If I still had my Samus Real Doll
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Why did you break, my Samus Real Doll?
- completely unrelated epigraph
This matter is not from the realm of suspicions or speculations, since it was pretty much confirmed beyond any reasonable doubt, but I think it won't be redundant to take a look at it one more time to make sure and see if there are some question left. After all, there is no such thing as "too much evidence". So let's go one more time through the story of Alex Mahan, cannotgoogleme and MaiWaifu.
It seems that Alex's decision to buy a doll wasn't spontaneous and he had a thing for inanimate objects shaped like women for a long time. Back in 2004 he admitted on AMV.org that
he "loves seeing those life-sized anime dolls" and that
if he had a girl robot, he would've maked her his sex slave, not taught her about love.
Those tendencies didn't go away during his time at Gaia forums either.
Now take a look at this poll.
His first thoughts about actually buying one go back at least to 2010. Back then he got his old reddit account EvaXephon hacked, shocking, I know, so he had to create a new one, called
WhatHappenedToEvaXep. How do we know it is him? Well, let's start with the fact that this account is a moderator at r/VideoGameBabes and was posting
shit like that there.
"But maybe it's just a fellow pervert, who Alex gave mod privileges" - fair enough, so take a look at
this. Familiar picture, don't you think?
Well, if you don't, then I'll remind you.
Yeah, not 100% the same, but still solid enough. Otherwise, if you still aren't sure,
redditors managed to connect enough dots between Alex's different socks almost a decade ago. It seems, that there was almost no difference between Alex's posting on Gaia and on Reddit, if not for
one little sneaky comment he made back in Oct 20, 2010.
(Just in case you don't know what a RealDoll is: It's a sex doll that is so lifelike and realistic that it costs $6,500.)
I am a 22-year-old virgin who is ugly, insecure, and depressed. I am not funny, not witty, and not confident. I am not interesting or exciting or fun to be around, and I am only interested in nerdy things.
No woman could ever be attracted to a man like me, but I would very much like to hold a woman in my arms. If I want to know what it feels like to embrace a woman, my only options are using a hooker or buying a Real Doll.
I'm financially secure, and I've got a job that pays very well. I can afford to buy a hooker or a RealDoll if I want to. However, I'm not sure which one of those options is a better idea.
A RealDoll lasts forever, won't give me a disease, and won't get me arrested. A RealDoll will let me do anything I want to her, any time I want. However, a RealDoll is a lifeless silicone husk, and costs $6,500.
Prostitutes only last for one night, could be diseased, could be an undercover cop, and could just lead me to a hotel room where I will be drugged and robbed or mugged by several large men. However, a prostitute is a real, live, warm, breathing woman.
Because I will be single for the rest of my life, I have to choose between a life of hookers or a life with a RealDoll. A RealDoll is $6,500, but will get a lot of use every day for the rest of my life. A hooker is much cheaper, but even if I only used a hooker once a week or once a month, the cost would easily outweigh a RealDoll within a year. A RealDoll is the most financially prudent choice, but a hooker is flesh and blood.
Should I get a RealDoll, or just use hookers and escorts?
Can't say for sure if Alex tried the first option, but
he sure as hell tried to ask questions about one on Jan 12, 2011. Funny how despite all that lamenting about women, he still would use his OKcupid profile.
In late 2011
Alex also posts some rather strange fanfiction in Legend of Zelda universe called "Deaf to the world", where Link basically has sex with emotionless android, that transforms into Zelda, and the idea of having sex with something artificial, that looks like a woman of his dreams, is called "a sexual fantasy that could never be outdone".
Next stop is June 19, 2012 when some whiny fuck creates a
thread in the /cgl/ i.e. Cosplay and EGL board, where he asks advice on how to score a cosplayer chick at the upcoming Anime Expo "in two weeks".
Despite anon's best intentions, OP, who "scripts iPhone games for a video game company", keeps whining that he "has no confidence, because women aren't attracted to him". This goes for a short time, until someone posts this:
Fuck, I forgot this piece of fan-art! Oh, well.
Yeah, seems /v/ wasn't the only board that Alex spammed with his bullshit and funnily enough,
he was doing that to GameFAQ too back in 2011.
"I'm gonna cosplay as Kamina" - that's definitely him.
You may ask "he doesn't talk about Real Dolls, how is it relevant?" and yeah, he doesn't. But someone, who will, had an appreciation for a cosplay too...
On December 15, 2012
cannotgoogleme joins Fakku - a website dedicated to hentai manga. Same day he creates a topic on its forums - "
Who was the Momoka cosplayer at the Fakku booth at AX 2012?"
At this year's Anime Expo, I walked past the Fakku booth and saw a girl in the center of the booth cosplaying as Momoka, the Fakku mascot.
There was a semi-long line to take a picture with her. I presumed that she was officially working for the Fakku booth and not a random cosplayer that passed by.
I really wanted to take a picture with her, but I was too shy. She was beautiful, though. I mean, like, she was a 10/10 goddess. Every now and then, I think about that girl, and I wonder who she is and if she was an official Fakku mascot cosplayer or just a passerby who was dressed as Momoka. I am also really curious if there are any pictures of her, because I can't seem to find any proof that she exists on the Internet!
Does anyone know who I am talking about?
Guess, Alex didn't score anyone.
Also, "10/10 goddess"?
Where have I heard that before? Otherwise, thread goes for a couple of pages on the trolling alone and dies. It seems, that cannotgoogleme left many comments under hentai on Fakku, 116 to be exact, however, it seems that they all are gone. Real shame!
Getting bored with Fakku,
cannotgoogleme joins Ed Gein fan-club called DollForum.com on Oct 29, 2014 with one simple goal -
find buy his true love!
...with a generous discount, since he was limited by a budget of 2000 dollars.
In 2010 he was ready to pay $6500 and now only 2k? Should've stayed at KungFu Factory, Alex.
Also, he finally reveals the brilliant reasoning behind his username:
And it worked so well!
His reasons for buying a doll, however, are less sophisticated.
He also shares funny experience he had couple of years ago when he was living with his parents.
No wonder Alex's idea of stealth mechanics is so poor.
Good thing, Alex wouldn't have the same problem, since
from his own words he helped them move to their new place back in summer of 2014.
Then he elaborates that his user profile comes from his long love for real dolls (at least several years) and "anime". He also shows some sort of standards.
Seems that he wouldn't stick his dick into used doll, just like he wouldn't into "used" woman.
He also seems to be a fan of Dead or Alive.
Just like Alex.
And loves "Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt".
Pic itself.
Just like Alex!
Alex: Oh, please please please do. ^_^
Oh! Stocking from Panty and Stocking has two-toned hair
And Evangelion, just like... you know.
Meanwhile, Alex had other things to care about.
"Wait, roommate? IS HE TALKING ABOUT HIS..." - yeah, I know what you're thinking, I've been there, but sadly it's nowhere near as hilarious and fucked-up, since Alex really had a roommate. Yes, living breathing talking woman named Barbi.
Here is she "stabbing" him on January 12, 2015.
She's been there at least until January 22, 2015 and to answer in advance - no, I don't think "they fug", since they had a chemistry of two lumps of frozen mincemeat on camera and I doubt Alex would've called her "roommate" if he wanted to get into her pants.
Also, notice how cannotgoogleme talks about his plans about getting a doll "within the next two months" just like when Alex was talking about his roommate.
Otherwise, there were some good news from cannotgoogleme - he finally ordered his one and only on Jan 14, 2015.
If it arrived in 8 days, he would have a doll with Barbi around... What the hell?
After two weeks it finally arrives, but not without some slight mishap.
In a state of absolute glee, the same day cannotgoogleme creates a
thread on DollForum, where he shows his doll, dressed as Fakku's mascot Momoka, in different positions and calls it "MaiWaifu". Unable to share the entirety of his happiness with just one forum, he rushes to Fakku, where he creates the same
thread, where he also talks about using cornstarch to cover doll's skin.
Not everything goes so smooth though.
Too happy to keep it to himself only, he creates another
thread on DollForum on February 3, 2015, but this time he dresses his doll as Zero Suit Samus.
It seems that not everything went so smooth in our newlyweds' lives, since on Aug 14, 2015, less than a year after Alex says that he aims to buy another doll, this time just a torso with a head, probably, so he couldn't break it during first 24 hours.
Meanwhile, Alex posts this on July 6, 2016 in his not so private chat.
Hm, where have I seen this choice of words before?
Probably just a coincidence.
Otherwise, cannotgoogleme goes silent and stays that way until August 1, 2018, when
he brings terrible news - MaiWaifu is kill.
Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night...
Oh, you fucking whore!
Anyway, he left one more post and that one was his last since. This touching story of love and betrayal could be forever lost for the rest of the world, if
one faithful day, on Sep 18, 2019 user
@Diesel Boogaloo wouldn't wonder if there are custom Samus sex dolls. He does great job collecting stuff about cannotgoogleme, that makes his connection with Alex look very realistic (more on that later), however, he concludes that all of this is still circumstantial evidence. Only miracle could help us to find the truth and luckily it didn't took so long for one.
On 4th of July, 2020 hacker known as Null takes over Alex's mail and subreddit, which causes something interesting to happen -
after more than a year of absence, suddenly, cannotgoogleme decides to log back into his favorite forum, probably, to wish a good Independence day to fellow dollfuckers. But his fate wasn't sealed yet.
Three weeks later by using password retrieval
@Not Based or Redpilled proves once and for all that cannotgoogleme was registered with mail address
evaxephon@mail.com - the same email Alex was using for a lot of other sites, which makes it even more hilarious.
I verified it too - you can't just use any email for that, only correct pair mail/login.
And DieselBoogaloo tried it too. And no,
if you change mail, you need to confirm it on the old one. And
"forgot password" requires that too. Fuck,
we even have video evidence! I think, it's safe to say, that account cannotgoogleme belongs to Alex Mahan, all what's left is to break into his house and find a basement full of broken dolls.
Since I'm not going to do this
yet, I'll go through other evidence that heavily hints towards Alex being behind that account:
- In his first post on DollForums cannotgoogleme says that his postcode is 90045, US. Quick Google search tells that it's Los Angeles, where coincidentally Alex has been living all his life.
- Unsurprisingly,
the trick with password recovery works with Fakku account too, so it was registered under Alex's mail too.
- Besides Fakku and DollForum cannotgoogleme has other accounts, namely one on
Xhamster and one on
Tuscl - a website where people review strip clubs. First one has "Cosplay, Anime" listed as fetishes and has "California" set as location. The latter is from California too and has four reviews - two for strip-clubs from Los-Angeles and two from City of Industry - L.A. suburb. If it's not enough,
password recovery trick works there too. Also, one little thing to mention:
Still trying to pirate shit?
If you wonder what's Alex response to all of this was, at first he tried to just brush it off.
Believe it or not, but this was the best course of action for him, since his later reply was as tech savvy as you can expect from a guy, who has been hacked at least 3 times.
"Signed me up"? Back in 2014 or even 2012 for Fakku? And then bought a doll to dress her as Momoka and Samus and post those pictures there? Retardation doesn't stop:
Yes, in Alex's mind to reset a password you need a nickname of one account and registered email OF ANY OTHER. If it wasn't enough that multiple people proved that it's not how it works, imagine if it did - you would nave only to register at DollForum and then use your mail and any nickname from there to steal the account. Thanks God, Alex doesn't code software! And if you are still wondering,
even the code of the page tells it's not the case! But kudos to him for confirming that he was bombarded with verification mail.
Alex is no stranger to interacting with 18+ stuff at Anime Expo either.
Furthermore, why does Alex seem to have an idea of how hard it would be to drag around, dress up and position a Real Doll?
You know, just like cannotgoogleme!
Also, speaking of "there are more than one person, who likes Momoka and Samus". Yes, that's true, but I doubt there are at least another one sick fuck who is obsessed with them to such extent. That's what I also would like to stress - I am not a shrink and of course not a dollfucker expert, but from my brief look at DollForum it seemed that those guys love dolls themselves, when cannotgoogleme bought a doll so he could fuck his favorite anime/vidyagame characters and his most favorite of those were:
Pink haired busty anime girls. Oh, boy, this obsession is probably as old as Alex's history as a lolcow.
This is his stream from around 2010-2011, just rewind to the last 15 seconds.
Again in
chat with Caitlin from August of 2011.
Alex: Because I think that pink hair is the most super duper awesome fantastic terrific wonderful thing ever
And I really like that you have pink hair. >_<
ik: really? o.o
most guys think it's a little too much ;-;
Alex: ...
Whaaaaa? XD
ik: well, I can hear people laughing or making comments sometimes ;-;
Alex: ...for me, pink hair is...it's...it's like...my...my number one...
...Well, I don't wanna say "fetish", but...
>o< I think it's the most attractive physical trait a girl can have
Alex: Hm...hold that thought~ The movie just ended, so now I can actually stop streaming and pull up the Internet and get a picture or two of pink-haired characters
Alex: Pffffft
...I...pink hair is my...to have a pink-haired girlfriend is one of my life's biggest dreams. ;-;
And so on, just go there and search for "pink".
In YS threads in 2014.
2016:
This collection of classy tweets for 2015-2016.
2017:
2020:
His v-tube model.
He is just asking for it at this point.
And of course, THIS.
I've probably missed something, but you get the point. Now let's get to the fun part.
ZERO SUIT SAMUS. Well, it's redundant, but still, let's go neck deep into Alex's obsession with her.
All the fucking articles he wrote about her.
From his Twitch channel.
He edited her Wikipedia page.
That time when they made her boobs smaller and
he was devastated.
That now incredibly funny video.
THIS SHIT!
Comment from the creator of the model.
But there is one thing I especially wanted to mention, since it's rarely brought up.
On March 12, 2008 Alex
uploads a video, where he made Samus from Smash Bros moving in slo-mo.
He is so happy with it, that
decides to terrorize GameFAQs the same day. As you may've guessed, the reception wasn't very good. However, Alex wasn't done yet, so on July 28 he goes to SmashBoards and gives them
the same treatment.
Twice. Alex was 20 years old, by the way, when it happened.
But it doesn't stop there. According to one KF user, Alex had "
some fetish stuff with Samus made in Gmod on his channel" and as you can expect, it perfectly checks with 4chan, namely
this thread.
Sadly, like in the first case, the video is private. Not deleted - private, meaning that Alex couldn't force himself to get rid of it from his YT account and still jerks-off to it. Guess, we will never know what was in those creepy videos.
SIC!
YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER JUST LIKE I DID!
You may wonder where this seemingly lost stuff has been all this time and the answer is autistic enough - for years those videos were laying in the open on
Video Game Babes channel! And now they're gonna be here, even if it is gone. Congratulations, Alex, you've played yourself.
