TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Illnesses and Mentions of Self Harm
Hello everyone. My name is Allie Valentine. I chose the name to use on this site because I am currently playing Resident Evil, and the main character's name is Jill Valentine. I'm not sure why I typed that, but I don't know how else to start this, so I am going to leave it there.
Anyway, here, my name is Allie. My pronouns are she/her, and I am a transgender woman and a lesbian. I've been on HRT for two and a half years, and I have a community of friends and family who accept and support me.
I am also very unwell. I have untreated ADHD and depression, CPTSD and anxiety disorder. I am also autistic, and deeply gender dysphoric. I suffer from frequent panic attacks, and I am not motivated to do or fix anything in my life. I am physically unfit, and my inability, or lack of motivation, to do self care has lead to me going backwards in my transition, and if it weren't for my friends and life partners, I would have stopped taking any of my meds months ago out of sheer apathy.
And on top of that, I am plural. I have OSDD-1b, a disorder similar to DID, formally known as multiple personality disorder.
SO yeah, it's a lot, lol
And there are probably a lot of reasons why I have all of THAT going on. The world's reaction to my gender and having been assigned male at birth most certainly caused some of it, as well as sustained and sometimes brutal abuse at the hands of my mother, the general failure of society to guide neurodivergent children into being able to cope, the reality of living in a world undergoing rapid change due to the auto cannibalistic nature of how we produce and consume energy,
Any of those reasons, and probably all of them caused a lot of my junk, along with a heeping helping of genetics and years of not being able to take my mental health seriously,
But whatever caused all of THAT, the result is that I am, while deeply privileged and humbled by the love and genuine affection and support by the people around me, deeply unhappy.
(following paragraphs contain mentions of self harm with no graphic descriptions)
And every day, I struggle with the urge to hurt myself.
I don't want to die, most of the time, but the urge is still there. I have this mental fixation that I am, among other things, not real. That if I relax TOO much, I will fall apart and nothing of me will be left behind. So I think that my urge to hurt myself comes from the idea that the only way to be sure that I exist is to check internally. And other times the depression is so bad that I find myself believing that the act of hurting myself will at least let me feel SOMETHING.
And then sometimes the pain gets so, so bad that the idea of causing extreme damage to my body will be a more manageable, understanding type of trauma. A wound can be cared for, it can be protected and treated and it will heal.
And while I am in therapy, it's hard to imagine a future where anything in my head ever gets better.
I apologize for the barrage of words, and I also apologize if I used language that was too explicit or triggering. I just really need someone to read this, and to let me know that they understand how I feel.
(he said he didn't grow up around his biological parents - was taken away when he was younger)
Feel a bit bad posting this but better now than if he actually went onto the show or politics... Certainly a turn around getting blacked is a twist.
Maejok made an appearance in chat last night, talking about how he is too busy as to watch anything on the site. He also mentioned that Island PTZ cam got replaced. I still think it's probably the S3 house again and those 8 faces are just those slots they fill from public "fan" casting?
If they limited access to just the bedrooms to the den it may be ok. Having access to the flat, bar, yard and penthouse just allows fish to sequester themselves from drama too easily. During S1 it was basically impossible for Letty to escape Fatty being annoying when shout-reading the Simmons book, she went from the room down to kitchen area at TTS suggestion that "Fatty can't transition stairs easily" but Fatty was so fucking loud and she could still hear him. In S3 they could just punt Burt to the Penthouse and forget about him all day so his schizo rambling didn't irritate the fish the way it would have in the S1 and S2 houses.
If they limited access to just the bedrooms to the den it may be ok. Having access to the flat, bar, yard and penthouse just allows fish to sequester themselves from drama too easily. During S1 it was basically impossible for Letty to escape Fatty being annoying when shout-reading the Simmons book, she went from the room down to kitchen area at TTS suggestion that "Fatty can't transition stairs easily" but Fatty was so fucking loud and she could still hear him. In S3 they could just punt Burt to the Penthouse and forget about him all day so his schizo rambling didn't irritate the fish the way it would have in the S1 and S2 houses.
Limiting the space would be great. With such a big house they could even open some spaces for special events if needed, or change the layout as a season progresses by opening new places and closing others. Some interesting possibilities.
Limiting the space would be great. With such a big house they could even open some spaces for special events if needed, or change the layout as a season progresses by opening new places and closing others. Some interesting possibilities.
Another fuckup is how the flow of movement in the house is broken by the garage/yard and it not having a stairway up onto the balcony. Having that would speed travel up immensely and even make things like bringing back nerf gun fights possible due to the balcony not being an easy camping area as a result.
Also, cs_fishtank for CS2 based on the S3 house when, that house is straight up built for it somehow.
Another fuckup is how the flow of movement in the house is broken by the garage/yard and it not having a stairway up onto the balcony. Having that would speed travel up immensely and even make things like bringing back nerf gun fights possible due to the balcony not being an easy camping area as a result.
Also, cs_fishtank for CS2 based on the S3 house when, that house is straight up built for it somehow.
There was some virtual Fishtank chatroom that had the S3 house partially modeled. It was posted in Sneedchat, I'm sure another user will know what I'm talking about. Getting the assets for that would be pretty cool.
Milkmoder engaged the porn question yesterday during his first cam up.
- Got into it at his lowest when he lost his job during covid and became homeless. Appeared as an easy fix
- Says he has always felt left alone and didn't have parents growing up - was in & out of CPS and the foster system
- Lived in a boarding school from 14-19 after which they dumped him in Houston without support (away from his biological Family)
- Later moved to Dallas for 2ys before going to Denver
- Felt he got groomed into becoming trans - thinks he was more so looking for a community
- Around New Years decided to commit: cut everyone off, quit his job, changed his appearance and bought the RV & pick-up truck on his last 11k he had
Starts talking about it at around 25;10
The one secret he said he'll keep for Season 4 is why he got a letter from the DoJ and what he believes is "going on".
Not sure if this is related to his lawsuit or to his brother passing away (which he said was an accident while also saying he can't get into it over the stream for the fear of his life...).
His second appearance for his "workout stream" got rowdy again and basically ended in a constant assault of crunchy "industrial fan" noises (loud).
He is certainly reflective and managed to detroon himself but he also has some retarded opinions and hasn't fully changed going by his socials or admitting ((?)joking) about stuff like this:
After a bit of a rocky start on his IRL adventures (getting left by two girls after flying and renting out an Airbnb for 1k), one of the stream stars "washy", has setup a "stream stars" house in LA.
The first girl who left him (bc she wanted to keep the romantic stuff offcam) "layc" was the first to show up. A tranny going by "scxrch" the next along with a friend. Later on "mizm" also pulled up with the surprise guest being the actual Mizzler herself.
dommy mizzy
singing
they all eat some dirt
Curious collab given that among them are piss & bong water drinkers and serial pukers.
Mizzy has left again but said she would come back. They had to talk her out of driving home drunk.
I think the tranny stuff is a bridge too far for production, especially if Sam has anything to say about it. Also Burt was too much of an interesting specimen to pass up. Milk is just a boring fag who ruined his life.
I think the tranny stuff is a bridge too far for production, especially if Sam has anything to say about it. Also Burt was too much of an interesting specimen to pass up. Milk is just a boring fag who ruined his life.
Burt was also black and therefore it's pretty much irrelevant if he's a tranny or not since, at the the end of the day he's black and it doesn't matter. It's a totally different thing than a white guy being a tranny.
It's like if you saw a white girl with a half black baby you feel sad and/or mad about it but if you saw a Mexican with a half black baby it's like "who cares?"
