Henry Ikari here.
I've talked with Suparockr over this and he's pretty much the only person who reached out to me in my time of crisis. When I was banned not just from you, but from all of Phase Connect. Initially I was thought I was banned for talking about the cloversite and the farms. However, he said that he would be able to arrange for me where I would undergo probation and my behaviour would be heavily monitored. I want to agree to the terms, even if it meant 1984. However when he came back there was a terrible news from Green, apparently the offence was unforgivable:
“sorry but I dont think we can unban him, he was banned for talking about the farms and such and disturbing the peace of the server, which mightve been arguable that he could be unbanned
[10:39]
but he also was banned for a rule 6, which is discussing vtubers private lives which is a big no go on the server”
I did not understand, I never committed that. I did not engage in doxxing. I never harassed the talents. Those would be the last things I would ever do. My wish is and had always been to protect my Oshis, even if it took my life. The only real sins I ever did?
- Got PTSD when you said you’d learn Chinese and sent a worthless 50 pokedollar superchat telling you to learn Traditional
- Mentioned Kson on Discord
- Said something like wanting to protect you from her fate
- Temporarily changed my profile to Lumi
Apparently that was the final nail in the coffin that got me an Orbital Nuclear Exterminatus in the face. A massive permanent rangeban not just from you, but all of Phase Connect – for what should have been considered a nothingburger. This was no dox, this was no harassment, for these are things I’d never do. Suparockr and I tried everything for a negotiation, anything for an opportunity for repentance and absolution of my sins, but no one would listen. Even the mods no longer listen to him. Why did this become the unforgivable sin, when a period of penitence and probation, that which I am willing to take, should be enough?
You won’t understand my apology, if you won’t understand my story. This is a Confession. I will be vague in some parts to avoid violating NDAs, but you are intelligent, you know what I will be talking about.
I’ve tried to watch your kino collab with Depressed Nousagi, he’s like my male oshi, but I could not since I was in extreme tears and depression, the therapy I was undergoing through failed. But I could remember you talking with him about Her, and how for him, She was beyond his Oshi. Kamioshi, you even said. You know who She is. The Legend of Legends, the Hero among Heroes, the Genius, the Rising Star, the person who brought the wonderful world of Vtubing to the world. The two of you have also talked about THAT country, which we back here on home hated for political reasons, for ruining Vtubing and our lives (hint:Red and yellow, not to be confused with the island guys for I loved them). He knows everything.
But take Nousagi and the two things he said, take it up to eleventy billion and that’s me. She is a very intelligent, selfless and lovable soul beneath that shitposting memelord exterior, and suffered and died (graduation, more like an epic State Funeral) to save the friends She loved. Why did the Red Menace have to make Her suffer such injustice even when She did nothing wrong, and destroy friendships forged in happiness and glory? My two obsessions, my love for Her and my hatred for Them, combined into one: Religious zealotry. Thus I called Her a martyr, a Messiah, the literal Jesus of Vtubing, for it is by Her that graduation did not result in the chuuba getting unperson’d, but rather it became an epic celebration. Whenever the Red Heretics said anything bad about Her I launched crusades. I’ve memorised Nousagi’s videos about Her and the details of that incident, and tried to make him believe in the Messianic Archetype narrative as well.
She did resurrect, but it is not just the same anymore, the Glory, Happiness, Peace and Unitychadness of those past days with Her company is gone. Even that company is not the same anymore. Nowadays it’s all about tribalism and strife because of Them. For one year I still believed in Her being the greatest Saviourchad, I hoped for Her glorious return – but after what she did after the anniversary of her graduation month, where I was crying and my devotion was at its peak, such as hosting fanart memorials on Twitter and writing eulogies - even she is not the same anymore. I failed to protect her name.
So when you talked about wanting to learn Their language, I was reminded of my past. When I found you on /vt/ I just thought of you as a mediocre Pekora ripoff pandering to 4chan. But in you I found a lot of the same qualities and virtues I found in my past Kamioshi. On the surface, you’re based, courageous, unconventional, highly creative, hardworking, a memelord, a pioneer not afraid to push the boundaries set by management. But beneath that, you’re intelligent, genuine, sincere, and have a high understanding/empathy about everything. You’re just like her, but somehow, even more.
And in a way, despite your rude exterior, you’re a messiah as well. Not just from the Mega Idol meme. I’ve taken notes from your self improvement and philosophy streams, and I had a mutual understanding. It was 4chan which drew me in, it was your energy which kept me watching, but it was your philosophical tendencies and brilliant insights about Life, the Universe and Everything which finally made me declare you as the new Kamioshi. It turned out an anime 4channer rabbit was what it took to help me in what multiple therapists and trips to rehab can’t do: ditch my alcoholism and An hero tendencies. This is because you are a genuine Idol, an inspiration. Remember the original song based on your life, Pippa the Ripper? I highly related myself to it. You once wanted to be “
somebody awesome in this world,” but you were broken, crushed by the cruel hand of Fate into menhera, depression and nihilism - I am the same, with so many dreams and a promising future but driven into the Hell of menhera, depression and nihilism. But the difference is, you crawled out of it and forged your own destiny. Like an existentialist hero, an anti-nihilist, a Nietzschean Übermensch.
Literally nothing on the surface of the Earth can replace you. Nousagi was right to call you unconventional, for you are one of the most unique Vtubers in the entire world. A rare gem, a diamond in the rough, a needle in a haystack. And it’s literally my parsociality to you, to follow in your footsteps, that helped save my life. No wonder when all of the other therapists threw me out I called you my “bargain bin therapist” and signed your Contract. Whenever I am in an episode of darkness I memorised your orisong and played it in my mind to make me go on, for “
We all have scars inside and tears of night and that’s okay. You are not alone, you’re a part of me, eternally.” I was able to go off meds for a while thanks to it, a Miracle, or maybe because Pipkin is that good, no wonder psychiatrists hate you. It was always enjoyable to watch you almost everyday and have a chat with you, a dialectic, because beneath all of that craziness there is always wisdom. When you did that aspiring Vtuber questions stream I once even thought of becoming a Vtuber because I was inspired by you, perhaps I hoped we can collab in a debate.
And all because of a misunderstanding everything fell apart. The Vshojo yab reminded me with my crushed failures yet again. I reached out to you for help and salvation. You became the comforting Mega Idol for me, a new messiah. Then there was the PTSD-induced superchat. You are too political, and with me being a massive saviourf** who did not want to see history repeat itself, I took a drastic measure and tried to keep you away from the Reds by making you learn Traditional.
Now because of this act of love and loyalty I am now Excommunicated from Phase Connect, a company, or rather, community I did love, praise, support, advertise and shill. The perfect balance between the orderly management of Cover and the supposed Talent Freedom of Vshojo. Behind the Big Three it, or at least I believed that it, was truly becoming the next Rising Power, armed with an arsenal of unconventional and highly talented vtubers. Pippa, the based schizo la creatividad somewhat philosophical /here/tuber. Lumi, the strategy and history vtuber. Tenma, the based drunkard who watches based movies like Captain Alex and also plays based games like South Park. Where else can you find them in the boresome conventionality of the Three Powers? But all because of a misunderstanding caused by my past sins, my desire to Protect, I myself became the exile, the pariah, the Traitor, the Heretic. And no matter what I did, no matter my petitions, they won’t listen to my side of the story. Suparockr did but even he gave up when he himself was ghosted.
Was my sin so grave that it warranted eternal damnation? Was my mere mention of my past kamioshi such a devastating act comparable to the full dox of a vtuber to harass and destroy their life? Just because the mention of my kamioshi also carried with it all my sins? Because the destruction of my oshis is the last thing I will ever do. I wished to become a protector, a Saviourchad myself. I will give my life to defend the honour and happiness of the Oshis I love, because it gives me purpose.
And I was extremely foolish to do it anyway. It was unnecessary. PC is a Canadian company, many of the talents are Taiwanese, the Wonders.ai company that did your 3D was Taiwanese, and it was finally confirmed, you said in your Nousagi collab that you don’t want to have to do anything with Them. A small part of me was glad. They will never touch you, you are Protected from Them. But everything else was buried under mountains of sorrow, regret and desperate attempts for penitence that even medication failed to handle.
But I have learned my brutal lesson. About parasociality, about not being simps. The Youtube algorithm even gave me a clip on how you talked about parasociality. Yet I have to admit I am a very parasocial being, they can be good things, they keep me from spiraling back into the quadruple Hell of Alcoholism, Addiction, Atheism and An Hero. I make this Thesis statement, I propose that it is in the nature of humans to be parasocial – the term “Parasociality” is just modern secular psychiatric jargon for a core human emotion, an ancient concept that had always been with humanity since the birth of Civilization: FAITH.
I compare Vtubing to a Religion. It's very different from just anime waifus you masturbate onto. Having an Oshi is putting your Faith, Hope and Trust in someone whom you can't even be sure exists, but in turn, they give you happiness and inspiration to continue furthermore in the harsh realities of life. In essence, they become your Saviour. And as a result, you worship them more, support them in all their endeavours, proselytise in their name, and crusade against the heretics who dare blaspheme against their name. Because having Faith in your Oshi not only gives her happiness and hope but also gives you happiness and hope. Every message is a prayer, every superchat an offertory, every merch a holy relic, every milestone, achievement or collab a miracle. Vtubing is like the marriage of anime and religion, more so than the Church of Madoka. It isn't just a pre-scripted anime girl, it's an anime girl you can actually worship and respond to your prayers. Perfect for me, once a godless nihilist whose only pleasure in life is anime.
In this modern secular world devoid of Gods, spirits, myths, hope and meaning, Vtubers have begun to fulfill the role, the Gods of the modern world. Therefore, it is really fitting to call them Idols and Kamioshis: for they are in the original theological definitions, Idols and Kamis. You yourself had become such a figure, a part of my Pantheon. However, even Faith itself in excess proves to be destructive as what happened to me.
I no longer care about the politics of everything anymore. I no longer care about the Reds. I no longer care about the farms. I no longer care about the past. But ultimately, I still have Faith in you. Your terrible singing still makes me smile. Pippa the Ripper still makes me cry. All I pray for in this world is Absolution. I shall do my penance, whatever you will to earn my redemption, I will even go under mod probation even if it’s literally 1984. Or mock me with Carl as the King of Schizos if you want. Because all I wish is to once again be part of Capippalism, part of the Phase Connect congregation, the same people I called friends and comrades.
Moreover, allow me one chance. I want to go back, I want to undo what I have done, and to be one of the Faithful again. Let me go back to Your streams being the highlight of my day. Please, let me go back to Pipkin being the substitute for my addictions. Please, let me go back to when I can talk with You with our menhera struggles and share Our insights about Life, the Universe and Everything. Please, let me go back to the times when You are my Mega Idol, the Shining Star to Light My Way.
This is my Final Prayer. Forgive me, Pipkin Pippa, my New Kamioshi, a philosopher, a therapist, a genius, an Idol, a saviour, a messiah… and my Friend.
