I’d like to talk properly about this drama. My previous response on twitter was insanely limited as my parents have been present, controlling what i say and didn’t want me to comment on anything. It was basically typed by them and I expressly tried to convince them that it was a dumb idea. I need to address everything and take responsibility, so here goes.
I want to say that first of all, I am sorry to everyone who trusted me and tried to see the best in me, today you are seeing the absolute worst.
The screenshots of me talking to sabrina that were shared are authentic. I did, at various points, feel the urge to look at very taboo drawn images and yiff, purely for the sake of looking at something disgusting. All of it felt the same to me. I wasn’t so interested in the things themselves as the idea of it being horrible. I made a point of keeping it to myself, never looking at anything illegal, and it was an urge i only felt while horny. It was purely fantasy. IRL i am extremely afraid of most sexual interaction, and none of it translates. After engaging with the material i would feel intense episodes of self hatred that would tear me apart. It’s never something I enjoyed. I was clearly channeling this kink in the completely wrong way, involving paraphilias, and in a way that was mentally extremely taxing to myself and wasn’t true to my personality.
I gradually moved away from this, stopping completely a couple months ago. I felt positive about moving on from it but the weight of it was incredibly heavy and i opened up to a few friends about it, who I will not name here, but one of them was sabrina. I talked at length about the details (which you have seen) , but also about how i hated it, how much self hatred it filled me with, Sabrina herself saying she could relate on the exact same level, which gave me comfort. It was a conversation in the context of me moving away and getting better, but also my worry at how real my urges felt sometimes. I can say I have been free of looking at this material for a while now.
As for me discussing it with others and being pushy, the only people I shared these terrible things with were fully consenting and were into immoral fantasies themselves, often to a worse extent than me. At some points I felt like I had to convince people they were safe, and felt pushy about it, and at times I feel i acted too desperately to find common ground and these people agreed to explore things that they had not previously listed as something they had explored before, but were ultimately not against it. We saw each other as a safe outlet for our urge to share something terrible. I never once forced anyone to do a kink or fantasy that they were actively uncomfortable with. That said, I ended up cutting most of these people off because i would have an incredibly different reaction, them feeling glad to have taken part and me feeling like shit. This is part of why I realised I had to get away and that it was not something I was really into, at least not in the same way. This material is stuff that i was introduced to at a very young age, but i never have had a particular kink. All i wanted was to be disgusting, in private, with another person, without hurting anyone. And that’s what I did.
Regarding the anonymous 17 year old i had chatted to in a sexual manner, please know that i am terribly sorry for making you uncomfortable. I felt incredibly wrong even having the conversations we were having, i could very clearly feel the difference in maturity and that is why i did not pursue anything further after our conversation. It just felt wrong. When I was 17 I talked to many people quite a bit older than me, people who I am still friends with, and enjoyed it. I thought my personal experience could translate to your own, but it did not. The age of consent in the UK where we both live is 16, so a chat of this nature did not feel illegal, however, just because something isn’t illegal doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong. the maturity gap was simply wrong to me and i felt awful about engaging with it afterwards. That is why i did not continue. I wouldn’t attempt this kind of conversation again with anyone under the age of at LEAST 18, despite any local laws.
I can only be sorry, and i deeply regret hurting you, because you have been such a kind and caring person for me. I wish you had spoken up, but i get that someone with your inexperience might be afraid to do this. I’m sorry i didn’t make it clear enough that you could do that. My attraction was never to do with your age being risky, and i honestly didn’t really think about it considering it was legal in our country, until I saw our incredible gap in experience. I feel guilt over many things and this is one of the biggest. This is a time where my carelessness and unattentiveness towards other people’s wellbeing while being horny slipped up and ended up truly hurting someone and giving someone a bad experience. I can’t apologize enough.
Regarding Sabrina. Sabrina is someone i met recently, and we got along very well. She warned me that she has mental problems and that she would become clingy. I had zero previous experience with someone like her and had no idea what it would be like to handle. I said it was okay, and we talked a lot, quickly finding things in common and enjoying each other’s company. I ended up opening up to her about how i felt, and she was very supportive about it. She could relate, having done similarly bad things in the past. It was clear that she was telling the truth, as she engaged with me sexually after that was discussed, clearly showing no ill will towards me. We continued being close for many days after that. (in an extremely vanilla way)
Over time, this relationship grew taxing to me. I would come back to 40 or so messages on my phone asking me if i still liked her, asking where i was, how i felt, wanting me to always be there. It was incredibly stressful for me, especially when i needed time to myself which I felt I could not get. I should have stopped talking to her there and then knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would have been the responsible thing to do. She gave me the chance to. But i was still completely inexperienced and I thought I could make things better and keep going, so I did. Things quickly worsened to a state of hatred towards each other, and terrible things we didn’t mean were said to each other both ways, as I’m sure is common in any relationship argument. I ended up blocking her, and we agreed to not talk again as we brought out the worst in each other. It was a personal relationship that was completely fucked up by my inexperience and not helped by her mental illness.
After this, only half a day later, i get a message from a new account, clearly sabrina, threatening me to make the things i discussed with her public, if i did not unblock her and apologize. I saved this screenshot at the time.
To me this clearly comes off an extortionate act of revenge and resentment, and not an act of greater benefit to the community. As sabrina has stated herself, she is extremely mentally unwell and can have an incredibly warped perspective and delusions extremely commonly, especially relating to ‘favourite persons’, stating she could become incredibly manipulative if she encountered abandonment, as i was doing to her. She sent this message less than a week after being discharged from a psychiatric hospital. There was even a point where she kept asking me to stop spying on her through a webcam burning an episode, thinking I was out to get her.
I politely asked her not to leak this information, and after some conversation she agreed after I apologized to her. She stated that she only wanted to scare me and didn’t mean to really hurt me. I wish i could provide receipts for the full conversion, but the conversation has been deleted.
I talked to a friend about it that evening, stressed, who ended up telling other people, and sabrina found out. After this, sabrina was dead set on making this public. At this point, i was incredibly desparate, as i felt like my life was basically going to end, and i said anything I could to try and get her to stop. As a result of being under such stress i said a whole load of incredibly bad and manipulative things to her. I did not threaten to doxx her or her hospital, but I did threaten to use her address to report her to authorities for extortion and blackmail, and express concern over her unstable mental state. I thought of every way I could use it against her, because I just wanted it to end. I felt like i was literally begging for my life. Suffice to say it did not make a difference.
I really wanted to keep this private, as I felt it was being resolved well in a private space, and that I was improving with regards to my kinks. I had not engaged with it in a while and i saw no need for intervention. I feel like the way sabrina handled this was completely wrong (it was also handled badly by me) and that it was presented clearly as blackmail.
While obviously disgusting, I think what a person keeps in their own head should stay private. Especially kinks that don’t harm anyone. I never acted on any of my fantasies, and never planned to. I wanted to keep the things troubling me private, and I couldn’t. They were too much of a burden on me mentally and I had to seek help, and that was what i was trying to do. I’m sorry that I let the worst side of me get the best of me. I know the worst parts of me can be extinguished as i have been doing already.
I would like to make it VERY clear that I have never, and will never, hurt anyone or anything for my own sexual gratification. That is something i find to be completely wrong. I am completely scared of hurting people when I am sexual IRL, and i do everything to make sure the other person is comfortable.
This whole situation has made me realize that my actions online are NOT acceptable in any way. I will refrain from interacting with the geometry dash community from now on. You deserve better role models than whatever the hell I am.
I am currently seeking therapy from a professional. I want to find out what’s wrong with me, address it, and improve so i can live a life free of self hatred. I never wanted to be like this. I am responsible for encouraging others with similar problems to me, of making my friends uncomfortable, and of being a shitty person to sabrina. I am guilty of having fantasies that I have no explanation for. I need to take responsibility for my life now.
I know I will never be able to return to the gd community. I respect that the majority of people will be extremely uncomfortable with me around, and I don’t want to hurt any more people, even if just by my presence. I hope I was able to give whoever ends up reading this more of an insight into my mental space right now. I’m just going to focus on getting better now.
If someone reading this themselves is struggling with similar things to me, please know that it’s possible to stop and the sooner you do it, the better.
You aren’t fucked up forever. Get help from a PROFESSIONAL. Don’t give your problems time to get worse. I should have done this in the first place. It felt impossible at one point but here I am months free, and at least a year free of the worst ones, like cub or zoophilia yiff (these two in particular are things i did list to sabrina, but only explored once or twice and didn’t feel comfortable doing in the end). You can’t help the thoughts you can’t explain, but you can control how you act on them. If you don’t act on them for long enough, they go away.
As for my channel. I only ever wanted to show you guys things I found interesting. I hope that through whatever I did i was able to introduce you to things that fuelled your passion, and made you excited. I will leave my channel up as an archive.
I will start a better life for myself, away from this community. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to cause chaos. I just want people to understand what happened to me. Goodbye