Grief support thread - For those who are suffering with loss.

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Mai

Mai

N-blasting since 2016
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Apr 1, 2024
Grief is one of the most painful, soul-crushing things that we have to endure as humans and we usually can't get through it alone. Grief is a mental and physiological state that can affect people for months or years, and it is important to understand, feel, and grow from. You will probably have someone you care about die at some point in your life, and living without them can be hell, especially when things are fresh and confusing. This thread is for all grieving or formerly grieving kiwis to vent, help, and give advice towards each other.

I lost my mother earlier this year from a very fast acting and sudden cancer and it has been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. My parents hid a lot from me and I wasn't aware of the extent of her condition. We were extremely close and her death was too shocking to really process for a long time. There is too much to talk about in this blurb but the key takeaways for me are:
  1. Grief is not just a mental condition and it is not depression. It is a heavy anchor, an immovable rock that you carry around with you for months that does not leave the bottom of your soul. You feel a heavy weight (both mentally and physically) over you along with a general fog that feels like it will never go away.
  2. There is no grieving process. It's a myth. Every person has a different process and timeline. I was completely numb for 6 entire months, not crying a single tear until one day something came over me and the dam broke.
  3. Progress comes in jumps, not slow progression. You will feel weeks where you are generally back to normal for seemingly no reason with great energy, mood, and appetite just to have it crashing down one day when you wake up and you feel like you've been sent back in time and the pain is still fresh and raw.
  4. You will have to cope with the fact that your life will never be the same. You will probably have strong suicidal thoughts and ideations for a while.
Hope this thread can help some of you who are suffering and think there is no hope. At least 1 (one) kiwi (me) knows what you are feeling and want to help.
 
Daddy's Angry Juice said:
I like the idea, but I think other kiwis might consider it a bit much.
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Well, I think it's important for niggas to stay real about they emotions and sheit, so that's why I made the thread. I'm anticipating it getting shit on but hopefully there can be some discussion or help. There are really no places online for this kind of talk besides r*ddit, which is gross.
 
MulchEater said:
Well, I think it's important for niggas to stay real about they emotions and sheit, so that's why I made the thread. I'm anticipating it getting shit on but hopefully there can be some discussion or help. There are really no places online for this kind of talk besides r*ddit, which is gross.
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I agree, I'm just saying we already have a thread for that, look up "How are you doing" it's a good thread I posted there myself. Im not gonna knock you for the effort, and if this thread takes off I'll be glad to be wrong
 
I lost my mom this year too and what I'm having trouble coping with is she was my entire support system, the person I asked for life advice, and now I have no one. I feel like a failure of an adult and a complete retard that doesn't know how to function properly in society. The part about feeling numb then breaking down is so true. I'm waiting for my big breakdown moment, it hasn't happened yet. I almost feel guilty for how I've just continued on, despite that being what she wanted.
 
Brenda Holiday said:
I lost my mom this year too and what I'm having trouble coping with is she was my entire support system, the person I asked for life advice, and now I have no one. I feel like a failure of an adult and a complete retard that doesn't know how to function properly in society. The part about feeling numb then breaking down is so true. I'm waiting for my big breakdown moment, it hasn't happened yet.
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I'm sorry to hear that man. There is literally nothing like it and somehow we have to keep fucking waking up when everyone else has already moved on. It will probably hit you at some point but some people just stay numb for a long time.
Brenda Holiday said:
I almost feel guilty for how I've just continued on, despite that being what she wanted.
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Don't feel guilty, this is just how it is from now on and your brain is just trying to survive each day. I get that weird feeling too, like I should be hurting or crying more than I am. It's all just survival mode, take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to actually feel things if they come. I hope you have good friends and family to keep you grounded.
 
One of the worst things that people don't talk about is when you dream of them. I've had many dreams where they're just around and i genuinely believe it until I wake up and it's like a stab to the heart. I don't really have any solid advice for it but it helps me to just take a minute and focus on visualizing the times we had together and appreciate it even if it ends up making me sad.
 
Brenda Holiday said:
I lost my mom this year too and what I'm having trouble coping with is she was my entire support system, the person I asked for life advice, and now I have no one. I feel like a failure of an adult and a complete retard that doesn't know how to function properly in society. The part about feeling numb then breaking down is so true. I'm waiting for my big breakdown moment, it hasn't happened yet. I almost feel guilty for how I've just continued on, despite that being what she wanted.
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It's a day I dread. Even just thinking about it puts a lump in my gut. I know it doesn't mean much from some rando on the Internet but I hope you pull through my dude.
Cat tit bingo said:
One of the worst things that people don't talk about is when you dream of them. I've had many dreams where they're just around and i genuinely believe it until I wake up and it's like a stab to the heart. I don't really have any solid advice for it but it helps me to just take a minute and focus on visualizing the times we had together and appreciate it even if it ends up making me sad.
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I once had a dream about my dead older brother and I'm happy it was only once. It was like getting stabbed in the heart and then having it crushed while still skewered. I woke up with tears running down my face. The dream itself wasn't unpleasant, but seeing him in it and waking up was losing him all over again.
 
I wish I had good advice to post here but I really don't. I know that I'm terrified for when the day comes for my parents since I'm so hopelessly dependent on them and I love them so much. I don't know. I feel like I usually have something to say about something but I don't here.
 
I might have some thoughts to unload here in the future, so thanks for making this thread. I lost someone about 1 year and 10 months ago. I kept my shit together for the first year but now I'm just breaking down into tears whenever my mind is allowed to go idle. Usually when stuck in traffic, or brushing my teeth.

My drinking has also gotten worse since. I'm afraid to even get sober because it's going to force me to confront my own failures. Fuck
 
I'm glad this thread exists. My mom just died of cancer last week. Long story short:

>started in her uterus last year
>got a hysterectomy
>doing fine for 5 months
>her lung starts filling up with fluid
>she's dead 3 months later

She died peacefully in the hospital, but only after slipping into a deep sleep a couple days before death. The pain was excruciating because the shit had metastasized so rapidly.

I seriously think it was the fucking vax, bros. I practically got on my knees and fucking begged her not to take the jab, but she had it twice (and only stopped after she reacted badly to the second one). She's a boomer and chose to listen to the tv over my skepticism, and only gained a sense of regret when the deaths and complications started going mainstream.

I just can't fucking believe this nightmare is real. I kind of hope the world won't take too long to finish ending, because the end of life as I knew it is already over.
Brenda Holiday said:
I lost my mom this year too and what I'm having trouble coping with is she was my entire support system, the person I asked for life advice, and now I have no one. I feel like a failure of an adult and a complete retard that doesn't know how to function properly in society. The part about feeling numb then breaking down is so true. I'm waiting for my big breakdown moment, it hasn't happened yet. I almost feel guilty for how I've just continued on, despite that being what she wanted.
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I'm ashamed to admit that I'm very much the same way, but you deserve to know that you're not alone. Because this site is full of autists, there will always be at least a few who have trouble functioning in society to some degree or another. The best thing you can do is learn skills from other people, and try to get out of your comfort zone as best as you can. Even Dear Feeder was a little bit retarded until his job at Whataburger prepared him to deal with the real world.

I have the skills to run a home, but I'm the only one of my siblings who never got married, learned to drive, or moved out. When my mother began to decline, I figured it would be pointless because someone needed to become her caretaker at that point anyway. In the end, I couldn't do anything but keep her as comfortable as possible.

I don't know if it was a sudden or drawn out affair for you, but the numbness is very normal, like other users pointed out. My nervous system has actually been a wreck since I've been struggling with Long Covid a whole year ago. I've had to deal with multiple hellish symptoms while watching my mom fight a losing battle with her own health. Chronic stress or even just shock can make you shut down for a while. When my dad died of ALS a while back, I couldn't really cry for months. Grief is highly individual, and it can fluctuate from day to day, or even minute to minute.

Ginger & Bread = Mischief said:
I know that I'm terrified for when the day comes for my parents since I'm so hopelessly dependent on them and I love them so much.
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It's certainly always been my greatest fear, so I understand. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go through this for another 10-20 years, but it's not always when you'd expect, sadly. Not that anyone is ever prepared to lose their parents, at any age. But it's something we all have to face one day. It's terrifying, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

And circumstances can always change, too. My mother was pretty much my only support system too, but by some miracle my estranged sister came back into our lives right before she died. Whatever higher power you believe in will help you get through this, so just have faith and take it one day at a time.
 
Mai said:
I lost my mother earlier this year from a very fast acting and sudden cancer and it has been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. My parents hid a lot from me and I wasn't aware of the extent of her condition.
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I just lost my mother the same way in late June. She was always very healthy, and she suddenly got hives that wouldn't go away, and then her blood pressure spiked, but somehow she had no salt in her blood. Turns out these are late-stage cancer symptoms. She went from feeling fine to dead in 6 weeks. My parents also hid so much from me. They seemed to have known much longer than I was made aware of.

Two weeks after Mom died, Dad collapsed in his bedroom and was on a ventilator for 5 days. He had a blood clot in his leg that had gone septic. They had to amputate above the knee... After 5 days in a medical coma, he is not at the same cognitive level he was at before... but refuses to move out of his house. I assume he will be gone soon, too.
Brenda Holiday said:
I'm waiting for my big breakdown moment
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I somehow started grieving before she even died when she told me she had cancer, and the doctor told her she wasn't going to get better. I felt numb for 4 days, and then suddenly, one night, I had a panic attack I could not stop, and it did not stop for over 6 days. I would wake up in panic, cry, hyperventilate, and vomit all day, and then finally fall asleep from the exhaustion, only to wake up and do it all over again until my doctor finally called in benzos for me. Since then, I have been able to keep the panic at bay, but I have multiple breakdowns every day, starting in the morning when I wake up and remember she is gone.
Ginger & Bread = Mischief said:
I know that I'm terrified for when the day comes for my parents since I'm so hopelessly dependent on them and I love them so much.
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Strangely, my mother and I did not have a close relationship in my adulthood. She and my father moved away out to the country without me before I even graduated high school. My BPD sister had put them into bankruptcy and left me behind to pick up the pieces in a cheaper town hours away. I obviously felt abandoned and had a scary early adulthood with nowhere to go if I needed a place to stay or if I lost my job.

I resented my mother so much for abandoning me like that, but the moment I heard she was dying, all of that resentment and anger dissipated. I felt I had taken what she had been able to give me in life for granted.
Cat tit bingo said:
One of the worst things that people don't talk about is when you dream of them. I've had many dreams where they're just around and i genuinely believe it until I wake up and it's like a stab to the heart. I don't really have any solid advice for it but it helps me to just take a minute and focus on visualizing the times we had together and appreciate it even if it ends up making me sad.
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I just had one the other night. The dream was normal, and she was just there acting normally. In the dream, I did not remember that she was dead. But at some point, I got into a car with a bunch of people and we drove away from her. As she became smaller in the rear window, I suddenly remembered she had died. I desperately cried and screamed, and banged on the window for the car to stop and go back for her. I then awoke in tears.
Niggolash said:
I seriously think it was the fucking vax, bros.
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I found my mother's vax card. She had taken 7 MRNA injections.
Niggolash said:
but by some miracle my estranged sister came back into our lives right before she died.
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Lucky you. I got my BPD sister back in my life now, too, but not to support me only to cause more havoc.
 
Ser Prize said:
I lost my mom yesterday. It was so fucking sudden. I've been taking care of her for the last 6 years. I built my life around her.

I just want the pain to stop. The tears to stop.
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The bad news is that it never stops. I never met my own grandfather because he died before I was born, but my mother carried that grief for a good sixty years until she died, often as if it had happened just yesterday.

The good news is that you can find other things to build your life around, and that the pain will eventually retreat to the background. Naturally, it's a process that will take time. Just don't try to rush through the grieving process, because it will always backfire.

For now, just take care of yourself. Release everything that you need to feel. And don't be afraid to rely on other people for support.
 
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