Having the Sadz - What do you do when life bitch slaps you?

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Slappy McGherkin

Slappy McGherkin

Wisdom is chasing you, but you're always faster.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
I has extreme sadz right now. Trying to deal with life and end of life things. This is not a PL, but I'll explain a little because stupidly enough I likes my fellow Farmers and even with crazy shitposts, there's often valuable insight.

Mom. 86 years old. Drove her car off into ditch, was in the hospital for two weeks. The dementia has gone worse than Biden. I drove cross country to help take care of things, being the oldest son. She still thinks she's fine but one look at her, she can barely stand up or even take care of herself.

The obvious answer is obvious -- she needs assisted living but is fiercely independent, wants to stay in her house with her cats. Yes, insert crazy old cat lady meme here.

Dealing with her is like a two year old right now. Nothing sticks, endless stories heard for the 100th time. Trying to deal with doctors and med appointments. But somehow, she passed a psyche evaluation and doc says I can't commit her against her free will.

Maybe I'm the one that needs the bullet because this is killing me more than it's killing her.

I did something I haven't done in over 50 years this weekend. I went to church. And I prayed. And it was actually refreshing to my soul and current troubles.

Tell me about your sadz and how you overcome. I need to hear it right now.
 
Shitted Scaredless said:
The only thing keeping me from committing an hero is spite
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So hard to spite your mom's. Did that for years. But let it all go a long time ago because it's emotional cancer.

In Memoriam said:
Religion is underrated
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Agree. Added to my sadz a bit that I abandoned it so long ago. But, now that I've found it, don't think I'll do so again.
 
Sorry about the sadz friend. I’m religious (minor powerlevel) and I’ll say some prayers for you both. How do I deal with things? I try to practice a form of stoicism, sometimes I get MATI and loose my emotional cool, but I know it’s all a journey. I’m not an hero yet because I have family that I don’t want to inflict the sadz on either. ;)
 
I wish I had the answer. I've been struggling with severe depression since middle school, and it's only gotten worse over the years. Finding distractions is about the only thing I've been able to do, as medications have never helped at all. Also, cigarettes can help if you need to calm your nerves, if you're fine with smoking.
 
Are you on good enough terms with the other siblings to have them take on a share of the burden of care? It is difficult to tackle such hard situations alone.
 
Take a long walk while listening to an audiobook (preferably something you haven't heard or read before)

Combines a bunch of things that will physically make you feel better; light exercise, sunlight and a new experience.
If church helps you feel better then go more often, faith and religion get a lot of shit these days but I envy those who truly believe in it.
 
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So... isn't God the one who gave your mother dementia and made her drive into a ditch? Maybe not the best one to ask for help here. Just sayin'.

You might not get any help from deities, but you can get help from in-home health care workers. I get that she's not thrilled about the idea of assisted living, but depending on the severity of her mental impairment, you might be able to sneak an aide in under the guise of another job title. Like, maybe say it's a maid who just happens to want to help out with other stuff like grocery shopping and filling her pill sorters. She might realize how much easier it is having someone to help and stop fighting it so hard as long as she doesn't have to admit it's because she's getting old and losing her ability to remain independent.

As for the resulting depression, avoid drinking alone because that will make it much worse. Going to church and being part of a group makes theists produce oxytocin and endorphins, which makes them feel better. This can also be achieved non-religiously through hugs, sex, spicy food, and chocolate, or just hanging out with people you like and talking to them. Being part of a community can create an emotional support network and expose you to other people's experiences and opinions you might not have thought of on your own. I hear church is one such place, but I don't like being on fire so I wouldn't go inside one to find out. I suppose KF is also a community, of sorts.

Beyond that, keep your mind busy with things you enjoy. Even if you find yourself unable to enjoy them because you're too depressed, just keep trying things you *normally* enjoy, and eventually one of them will succeed in distracting you. One of the worst things for depression is stewing in your thoughts, so just about anything else is a better idea than that. Facing our mortality is one of the hardest parts of the human experience, but if you squint hard enough you can sometimes find a silver lining in it.
 
millais said:
Are you on good enough terms with the other siblings to have them take on a share of the burden of care? It is difficult to tackle such hard situations alone.
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There were four of us kids. Two have passed. Myself and brother left and we are on good terms, but he's had issues with mom his whole life, never let them go, and is also far away from her. He wants nothing to do with the situation, unfortunately.
 
Sorry to hear about your circumstances, and your mother.
Depression is a funny thing. It starts internally, and then begins to affect external matters such as your appearance and living conditions. When those two go, when you find yourself unconcerned by hygiene and living in a mess, the depression gets worse. There is a depressed role, and a depressed lifestyle.
The best thing to do is not to allow yourself to fall into that role and lifestyle. Keep yourself clean, keep your clothes clean, tidy up, eat properly, do your paperwork, vacuum the floors and dust the shelves.
You may not want to, but that's much of the battle. That's a destructive impulse, which wants you to feel worse.
If you don't fall into the role, you can move on to pretending not to be depressed when you go out. Put some nice clothes on. You're male, so also make sure to have a shave, do your hair and splash on some scent. Make absolutely sure that, regardless of what you feel, other people see nothing but a normal and functional member of society. They will treat you as one.
Once you are being treated as a non-depressed person, it is much easier to act as a non-depressed person. If you do that for long enough it will become your normal state of being. And then, if you're lucky, it all goes away.
 
The good news is you're not crazy.

A feeling becomes a mental illness when you're not happy/sad/angry *about* something. If you're happy because you won the lottery, that's rational. But if you're happy all the time for no good reason, that's mania. In your case, you're sad because of the situation with your mom. It's not clinical depression, it's stress-induced sadness and anxiety, and understandably so. As such, medication is unlikely to help because there's nothing wrong with your brain, your depression is rational. But of course in many ways that's worse, because you know the problems you are facing are real. But it does mean it will pass and you will be able to get back to normal at some point. These feelings are not forever.

A relative of mine had turbo-Alzheimer's and it's a hideous situation for the family. Having to deal with toddler temper tantrums from a 6 foot former special forces soldier with tard strength was hellish and went on for several years before a stroke rendered him immobile. We did manage to get him in several homes, but he didn't last because none of them could cope with his behaviour - he would get into fights with other residents, smash things, attack the staff. Bouncing him from home to home was almost as bad as keeping him with us, so I'm not sure that committing your mom would necessarily solve all the problems anyway.

For most dementia patients, their physical and mental health is better if they stay at home. That she has cats helps, they will help calm her down and give her something to occupy her time and energy with (unless she's a danger to them). Is there any way you could get a nurse or specialist carer to visit her and make sure her needs are taken care of? The people across the road from me bought their house from some billion-year-old woman who lost her marbles a decade prior, she had stayed in her home and been looked after by carers. I'm a Bong, not a Yank, so I don't know how you would go about that, but here you can either go through the government or through a large number of non-profits who provide services. I think getting in touch with dementia charities (if you haven't done so already) is a very good idea - even if they can't provide an active service for your mom they can provide advice from people who deal with this exact kind of situation every day, and they can give not only practical advice but emotional advice for relatives having to deal with dementia - some even provide counselling or therapy directly related to that problem.

@Miss Chance has good advice. Respect yourself, treat yourself with the dignity you deserve. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a sped, you're just dealing with some heavy shit and you deserve respect for that - including from yourself.
 
I can somewhat understand these feelings. It's not easy to deal with dementia that come after your relative, even harder to maintain the control over situation when it's obvious that things like these are tend to be very chaotic.

I remember seeing my grandmother for the last time, I wasn't surprised that she have started to lose connection with reality, as well as the fact that her health condition wasn't good at all for the last 5-10 years had to say a lot, so dementia was one of expected outcomes.

She passed away just a few days after I went to her apartments because my aunt (also her daughter) asked for help from my dad, but due to the fact he wasn't able to come there I went up as soon as I was able to.

It still saddens me. No not the fact that she have passed away, but the fact that despite all the good and bad things between us I felt nothing back then. Like, literally.

Guess I just become sensless douche, after all...
 
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