/horror/ general megathread - Let's talk about movies and shit.

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Standardized Profile said:
I just finished I Saw the TV Glow, knowing almost nothing about it other than what was written in the Prime blurb. If the blurb had told me TV stood for transvestite, I could have saved myself almost two hours.

The sad part is, and I don't know what this says about me, I was really kind of enjoying it until I realized the whole thing was about a man wanting to be a teenage girl from a TV show he watched in junior high. But some of the themes sparked my interest: the way media was consumed and shared among loners in the 90s, fantasy as an escape, how our youthful fascinations look different in adulthood, how time seems to pass faster as you get older, Maddy's batshit insanity, and finally the possibility that she was telling the truth.

The movie's greatest sin is its lack of resolution. What does Owen do now? Does he bury himself alive? Does he drop dead from asthma? Did Isabelle run out of oxygen in the real/TV world? (This should have happened during the birthday party, when all the NPCs shut down and the candles stopped burning.) Finally, what happened to Maddy? I guess ciswomen don't matter in trans narratives. Every single one is dead or disappeared.
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That movie is boring trash, I'm glad I quit watching 20 mins in!
 
Vampirella said:
I think I'll raise my abusive husband that hated me for not getting pregnant now that he's turned himself in to a baby from a botched spell he got from a old man hippy and his fat wife from their weird spin off shop of Medieval Times.
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One of the best MST3K's episodes to this day. In my top 10!
 

Sorry, I have to bitch about this video.

>Groomer Project donation bar
>Cameo of some literal-who troon with a PASWG edit for an avatar and can barely form a sentence when speaking
>Lesbian porno books in the back
>Pronunciation-spergs about Sadako's name
>Makes sections about a villain from a tranime, Nemesis from Resident Evil, and Cthulu even doe the video title says 'Horror MOVIE villains'
>Randomly says in the deadites section that Jason Voorhees is technically a deadite, which isn't true and that was only because of a retarded director from the 90's being an Evil Dead fanboy
>Says you can't survive Michael Myers but can survive Jason Voorhees because ?????????
>Weird tangents made by mentioned troon cameo drags on the video where it doesn't need to, especially in Freddy Krueger's section
>Bases Freddy Krueger's survivability chance over the non-canon, failed Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comics instead of the actual movies because ?????????
>Concludes the most dangerous horror villain on the list is the monster from The Thing, over the literal demi-gods and beasts that are as large as sky-scrapers and shoot death lasers.
>"We didn't mention any of the other characters from classic horror movies that you'd actually figure would be on this list because...we just didn't luh mao"

Terrible video. Soy slop.
 
BrunoMattei said:
That. Sounds. Stupid.
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The original short story by King is actually a pretty good one, as most of his short stories are. It benefits from being more of a psychological thriller from the POV of the protagonist who encountered the monkey when he was young, then again when he has a wife and kids of his own. So you get great flashbacks, the dread that the monkey will kill his current family, and so on. Its the classic "Death is Super Scary and you Can't Stop It, It is Inevitable/Unpredictable" but with the "Malevolent Artifact" spin, which is a time-tested classic paired with a good execution. Since its a short story, King also can't ruin it with stupid explanations or padded bullshit either, and its really well done.

How this is going to be padded and stretched out into a full movie I do not even begin to understand. Adapting it as a segment in an anthology movie seems like a challenging but reasonable task with what you've got. Trying to fill even a hundred minutes is going to require a massive amounts of stretch, and they'll probably fill time with some kind of contrived bullshit explanation that undercuts the mystery and terror, like the money is a demon or something, with a lot of dumb ass distracting nonsensical backstory to set up a future series of movies set in the Monkey-Verse. The trailer itself looks like formulaic tedium on top of that, so I know that I'd be sitting down to a bunch of bland, uninteresting bullshit that lacks the lean, direct terror of the original material.

Hard pass on the adaptation, but I recommend the short story.
 
John.Doe said:
The original short story by King is actually a pretty good one, as most of his short stories are.
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I like Kings short stories a lot more then I like his books. I've seen a few of his short stories adapted well if they're kept short. The Moving Finger was the final episode of Tale from the Dark side and I think they did a good job with it. I can't think of many times Hollywood as taken a short story, stretched it out to a full length move and had it turn out good.
 
Vampirella said:
I like Kings short stories a lot more then I like his books. I've seen a few of his short stories adapted well if they're kept short. The Moving Finger was the final episode of Tale from the Dark side and I think they did a good job with it. I can't think of many times Hollywood as taken a short story, stretched it out to a full length move and had it turn out good.
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King is at his best in the short form. His novels are maybe 60/40 hit or miss in overall quality, but his short stories have a much higher ratio of quality. He can come up with good concepts and the limitations of length don't let him weigh those strong concepts down with a bunch of stupid bullshit. Unfortunately turning them into movies presents the opportunity to add in the exact same stupid bullshit that ruins most of his novels.
 
1-800 said:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=JI7YOGb0e3Q
Sorry, I have to bitch about this video.

>Groomer Project donation bar
>Cameo of some literal-who troon with a PASWG edit for an avatar and can barely form a sentence when speaking
>Lesbian porno books in the back
>Pronunciation-spergs about Sadako's name
>Makes sections about a villain from a tranime, Nemesis from Resident Evil, and Cthulu even doe the video title says 'Horror MOVIE villains'
>Randomly says in the deadites section that Jason Voorhees is technically a deadite, which isn't true and that was only because of a retarded director from the 90's being an Evil Dead fanboy
>Says you can't survive Michael Myers but can survive Jason Voorhees because ?????????
>Weird tangents made by mentioned troon cameo drags on the video where it doesn't need to, especially in Freddy Krueger's section
>Bases Freddy Krueger's survivability chance over the non-canon, failed Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comics instead of the actual movies because ?????????
>Concludes the most dangerous horror villain on the list is the monster from The Thing, over the literal demi-gods and beasts that are as large as sky-scrapers and shoot death lasers.
>"We didn't mention any of the other characters from classic horror movies that you'd actually figure would be on this list because...we just didn't luh mao"

Terrible video. Soy slop.
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I mentioned this on some other thread but this sped has been a long running woke bitch-scold dedicated to fabricating excuses to declare others (usually high profile accounts that have yet to declare how much they love currentthing and hate the current boogieman, or anyone who vaguely mocks or critiques whatever the woke narrative du jour is) as 1000% confirmed rape loving nazis who need to be censored off the internet lest they incite a dozen genocides by posting another frog meme.

I first caught wind of him acting the simpering little sycophant to JK rowling when she was in the middle of her "youtubers like Pewdiepie are literal ISIS tier terrorists and they need to be prosecuted and arrested for their crimes because of edgy jokes made in their comments section, as I am so fucking retarded I actually think random internet comments made on their channel by anonymous accounts are this persons actual views" crusade....which is so utterly vindicating to consider in hindsight for so many reasons. Since then it seems he is trying to jump on the "video essayist" bandwagon to gather the last few crumbs of post breadtube attention that remain, and thus anything he posts needs to be filtered through this context to understand just how worthless his opinions are.

Anyway, speaking of malformed little freaks with degenerate sexual proclivities, time to finally bite the bullet and sit down for the movie on the Zombi "series" list I have been dreading more than the rest, despite being one I have never actually seen. Zombi 3: Burial Ground


Premise: An archaeology professor discovers an ancient crypt which contains living dead corpses. The zombies go on a rampage and attack a group of people which the professor had invited to celebrate his discovery.

IMDB synopsis out the way, I will also preface this with the reason why I am dreading this movie so much. I hate midgets. I hate mutants. I hate adult actors pretending to be children. These are fundamental things that I genuinely dislike seeing in movies....or in general to be honest.

That this movie has all this shit combined is one of the first things I learned about it, the second being the fact he is also an incestuous mutant midget pretending to be a child and since then I have gone out of my way to avoid watching the movie because of how miserable a cringe this shit will give me. I dont care if its objectively hilarious. I dont want to fucking see it....and yet here I fucking go now....

Execution: We start with a random bearded professor guy digging out a clay tablet from a cave. Back in the office he quickly realises its important and seems to translate its kindergarten fingerpaint looking runes into directions as he heads down the road to some roman looking ruins in slightly confusing day for night shots. We get some kinda nice shots of him walking through the spoopy ruin interior which turns out to be the cave from like a minute ago, and hammering where he found the tablet we see a sarcofagus start to open and he gets ambushed by an ok looking but somewhat "halloween mask" looking zombie. Said zombie kinda just meanders after him with his hands outstretched like he just broke out a retirement home while bearded professor whines at him to stay back and how he is said zombie's friend, only to get jumped from behind by another zombie and killed.

Cut to opening credits and downright inappropriate music playing as we watch a bunch of cars driving along a road. They eventually arrive at a grimy looking manor house and it turns out to be a bunch of amophous wop couples, including the previously mentioned mutant Midge pretending to be a child. He starts being a creepy little freak from the getgo around his vaguely milf-esque mother. All the couples have decided to immediately start fucking without so much as an excuse or reasoning why they are even there beyond an offhand mention of being invited by the professor. Naturally the midge is creepily watching them at it, including just abruptly walking in on his parents fucking because he, like all midgets, is a sexual pervert. For some reason his mother decides to spring out of bed and jump fully nude in front of him into the middle of the room before ordering him to fuck off.

Randomly one of the chicks has spontaneously decided they are all doomed despite nothing happening to or around them yet, and down in the crypts the zombies amble out of bed and head out for the night. Honestly these guys dont look terrible at a distance, and the monk robes/funeral shrouds they wear remind me of the conquistador zombies from Zombi 2 which is probably what they were going for. Suddenly though its the next morning and all the guests are sitting down for breakfast while some petulant sounding asshole is whining about being th....its the fucking midge. Of course its the fucking midge. They couldnt even bribe some retarded kid to dub him over so its just some very obvious adult guy poorly reading out his lines. We get more casual exposition of the professor having invited them because of some old zombie magic shit which nobody finds particularly concerning. As they all take off for various walking trips around the sets, the midge stares creepily at his mother again. We cut back to the zombies still ambling round their crypt....and back to the cast.

Couple A (blonde chick who had visions of doom and her balding boyfriend) decide to take a bunch of tourist photos in the garden which wastes a few more minutes before we cut back to the manor where the maid and butler are freaking out over the lights being turned on and off a couple times until they explode. More random shots of zombies moving around, and we check in with Couple B (hairy wop and generic chick) for a fifth of a second before cutting back to Couple A prpearing to rawdog in the grass....and back to the manor. Fuck im getting whiplash here. Midge and his Parents/Owners are in whats either a really crappy museum within the manor or a sculpting workshop. While midge looks bored his parents decide to start target practicing with a pistol they randomly brought along while making out in front of their degenerate mutant offspring/pet. Midge gets angry and runs over to creep on his mother once more, and now we cut back outside.

We see a pretty neat if still Halloween mask looking zombie covered in writhing maggots is crawling out the ground next to Couple A who are busy with the aforementioned rawdogging before grabbing him balding guy on the ankle and....the guy easily shakes him off and the two spend a minute reacting in ever more badly acted horror at the sight of the poor guy, before they narrowly dodge another zombie and hightail it out of there, running into yet further zombies as they flee through the garden, the movie lingering on shots of them long enough to become annoying which is a shame as I do kinda like their look.

Back in the manor, Midge finds a random piece of sack cloth and declares "IT SMELLS OF DEATH" to his parents/owners before they too get swarmed by zombies, who after getting shot seem to be bleeding chocolate milk. Midge's dad gets killed and we get some ok gore as he is disemboweled, though it looks kinda too much like jello to be as effective as it could be. Couple B is still making out outside, and see another zombie crawling out a flower pot prompting them to run. Couple A are still running, and blonde chick runs over a random fucking bear trap left in the garden, the zombies inching closer as her balding boyfriend tries limply to remove it in a way that makes it snap shut on her leg a bunch more times....this really could work in a comedic scene now I think about it.

As the zombies close in and the editing becomes more deranged, balding boyfriend picks up a handy pitch fork and lightly taps the nearest zombie to death...I think....the cutting is fucking terrible here. Another one starts choking him out, but thankfully Couple B runs to their rescue, by smashing some skulls with convenient rocks. The closeups of said skull smashing making it clear these are clay models being crushed but whatever, I aint gonna complain too hard. Finally freed from the bear trap Blonde chick reminds everyone she dreamed shit was gonna happen and they head for the cars. Back in the manor, Midge and Milf take out two zombies by throwing paintcans full of green onto them and then setting them on fire before fleeing and meeting up with the rest. Due to like three of the easily killed zombies hanging out near the cars they decide to flee back into the main building and lock all the doors as the zombies start to swarm outside, and it becomes clear now how they only have these six or seven masks that they will reuse for dozens of zombies.

Inside the maid finds a window is open on the second floor, but before she closes it it a zombie randomly fucking throws a shuriken at her, pinning her hand to the shutter and allowing the zombies to reach a scythe up and decapitate her. Finding her body Hairy Wop dumps the rest of her body out to them so he can close the window and we get another gore scene which looks suspiciously identical to the previous one. The zombies are all arming themselves with various tools which I guess makes them a lil more distinctive looking, and begin to hack away at the front door while Hairy Wop finds a convenient shotgun and starts racking up headshots until the zombies decide to fuck off just as he runs out of shells, though one zombie has the bright idea to parkour up the walls onto a balcony, and he almost pulls generic chick through a window before....just randomly falling backwards I guess.

The butler and blonde chick head into a decently stocked medieval armoury, before butler fucks off to find balding boyfriend...guess they all decided to split up...as the zombies steadily break their way in from the outside. She is saved by Hairy Wop and Baldy who take like ten minutes to kill the zombies, and by the time Midge and Milf arrive they are still flailing away, and Milf manages to take out one by herself before they finish. Sadly she also rescues midge from another one, decapitating it while he whines like the mutant midge freak that he is. Blonde Chick has now been whimpering and sobbing for like fifteen minutes now and its starting to grate.

Taking the midge out the room, Milf tries to reassure him as he grows whinier....and creepier....and yeah this is what I knew was coming oh god he's trying to make out with her....hes pulling her tits out....and now he's trying to grab her by the pussy while babbling about wanting her breasts since he was a baby jesus christ why was this in the movie. Eventually getting a well deserved slap, he runs off like the degenerate mutant Midge bitch he is, straight into generic chick who I guess is a zombie now after getting cut up a little by broken glass, and he whines some more, standing perfectly still as she stumbles towards him.....fuck and we get another cut before I get to see his filthy midge throat ripped out. Outside the zombies are back....as if they ever left. Baldy has the bright idea of letting them in....because apparently they are just there to rob the house. Ya know I will forgive this, as we have to assume the characters are operating in the context of not knowing shit about zombies which....ok yeah thats still fucking stupid, forgiveness waived.

Milf is busy looking for her incestuous pervert of a mutant midge son, and finds him being eaten in the shitter by the zombified generic chick. With some....phenomenally terrible dubbing she rushes over to hug his corpse as the zombie happily chows down on his flesh like five inches behind her without a care in the world, until she is interrupted by the enraged Milf who either strangles her to death somehow or is smashing her head on the side of the bathtub and they forgot to edit in the sounds, and goes back to fondling her dead pervert midge son. Outside and the zombies have either found or constructed a literal fucking battering ram and are laying siege to the front door. The surviving cast sans Milf are just standing in front of it, and only realise they should run when they burst inside. Finding a convenient hidden passageway they successfully hide from the zombies.....and then fucking leave after like two seconds just in time to run into Milf who is rapidly taking the lead for shittest acting of the movie

The butler randomly runs into the professor from the first scene on his way back to the armoury and gets his throat ripped out, and we get a decent little disembowlment scene as he eats his entrails, and the surviving cast decides not to use the now zombie free cars and instead just randomly teleport to a hitherto unseen outbuilding as the sun rises. Blonde chick is STILL whining while Milf has finally stopped trying to act. Finding a convenient monastery they head inside only to find the Monls too have been zombified and now Hairy Wop briefly takes back the lead for shitty overacting as he gets ripped apart by them. Seeing this Milf starts screeching like a retard again and they flee to yet another abandoned building with yet more zombies inside, including the now zombified Midge who takes the opportunity to finally get at Milf's tiddies as she....fucking encourages him jesus christ this is why I gave the movie a miss for so fucking long. Naturally he bites her nipple off and the rest of the zombies swarm inside, and just before Couple A are about to die the movie finally decides to end with a hilariously misspelled "Profecy of the Black Spider".

Analysis: The fuck was that?!
  • Cinematography: The actual shots themselves were not that bad, but the editing downright killed the movie with how scizophrenic the cutting was
  • Soundtrack: A poorly made mishmash heavy on random synth noises rather than any distinctive music that might build mood or punctuate scares
  • Effects: Zombie makeup and presentation was pretty good, albeit crude the more you looked at them, and the gore was ok but nothing too special.
  • Story: Possibly the worst paced story so far and it dragged fucking miserably even before one gets to the substance which....yeah there was no fucking substance. There was barely any story
  • Characters: Barely even existent as characters, and absolutely terribly acted. The only distinction being the midge who is just a fucking miserable nightmare to see on screen for so many fucking reasons
  • Innovation: Erm....zombies liked using weapons more than what is normal
  • Scares/Kills: Kills were not the worst I have seen, but nothing really stood out. No scares as per usual beyond everything about the fucking Midge.
Conclusion: If I were to fully excise the Midge and all his scenes it would be as a whole a pretty terrible zombie movie, though nothing especially obnoxious given the standards of italian zombie schlock. With his scenes though this shit was actively unpleasant to watch at times, so while I am glad I no longer have to ever watch this even out of curiosity, I feel still cheated having made myself sit through it
 
I watched Terrifier for the first time last night. While I respect the practical effects work, one certain scene lost most of it's impact for me after watching Bone Tomahawk (not to mention a certain scene directly ripped off from Buffalo Bill.) Reading the Wikipedia entries for the two sequels makes them sound like the most retarded shit imaginable, and not in the good way.

I'll be skipping further entries in this series and really have no reason to revisit the first one.
 
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ChampFantana said:
I watched Terrifier for the first time last night...... Reading the Wikipedia entries for the two sequels makes them sound like the most retarded shit imaginable, and not in the good way.

I'll be skipping further entries in this series and really have no reason to revisit the first one.
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You're making the right decision, the sequels are extremely retarded. Decent effects work, but if you cut out all the stupid bullshit you have a great effects demo reel that runs about 20 minutes long.

scallion said:
I didn't believe this until I read 'The Jaunt'. Sick ass story, very much like Event Horizon (imo an overrated movie that was just too fucking drawn out)
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Yep, I can easily recommend you read his short story collections, you're bound to get some great frights and if you run into a dud its only 30 pages worth of time you can skip past to the next story.
 
Having just now bothered to look at the trailer for the other Popeye horror film, I was coming up with ideas for a Popeye horror story that would probably be better, like Popeye fighting monsters, like he punches a vampire in the face so hard that it's lips get pinned together by it's fangs. Or a werewolf gets in his face and snarls, so Popeye snarls back and the werewolf is so intimidated it whimpers and curls up into a ball.
 
I saw Smile 2 (2024) now that a good copy is out, and I really liked it more than the first one. Most of it is really carried by hard it goes further into the psychological horror aspects, and while the movie feels kinda similar to the first one, it feels like a bit of an upgrade to me anyway.

Would say that I hope Smile 3 is different, either going completely apeshit with what the ending of 2 implied or as some have said ITT have an evil piece of shit be the lead.

I am going to watch Thanksgiving (2023) and Black Friday (2021) just because of the holiday this week.
 
Commander X said:
Having just now bothered to look at the trailer for the other Popeye horror film, I was coming up with ideas for a Popeye horror story that would probably be better, like Popeye fighting monsters, like he punches a vampire in the face so hard that it's lips get pinned together by it's fangs. Or a werewolf gets in his face and snarls, so Popeye snarls back and the werewolf is so intimidated it whimpers and curls up into a ball.
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it's amazing how much Popeye productions can suck ass at Popeye
like that Genndy Tartakovski thing the animatics leaked for, sucked ass regardless of if you want to get hype about him doing popeye with the spongebob guy as Popeye
 
1-800 said:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=JI7YOGb0e3Q
Sorry, I have to bitch about this video.

>Groomer Project donation bar
>Cameo of some literal-who troon with a PASWG edit for an avatar and can barely form a sentence when speaking
>Lesbian porno books in the back
>Pronunciation-spergs about Sadako's name
>Makes sections about a villain from a tranime, Nemesis from Resident Evil, and Cthulu even doe the video title says 'Horror MOVIE villains'
>Randomly says in the deadites section that Jason Voorhees is technically a deadite, which isn't true and that was only because of a retarded director from the 90's being an Evil Dead fanboy
>Says you can't survive Michael Myers but can survive Jason Voorhees because ?????????
>Weird tangents made by mentioned troon cameo drags on the video where it doesn't need to, especially in Freddy Krueger's section
>Bases Freddy Krueger's survivability chance over the non-canon, failed Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comics instead of the actual movies because ?????????
>Concludes the most dangerous horror villain on the list is the monster from The Thing, over the literal demi-gods and beasts that are as large as sky-scrapers and shoot death lasers.
>"We didn't mention any of the other characters from classic horror movies that you'd actually figure would be on this list because...we just didn't luh mao"

Terrible video. Soy slop.
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He needs his own thread.
 
Maybe they can do a Falling Down type movie on Popeye who feels the land he left while at sea had lost it's way and it's values. He could be a mix of D-Fens, Frank from God Bless America and Ezekiel Rage from The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest. I mean he would feel disillusioned he was robbed like this:
 
Commander X said:
Having just now bothered to look at the trailer for the other Popeye horror film, I was coming up with ideas for a Popeye horror story that would probably be better, like Popeye fighting monsters, like he punches a vampire in the face so hard that it's lips get pinned together by it's fangs. Or a werewolf gets in his face and snarls, so Popeye snarls back and the werewolf is so intimidated it whimpers and curls up into a ball.
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I want to see this. Just make it a good horror comedy.
 
The Cunting Death said:
He needs his own thread.
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He's been talked about plenty of times on the forum, back during the Vic Mignogna situation and has been trying to find a name for himself and his grift.
Standardized Profile said:
I could have saved myself almost two hours.
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Reminds me of the time I saw "It Comes at Night." The tranny director of the Glow film stopped a movie from being shown at the Music Box since he deemed it was "transphobic."
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