How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Tsar Nicky]

Feel depressed almost every time I go outside, which is most days. My area of Bri'ain was relatively untouched a few years back, and now the demographic replacement is not only a statistical fact, it's right in front of my eyes. Middle Easterners, fighting age Ukrainian cowards, Pakis and Pahjeets, Africans all becoming more common very quickly. My home is already barely recognizable to me. Rape, murder, mugging all MUCH higher than they were too but honestly that's secondary to the cultural decline and disunity. A country can't survive in this state and it already no longer feels like my country.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

mechanic

I am in the same space right now with my car. I've put thousands into it recently, had it in with a local mechanic who charged all that, then just found out from a different one my struts are rusted out and my sway bars are busted (this other mechanic also actually walked me through the issues with the car hoisted so I could SEE it - and he did so knowing I live a good ways away from his shop and <25% odds would drive all that way to get it fixed there). I'm MAD that the local (expensive) guy looks only at exactly what I bring it in for, even though he implies he checks it out. I'm doubting his past work, given the newly discovered things could also have contributed to why I've taken it in a couple times. Is $5000+ in 2-3 years worth keeping the car? Deciding. I like no car payment. But I have 50 other things competing for my money, so surprise $2000 bills annoy me.

Sorry to grab your topic. My point was I get why it's distracting, disruptive, and maddening.

But for the sake of sleep health, I'd still encourage you to find ways to put it away at bedtime, when you can (and you did ask about help for insomnia). It wasn't a criticism, just a suggestion for a relatable frustration.

Fireball

I fucking love fireball (I'm a cinnamon fan). But it goes down too fast (for me) to have around.

 

[eatler]

Why do I keep getting dogs that want to take random prey animals and rival species under their wing?

Is his name spike?

 

[dick brain]

Peeled back yet another layer of maladaptive behavior developed in my childhood as a coping mechanism. Getting pretty fucking far down now, so deep that I'm starting to wonder if that's all I am; if there will be anything left of me; if I'm just rotten to the foundation. Starting to worry that I'll never be better, never be able to love, etc. Getting pretty hard to ignore the part of me that thinks I should kill myself. But I promised some people I wouldn't, so I just kill myself in the gym.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Peeled back yet another layer of maladaptive behavior developed in my childhood as a coping mechanism. Getting pretty fucking far down now, so deep that I'm starting to wonder if that's all I am; if there will be anything left of me; if I'm just rotten to the foundation. Starting to worry that I'll never be better, never be able to love, etc. Getting pretty hard to ignore the part of me that thinks I should kill myself. But I promised some people I wouldn't, so I just kill myself in the gym.

Nah, this is a good process. Go at an OK pace (meaning one that you can tolerate, and it's OK to pause for a breath), but you're doing good things if you're ripping away stuff that's in your way. Just make sure to replace the garbage with better things.

 

[dick brain]

Just make sure to replace the garbage with better things.

This is the tough part now. What I'm dealing with specifically is a habitual tendency to turn to others in an attempt to replace love I should have gotten in my childhood, and most recently coming to grips with just how much of my "pro-social" goals and desires aren't actually things I inherently care about, but rather attempts to "earn" love by pursuing things that are socially valued. But in unpacking that, I'm kind of at a loss for things that actually matter to me. All I want to do is travel and run trails and backpack and climb mountains, but those things don't pay bills. Even making music feels tainted. Meanwhile, I'm afraid to get too close to anyone out of fear of falling into old habits, and basically just trying to not need love.

Hurts.

 

[Mayor Cody Travers]

I may have an in a night auditor job. I'll report if it happens.

Spoiler: Friend thoughts.

My friend left me because of a lack of initiative and major depression on my part, but I also feel so angry because I didn't ask for her to push me, and what she wanted me to work at would excaberate my issues even worse than they are. But it angers and hurts me she assumed a responsibility over me I didn't ask her to do.

I miss her and I want to talk to her again, I can only do it once I've improved like getting this job, but it hurts so bad feeling like I was under scrutiny for not meeting up to her standards. And it scares me she would assume I only did this to get in her good graces when no, I finally learned consequences, but also I want to feel like an actual friendship again, but I just want to talk to her.

I didn't ask to be abandoned.

 

[dick brain]

I didn't ask to be abandoned.

Few do.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

But in unpacking that, I'm kind of at a loss for things that actually matter to me.

I've been through that. If there's a lot of clutter/confusion/wrong drivers/garbage, then when you remove the garbage, you can feel a void. It can be weird and uncomfortable. But if you rebuild well, the void will recede and be replaced with things that truly matter to you. It may be different. But different can be better.

All I want to do is travel and run trails and backpack and climb mountains, but those things don't pay bills. Even making music feels tainted. Meanwhile, I'm afraid to get too close to anyone out of fear of falling into old habits, and basically just trying to not need love.

Hurts.

It's startling not to want to do things that you know you care about (maybe music, in your example). I think that kind of thing will come back. And you'll have more clarity about what you care about and don't.

It can feel or be solitary to go through a reckoning, though maybe solitude is what is needed for a bit. It seems to me that if a pitfall in the past is giving your love away (or, as you put it, a "tendency to turn to others in an attempt to replace love I should have gotten in my childhood"), then a period of just you and you might be the right thing while you continue the good work you're doing. ...and it is work to tear down and rebuild. It's not forever...if you're someone who values or has related with people in the past, it should only be better when you are better.

Obviously I'm generalizing and speculating (and projecting, I'm sure), but as lonely as you might feel right now, if you are doing all this good work, then maybe the current absence of the interpersonal stuff is what's necessary for you to get to a strong place for healthy interactions.

 

[AnOminous]

Last dog was like this with bunnies. Why do I keep getting dogs that want to take random prey animals and rival species under their wing?

My most recent cat is because the dog fell in love with her and winter was coming. So in came the cat. They're best friends.

 

[anustart76]

I got a couple of messages from the companies I applied to! I'm really, really hoping these calls go well.
I went to visit my parents for a couple days, and I'm glad I did. It was something I needed to do, and we all felt good about it. Only problem was I had to force myself to leave today because I know if I had stayed much longer I wouldn't be able to make myself leave again.
Work-wise, our team lead told me he thinks I'm doing a great job and that it's a pleasure working with me. Now, I'm fucking convinced at this point that my manager trying to get rid of me has nothing to do with my actual performance. Whether she dislikes me personally or if she's trying to reduce headcount or something like that, I'm still not totally sure of.

Anyone have any fancy insomnia remedies?

Melatonin

 

[Fat Gay Riker]

Currently carrying a lot of trepidation, as my boss is moving on and there's an interim time of assessment to see if I'll be able to apply for his job. Everyone is congratulating me, but it's not even a certain thing yet. Farther along than most would be in my position, but I don't know  everything, and it comes at a time when a stress-test of our limits ooperationally is coming up. Going from the frying pan to the furnace. Trying to not fear failure, as any slight fuck-up weighs heavy on me personally. Hoping to do well, preparing to do as best I can.

 

[The Cunting Death]

My most recent cat is because the dog fell in love with her and winter was coming. So in came the cat. They're best friends.

Reminds me of my older brothers dog and cat. The dog is just old and wants to lay down, the cat just likes relaxing, so they're chill with each other.

 

[beejams]

I don't know how relatable this might be to anyone else but I constantly shut myself out from people because I'm afraid they're pretending to like me as a joke, or just humoring me.
I can't ever assume that someone is talking to me because they like me, there's always an ulterior motive in my mind. I never even give myself the opportunity to get rejected because I always reject myself first.
Realizing this is probably close to the root of why I struggle to make connections with people. I can't let them know I reciprocate any feelings, ever, because it's a sign of weakness.

Still going to the gym daily. Don't know how long I'll keep it up but I actually look forward to it every day now.
Maybe people that tell you they like you and want to get closer to you, actually just mean that.

 

[White Trash Motorsport]

I feel you man, I almost ended a family last bus ride I had because a little kid kept bumping into me, getting up and just waltzing around the bus. The would of been one less family on welfare. I actually would kill someone I just hate non patenting/parenting

I‘d take an annoying little kid rather than the certifiably crazy people who smell of piss and general unwashedness. That particular bus route goes past a homeless/probation hostel so there’s two stops I actively avoid using as they’ll try scrounging money off you while you wait.

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

I am in the same space right now with my car. I've put thousands into it recently, had it in with a local mechanic who charged all that, then just found out from a different one my struts are rusted out and my sway bars are busted (this other mechanic also actually walked me through the issues with the car hoisted so I could SEE it - and he did so knowing I live a good ways away from his shop and <25% odds would drive all that way to get it fixed there). I'm MAD that the local (expensive) guy looks only at exactly what I bring it in for, even though he implies he checks it out. I'm doubting his past work, given the newly discovered things could also have contributed to why I've taken it in a couple times. Is $5000+ in 2-3 years worth keeping the car? Deciding. I like no car payment. But I have 50 other things competing for my money, so surprise $2000 bills annoy me.

I'm gonna fix it and sell it. Maybe get a reliable old car and then just stick a touch screen head unit in. Only feature in a car I really need.

I spent the entire day hungover because I just drank and haven't eaten anything.

Sorry to grab your topic. My point was I get why it's distracting, disruptive, and maddening.

Absolutely no need to apologize.

But for the sake of sleep health, I'd still encourage you to find ways to put it away at bedtime, when you can (and you did ask about help for insomnia). It wasn't a criticism, just a suggestion for a relatable frustration.

I don't have a problem with criticism. I am open to constructive criticism from anyone but I also offer it unsolicited. I agree. But this time I was so pissed off and not having my other herbal sleep aid put in in an insomniac rage.

Though I've been having my dreams return.

I fucking love fireball (I'm a cinnamon fan). But it goes down too fast (for me) to have around.

I love cinnamon smells and flavor. I used to eat those round hard atomic candies until my tongue was chemical burnt... all the time.

Melatonin

It seems to only work like 40% of the time. The truth is I am a natural night owl.

 

[Fareal]

IIRC, there have been a number of largish group studies done that indicated that even with drug assistance, you can't really meaningfully shift your personal circadian rhythm.

I have given up trying, am continually sleep deprived, and hate everyone for unreasonably wanting to be awake during daylight

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Got more or less abandoned by the foster family. It's been more or less complicated with them but there's a part of me that still kinda dreams and longs for a family that I never had or can have which is why I come back despite how badly they tend to treat me. I suppose it's the process of mourning something I never had, then going back to the place where I have an illusion of having that thing.

You do get a little edgy from bouncing around in the system only to get retraumatized all over again. So I've more or less spent today getting comfortable with my own company, molding and analyzing my tendency to avoid people, and accepting being an orphan for the last four years with extremely unstable familial relationships until I eventually learn how to form healthy relations without becoming a doormat.

On the other hand, I may have gotten myself a job in the future. After a longer period of sickness and joblessness, I've been approached with an upcoming offer to work at libraries around the municipality which I am okay with.

 

[Gangstalker #32194]

so-so

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

Got more or less abandoned by the foster family. It's been more or less complicated with them but there's a part of me that still kinda dreams and longs for a family that I never had or can have which is why I come back despite how badly they tend to treat me. I suppose it's the process of mourning something I never had, then going back to the place where I have an illusion of having that thing.

You do get a little edgy from bouncing around in the system only to get retraumatized all over again. So I've more or less spent today getting comfortable with my own company, molding and analyzing my tendency to avoid people, and accepting being an orphan for the last four years with extremely unstable familial relationships until I eventually learn how to form healthy relations without becoming a doormat.

On the other hand, I may have gotten myself a job in the future. After a longer period of sickness and joblessness, I've been approached with an upcoming offer to work at libraries around the municipality which I am okay with.

Assuming you're in America or Canada, get married overseas where close-knit extended family is still a thing. Not joking. You will get the family you never had, if you marry into a good one. It's not like in America in many places.