How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I lost out on a job offer because I told them I didn’t want to start right away due to some circumstances at my current job and my contact within the company blueballed me for months.

I’m pretty crushed. Probably just gonna crawl in bed and stare at the ceiling.
 
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I'm sick of joining fandoms, making sfw on topic fictional artwork, and sharing it, just to get a random permaban by some "johnny come lately" jannie personally telling me to fuck off when im not fedposting or shitposting and just share what I'm working on. I know I know, my biggest mistake was attempting to reasonably participate any fanbase and not enjoying fictional media by myself.

Then as someone uninitiated, I read up on KF that it really was a bunch of crazymaking bullshit from those communities overrun by trigger happy discordniggers that has gotten so bad that even completely unrelated people have actually been able to document the trigger happy bullshit extensively. Ban appeals are a joke and are never taken seriously. Especially in cases of moderator abuse. Even this site itself has experienced that a few times over the years.

Whoever replied to me earlier basically saying the internet's been socially engineered to be a propaganda consooming or militant shitposting machine was absolutely right.
 
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I'm in a weird place mentally.

You see, I'm an introvert, I hate being around people and I don't like to be with so many people at once. However, I am starting to feel the weight I have on my loneliness other than people who are my family or one or two friends I have. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend I've been feeling this existential crisis, my loneliness starts to hurt me mentally right now, and thinking about the past just makes it hurt even more. But every time I try to socialize, I'm left with words in my mouth and it's too hard for me to open up to people, it's a very strange state of mind I'm in right now, and I'm not sure what to do.

Also, since a very intense polar cold wave hit my city, I've stopped running. And that makes dealing with my thoughts more difficult. I'm not necessarily sad, but I don't feel better either. My mind is a disaster right now.
 
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I'm doing well overall. Family and friends are good. I'm usually able to tune out how stupid the rest of the world is and just laugh, but sometimes somethings just get to me.

I have a negress ff a boss who somehow is working on a doctorate degree despite being one of the dumbest, loudest cunts I've ever encountered. I usually am able to tune out her bullshit, but she was talking about COVID and how Trump's policies had killed so many people, especially in the state where we reside. I asked her how many people she believed died of COVID in our state. She thought for a moment and said she thought it was about 1.5 million people. I reminded her of the population of our state, which is less than 5 million people, and asked if she believed 1/3 of our entire state had died of COVID. She said yes, she believed it to be around that number. I informed her the actual number was less than 5,000. She said oh and resumed her ranting about Trump killing people with COVID. This wasn't just a little brain fart or something, she is this retarded about every single thing. It does no good to correct or educate her as facts change nothing. I don't want to power level too much but I'll say this dumb nigger cunt has a very big influence on where public health funds go. The incompetence that has permeated every institution at every level is just mind-boggling.


If I think too much about work and how dumb everyone is, and I say that as an idiot myself, it just makes me mad and sad at the real world.
 
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Had a nightmare where BMJ and Brittany Venti were siblings and had their sex-tape leaked. Everyone started calling it the "Incest Arc part 2" and weens were sending scratch tickets to BMJ so he could gamble in jail.

Also the police put them in the same cell, and josh was seething about the likelihood of them boning again while locked up.

:cryblood:
 
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anustart76 said:
I keep going back and forth between feeling extremely anxious and feeling like "eh whatever, everything will be fine" and I don't know how to keep the anxiety away. It's worst during work and late at night.
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What's the air like at your job? Is it a building with air conditioning and central heating, or a place where you can keep the windows open? I assume you both live and work in a city rather than in the countryside.
 
I finally got some medical stuff done. I basically broke my leg bone in a very minor way and just never did anything about it/kept walking on it. That was, uh, two years ago *sigh*, and I'm finally going to the doctor because the pain is so bad and it's turned funny colors etc. The x-rays were not good and the first doctor said "oh yeah they're going to want to keep that in a splint. Do you want me to order one now or do you want to hear it from the specialist and let them order it?" I said I'd wait to hear from the specialist.
I did not realize that I won't be able to see the specialist for a MONTH.
Now I'm all confused. It'll take me three weeks to get in to see the first doctor again, or I guess I could go to an urgent care, or I could try calling the offices or something.

It's really awkward because I take care of my family members who cannot walk, so I just haven't been able to afford to be injured. And now that it's such a waiting game, I kinda just want to throw up my hands again. I don't think I should be walking on my bad leg unsupported at all right now, but I can't afford to stop doing the stuff in my life. My family is already going all "what's wrong with you?" And I know it's not really out of kindness, it's because they're really worried I won't be able to walk the dogs, cook their meals, mow the yards, clean their houses.... And if I don't do that stuff, they'll sell the house that I want to inherit, and go to a shitty nursing home.

Literally what am I supposed to do? I already get a little bit of respite care but it's really not enough and I can't afford any more. My friends and people I know might help out in an emergency for a day or two- but we aren't talking a day or two recovery, we're probably talking like a couple months where I'm not supposed to be doing all the bullshit I do.

Thank you "how are you doing" thread because I have not told anyone in my offline life about all this, and I don't plan to.

I wanted to sleep, but my brain said:

 
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obsdj said:
I might be homeless next month
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I've secured a place to live for next month, though it's less than ideal (yet another house share, still can't manage to score my own place). My online friends expect me to be happy and excited about this development, but instead I just feel dead inside. I'm too old for this shit. Very much just going through the motions at this point.
 
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I had another day of actively thinking of quitting my job of 10 years. I feel like shit for that because this is a really good job some would dream of having and because the prospect of being NEET is not for me. I have family and parents to support, hell I have a lifestyle I like. And yet this is what I am thinking about more and more often. Feel like useless shit in those days. Also, my collegues feel that too lol.
 
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I got a call from my old job asking me back. It would've meant great pay and decent hours and a good measure of job security, but this is also the company that mentally broke me and is so horribly mismanaged that nobody wants to work there. I politely said that I wasn't interested at this time, which took some effort to avoid swearing at them. But I am torn. Even just working a few months would dramatically improve my finances - and if I can work there a full year I'd be set and can go back to school next year comfortably, but the problems in the company are completely systematic, with the problems being far outside my skillset. But I would have iron tight job security and be able to demand anything I want with the worst being that it gets denied until I raise a big enough stink about it. I am partway through getting my school bus driver's license where I get paid minimum wage for training but get $150/day with a fixed schedule with a big window for going to the gym. But the pay at my old job would be so much higher, I could pay off all my debt and work towards better housing, but working there gave me a bona fide mental breakdown and things there are probably worse now. Maybe I'll think about it today and tomorrow and aim to call back once I got my class 2 license. Maybe I could negotiate an advance to solve my immediate financial stress.

Also: I got covid. my partner's sister flew from California to visit their parents and we all had a dinner together for mother's day and now everyone is getting sick and one of them got confirmation it's Covid.
 
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...oh shit. I had COVID while taking my classes so it's likely my instructor now has COVID, and it'll spread to the students on his bus and possibly other bus drivers... If my city has a covid epidemic in the school system by the end of the month it's probably my fault.
 
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Went down on my back again. It's been awhile since the last time this shit happened but it irritates the shit out of me when it does, especially since it was considered "not service related." Fuck the VA. On the bright side, since my new job voluntold me to get my OSCP cert, I now have time to really get into the labs and do research since I'm useless at anything other than being a couch potato when my back gets like this.
 
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