How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

For any of the depressed doomers (besides myself) on here that bitch relentlessly about the fall of western civilization and the utter despair at doing anything to face the future who possess a running car:
I have no sympathy for you faggots.
I probably could have cured my depressed spiral within good time if I had my own apartment and a vehicle. People don't understand the difference it makes. A car is literally freedom to do whatever you want with your life.
So I want to make it known for the blackpilled nihilists with a home and car to come home to after a long day who still see the world as this bleak and empty place:
You're no different from an attractive white girl talking about how much lonely and fat she is on social media.
Faggot I've lived in a car, it doesn't solve everything. It doesn't unkill people, it doesn't cure diseases, it doesn't rescue your loved ones from violence. If having a car is enough to "cure your depressed spiral" maybe you're just a fucking bitch. Maybe if you weren't so self absorbed that you assume the answer to your problems is the answer to everyone's problems some of these people you write about might fucking like you.
 
Faggot I've lived in a car, it doesn't solve everything. It doesn't unkill people, it doesn't cure diseases, it doesn't rescue your loved ones from violence.
No shit it doesn't. I wasn't referring to actual trauma happening to you. When did I ever imply that? I was talking about doomers/people in general I've seen multiple times who continually blame the outside forces/current political climate for why they can't find any joy in life, lose weight ect. Maybe I should have stated it was directed at people with that mentality with the "you faggots" but I think it's pretty assumptive to think me specifically that mentality is me linking it to explicit loss and trauma.
If having a car is enough to "cure your depressed spiral" maybe you're just a fucking bitch.
I've been in situations where I've been physically and emotionally abused because I had no way of leaving my surroundings without laying in the street. If I did have a viable option at the time, I could have removed myself from shitty jobs. Not had to rely on people who tried to literally groom me and take advantage of me financially. I would have been able to get to a gym more often, gone places to socialize, gone to events, partaken in more hobbies and generally had more freedom than what was available to me. No, cars don't cure depression/save loved ones/cure cancer but basic means of transportation and a decent living space are actual objective things that make things easier for a lot of people. Maybe something I should've posted in a deep thoughts/other thread. But I actually did see a complete 180 at the amount I accomplished yesterday so I thought it was worth noting.
Maybe if you weren't so self absorbed that you assume the answer to your problems is the answer to everyone's problems some of these people you write about might fucking like you.
You know, I usually really like your posts and find you cool but that was all in really poor form. Imagine if anyone on here blamed you for your mental issues/experiences because you pissed someone off for addressing a group of people that they weren't included in.
 
I've been feeling like I have an overwhelming urge of impending doom like there's a storm in the distance and one day it'll finally hit me and take me out.

I feel that I'm constantly behind others and I'm struggling to catch up. There's a lot on my plate and I wonder if I'll be able to handle it all.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, I just need to vent.
 
This is gonna sound cheesy as fuck but...

My brain has been shit. I've been trapped in a self pity cycle... Yada Yada. Doesn't help I'm recovering from being super sick.

Then while I was town I saw little girl with cerebral palsy walking with a walker. She was absolutely killing it-- she had a HUGE smile on her face as she as she was gliding with her rigid limbs like a total champ.

That was so inspiring it actually lifted my head from the fog quite a bit. I still feel funky but I'm managing pretty well now.

She just inspired me to wanna kick ass again. Really put all my problems in perspective
 
One more powerlevel and I'll stop posting for a while:
The final scene from Perfect Days really sums it up for me.
Finding a lot of beauty in life, but most days feel really hard. Enjoying the small little life, but wanting more. Feel like a failure in life, but also doing a lot of things I always wanted to. Regretting the past, trying to enjoy the moment. Trying to find solace in my own company, but not knowing how to.
That weird feeling where things are so awful and beautiful that you're just breaking even.
 
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I'm doing ok, I wish I was working. The last few days have been chaotic so I haven't been able to get my CPAP dialed in
 
Damn I'm feeling good. Found a baby bird on the ground outside my house yesterday, a species of sparrow. Looking up into the pine trees in the area a snake was spotted moving through the branches. Open and shut case regarding how this almost-fledgling nestling came to find itself on the ground on my property. Scooped him up, got one of my empty terrariums threw some shredded paper and some paper towels down in there with a heating pad and tried to figure out how I was going to raise this little bastard. I offered it small mealworms from forceps but it would just panic and not exhibit a feeding response. I managed to get it to eat by firmly but gently holding it in my hand and shoving a small mealworm partially into its mouth and letting it do the rest by itself. Fed it a few times that way and called in a night. Woke up early this morning and gave it another mealworm using the "shove it" method. After this I noticed the bird was much more placid and didn't freak out in the same way it had yesterday. So 45 minutes later I went to feed it again and this time when I tried to feed by forceps it actually opened up and ate the food. Since then it has eaten more mealworms, some small globs of suet mashed with mortar and pestle, and small pieces of bread mixed with a little bit of water. I'm confident the little guy will make it now and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

EDIT +1 day: Little bird is still alive and taking food as if I were its parent. It's perfectly content to perch on my finger and take mealworms and seed suet mashed with a little bit of water right from my hand. Now I'm worried about imprinting.
 
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What a day.

Winter break ended today for the kid's school, so we had planned to go to this little free event at a nearby mall, this thing with sort of Chinese "Light sculptures", basically big colorful paper sculptures with leds inside, so they look all pretty. There was also supposed to be stores and a variety of Asian food carts.

First, before we leave, the kid's mom sends me a message: her dad, not technically my father in law anymore but still the kid's grandpa and someone I'm fond of, who also has some severe health issues that led to him being put in an elderly care facility recently, seemingly had a stroke and though conscious, is unresponsive. Later they found it wasn't a stroke, but pneumonia, but it's worrying that it affected him cognitively. He's sedated now while they administer antibiotics.
We agreed to proceed with my plans and not tell the kid anything until we know more.

Then when we're at the thing, my mom calls me to tell me she's feeling strange and has a weird feeling on her chest. Tells me not to worry right now but she'll tell me how it goes. Again, can't tell the kid anything so as to not worry her, but what if she's having heart issues, and right as the other thing is happening? What do I do with kid if I have to rush to mom's?
It passed, thankfully, and she realized it was probably just a small panic attack due to having been stressing out all day about some dream she had.

Then, when we're home, kid's getting ready for bed, and our dog, the blind, old greyhound I adopted some months ago, wakes up screaming like he's never, ever before, and gets up but can't use one of his legs, and the screams intensify. We checked the leg and it was all fine, no injuries of any kind.

Then, just like that, it passes and he's walking around fine. Guess he had a painful cramp as he slept and it woke him up like that.

What a day.

Oh and, this pales in importance in comparison, but the Chinese thing was a huge disappointment, there were a handful of statues, pretty on themselves I'll admit but they were placed in some parking lot so the setting so to speak looked like shit. In previous years they'd done this same event at a prettier place, some kind of park I recall, so it looked much better. And the food carts were just the most typical cliched chink food you can find at any chink restaurant. Fucking chop suey and spring rolls. As for stores, there was a heavily panda-themed one but there was nothing that we wanted to buy, in fact, everything in it was the same kind of chink shit you get at any of the millions of chink shit stores around here.

So we said fuck this and went to the mall for some burritos. Kid had some fun at least. She doesn't know anything of what's going on, except for the dog, and I hope everything turns out as well as it can be expected, but I'm worried for the grandpa.

What a fucking day.
 
Well, I took a whole week off for the 4th of July holiday, and it was fantastic. Nothing but relaxing with my little buddy. Sadly, I have to start work again tomorrow, and I really am not looking forward to it. Maybe it's because I hate this job, but it just feels like no matter how long of a vacation I take, it's never long enough.
 
Just got back on my medication after not being able to get it refilled for a bit, so my emotions are all over the place. I am currently weeping about Bendy and the Dark Revival of all things. Cant wait for my mood to even out again.
 
a battered Saturn that's falling to pieces
Is he willing to sell that shit? My grandfathers got stollen back in the 70s by one of his neighbors (he lived in a shit neighborhood)

Thinking about classic cars makes me sad because I know they will forever be out of my reach due to over pricing. I also know when in get the dollerydoos to buy them they will probably stop functioning.
 
I like how bland water is. It makes my stomach feel better. It's been a rough few days with poor athletic performance, undereating, and stomach pain. I guess I'm getting old, but I really feel best living on a strict diet. I hate that it's annoying for other people, but I have to do me to be the best version of myself for the people that count.
 
One of my first supervisors from my time in the military passed away due to a heart attack. Apparently he went to the ER complaining about the textbook signs of a heart attack and they told him he must have overexerted himself working out and sent him home, where he passed away. Guess they just hand out medical degrees these days, great work fucktards. He played a huge role in transforming me from a quiet, sheltered kid into something else entirely so it hits me pretty hard to know he's gone. He gave me a verbal beatdown once when I fucked up during my on the job training about not getting a second chance during the real deal, how people would die if I fucked it up. Sounds like that medical team needed a similar talk at some point in their life.
 
Friend of mine watched some of my favorite movies with me and gave me some gifts the past couple days.
Bought some clothes for the first time in a while. Spoiled myself with a trip out of town and bought some stuff I always wanted.
Saw an old friend recently.
Had some extra time off work.
Actually leaving town soon enough.
By all accounts I should be fine as wine.
But as soon as I get in my room, I just feel the same emptiness sweep over me.
Which is... a humble brag and the biggest non-issue. I have nothing to really complain about.
There's objective things I can point to that are hard right now. But I also am in a much better place than I was two years ago. Objectively, in a better place than any other time in my life.
But it feels like the past is working overtime to keep me in it. The lonliness is harder even though I have two amazing friends right now, decent pay, and have been away from the people who caused this for a good while. I've done the things to move forward. I actually have plans for the future. But it just doesn't hit. The come down is always stronger. In certain ways it's a good thing because I'm constantly fighting it by trying to be productive and do the things I need to do. But whenever I do said things, they don't even register as things to be happy about anymore. Just things I should have done sooner.

I think I'm going to just bite the bullet and try medicine. I'm resistant to it. I know it's effects are negligible at best and I think a lot of my stuff is situational. But I don't know what else I can do to get out of this. I don't even know if chronic depression is a thing for me, but that and a couple other methods people have told me to try that I've been negligent of mixed together are the only thing I can really do now.
So I'm going to do the woo/self love and mental work and obvious bullshit I've been resistant to and still think to some extent is dumb, if only because actively being stubborn against said advice/help is what got me here in the first place.

Really wish sometimes I had actual problems to pinpoint as why I didn't like living like I used to... instead of being the equivalent of the depressed faggot music artist with a decent life I used to make fun.
 
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