How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[spaztocate9000]

I'm optimistic today. I've been sleeper much lately, and being productive somewhat.

 

[Betonhaus]

I had a telephone interview that went well, and it led to an in person interview in a couple hours. It's for a project based work so I would be working two weeks on one week off until the project is don't then I'm off until the next project, and I think I'll enjoy that. It lets me build up some savings while still having time off to prevent burnouts. It sounds like I got the job unless I fuck something up during the interview, but it is for work that they plan to train me to use unfamiliar machinery so it should go well.

 

[Not A Bunny]

I just got a monumental burst of energy. Whenever that happens, I am in a turbo mode of DO ALL THE THINGS.

Okay, so it started with me rehabbing myself into leaving the house and not being a hermit. Now, suddenly, I need to do all of the outdoor things, all the way to "if I need groceries, I can damn well get on my bike and get them".

There are road trips, fetch quests, planning lots of shit.

The rub is: I'm seeing someone.

That's good. He's good. He's the first man I've met in a long time where I honestly felt like we treat each other as adults. Thing is, I go into turbo mode to keep myself occupied from being depressed about being single.

He doesn't mind. He wants to take part in the things I like to do. And even better is that he has his own life and supports me doing things without him.

I'm just anxious (he knows this) about how I expect him to dump me once the honeymoon period is over. In an odd twist, he has similar insecurities about me.

And yes, my therapist will be getting an earful of how I'm behaving as if I'm already needing to adopt the "fuck him, didn't need him" thing I do when I dump someone.

 

[DeutscheKatze]

apartment stuff getting a bit better day by day
ordered a lot of dehumidifier refills, seperate silica gel packets for shelves etc
digital hydrometers

Half of it here, cleaned all weekend and on my off day

vacation soon, more time for apartment
deepcleaning, washing everything 95C
Yadda yadda


kitty heart hurting badly, another thing
more important than my dumb apartment
Feels awful cuz i dunno how to fix the issues i seem to cause that person

i wish i just could hold them close
it sucks, sucks hard

feel like a really bad person
just want to give love, and be safe
for the rest of kitty life

 

[Betonhaus]

I think I got the job as the interviewer said he should be sending me an offer letter tonight or tomorrow. It would be sending me to a worksite that is in shutdown so that we can work on and repair their machines, so it's only a three week stint for work. But it pays very well and might lead to full time

 

[Berserker Armor]

Spoiler: My last post was more hopeful..

literally minding my damn business, got some good sleep and my body decides to start puking. Felt dizzy. Was about to do the dishes. I know I have been taking hit or miss care of myself lately but damn it. Heart rate in the 120s. Blood pressure high as FUCK. I took my meds it shouldn’t be like this. Had to call EMS. Nearly took the ems worker helping me onto my bed down with me. Puked again when they loaded me on the truck. Luckily they were able to get my heart to calm down. They drowned me in saline.
My depression has just been worsened. I should have asked to talk to psych I think but all I could think about was getting home to my cat. I was doing really good depression wise then I started doing bad physically again. Need to get a therapist again.
Really hope my PCP hears me out on Monday. My body is revolting. I’m in my mid 20s. I have health issues. Have my whole life… but it’s never been this bad. One thing after another. I’m in a way scared to live alone. My heart issues put me at serious risk for strokes and TIAs. My sister keeps saying she thinks I had one. Which isn’t helping. It’s pretty clear me dropping the ball hard and not taking good care of myself hydration wise caught up. She even got our mom who I don’t speak to involved (because she’s a cluster b mess who won the lottery with a genetic defect like me.)

What the fuck is my body doing? Why now? I have so many plans for my future. I was pretty sheltered + controlled due to my health issues so I missed out on a lot. This even extended to my early adult hood until I moved out. I am finally getting the chance to do the fun stuff I have always wanted to. Things are kinda super serious between me and my boyfriend. I am heading in the right direction with so much… and well here I am.

I feel like a munchie. I fail to see why they are so gungho about this type of thing. A lot of this girls are my age ya know . I’m terrified. I don’t feel the need to make a tiktok or IG story. I feel embarrassed for being this way at my young age. I hate being silent about it. I want to talk about it but man. I rather be vague. Im embarrassed by my health issues. I am going to stop posting in this thread cuz I feel so silly. I’m so embarrassed. It’s been managed well then suddenly it decides to just make it hard to manage. I don’t want this. Why would anyone? I don’t get it.

Tdlr: I feel like my life has been taken away by this and still is being taken away. Damn it. My mental health issues stem from having physical health issues. How I was brought up doesn’t help. Fucking A.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Tdlr: I feel like my life has been taken away by this and still is being taken away. Damn it. My mental health issues stem from having physical health issues. How I was brought up doesn’t help. Fucking A.

1. I'm saying the below without really comprehending the extent of your health troubles. Obviously, those are primary, so if anything I say misses a key concept, disregard (or adapt to your life, if anything is useful):

2. You have no reason to be embarrassed. You sound in distress on a few fronts, but that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Thoughts/unsolicited input:

• Breathe (and I don't mean that sarcastically; I mean real, practiced breathing, especially when your mind is in a whirl - it's worth learning to do even if it won't fix anything physically or prevent mental things).
• And stay up with your doctor(s), both phys and any pros you have on the psych side. You need that.
• Tune out (practice learning to tune out) the shit from nutty family and nutty internet or whatever (forget about munchies and weirdos; sounds like you don't need the noise). Make you your highest priority. And choose only sound, serious input.
• Don't make your bf a life raft or salvation or anything like that. Enjoy it but prioritize yourself and your health and growth.

I feel for you. Obvs do not know your age but you sound fairly young and that can be tumultuous and challenging even without any health concerns. Occasionally, pause to reflect or give yourself some credit. You will have more challenges, to be sure. But you're doing life.

Even if it scares you, even if it's very uncertain, even if it's awful at times - you're doing it.

It's okay to fret and worry when shit slams you. Over time, if you're moving away from a time when things have crushed you, you will get more resilient. Maybe it won't be perfect or easy, but you will gain more strength and tools to brave those physical and mental assaults.

Sounds like you've gone a long way toward good. Keep fighting and pushing.

 

[dick brain]

I'm going back and forth on this Detroit thing.

Basically I have the opportunity to live alone in a relative's house while they're otherwise occupied. The place I live now isn't all that much better than Detroit; heroin, fentanyl, crack, homelessness, and roving packs of legoheads committing random acts of violence as gang initiations while post-Floyd cops do nothing for fear of lunchtime rowdies literally burning the city down in retaliation. Just Rust Belt Things. So the only differences are that I'd be living alone -- away from my fucked up family, which is what it took for me to start healing the first time around -- but hundreds of miles away from my existing support network, while my mental health is volatile at best. I could easily see this going very well or very poorly.

I'm leaning towards going if only because it would enable me to record music and have critters again.

 

[AnOminous]

I'm leaning towards going if only because it would enable me to record music and have critters again.

While I don't know your specific situation, I'd say do it. I've lived in such places because I literally had to be that exact place, but left the instant it was no longer necessary. It's not good for your mental health even though if you're paranoid about your environment you can avoid being an easy target. It's just not fun to live that way.

 

[Berserker Armor]

Thoughts/unsolicited input

Thank you. I am not sure what to say back but you are 100% correct. like. So right.
I have had so many worries as of late they just keep piling and won’t lie. Pressures from nut cases and worries of being seen as a nutcase has got to me. Generally I can talk myself thru it.
I have something legitimately going on. I know I do. My family likes to fear monger my health to make me dependent on them + decline mentally. My mental health has not been helped due to this.
The thing I want to say due to never getting the chance to + it’s a weird way to force myself to put things into POV:
a lot of physically ill people have mentally degraded due to their health. It’s a big chicken or the egg situation. Especially for those since they were young. I ended up an internet NEET and pretty self destructive. Even trooned out for a while which was a dumb idea . The distress is different from what munchies play out but can be written off. They steal experiences from real people. They can not correctly feel or portray the emotions of this. Nor do they have memories. no person can come out of being like this at a young age and not be mentally ill or damaged in some way.
If I ever am actually at the doctor there is a reason to be and it is likely effecting me greatly. Not to call myself out but I put things off when a new problem rises. Me living alone currently has made me do it more.. it tends lead to some random, weird and unrelated medical event like a while later (like this time around. Getting a grip on what has been going on with my back then next thing I know I’m a hypertensive mess and puking. Due to dehydration). A few days or weeks later. I get so nervous and worried all at once that my brain says “let’s pretend this isn’t a problem” because god who knows why. Well that’s a lie. I do.

Don't make your bf a life raft or salvation or anything like that. Enjoy it but prioritize yourself and your health and growth.

Also this is something we have actively agreed on. I don’t want it ya know. Guys in the past have dated me to be this person to fulfill a complex before then it got me into hot messes. He doesn’t need to be my life raft or my savior. So boundaries have been something we have been clear cut as possible with. The fact someone like him is with the glass animal of a girl I am is weird enough to me. Literally could have anyone but picked me and has been very patient. So it’s been a hard to even grasp that concept.

After my post (and a nap) I thought about this: I luckily see my psychiatrist soon. I do think I need a new anxiety medication or a new dose. Wonder if that’s a factor of my feelings lately.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

The fact someone like him is with the glass animal of a girl I am is weird enough to me. Literally could have anyone but picked me and has been very patient. So it’s been a hard to even grasp that concept.

Don't doubt your worth. You know that, but I'm saying so anyway.

After my post (and a nap) I thought about this: I luckily see my psychiatrist soon. I do think I need a new anxiety medication or a new dose. Wonder if that’s a factor of my feelings lately.

Explore that with that person. I think of professionals (almost all of them) as partners, and as a (different kind of) professional myself, that's how I approach my interactions with people I provide [business or whatever] advice. I advise and have expertise, and in some cases have the final say-so on things, but they have info I don't, so we both count.

dehydration

Is that due to conditions you can't affect, or can standard hydration help? If the latter, please do what you can (postits on mirrors or the frig, phone reminders, + developing your willpower/ inner (healthy) parent - whatever works) to make staying hydrated a priority. No matter what is going on or dragging you down mentally or physically, try to make that something you put on the nonnegotiable, non-forgettable, non-avoidable list. And be nice to yourself when you fail, but get back on track.

Of course, I'm just a layperson with no specific medical knowledge related to any of the above. I'm just thinking you're not wrong that it has an impact on you physically, and if so I'm betting there might also be some kind of eventual negative impact on your steadiness mentally (I know it does for me, and I don't have significant medical issues to wrestle with).

 

[The Cunting Death]

I hope everyone on here finds their peace.

I probably won't but thank you for the confidence

 

[toilet_rainbow]

I’m struggling bad lately, especially mentally. Mood swings are not as intense as they were in the past month but holy shit I went to bed feeling like shit and then woke up feeling like shit. I dread going out. I feel useless because I’ve been injuring myself or burning food every time I cook or clean. Why can’t I do anything right?

I’m also at a very critical fork in the road re: a major thing in my life. The pressure is intense. I feel like I’m useless and can’t do anything right. If I can’t even pan fry a pork chop or burn myself pulling a tray out of the oven, how useful or smart am I really? I can’t even provide my wife a good meal after work now.

It’s not even 8 AM and I just want to go back to bed. A very Not Today day.

 

[Berserker Armor]

Is that due to conditions you can't affect, or can standard hydration help? If the latter, please do what you can (postits on mirrors or the frig, phone reminders, + developing your willpower/ inner (healthy) parent - whatever works) to make staying hydrated a priority. No matter what is going on or dragging you down mentally or physically, try to make that something you put on the nonnegotiable, non-forgettable, non-avoidable list. And be nice to yourself when you fail, but get back on track.

I think I have been honestly so out of it that I just like… I guess I forgot? Last time this happened I was a teenager who was also depressed and using a video games as escapism really hard core (overwatch had a grip on teenaged me). Embarrassing to admit. I used to have one of those really cringe water drinking tracking apps when I was a teenager and I am going to redownload it on top of alarms so I’m extra harassed. One of my friends suggested one of those huge water bottles people use when they do water fasts to keep myself on track. One of my health conditions causes this to happen really easily. Which I forget.. then this happens.
So I gotta crack down on myself but also be nice to myself. I really have dropped the ball but I am doing favors by being mad at myself as it just makes it worse. A lot has been going on. The health issues are the tip of the ice berg alas. I stopped taking care of myself
I’m so ready for my trip in a two weeks I gotta get it together.
There’s a game plan in case something does happen to me medically as another friend has a hit or miss health like I do. One of my friends insisted we have one in general (which she is not wrong. We will also be in the woods for a few days of the trip).
I’m just so ready lol.

There’s so much you are right about I won’t lie. Thank you for your input, friend.

I’m also at a very critical fork in the road re: a major thing in my life

i wanted say something but i suck with words. Take care of yourself and have an open dialogue with your wife! Rn you are stressed. We always go for ourselves first to beat up mentally.
Sappy and silly. I appreciate seeing you around here and I think you are an awesome person. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

My family member on hospice+bloodthinners hit himself in the face on accident with his glasses and BOOM, the biggest black eye you've ever seen just because his skin is so thin. 0 swelling, just this giant purple mark. He doesn't give a single shit but holy hell I know his family are going to lose it when they come over in the morning. He's never going to heal the bruise, he just doesn't anymore.

 

[Betonhaus]

My family member on hospice+bloodthinners hit himself in the face on accident with his glasses and BOOM, the biggest black eye you've ever seen just because his skin is so thin. 0 swelling, just this giant purple mark. He doesn't give a single shit but holy hell I know his family are going to lose it when they come over in the morning. He's never going to heal the bruise, he just doesn't anymore.

would he get a kick out of a phantom of the opera mask?

 

[toilet_rainbow]

i wanted say something but i suck with words. Take care of yourself and have an open dialogue with your wife! Rn you are stressed. We always go for ourselves first to beat up mentally.
Sappy and silly. I appreciate seeing you around here and I think you are an awesome person. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out.

Thank you. I wanted to do the same with you but was struggling to find words myself. Funny how that works. I know I have some routines I have to do or a wrench will be thrown into the gears. One of those things that you have to force yourself to start doing again to feel unfucked again.

I’m currently very flighty at the moment. Definitely getting back home the second I do. Luckily I was just planning to air fry something for dinner and there’s other stuff my wife/we can eat even if I end up just vegging out most of the rest of the day. She’s also having similar issues all week but is willing to help me do some chores if I just can’t do then today. She also told me the other day that shit just happens sometimes. I appreciate it.

And same

 

[Sergeant Major Buzzkill]

Not looking forward to spending time with a person in my family I agreed to meet up with today… He fuckin stresses me out, man, at the worst of times.

 

[sheepworldvizor]

Not looking forward to spending time with a person in my family I agreed to meet up with today… He fuckin stresses me out, man, at the worst of times.

Why do you feel you have to?

 

[Sergeant Major Buzzkill]

Why do you feel you have to?

Spoiler: PL

Well, he’s my biological father. Not been much of one, both by choice and external circumstances. He tries to reach out whenever he wants these days and I recognize the effort… but it really seems like when he communicates, it’s on his own terms. Told a friend it feels like my real one died like a year ago, who was actually my grandpa who adopted me.

Got real complicated feelings about the guy. I want to better our communication (I try, I attempt to be honest when I do happen to speak with him and that type of convo calls for it) but nowadays I’m very tired… a lot of back and forth between us when we breach this topic. I think this is just my nerves talking, but I don’t know.