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feeling awful

i want to apologize, but i know its no fix or holds almost no meaning (not true, but what i think)

i keep stumbling and making mistakes, over and over

it keeps happening, the most stupid thoughts and the most stupid timings

like something does not want me to have this, and it hurts

it hurts that i hurt them
i dont want to let them go, but if all i do is fucking it up, i am just awful from keeping them getting happy?

its all a lot and often i feel overwhelmed, with this mess that is myself i need to sort

maybe it all would be easier with some physical accountability
i hate all these texts, i rather hug and look into someones eyes
talk face to face
its so easy for things to go wrong with just text

maybe im just too stupid and low iq to understand anything
to do it all on my own as i should do, as expected of me


why cant i just be happy naturally? why do i have to do all of this beforehand to just get started?
its all so exhausting

it hurts
but maybe it would have been better for them to never met me

but yet it feels so wrong for this to go wrong
like its my last chance for a normal life

i wont meet a person like that again
that is willing to try it with me

if i fuck this up
everything after that will be just play pretend
i guess till i cant take it anymore
Look, I know how those advices usually sound, but try to watch Tim Fletcher. His videos on CPTSD are great and even if you don't have one, they should help you to better understand yourself. Hope that helps.


I just don't know what to do. I haven't felt peace in over ten years
Do it. At least I feel that's right. I had a misfortune of stumbling onto sick fucks on the web and trying to bring them to justice without success. But at least I tried.
 
I'm fixated on revenge to the point that it physically hurts. My stomach churns every night from the plans assailing my head. What are you supposed to do when you were dealt so unjustly? Why does our society protect abusers of the worst order?

I'd love to create a thread dedicated to naming and shaming local predators who've been allowed to flourish among us in real life, but I fear that'd be treading into personal army territory and I'd be summarily mocked for it, as well as potentially get the website in trouble. It's not a particularly funny idea, but not a lot of the cow threads are funny anymore, they're just dark and depraved — not that it's a bad thing, it's just the nature of the online world right now and the people on it.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't felt peace in over ten years.

Scratch that, I do know of one funny local kid-diddler who actually got arrested. My husband had the misfortune of working with him, and he was an absolute babied-by-his-mama retard. He was quoted as saying to the police, "I thought she was 18, but I knew she was younger than that." These types of people should have their names emblazoned in the sky.

After the arrest, his mother ran into the victim's mother at a store and they got into a fist fight or something. Lol.
I'm very sorry to read that. I wish I had something else to say, but I hope my reply will sufice, knowing that someone here did read it.

These feel like trying times, where... I don't know, the world in in control of the evil one? and that some day things will turn around. Somedays I just wonder when will that be. It's a test of faith.
 
I love jobs where everyone has to wear uniform and even more I love that everyone's electronics have to stay locked up or in your car your entire shift. It's easy to bitch about "muh personal expression" and "my phone is my pacificer how shall I ever cope without it" but wearing uniforms really does smooth out the ugly clashes in personality and culture.

A LOT of the work place antics I've dealt with in the past came from dumbasses in ripped jeans with stupid haircuts that don't want to crease their shoes and are randomly facetiming some bitch for hours. That is to say, there are ZERO black people willing to work here LOL. And I don't really know if the women covering up and having to dress the same helps prevent much sexual harassment from men, because that type of stuff is always more about power- but it certainly prevents the women from becoming bitches towards one another, it keeps them all on the same team and they all literally braid each other's hair in the morning. The sense of community is off the chart and we literally open the day with PRAYER. I can't say no one feels like an outcast, but I can say that I often feel like an outcast in the workplace, but I don't at this job.

My family really doesn't like my line of work because they say it's a "waste" of my potential and they want me to get a PHD in Gay Basketweaving like the rest of them, but I've learned I just don't feel good at the end of the day if I'm not so sweaty and dirty that I need to shower. The older I get the more I have an actual biological need to do "real work" and I seriously don't think my matriarchal family believes that's a real thing.

If there's any listless young 20-something males reading, I highly recommend "shitty" jobs that will get you off your ass, especially if you're an INTP or INTJ type of personality or feel like a "true philosopher in the wrong era/revolutionary without a cause."
 
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So for years now I've been trying to figure out why my body temperature is just so insanely hot - all the fucking time. Like my skin is burning, and I'm giving off visible heat aura.

I've settled on the fact that 99% of it is due to the side effects of hyperhidrosis - axillary in my case (excess sweating of the underarms.) Not a bad example of it, and one I've had under control for almost 15 years by way of aluminium chloride deodorants used once weekly. Still, that does nothing to combat the heat.

I can't wear a sweater except in the thick of winter, otherwise I will be like am exploding star, feeling like I'm choking from being too warm. I can no longer wear gloves, scarves, or multiple layers - even in winter. I'm just too fucking warm.

This obviously got slightly worse when I gained weight (good weight, I'm jacked as fuck, not fat,) though I refuse to change my entire lifestyle because of this faggot condition.

I figure once I hit 40 I'll slim down and go back to cycling - at least then it was tolerable, and I could live more like a 'normal' person.

At least I don't have plantar/cranio-facial hyperhidrosis. That shit would make me suck start a shotgun.
Sounds like some kind of a pathologic uncoupling/leakage in the electron transport chain to be generating this much heat. Also, I'd stop using the aluminium-based deodorant. I know being sweaty sucks, but the aluminium gets absorbed through the skin and does the same thing to your blood as it does to your sweat glands.
 
I seem to have greatly overestimated both my ability to understand the average person and the ease with which I thought I would be able to adapt to this change.
 
I'm booked in for surgery the tail end of next week, at the moment I am using a wheel chair to get around or I'd be confined to a bed - I had a MRI the other day at the found other cysts in my back that are likely to go in the next few years so I am having 2 repair jobs and 6 removals (that are easy) done on my back all at once.

Apparently my spinal health is great when it comes to posture and muscular structure I have 0 bend, I just have fibrous cysts close to my spinal disks but the one thats gone an any likely to go have been found an are going to be removed but FUCK ME, towards the end of his life my dad had osteoporosis and he used this chair to get around even learned a trick or two - how he hat the pain tolerance to do that shocks me no fucking end, man was made of better material than me. Also if I ever end up in one of these things I am going to work redesigning them - or suck start a shotgun.
 
Sounds like some kind of a pathologic uncoupling/leakage in the electron transport chain to be generating this much heat. Also, I'd stop using the aluminium-based deodorant. I know being sweaty sucks, but the aluminium gets absorbed through the skin and does the same thing to your blood as it does to your sweat glands.
I've thought about it many times, but I can't emphasis it bad was. Even when I was slim and in shape when younger, I'd have swimming pools under my arms after an hour or two. Devastating to one's self esteem.

I figure even if I get cancer or something down the line, the 'normality' I lived for a decade plus would have been worth it.
 
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Been feeling kinda depressed recently, everyone I know seems to be going through loss and grief. One of the close friends of my older brother died in a motorcycle accident in Pennsylvania a couple of weeks ago and a female friend of mine lost her husband in a car accident in Missouri (fucking Uber and Lift drivers). They were only married for less than a year. I want to find a way to make both feel happy again but I don't know how.

I'm also running dangerously low on cash. Fuck this economy.
 
Update: still sick, struggling to keep water down. I've slept most of the day. This is lame. Kill me and put me out of my misery.
That shit's the worst. Hopefully once you get through the worst of it, you'll be able to keep food and water without up-chucking. Keep taking it easy.
 
been a while since i last wrote on here. Doing much better in the long run but have been hit with setbacks this month that in all honesty i knew would happen just wasn't sure when. I just recently lost one of my emotional support animals, this was especially hard because i was forced to give them up 2 weeks before christmas. I found them a foster care that would take care of them for me while i find a new place but sadly due to age one has passed away. i also decided to let the other one live out the rest of her days with the foster who takes in senior animals already. she will love her just as much as i did and so much more. RIP my sweet willow girl </3.

On a positive side, i had decided to look for a roommate and one of my friends (who was an ex but i was like 21 so it was a fling at most) was facing homelessness so i talked to my caregiver about having him in as one. we tried out 2 weeks in July and as of 2 weekends ago he signed an agreement. its nice to have another physical body in the place and also we get along and have the same mental health diagnosis and can discuss things after having a spat that we call "episodes". i didn't know how it would go having 2 people with borderline personality disorder would go in one place but hey it works. He also helped me quit smoking by giving me one of his vape pens and a bottle of ejuice to start. haven't bought a pack since may.
 
Planning on buying a home in the next year or two, so I've been looking into opening an LLC. Figuring I may as well use that as a means to make side money since I need to file taxes anyway I've been kicking around the idea of getting my Home Inspector license. At first I was being lazy and looking into other easy side jobs but I mentioned the idea in passing to someone and now they're pushing me to do it because they're a Real Estate Broker and they want a consistent inspector cause most of the companies in this area are shit.

I now have a clear path to immediately start making side money and I'm going to reach out to other Real Estate Agents and Brokers I know. I now also need to look into how to file my business taxes since I'll actually have income and want to keep my money.

I am unable to connect with people on any level and while this should sadden me I feel practically nothing. I believe I shall live alone and die alone without ever connecting with another person in any real capacity.

Been single for the last two months and I honestly feel no motivation to get into another relationship. It's dawning on me just how many accommodations and compromises I made to suit her wants and needs. It may seem like not a big deal but I got a sandwich for myself and didn't have to factor her picky eating into the order. Looking at houses I don't need to consider her little hang ups and can focus on what I want like a garage or making sure there's good internet. I do feel lonely sometimes but goddamn it feels good being able to do what I want without asking permission.
 
On the social front this is my current state:
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But in all actuality I am decent
Not great not terrible.
Workwise I am doing great , may go back to traveling for work soon, weight is slowly decreasing my reps and weights at the gym are improving.
I did have a weird conversation with a colleague the other day he alluded to me being angry and filled with remorse.
I know what he is referring to : I ratted a friend of his and colleague of mine to HR and the boss for harassing another field technician with specific threats and for being inappropriate to the women in our backoffice.
That man is scum and I feel no regrets about what I did and what will happen to him.
I do feel pity for that manlet who tried to armchair psychanalize me over what probably have been half truths he has been told.
I hate boomers.
Also I may become a homeowner by the end of 2025 if not earlier.
 
Sad to talk to my mother, trying to get her to understand how are things going to be real soon if things don't change. But otherwise well, if not tired.

She doesn't understand why I ranted to her about a sticker I saw on the street which pretty much said "No Racist Lives Matter". One could say - "Oh if you are against this, you are a RACIST!". Yet I couldn't even explain to her the nefarious premise: They use of something good, or at least an idea of racial discrimination being negative to open a can of worms. In these peoples' twisted mind, anything or anyone is a Racist/Nazi/Homophobe/Transphobe/You name it. And this is a "gateway" shall we say, to give a green light the killing of anyone who these demented people perceive as being such. We already watched these movies play out during the 20th century, only it wasn't with social issues (necessarily), but rather with class struggle (and in some places, ethnic conflicts). Thanks to anarcho-tyranny, these people don't get the bullet in the head they deserve.

Yet my mother believes the "spiritual" is much more important than the "fleshly matters" and things could be resolved if people just talked. I will agree - If people sat down and talked, and had a space, this wouldn't be happening. Yet this is the problem, no one is allowed to talk and we are living in an anarcho-tyranny. In the country were I live, they are considering on giving laws to "empower" women and making a huge, serious offense the crime of murder of women. Well, murder/slaying is a crime already, but why is "feminicide" a thing? Why is the interest of making it a crime to the point of putting people 12 up to 20 or even 40 years in jail? Or worse, during matrimonies, they are making laws that the woman will be the one to own things or perhaps have the "right" to own half or even a great amount of what the man has. This will drive men to start killing women before killing themselves. It's a can of rotten worms being open, and my mother just won't see, and instead thinks it's good.

The West is due to spilling of blood of traitors already. Both old and (sadly) of the young as well. It's a shame our parents don't see the powder keg we lay in.
 
I'm recovering from a pretty intense infection and the side effects given by the nuclear grade antibiotics I was on. Monday I have an MRI to determine if I have a type of brain tumor called a prolactinoma. It's most likely not malignant, but I may need to be on another god damn medication or consider surgery to remove it. Seriously hoping it's a nothing burger simply because I'm exhausted by all my medical bullshit as of late. I just want to be healthy and able to enjoy my life again. It's been nearly a year of testing, hospitals and medications paired with feeling horrible. I'm fucking over it. I'm tired. Let's get this shit over with pretty please.

Oh and I was diagnosed with ADHD recently which I found hysterically funny. Came out of the blue and the doctor is practically throwing legal meth at me. Not a good idea with the blood pressure issues I've been having lately, genius.

I've been trying to laugh about it all... but today I don't feel much like laughing.
Good luck and hopefully you get healthy.
What flavour of ADHD do you have? If I was sober right now I would say "welcome and hope you get better" but having ADHD is nothing to celebrate, it's just another answer to the question "Why is my brain so fucked up"? Sorry about your blood pressure issues, I'm going through the same shit since I found Concerta decreasingly effective (increases mental stamina but little else, then my tolerance built up) and can't try out Vyvanse until I fix my blood pressure, and since my Concerta isn't very effective anymore (TOLERANCE BUILDUP YAY) excerting actual mental effort is really difficult unless I pull yet another fucking all-nighter to research blood pressure-friendly meals or whatever. I hate being a useless manchild and finding nothing interesting. Sorry for my drunk and frustrated rant and I hope your ADHD issues get better with your meds. :(
 
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