How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Nick Obre said:
I'm not looking for attention or sympathy or anything, but I feel I need to put this down somewhere as a way to publicly acknowledge it for myself, even if no one really pays attention.

I've had some vague suicidal thoughts for years, more so after life got worse and I moved to a 7th floor apartment with a balcony I could jump off of, but I've always said I'm not gonna do it, because I don't wanna hurt my kid.
After some conflict in the last couple days, I've been pretty down and last night I couldn't sleep, and at some point I had the strong urge to do it.

A little over a week ago, I took a wrong step crossing the street and sprained my ankle something nasty. Swelling is down now but it still hurts.

So last night I get that urge, and I try to quickly get out of the bed, and in doing so, I put force onto the bad foot and it hurt like a motherfucker, maybe more than when the accident happened. That impeded me from impulsively getting up and going to the balcony.
Who knows if I'd actually done it otherwise. I'd probably calmed down before I even reached the balcony.
But I felt the urge, and it was strong and very real.

If any of you my lads are getting those feelings, those kind of impulses, get yourself some help.

Or perform a preventative ankle sprain, I don't know.
Click to expand...
Well, I'm glad that ankle of yours stopped you from doing something permanent. Keep fighting those urges not only for your kid but also for yourself.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Nick Obre
Nick Obre said:
I'm not looking for attention or sympathy or anything, but I feel I need to put this down somewhere as a way to publicly acknowledge it for myself, even if no one really pays attention.

I've had some vague suicidal thoughts for years, more so after life got worse and I moved to a 7th floor apartment with a balcony I could jump off of, but I've always said I'm not gonna do it, because I don't wanna hurt my kid.
After some conflict in the last couple days, I've been pretty down and last night I couldn't sleep, and at some point I had the strong urge to do it.

A little over a week ago, I took a wrong step crossing the street and sprained my ankle something nasty. Swelling is down now but it still hurts.

So last night I get that urge, and I try to quickly get out of the bed, and in doing so, I put force onto the bad foot and it hurt like a motherfucker, maybe more than when the accident happened. That impeded me from impulsively getting up and going to the balcony.
Who knows if I'd actually done it otherwise. I'd probably calmed down before I even reached the balcony.
But I felt the urge, and it was strong and very real.

If any of you my lads are getting those feelings, those kind of impulses, get yourself some help.

Or perform a preventative ankle sprain, I don't know.
Click to expand...
I can relate to both.

Ankle wraps and ice for the sprained ankle, ice for forearms via anxiety.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Nick Obre and murph
it’s really demoralizing to think about how useless i am to my job. they don’t care the amount of physical pain it causes to constantly lift things that are too heavy and to expect me to meet this long list of demands they make. expecting it to be done in under 8 hours cause paying overtime is somehow too expensive for them. and if anyone with some extra time volunteers to help out? for whatever reason they’re told not to. they don’t care about any long term physical damage, the stress of having tons of tasks piled on, or actually hiring more people instead of pushing everything on to one person.

a big company doesn’t have to stick to a strict budget like that, especially when they’re always talking about how good sales have been. there’s never any real appreciation for employees that make those sales possible. it’s even worse to think how my boss can go on countless expensive vacations every year while my coworkers get refused their vacation days after they’ve already been approved months prior.

sorry i didn’t get your whole fucking list done cause of the fucked up schedule that hs me running back and forth doing other peoples jobs for them. maybe fucking hire some more people, there’s no shortage of applicants but this company just wants to be greedy. then they get surprised at how high their turnover rate is and never take a second to think about how their employees feel. there have only been about 2-4 times in the past year i’ve gotten an extra day off during the week. that would average to 0 times considering all the times i’ve worked extra days in the week. i know people at my work who have a good ethic and dedication to their job and they’re gettting sick of it too now.
 
  • Feels
  • Like
Reactions: Judas Connor Moon, Overcast, Xenomorph and 1 other person
verifymejoshuaconnormoon said:
it’s really demoralizing to think about how useless i am to my job. they don’t care the amount of physical pain it causes to constantly lift things that are too heavy and to expect me to meet this long list of demands they make. expecting it to be done in under 8 hours cause paying overtime is somehow too expensive for them. and if anyone with some extra time volunteers to help out? for whatever reason they’re told not to. they don’t care about any long term physical damage, the stress of having tons of tasks piled on, or actually hiring more people instead of pushing everything on to one person.

a big company doesn’t have to stick to a strict budget like that, especially when they’re always talking about how good sales have been. there’s never any real appreciation for employees that make those sales possible. it’s even worse to think how my boss can go on countless expensive vacations every year while my coworkers get refused their vacation days after they’ve already been approved months prior.

sorry i didn’t get your whole fucking list done cause of the fucked up schedule that hs me running back and forth doing other peoples jobs for them. maybe fucking hire some more people, there’s no shortage of applicants but this company just wants to be greedy. then they get surprised at how high their turnover rate is and never take a second to think about how their employees feel. there have only been about 2-4 times in the past year i’ve gotten an extra day off during the week. that would average to 0 times considering all the times i’ve worked extra days in the week. i know people at my work who have a good ethic and dedication to their job and they’re gettting sick of it too now.
Click to expand...
That sounds like OSHA violations up the ass.
 
Xenomorph said:
That sounds like OSHA violations up the ass.
Click to expand...
yep lots of examples of those. if it wasn’t powerleveling i would list them off in this thread, i don’t understand how people can just go along with all of it
 
Nick Obre said:
I'm not looking for attention or sympathy or anything, but I feel I need to put this down somewhere as a way to publicly acknowledge it for myself, even if no one really pays attention.

I've had some vague suicidal thoughts for years, more so after life got worse and I moved to a 7th floor apartment with a balcony I could jump off of, but I've always said I'm not gonna do it, because I don't wanna hurt my kid.
After some conflict in the last couple days, I've been pretty down and last night I couldn't sleep, and at some point I had the strong urge to do it.

A little over a week ago, I took a wrong step crossing the street and sprained my ankle something nasty. Swelling is down now but it still hurts.

So last night I get that urge, and I try to quickly get out of the bed, and in doing so, I put force onto the bad foot and it hurt like a motherfucker, maybe more than when the accident happened. That impeded me from impulsively getting up and going to the balcony.
Who knows if I'd actually done it otherwise. I'd probably calmed down before I even reached the balcony.
But I felt the urge, and it was strong and very real.

If any of you my lads are getting those feelings, those kind of impulses, get yourself some help.

Or perform a preventative ankle sprain, I don't know.
Click to expand...
Hey man. That's a sign from God that He loves you and He doesn't want you to game end yourself. Life can be rough but remember, suicide is for pussies. Get better man.
 
  • Feels
  • Thunk-Provoking
  • Agree
Reactions: Bass, Judas Connor Moon and Jimmy Olsen
tummy decided to wake me up by being absolutely horrible for no reason.
i can only deduce that it's either stress/anxiety (i'm fostering kittens for the first time and have been nervous to make sure everything goes well) or the bubble tea i drank (whole family is very sensitive to even barely-expired food)
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Judas Connor Moon, Mesh Gear Fox and Lunete
Xenomorph said:
Took off work today (work from home) but doctor at the ER wants me to rest got A Fib and now have a halter monitor to wear for a few days to see if I need a pacemaker! I am too young for this shit but auto immune diseases fuck your shit up systemically so.. (:_(
Click to expand...
My mom just got done with the 30 day cardiac monitor, the type that uses a special cell phone and a patch. Every time she'd pull the battery out to swap it, I'd start chanting "Kali-ma! Kali-ma! Shakthi-Deh!"
 
  • DRINK!
Reactions: Xenomorph
Been dealing with money issues such as my car insurance going up, so I had to dip into my savings which always frustrates me as I'm trying to save as much as I can for when I start a family.

Still, it hasn't been all bad. Yesterday, I overcame my anxiety over driving for a bit and was able to drive down the highway to go to Church. The service talked about family matters and how important it was for a married couple to dedicate themselves to each other. According to it, your relationship to your spouse is equal to that of your relationship with God. Which pleasantly surprised me. Also saw a young looking white couple sitting near me who are pregnant with what I assume is their first child. The whole experience was uplifting and gave me hope for the world and its future.

Ever since I started being a Christian, I've really started to accept myself as well as what has happened with me throughout my life. Everything happens for a reason, so there's no reason to put myself down over my shortcomings or the past mistakes I've made, as they are all things that are helping me become a better man. I still have a long way to go, but I can't help but feel better about myself than I have in decades.

In a world that seems to be spiraling further and further into madness and decadence, I want to do everything I can to help preserve this way of life.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Yamamura and Lunete
JustSomeDong said:
My mom just got done with the 30 day cardiac monitor, the type that uses a special cell phone and a patch. Every time she'd pull the battery out to swap it, I'd start chanting "Kali-ma! Kali-ma! Shakthi-Deh!"
Click to expand...
Mine spawns cenobites who tell me "you opened it, we came"
 
  • Winner
Reactions: Mesh Gear Fox
I keep procrastinating on life related topics. I have a desire to leave the city I'm in and go and integrate into a smaller maybe even rural community, or go live in an isolated area. I can't though because first off I have no idea of a specific location. I also don't know what type of job I would get there, I don't particularly enjoy my current job and wouldn't want to just get another version of it in a different area (nor do I have any other skills). And I can't really leave my job right now because I'm way too integral to it (it would make me feel bad for leaving) and it would cause high family strain if I did end up going.

Not only that, but I want to get into a better self care routine, but I am putting it off because I wanted to wait until I move. I can't really find the drive to do it now because my schedule and lifestyle aren't consistent enough nor do I have enough control over my life where I am now. I got a recommendation from someone that New Hampshire is nice, but its the other side of the country. I'd like to hear how it is over there if anyone happens to know.

Oh, and I was kind of peer pressured by my family to get a Tesla model 3, and while I think its alright I want to sell it and get a truck. But I'm not sure if that comes before or after moving. It just feels like there's so many things that need to happen and they depend on being in a certain order, but none of them can really happen "first."
 
Last edited:
  • Feels
Reactions: Reluctant MC
I'm not really sure how I'm doing. It's like there's a block that only goes away for a moment if I get angry and then I'm back to nothing. Probably some suppressed shit. I feel like walking or lying down. I also want to shitpost more than usual. I used to give mostly serious and genuine responses but lately... all I want to do is say contradicting crap so that I get a sense of feeling different, wild. It's like the wind isn't blowing.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Local Fed, Wraith, Judas Connor Moon and 3 others
i’m getting more sick of my works management by the day. anything i have to say just falls on deaf ears whether it be my personal workload or the labor laws the company isn’t abiding by. the only way to actually change anything is for a bunch of us to quit en masse or for someone to sue, neither of which will happen.

it sucks, i like my job but what my boss said today to me was very telling and just a direct confirmation that the company doesn’t have any regard for employees well being. any concern for employees is performative because when it comes down to it the company only cares about how much money you can make for them
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Reluctant MC, Wraith, Judas Connor Moon and 1 other person
It's the constitution day in my country tomorrow, and I dread it. I have no one to be with. Honestly just want to cry and borrow myself in self pity, but nothing gets better from that. Hopefully, I sleep in for most of the day tomorrow (the 17th).
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Reluctant MC, Wraith, Lunete and 1 other person
I'm on vacation from work and have done nothing but eat plain Cheerios for every meal and play Gas Station Simulator. Haven't felt this level of derealization in years.

Vingle said:
It's the constitution day in my country tomorrow, and I dread it. I have no one to be with. Honestly just want to cry and borrow myself in self pity, but nothing gets better from that. Hopefully, I sleep in for most of the day tomorrow (the 17th).
Click to expand...
What's constitution day? Is it like a 4th of July? I know I could Google it, but I'm on mobile and too lazy for that. Treat yourself well tomorrow, and don't be afraid to initiate contact with people in your life, friends or not.
 
  • Like
  • Feels
Reactions: Yamamura, Judas Connor Moon and Neurotypical Mantis
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back