The immediate people in my life that I have to deal with (work, house, life) have been neutrally kind enough lately my massive anxiety has subsided a bit.
Lately I've been thinking about my health. I had a lot of medical trauma when I was younger and I haven't formally seen a doctor for any period of time longer than an immediate emergency in over fifteen years. I have issues I struggle with but any time I go to a doctor, it's always in some garbage area with barely graduated doctors that get by with the bare minimum. I don't even know how to find a good doctor or what to look for.
I think I have issues with my joints - it does run in the family. I've been taking birth control to avoid dealing with whatever has been happening with my ovaries (last emergency I was told there was an issue but I never followed up...). Last year I developed a weird bump on my back that I kind of hoped was a pimple but I now hope it's a deep cyst (I am a cyst-y person) because it's.. still there? It hasn't changed or grown or had any pain, but it's definitely a "lump". Maybe the size of a penny. Am I dieing, farmers?
To be fair, I'd kind of be okay with it. I haven't wanted to be alive for a very long time but I cannot bring myself to actually end it. Instead I choose the longest most annoying most unnecessary methods.
