I'm posting precisely because I got - loath as I am to use the word - a trigger and before bedtime, I'm reminding myself things have finally been looking up for me pretty definitively.
There is the new job, of course. It starts tomorrow. I will throw myself into it hard for the next couple months to keep my head busy if nothing else. No reason to deny it hasn't been the single greatest boost to my self-esteem in a while. I do need this job. I need to re-learn the skills and get back in the saddle fast. In a way, I relish the challenge. I'm surprised at myself admitting that, but it is true. I'll be good at it. I intend to be.
Though I don't talk on family issues almost ever here compared to my ex girl-/best friend woes, I
did definitively intimidate and force my violent, mother-beating father and brother to stand down for good a recent weekend when they tried to begin acting up against ME - when they tried to act tough, I simply stood up, straight, relaxed, and asked
"or what?" and saw
both of them flinch back. As I left the house for the weekend so conflict would be avoided I simply yelled out if they were that mad they could take on mom and they went dead silent - their evil acts finally called out openly (and my mother is fine, especially BECAUSE it's out in the open now they will suffer if they do anything). They're cowards. Ready to hurt a helpless old lady but intimidated by a real man, one who isn't just ready to fight back, but could definitively beat their asses, with nearly four decades' worth of righteous anger at them. Mom is finally safe because they know I'm watching over her, openly. And dad is being divorced and his obvious realization he's finally suffering consequences in the twilight of his life through that and his older son despises him while being stronger than him physically, mentally, and morally is going to eat at him.
I still help with the shelter, of course, and I visit home for my beloved cat and the beloved family cat and dogs. I've seen all the cats at the shelter I originally started with go to good homes. My own cat is always overjoyed to see me. I'd like to get a good place for us both to be in and for her to wander around freely without fretting on the dogs nipping at her (she was always a jerk to them, she deserves it, but there's too many now to not be swarmed by than just run from) and be with me daily again. I ponder it since she does love the home and rest of my family but she is mine most of all, and we all know it.
I admit a crush on a longtime aquaintence become good friend. Unlike last time when that happened, I'd like to keep focusing on myself and not obsess on love and become clingy. I have actually spoken on my ex issues with her, and that opened her up BIG TIME to my shock - truly opened up on her own love woes and we've become somewhat tight. But I don't want a repeat of my ex for now or even the mere worry/possibility of it, and I know the crush understands that while still getting over her own unfortunate heartbreak. But what I did admit to her, and I will here? It's nice, after so long of being ignored only to be tossed like garbage.... to have a lady respond positively to you, have fun, be flirty, all that. To have someone turn you red and make your heart beat. It gives me a push to be best as I can be, you know? Still for myself most of all, to master my own emotions and control them for good, but I do love the ladies, I truly do, and there's nothing better than one enjoying your company beyond friendship however lighthearted it would be.
Fitness still going well. Indeed, someone else I met recently also shuffled onto my social media elsewhere and was in genuine awe that I was "aging like a god" in her words and refused to believe I wasn't in my late 30s all over again, so I will take that compliment. And a trip to the VA to take my vitals shows all of them excellent, as good as they've ever been. Perhaps Oro will be my future indeed in fitness and strength. I cannot complain on it.
So the trigger. I came across that ex-girl/best friend elsewhere with obvious talkback to a third party that she was sad, probably suffering from stress or something. I actually think I got triggered primarily by the reminder of her existence after doing well cutting her out directly and now need to figure out how to avoid third-parties/mutual friends dealing with her getting into my feeds by accident,
for good. I'm not above admitting a bit of needed vindication - I actually think I need to, so I can work on bettering my attitudes and I don't WANT to be a vindictive punk - but it led to me re-assessing how life's been going the last month, and that I have had it gradually but most definitively improve. My main goal is to become very good at the job to settle into a sense of job security, and then to focus on real-world socializing. I know my mom and relatives love me, I know trying to move past my ex and bitching on life but also talking on fun stuff again led to friends responding far more positively, I finally got to see the male thugs of my family genuinely realize no more violence, and I truly feel peaceful with my pets and when I get to exercise. I wasn't expecting to focus on myself and simply to "live well" to give such dividends already, but...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rie_1u6Ple8 Ryu's got my back for a good theme for my mood. Good night, all. I feel relaxed again after typing this out.
