How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Betonhaus]

I got a second job interview lined up today, so after my machinist interview I'll be doing a general labourer interview

 

[Phalanges Mycologist]

Well I am fucking massively incredibly fucking angry right now, like legitimately I want to beat the shit out of someone.

The house I grew up in has a lovely garden, like legitimately beautiful - last year we as a family couldn't do much in the way of maintenance because my dad's illness and eventual death was taking priority so its summer and it's not looking it's best still nice but needed some work.

Well my mum being mum didn't want to disturb me or my sister so decided to get someone in to do the big work like trimming a tree, so she call's a guy up my mum an dad used a few years back for another job apparently he shows up looks it over say £150 and they settle on today as the day he shows up, so this utter cunt shows up a hour late an starts doing "The Job" and my mum can see something's not right asks him to stop an gives him a envelope with the money in just to get rid of him.

She goes back inside he counts the money an starts banging on the door saying I know I said 150 but for what I've done I want 500 starts getting really intimidating, thankfully my folks doors are the lock behind you style so she says through the window "Nope thats what we agreed and you did a bad job" dude goes fucking mental and start punching the window infront of my mum an shouting all kinds of shit threatening to take a saw to every tree in the garden before he goes, tries to smash any plantpot in the garden he can same with windows etc and one of my mum's neighbours heard the commotion came around and made him leave with the help of a few others.

I get a phone call shortly after this, and I drove down as fast as I fucking could - my Mum's shaken up angry an upset but I've never seen her look so small like legitimately frail, My mum's never looked like that before ever in my whole life and she's not someone who backs down this wankstain has really upset her.

I am going to spend the next few days here incase he comes back, I've filed a police report and I will tidy up the mess he left in the garden (he didn't live up to his promise of taking a saw to anything as it's still sitting in the garden) just smashed a lot of planters and tipped over stuff, if he's stupid enough to come back I am going to show him exactly why you don't mess with old people especially my fucking Mum, it's only my Mum, my Mrs an my Sister who have talked me out of finding where he lives an paying him a visit but if he shows back up all bets are off.

 

[3deadniggers]

I am going to spend the next few days here incase he comes back, I've filed a police report and I will tidy up the mess he left in the garden (he didn't live up to his promise of taking a saw to anything as it's still sitting in the garden) just smashed a lot of planters and tipped over stuff, if he's stupid enough to come back I am going to show him exactly why you don't mess with old people especially my fucking Mum, it's only my Mum, my Mrs an my Sister who have talked me out of finding where he lives an paying him a visit but if he shows back up all bets are off.

Don't clean up until you have evidence of all the damage. Video or photos

 

[Dumcumpster]

Well I posted a while ago now that I wasn't feeling great but good news is I fell bad in a different way. For a while after my post things got a little better. I was able to re-home my aggressive dog(which when we first rescued her she was very sweet and energetic) after she attacked our other dog and broke her tail, we moved to a place that's much better, I was making a little more money, and I was on new meds. Sounds great, and it was. But eventually my medicine stopped working and became extremely depressed again, bills are more frequent and costly, and I had to buy a new car when I was nowhere near ready. The place my wife and I live is great but it's also expensive cause we rent a house and we needed somewhere thatll let us keep our dog, my brother in law has lived with us for more than a year now and hasn't contributed anything because he's got no license, no car, and no longer wants to go into the military. We recently sent him off to work with his shitty dad but he still didn't bring home any money(it's complicated he didn't just spend it on whatever). He still has no job and just stinks up his room and sleeps and games all day. We have way more bills then we can afford because we got caught in the trap of borrowing money from various apps. Whenever we think we can catch up some other emergency or problem comes up to make things worse again.

I love my job but my hours are long during the week. I wake up at 5 every morning and don't get home till after 6 everyday. I've got new meds also, and even a therapist! But all this money stress and shit is starting to get to me. I have bad mood swings where I go from wanting to break down in tears if I let go for even a second, to unreasonable anger and frustration. My wife has been dealing with her own physical and mental issues and it bleeds me dry of what little emotional energy I have left.

I'm overwhelmed, over weight, and just tired. The only option I feel like I have is to move back in with my parents( which they offered) and I really don't want to fucking do that. That just means to me admitting I failed and I could have done more. I'm just tired.

I have a few other things but this post is to long

 

[Phalanges Mycologist]

Don't clean up until you have evidence of all the damage. Video or photos

Already done, got photos an videos of the whole mess an a neighbour has one of those Ring CCTV set ups an has video of him.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Not well. Been in a badly volatile mood.

It's been a mess of a few days. It's been a bitching Tuesday/Wednesday.

Spoiler: vent post about interpersonal fuckery

After therapy travels, I got the courage to confront my shitty foster mom about the way she treated and treats me with the hopes we could understand each other a little more.

It did not go well. I don't like to throw mud so I tried to pack it in because the purpose of it was to have a dialogue about what happened and why I tend to keep my distance. I made a point of claiming that it was not evil but perhaps compatibility issues and the tools they used to raise me may have hurt me instead.

I'm too exhausted to go into details but it was essentially me trying to explain things to her and she instantly began going into defense mode, accusing me of not "letting her in" and then going into defense mode again when I tried to explain that the reason why I didn't is because I have experience of her dismissing it when I've tried to, resulting in me being closed off.

Oh no no, that was not her fault. She did nothing wrong. She was a perfect parent. I was just too damaged to appreciate how awesome of a foster parent she was. Also, I'm just being dramatic and my smorgasbord of issues is just hysteria because I'm a destroyed broken person who hasn't come far despite therapy and this fucking conversation being a glowing example to the contrary.

It's like the mere suggestion that she could have any teeny weeny role in my struggles is absolutely absurd because she did fuck all wrong and I'm just a nutto retard who needs to read my medical files because when I do, I will understand that she's right and I'm stupid and wrong.

I don't want an apology. I just want to be heard and acknowledged. You don't have to kiss my ass but at least don't fucking gaslight me to paint yourself as a martyr and maybe try to understand that maybe there's something in the many many years of me closing myself off from you and think "Oh shit, Deer is actually opening up. MAYBE I SHOULDN'T FUCKING TRY TO PAINT MYSELF AS MOTHER THERESA"

She said some things and laughed in my face when I challenged her on some fucking serious things. And it made it clear to me that nothing has changed. This convo is the core issue of why I can't trust her. It is the essence of the very core issue that lies in this. And until she understands and actually fucking listens, nothing will change.

And then she's all like "UWU I'm so happy you shared your thoughts and feelings with me. Let's meet up one day!"

Yeah, well you didn't fucking listen.

I'm so tired and I'm so fucking done. I'm over this. I can't deal with this bullshit anymore. At least I learned to stand my ground when I got accused of drinking bleach and buying abusive friends and then laughed at when I denied it. I tried to open up and I won't say I failed. I say it wasn't appreciated. Yet again. Fuck this.

The irony would be comical if it wasn't so fucking tragic...Ugh, and I'm out of booze.

Edit: Man this turned out to be a mess of a post. I tend to get like that whenever strung out emotionally. A bit obsessive, a lot upset, and affected by this for like half a week because it felt unfair.

I am standing on the precipice of going low contact again. It's pretty easy since the witch of bitch never calls and I only do so out of a sense of obligation. I won't call at all. She knows why. She may not believe me because narcs gonna narc.

But I think after this, there's no point in that obligation anymore. It's not healthy for me. Being with them is not good for me. I no longer gaslight myself into believing I am the source of all issues because I'm not the one who invited a chomo over for coffee or shamed minors for being the victims of revenge porn.

I tried to reach out and speak up and have a deeper conversation as most people have with their parents but after this, I'm not gonna bother anymore. I just nodded along after the call but it's clear she didn't listen and doesn't care if it goes against her inflated ego.

I would rather have no family than an extremely toxic and destructive family that won't even bother to take any accountability.

 

[The Feline Solution]

I have a cheap landlord who drags his feet to do shit except increase my rent

Pretty much the same for me except my landlord owns like 1/3 of the housing in my city.

I'll just do it myself and I deduct all my expenses from the rent the following month

I don't know the law on this, pretty sure it is possible for me to do it after certain conditions are met and enough time has passed but i try to not give them any openings to fuck me over because i did something that i wasn't allowed to do from a legal standpoint. Germany loves nothing more than its legal bullshit and bureaucracy and while we enjoy a lot more tenants rights than other countries (i read it takes around a year to get a tenant who isn't paying rent out of an apartment on average) i won't tempt my luck, God knows it failed me spectacularly in the past.

Snip

Damn, sad to hear all that. I know i would go no contact if i was in your shoes, seems pointless to try again after this. Did that clinic/therapy stuff you were talking about a while back work for you?

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Damn, sad to hear all that. I know i would go no contact if i was in your shoes, seems pointless to try again after this. Did that clinic/therapy stuff you were talking about a while back work for you?

It did, thanks for asking. Group therapy was what I feared but they are actually very cool in there and we have a lot of things in common. There's a no-contact rule before and after sessions but we do an impersonal checkup where we make sure everyone goes home somewhat stable.

I think all this talking, digging through old wounds and, can't believe I am using this word when it's been ruined by trannies but, validation has certainly helped me see things from a new point of view and made me realize I don't have to self-flagellate for the approval of hurtful assholes who don't know they are/were hurtful assholes. And, as proven now, don't want to take accountability for being hurtful assholes.

As said somewhere earlier in my rambling, it gave me the courage to stand my ground. And I think it has now given me the courage to let go completely without guilt. Because I have nothing to gain by trying to chase approval.

There's a long way to go but I've turned out for the better despite my reservations.

Now I just need to learn how to remind myself to eat after an emotional trip like that. It does fucked things to my appetite. I ate breakfast and nothing else because I was too upset to feel hungry as this happened around noon. Crazy.

 

[IKOL]

Drunk on mineral water. Thanks my apartments for becoming a literal boiler room, very cool, such cool, muh sweating bollocks, Christ I hate summer exclusively for desert-like heat....

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

I don't want an apology. I just want to be heard and acknowledged.

Spoiler: bliblbl had a failed family reconciliation

I relate very much to your struggle. After years of counseling, I had a formal sit-down with members of my family and the counselor, all pre-planned for it to be a bonding/reconciliation. It went so horribly and my family members reacted so badly that I packed my shit up that night and moved out as a teenager. I didn't expect it to be like "Oh bliblbl let us grovel and beg for your forgiveness" but I also did not expect the "This conversation has overwhelmed me so bad I'm going to murder-suicide our family because there's no way I will ever admit I had a hand in these bad things happening!!!" I wanted to fix things- I was ready to move on, and instead I had to leave the house because my family was threatening to kill everyone "because you are ruining my life by talking about this."

I felt like the biggest idiot on Earth for a while. Why did I try???? But I realized it was just in my nature to try to make it better- and it was in their natures to blow up in my face.

Therapists, and the portrayals of family drama on TV, they make it seem like it's inevitable that if you do everything right, you can get some form of closure or positive development out of it. You say the right words, you have the right level of maturity, and then you can get some sort of progression. This means BUMFUCK NOTHING if the other parties have not also changed towards the better. I will say it again. You can do EVERYTHING RIGHT, but still the situation will not improve if it's shit due to factors outside of your control- like the thoughts and actions of other people.

I used to feel a lot of guilt because I felt like it was partly my fault or responsibility- I wanted good relationships with my family and I'm always skeptical of people who just go "UGHH I hate my family!!!" because I think of them as antisocial reddit NEET types. I believe, "Mature people have good relationships with their family." But the older I get, the more I put my foot down. I can't change them and I can't begin to fix their problems, I have my own problems.

I hope my story is relatable to you in some way. I really felt like the biggest idiot in the world after the big confrontation- but things got better.

Here is a chill music mix for you all. Please take care of yourselves!

The other day I made a random comment to my friend that I always misplace a case I use for hobby stuff, because it's all black and looks invisible on my black shelves and table. He took a his blue case, and swapped the tops and bottom, so now mine is half black half blue.

For some reason this struck me as super poignant. It just brought me back to being a child, in the days before I really had even a concept of money- in the days where trading and sharing toys really meant something, because it wasn't a matter of just going to the store and buying things. I had thought about my low-visibility case before, and I thought, "I could buy a different case... Or I could buy a sticker to put on it... Or I could buy some paint for it." But to have my friend mix and match his case with mine? It hit me in the feels. It was a moment that felt like the opposite of dissociation. I felt a really good feeling.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

I felt like the biggest idiot on Earth for a while. Why did I try???? But I realized it was just in my nature to try to make it better- and it was in their natures to blow up in my face.

I do feel this a lot. I spent time today ranting to myself, trying not to fall into the pattern of gaslighting myself and invalidating my own feelings but standing by them and getting mad at her behavior, then regretting I even tried because it was my idea and then I imagined that if I was stupid enough to confront her about it, she'd turn it around like "Well it was you who brought it up."

Ignoring the why like always.

I've always had suspicions about her narc tendencies but this just cemented it for me. This is not someone who can change or is willing to change because that would require admitting fault and not throwing off blame and drowning the other person with endless excuses.

And I'm not gonna have a superficial relationship with the bitch or wait until she dies. However when she does die, I will feel nothing.

I used to feel a lot of guilt because I felt like it was partly my fault or responsibility- I wanted good relationships with my family and I'm always skeptical of people who just go "UGHH I hate my family!!!" because I think of them as antisocial reddit NEET types. I believe, "Mature people have good relationships with their family." But the older I get, the more I put my foot down. I can't change them and I can't begin to fix their problems, I have my own problems.

Really. It's a weird pill to swallow when everyone around you talks so casually about their families and you're over here like "This is not me. Why is this not me? I need to fix it."

But I've since learned that I don't have to torture myself for it because if so, it's not worth the effort.

I hope my story is relatable to you in some way. I really felt like the biggest idiot in the world after the big confrontation- but things got better.

Thank you for that.

I do feel like an idiot sometimes. Even now, there's a tiny bit part of me that feels doubt and wonders if I really am allowed to feel what I feel.

But then I remember the afternoon coffee with the child molester and I think to myself that "Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure I'm allowed to feel what I feel"

Kill all pedophiles.

Here is a chill music mix for you all. Please take care of yourselves!

Thank you for this. I need the good vibes to come down from my emotionally manic high. And Dragon's Den just makes me laugh or cringe.

 

[Archeops]

Things are going well, my birthday month is coming up and I'm prepping a little corner in my bedroom for a nice display rig for my gaming laptop, I just have to go through some DVDs and various games to see if any still work or if I'm still interested in playing/watching 'em. Once that's done it's a simple matter of moving them from one shelf to another.

My family did have a bit of a scare recently with one of out dogs though, she was just feeling sick and lethargic (she's a young German Shepherd so this kind of behavior is really out of the ordinary) for an entire day and we couldn't find a reason other than it was something she ate. We decided to let her rest overnight and, if she was still feeling shitty, take her to the vet. On the next day she was back to her normal self and I decided to do some digging and...

...I found an empty tub of cannibis-infused butter in the bathroom trashcan, no doubt left in there by my absolute mongoloid of a brother. My mother pressed him on the issue but he was just deflecting the issue entirely. Needless to say this isn't the first time it happened and I doubt it'll be the last.

 

[Idiot Doom Spiral]

There’s no joy in anything. Anytime I get to something I think is going to be good, it never is. I live in the past on a permanent basis.

I live for the weekend. Then the weekend gets here and I can literally see the clock hands fast-forward from Friday afternoon to Sunday night. At times, I’ve even just said to myself ‘fuck this, I’ll sit in the fucking chair at 3:30pm on Friday and not bother this weekend; there’s no point because it will be Sunday night in a few minutes’ and I have literally sat there all weekend not bothering.

I seem to have my entire life scheduled out without any say in the matter. I am becoming completely intolerant of other people. I have no privacy.

I just want to lie in a remote field in the middle of the countryside on my own, and lie there for days uninterrupted.

 

[56 others]

The only option I feel like I have is to move back in with my parents

Move back in with your parents. Maybe you did or didnt fail but you are being offered a way to dig yourself out by people who care. You are obviously living in hell, and your financials are playing a big role in it. You owe it to yourself and your wife to get better. I did it for 6 months, dug myself out of the hole, and got back out there. The feeling of failure starts to fade when the debt starts disappearing.

 

[Betonhaus]

I had two job interviews today, one that I think went so-so for a job I would tolerate, and one that I think went pretty well for a job I'd kinda like. Probably won't get a callback from either but I could send follow up emails this Friday

 

[anustart76]

There’s no joy in anything. Anytime I get to something I think is going to be good, it never is. I live in the past on a permanent basis.

I live for the weekend. Then the weekend gets here and I can literally see the clock hands fast-forward from Friday afternoon to Sunday night. At times, I’ve even just said to myself ‘fuck this, I’ll sit in the fucking chair at 3:30pm on Friday and not bother this weekend; there’s no point because it will be Sunday night in a few minutes’ and I have literally sat there all weekend not bothering.

I seem to have my entire life scheduled out without any say in the matter. I am becoming completely intolerant of other people. I have no privacy.

I just want to lie in a remote field in the middle of the countryside on my own, and lie there for days uninterrupted.

God, I hate how relatable this is, especially when you hate your job. The weekends are never long enough, and work can't go fast enough.

 

[Rome's rightful successor]

Feeling good right now. Just got back from a small indie concert at a church. I helped an old man who felled get back up over there.

 

[AnOminous]

I have a cheap landlord who drags his feet to do shit except increase my rent. Normally I offer him the opportunity to fix something at his cost and if he fails to do so promptly or correctly, I'll just do it myself and I deduct all my expenses from the rent the following month. Just provide receipts & an invoice for labor time.

This is generally allowed, although best practices is actually putting that rent in an escrow account and explicitly notifying that gouging kike in writing that's what you're doing. After a couple times, they either get their shit together or get sued. In some cases, it's allowed actually to withhold rent entirely although, again, it's generally legally preferable to make sure the rent is "paid," but in escrow, so that it's obvious you aren't just a deadbeat, but have a legitimate beef.

It's generally better to seek out a better living situation in cases like this, though, because the relationship rarely gets better.

Well I am fucking massively incredibly fucking angry right now, like legitimately I want to beat the shit out of someone.

I'm pissed off just reading about it. Fuck that piece of shit.

 

[beejams]

The "relationship" is a non-starter for numerous reasons

nvm we're dating now. We managed to be each other's first, so I guess even though I showed up a day late dollar short someone was looking out for me and saved me a slice of the normie cake. We don't have much in common besides loneliness. But I'm going to ignore the storms behind my silver cloud for now.

 

[The Feline Solution]

it's generally legally preferable to make sure the rent is "paid," but in escrow, so that it's obvious you aren't just a deadbeat, but have a legitimate beef.

Right, this is how its done here, too. Outright not paying is a no-no and just gives your landlord/their lawyers ammunition against you should an issue end up bad enough that it lands in front of a judge.

Move back in with your parents

Yeah, do it. No shame in it, you are not moving back permanently, you just need a breather to get things back on track. I did it before when i was already a grown man. Taking time off, so to speak, from your usual bullshit also helps to put things into perspective, i only realized how bad my situation was and how much the stress was taking its toll on me once i wasn't knee-deep in my shit anymore. Humans are too good in getting used to stuff, wether positive or negative stuff.

It did, thanks for asking. Group therapy was what I feared but they are actually very cool

That's great. Like you and @bliblblblbbllb i had some big issues with family, some still going on, but i just cut them off without trying to reconcile because fuck trying that with mule-headed sardinians. With some, like my Godmother, it was just pure disappointment seeing them behave like animals towards me but also, first and foremost, my cousin, who i love like a brother, because i used to be very fond of them even if we didn't have contact regularly due to living in different countries. Behaviour up to and including semi-serious death threats and shamelessly divvying up the jewelery of a dead person who was laying in a casket in the next room. It all ties back to an inheritance thing that is in the mid five digits and these motherfuckers are behaving like we are the Hilton heirs. Fuck them.