How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Outer Space Traveller]

Did some good ol' fashioned DIY and work on the car this evening after work. As stated by everyone around me when I was buying my first house, you certainly learn and develop a ton of new skills and experiences, provided you're proactive and not content with living in a shithole.

I'll be belt sanding paint off my wheelie bins tomorrow, then putting on some nice transfers. There's a sentence I never thought I'd be saying even a few months back.

I've been wanting to develop more skills in the DIY-area and adjacent, yet it seems like my autism (not a joke, I have traces that can be categorized as such) seems to get the better of me, and I can't seem to focus unless I REALLY want it. So it shows it's not completely my focus, to my shame.

Sooner or later I'll have to learn, so it's good to see someone else enjoying it.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

I've been wanting to develop more skills in the DIY-area and adjacent, yet it seems like my autism (not a joke, I have traces that can be categorized as such) seems to get the better of me, and I can't seem to focus unless I REALLY want it. So it shows it's not completely my focus, to my shame.

Sooner or later I'll have to learn, so it's good to see someone else enjoying it.

YouTube is our friend. I also make it a point of asking some of the old timers at work how to do x, y and z, and they fucking love doling out advice to younger guys. Plenty of times I've had an 'oh yeah, that makes sense' realisation when they're telling me stuff.

A couple of 'firsts' for me including removing and installing a new toilet seat, taking apart an oven to install a factory handle (and experimenting with custom hardware,) along with playing with tools I'd never thought I'd ever use.

There's a few things I won't EVER fuck with, namely electricity and gas - but other stuff I'm willing to learn.

Good luck to us brother

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I just feel like life is this really hardy thing, until it isn't and you're trying to hold onto it, and then it's like a minnow in a stream. It's really fragile but also impossible to keep a grip onto. I didn't think the reality of that would make me so sad as an adult.

I think I know what you mean, and (if so) I agree it can be saddening. I mostly compartmentalize those recognitions/ sensations. Not avoid nor deny, but accept them and accept that they are kind of sad. I allow the sadness, but I also manage it.

I realize that probably means I lack emotional maturity, which is really the best outcome. I think people can still change beyond 25 or whatever, and maybe that is also emotional immaturity.

Not sure I follow your line of thought here. If you have no more room to grow, you're dead. So sure, it's "emotional immaturity," if "emotional immaturity" means imperfect.

I also feel like a martyr, for which I feel a lot of shame.

Actual martyr, or self-perception as?

 

[Betonhaus]

Do you ever get the feeling that the two halves of your brain have completely different goals and motivations?

 

[Pharaoh Fungus II]

Doing pretty good, just had some hot pizza for supper and am listening to some tunes right now. Not looking forward to going back to the grind tomorrow, but I got to pay for my daily bread somehow.

Life is good.

 

[Mr. Smiley Good Fella]

Today was a very fun day. I’m laughing at the incel thread in prospering grounds. I’ve never seen anything like it.

 

[Eagle Bro]

Ban happy pricks ruin the enjoyment of my art hobbies. When I don't make any sketchy shit nor do I make anything NSFW.
At least it doesn't stop me from laughing at retards doing stupid stuff on the internet.

Im grateful for the farms for showing me I was not crazy and not alone in my experiences with these random dickheads online who ruined art communities by banning everyone and making discordnigger echo chambers out of whatever was left of the platform. This is the only place where they can't just censor and sweep up any dirt on them and their moderator abuse. Not a personal army request. Just speaking in generalities since making and sharing art online has been a complete negative waste of time in my experience.

 

[Justtocheck]

I spent one fucking hour and a half updating the OP of the thread I started. Had to create new segment. It all seemed fine. I clicked "preview" before saving. "Oh what is this, a broken image link?" I clicked on it. It took up all the screen. No cross to click. Had to turn back the page. All the writing was gone. FUCK MY LIFE DOOOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST LOST MORE THAN AN HOUR OF PROGRESS, THIS IS SO WRONG

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Seeing the distance between where you're at and who you are towards where and who you can be is really a painful process.
By most accounts, I'm a loser. I think I've got a good heart and I've come far from where I was. But objectively, by most metrics, I'm kind of a joke.
That's a fine place to be in your teens or maybe 21, but seeing the years tick on, looking back and asking yourself "What the fuck did I do with that time?", it becomes very sobering and cold.
I can still change. I can be better. I am taking those steps.
But most the time I kind of look at where I'm at and cringe a bit and want to die.
I feel like any real change I can do now is just catchup. I feel like any progress I could make from this point would be the equivalent of winning the special olympics. Just the best version of a joke. I know it's a shitty mindset but you know you're a failure by most metrics so the best thing you can hope for is being a "late bloomer".
A lot of people have given sound advice to me on here and are rooting for me but deep down I feel like I'm just a lolcow two steps removed.

It's probably a good thing to feel this way so I don't stay here forever. But it becomes all consuming and stops me from making the steps I could be making.
It's like... something really beautiful and amazing is about to happen. I am changing. I see it. But in the process I'm having to accept the fact that I wasted a large section of my life on shitty people, stupid vices, self-pity (which I'm still doing posting this), and putting things off "one more day", thinking somehow my life would change around if I sat around with my thumb up my ass long enough. I wasted a giant portion on bullshit and I can't get that time back. And all I can do now is try to not be as much of a faggot wasting my life away while still feeling shitty about it and trying not to let that destroy me while I unfuck everything.


But just so this doesn't seem like just the normal doompost, like I said: I am TRYING.
I'm going to start studying for college this week.
And when it gets colder I'm going to start making a short film like I said I would last fucking year.

So again, I'm working on it. Just hate the process.

 

[anustart76]

I met this girl at work a couple years ago when we were on a business trip to the same place. Hit it off surprisingly well, especially because she's naturally pretty but has something of an "art hoe" look to her, so I had expected her to be an insufferable bitch. But she was pretty cool, and we hung out during the trip a bit. I'm flying out to the city she lives in for my current job, and if the schedules work, we might end up meeting up, which would be nice, even if nothing much comes of it. She is probably the only girl I am not related to that I've hit it off with in years.

YouTube is our friend. I also make it a point of asking some of the old timers at work how to do x, y and z, and they fucking love doling out advice to younger guys. Plenty of times I've had an 'oh yeah, that makes sense' realisation when they're telling me stuff.

A couple of 'firsts' for me including removing and installing a new toilet seat, taking apart an oven to install a factory handle (and experimenting with custom hardware,) along with playing with tools I'd never thought I'd ever use.

There's a few things I won't EVER fuck with, namely electricity and gas - but other stuff I'm willing to learn.

Good luck to us brother

There is something immensely satisfying about building something or fixing something successfully. I remember a few years ago I fixed a folding chair with a screw and a lock nut from the hardware store, and that little thing felt awesome. I did a bigger project a few weeks ago involving putting together a stand for my 3D printer and screwing it onto the shelf. Felt good.

 

[LonesomeDud]

Actual martyr, or self-perception as?

I mean, being 100% honest? Actual, but not in a unique or special way. Right now I'm high, and I can tell you I was way too serious and sad when I wrote that, and I don't think it was that serious, in retrospect.

I am horrified.

 

[Nick Obre]

She is probably the only girl I am not related to that I've hit it off with in years.

...You've hit it off with girls you're related to?

Also beware the art hoe. I married one and paid the price.

 

[56 others]

Right now I'm high, and I can tell you I was way too serious and sad

Weed and beer just made it easy for me to accept living my shitty nigger life. Sure I was happy doing nothing every day of the week, but I burnt so much time to grow as that person. Maybe that sober sadness is telling you something needs to be fixed.

 

[Pierre D'Olnique]

My full-body x-ray came back, and it turns out that I had significant limb length discrepancy in my left (dominamt) arm and leg, 15 and 11 milimeters respectively. Probably from birth. I have no clue why it took me until sitting post-workout and looking at my knees to realize something was off. Not the back pain, not my tilted posture that I somehow ignored, not the random left shoulder pain jolts, but my fucking knees. Over three decades on God's green earth and I didn't know. Three decades of unknowingly fucking up my spine, maybe permanently, while I sought out remedies that had basically no chance of working. I can't even sue the fucking pediatrician cunt who was responsible for me because she's been dead for over a decade.
Best thing I can do is order those orthotic insoles and hope the pain goes away at least.
God I'm fucking mad.

 

[Vapor Sauce]

It's been hot as fuck where I am which sucks but August is a slow month of work for me so I'm looking forward to a pretty relaxing end of summer. I need to get back in the gym but other than that things are good.

 

[LonesomeDud]

Weed and beer just made it easy for me to accept living my shitty nigger life. Sure I was happy doing nothing every day of the week, but I burnt so much time to grow as that person. Maybe that sober sadness is telling you something needs to be fixed.

Not really. I tend toward being a depressive overachiever who sets myself apart from others, but that's my issue. I could just stop doing that.

Sometimes all your sober depressive state tells you is that your brain needs help.

 

[DeutscheKatze]

kinda want to set myself, and my whole apartment on fire rn

Spoiler

i have been cleaning for days now
Not that i needed this shit ontop of this lovesick shit too
I noticed flour mites
Was thinking its only in the kitchen so i cleaned there daily checking everything as best as i could by daylight
Since i basicly just work all the time
I barely see any of this apartment by daylight often

Now as i deepclean my bedroom i find them on all kinds of surfaces and things
Wierdly enough things that were tucked away for half an year now

i‘m alone with all of this
I told my sister but shes just ghosting me
My parents dont check on me here or call
In the two years i live here my mom has never visited

I feel really at loss
Cant throw everything away
Im already poor
constant rebuying of dehumidifiers and desinfect / cleaning stuff doesnt make it better

8-sometimes14 hours out of the house, sometimes 6 day weeks

I am not dirty
Wtf is this

I read they feed on mold and can enter some sort of sleep state without food?? And lay eggs like crazy
Guess i die

I checked mietzies food too and threw stuff away
im really überfordert rn
not something you want to tell anyone
as they prolly think im dirty

I work so much to survive
Fled an apartment thats was so filthy from my ex

And as a thanks from life, the little i have left gets destroyed too now?

i hope by the time i have vacation i get them all done
Leaving windows open now
Need to buy new dehumidifier stuff
hygrometers

I dont know where to take the money from

and where the fuck is my family???? am i some fucking ghost working for nothing???

i cant throw away everything i own
Why does this keep happening to me?

have i not tried enough to be a good human
i dont drink or do drugs
I remain slim not obese
I dont whore around

I go to work i pay rent on time

will this forever be my life? Working against windmills?

I cant even cry rn
I need to work tomorrow
I will clean all night

I feel awful
unclean
all too much

 

[Neighborhood Curmudgeon]

My computer crashed last week. Waited three days to get a new one, but now I'm good to go again. But I went three days without Internet. No big deal, right? I should be able to live just fine without it, right?

In reality:

 

[DeutscheKatze]

i checked some places in my bedroom
this light grey mold latches onto any surface
and everywhere seem to be at least 2-3 of these dust/flour mites
Alive
In closed boxes with lids
In / on clothing

Everywhere

Its like everything is infested through and through

i ordered hydrometers and new refills for the dehumidifiers

So all i own
Consume, touch, wear is mold and mite infested

so even id i defeat them, theyll rest on/in somewhere i own

I can never ever get guests like this
Its done
This is my own prison
i cant afford to move
And it doesnt even matter
Id move the infestion with me???

i think im going insane
that must be my karma for my failed attempt
I overdid my time and life tells me im nowhere home, nowhere safe
And everything good that might could safe me
Id infest them, with all that i am
Im cursed

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

Genuinely tired of living. I give myself 4 years more I have to "try" before I have the right to pop myself in the head.
Autism is a fucking curse and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.