How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Sorry for the double post, but I would like to add a few things. I feel fine now, but earlier I was having a ton of anxiety. The OCD stuff kind of comes and goes, but it always sticks around. for me. It's mainly religious fears, but it kind of gloms onto whatever I'm doing at the time. I'm afraid if I don't say amen loud enough after a prayer, it won't count, and I will go to hell, or if I accidentally say a swear word in my head, I will go to hell.

I also get extremely anxious and become lightheaded, and I get scared I'm going to die. Not to power level too much, but this isn't the first time either. I remember I had what I now consider a very embarrassing anxiety attack around my family. We talked it out, and my dad was very kind and reasonable, but I still have these fears and mental health problems even if they seem irrational, and before anyone says some r/atheism-tier response about muh skydaddy, even when I was an atheist, I still had OCD, just different fears.

I am also, like I said before, anxious about my future. I guess I'm not that old, but I'm so afraid of dying without a legacy, kids, or anything behind me. Reading some of these earlier posts about 21-year-olds considering suicide seems nuts, but then I am only 29, and I think it's over. I guess I am just being irrational, but I can't convince myself my fears are irrational. It's so stupid-sounding, but I'm afraid my family will die if I say the word suicide or even think about suicide. How can I overcome these fears and be normal?
 
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#FreeRoss said:
Sorry for the double post, but I would like to add a few things. I feel fine now, but earlier I was having a ton of anxiety. The OCD stuff kind of comes and goes, but it always sticks around. for me. It's mainly religious fears, but it kind of gloms onto whatever I'm doing at the time. I'm afraid if I don't say amen loud enough after a prayer, it won't count, and I will go to hell, or if I accidentally say a swear word in my head, I will go to hell.

I also get extremely anxious and become lightheaded, and I get scared I'm going to die. Not to power level too much, but this isn't the first time either. I remember I had what I now consider a very embarrassing anxiety attack around my family. We talked it out, and my dad was very kind and reasonable, but I still have these fears and mental health problems even if they seem irrational, and before anyone says some r/atheism-tier response about muh skydaddy, even when I was an atheist, I still had OCD, just different fears.

I am also, like I said before, anxious about my future. I guess I'm not that old, but I'm so afraid of dying without a legacy, kids, or anything behind me. Reading some of these earlier posts about 21-year-olds considering suicide seems nuts, but then I am only 29, and I think it's over. I guess I am just being irrational, but I can't convince myself my fears are irrational. It's so stupid-sounding, but I'm afraid my family will die if I say the word suicide or even think about suicide. How can I overcome these fears and be normal?
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Can relate man. Hardcore. I'm 27 and gonna have to go back to college. No relationships in my life, very little in what goes for friends.

Something that does kinda keep me grounded is legit just not thinking long term. Longest term I think of is a week. Life unfortunately is very fucking slow to fix and quick to end.

Just chip away day by day and remind yourself of the little bits of progress you're getting at.
 
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Fallow Tallow said:
Worn out, but I'll live.

Ended a very long term friendship today; or what was once a friendship. Once I acknowledged that dealing with this person gave me knots in the stomach and that I was only holding on due to shared history, it was obvious what needed to be done.

Feels like I did the right thing, but it still kinda sucks, you know?
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Went through a similar thing recently. I had tried to cut him out of my life for a very long time but never went through with it because of our shared past, the good times and bad times we'd gone through, and because I legitimately felt like a sack of shit for "abandoning" him, since he barely has anyone else.

I eventually broke off any and all contact because the friendship had turned into a total dependency for him. I felt less like a friend and more like a garbage disposal for the guy's massive and relentless self-pity. The final nail in the coffin was when he got mad at me for going on a date instead of spending time with him. He said something along the lines of "What, you're just taking time off whenever you want?", which made me realize that he truly sees me as some kind of social worker and not as a friend at all. When he said that, he immediately self-corrected and tried to rephrase, but it was obvious that that's how he truly thought of our friendship.

Still sucks. I hope he bounces back somehow, but I just can't be there for him anymore.
 
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Celestial Peace said:
If I can do it while I'm able to why do I have to wait for an hyperbolic situation where I'll be unable to do it myself?
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Idk, because anything else isn't worth offing yourself? Maybe you are just too retarded to see good in life. I'd recommend you not to off yourself though. More likely you will just cripple yourself into the aforementioned positions.

As for me, look, despite regularly posting here, I don't like to complain, but shit is not good. I am exhausted, the day was just a montage of shit going sideways and I will have to work this weekend with the knowledge that some stuff is broken and I will have to do it all manually, like if I wasn't done with it all already. I felt like that guy in CEO skit from MDE, so I decided to listen to The Soft Moon, only to find out from the comments that its frontman died almost a year ago. It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
Hope you will have it better than me, since my next two days are gonna be nothing but pain and dreams of rest. Take care.
 
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Internet Wizard said:
I made a new years resolution that I wouldn't consider or attempt suicide until at least 2026 and I already regret it, some days I'm just curled in bed wondering why the fuck I did that to myself. At least, there's a scary good chance that had I not made that promise I'd be dead by now.
It takes a single day to go back to square one, for any hope I've built up to vanish in an instant. If I wasn't busy with school I might really just consider moving into a psych ward for good because I don't know what the fuck else to do with myself. It feels like I'm losing this war on all fronts and there's really no use prolonging the inevitable. I want to give up, I really do.
I know I'm probably just being dramatic and exaggerating but I still feel like I have just zero optimism for the future still. But I guess being dead at 22 instead of 21 isn't that much of a difference at least, though it does mean I have to keep waking up for another year. I can't really think of things that waiting might change by then, but whatever
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Hello please, I am a formerly very suicidal person. A thing I used to have to do all the time was ask myself, does it have to be now? Does it have to be today? What about today means it HAS to be today that I neck? Is Hitler’s ghost coming back for the rest of the Polaks? Am I currently about to be set on fire? Is someone going to steal my hands and feet today? No. The answer was always no. Things might hurt very badly, but once I started doing that, I never could find a reason why it had to happen that very instant. “But me sad and hate everyone” was a reason, but I was sad all the time, so it wasn’t a “today” reason after all.

Now I am old and have a family and life isn’t the greatest, but it’s not what it was, and I haven’t had to ask myself “does it have to be today?” in a very long time.

Sometimes life is just about staying alive. It’s not about hope for a better future as some carrot to keep you moving, hope only made me more disappointed. It’s not about some amazing goal to achieve that’ll fix everything, because it probably won’t. It’s just giving life the opportunity to work out in its own time, and building up your resistance to the bullshit. Patience.

Sorry if this was faggy. I hope you feel better.
 
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Had to let go of a beloved pet and good friend last week. Tabby cat I've had for years got very sick very quickly. Devastating diagnosis. Given her advanced age, and the stack of irreversible fatal problems she was facing, I decided that having her put down was the best choice for her. The end was inevitable, and I couldn't let her suffer.

Not the first time this has happened, but it never gets any easier.
 
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Back to powerlevel in the powerleveling thread. I try to maintain an aloof persona around here but I’m a private fuckup in my own ways like everyone else.

I have been able to hold down a good job for a long time, I’m actually quite good at it, and I’m really not that awkward around people usually, but I keep getting myself in trouble for getting irritated with people when they fuck things up. All they see is me getting stressed out and snapping at people every once in a while; I don’t think they realize how many little things bother me every single day of my life that I don’t talk about.

I’ve described it before as the world being rough against my skin; nothing is ever quite right and I get really bent out of shape when things aren’t clean or organized or working properly. Which benefits me in a lot of ways but it also makes life really fucking hard on a constant basis. Any time I have to interact with anyone outside of a few people it’s a chore. I am happiest alone, in my own space, where everything is how I want it. I am terrified of trying to find and keep another job that might not be as forgiving as this one has been. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life being a fucking struggle trying to coexist with people I don’t want to be around so I can make a living. ‘Annoyed’ is pretty much my default state and it’s not a recipe for a happy life.

I know we all joke about being autistic here but maybe I really do need one of these bad boys.
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Today i learn about my father being in jail for a 3rd time store robbery (not a violent one, more like taking products without paying).
Tomorrow is his judge.
Man... pops wasn't a saint and hiding near anything he done (even in my youth) but is still my father and was a excellent one.
I don't know how to feel right now...
 
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Fallow Tallow said:
Worn out, but I'll live.

Ended a very long term friendship today; or what was once a friendship. Once I acknowledged that dealing with this person gave me knots in the stomach and that I was only holding on due to shared history, it was obvious what needed to be done.

Feels like I did the right thing, but it still kinda sucks, you know?
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Had to do that to a friend years ago. It sucks, and occasionally you'll think about how he's doing or have something remind you of the friend, but it'll get better after the initial suckage.
#FreeRoss said:
Sorry for the double post, but I would like to add a few things. I feel fine now, but earlier I was having a ton of anxiety. The OCD stuff kind of comes and goes, but it always sticks around. for me. It's mainly religious fears, but it kind of gloms onto whatever I'm doing at the time. I'm afraid if I don't say amen loud enough after a prayer, it won't count, and I will go to hell, or if I accidentally say a swear word in my head, I will go to hell
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That sounds like scrupulosity. If you have a preacher or spiritual father, have you talked to him about it?
 
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Loris Yeltsin said:
Still sucks. I hope he bounces back somehow, but I just can't be there for him anymore.
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Been there, done that, and I fucking hated it. Sometimes, even with years of shared experiences, someone is just being too much of an asshole to keep devoting time to. You tried your best. Eventually you have to reserve your energy for yourself when someone is such a fucking vampire you can't continue feeding them.
 
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I've been drinking, smoking and doom scrolling less while working out, reading and drawing more. Despite this I feel more convinced then ever of a totally disastrous future ahead that will cast a great spell of misery and destruction upon us. Something about the intense chaos that has introduced this year is compelling me to seek improvement even if my world view feels more dismal than ever before.
#FreeRoss said:
I'm obsessing over the calendar and each passing day wishing I had changed my life when I could have.
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Weirdly enough this is the first time in my life where I've chosen to mark off each day with a big red X on the calendar when I first wake up the following morning. Something about having to confront each day with the passage of the last has helped me want to fill the time with more worthwhile endeavors than the bed rot I've been too familiar with for too long.
 
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I'm not quite sure how to describe things on my end; it's a mix between good and bad, really.

Let's start with the negatives. My health's been feeling weird these past few days; I know I've got a hypochondria problem, but there's been points where I've felt pretty shit overall. Still out of a job, as there aren't very many places hiring these days, Trump shut down the federal positions, and my town's been dealing with a VERY large influx of immigrants and druggies. A relative of mine somehow lost a rather large amount of money to a scam (that he REALLY should've seen coming because it was sketchy as all hell, but he's not new to making bad decisions, so...), so he's been begging my parents for help, which has been frustrating. Writing has also stalled on a detail; got a few character designs that I like, but for various reasons, they feel... awkward to use, especially in the context of the story. On top of all that, my hyperactive mind keeps spiraling into full-blown existentialism issues seemingly every moment, so... that's been fun.

On the good side of things, I've got the story outline done, which is a HUGE boon for me, even getting the genre nailed down shockingly enough. Got some personal projects of mine done; mostly just a few bits and pieces, but it's something. Managed to get a rather hard achievement on a game I was playing that I've been trying to get for a while, so there's that. It's mostly just little things, but... you got to take the small victories where you can.

Haloperidol said:
Back to powerlevel in the powerleveling thread. I try to maintain an aloof persona around here but I’m a private fuckup in my own ways like everyone else.

I have been able to hold down a good job for a long time, I’m actually quite good at it, and I’m really not that awkward around people usually, but I keep getting myself in trouble for getting irritated with people when they fuck things up. All they see is me getting stressed out and snapping at people every once in a while; I don’t think they realize how many little things bother me every single day of my life that I don’t talk about.

I’ve described it before as the world being rough against my skin; nothing is ever quite right and I get really bent out of shape when things aren’t clean or organized or working properly. Which benefits me in a lot of ways but it also makes life really fucking hard on a constant basis. Any time I have to interact with anyone outside of a few people it’s a chore. I am happiest alone, in my own space, where everything is how I want it. I am terrified of trying to find and keep another job that might not be as forgiving as this one has been. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life being a fucking struggle trying to coexist with people I don’t want to be around so I can make a living. ‘Annoyed’ is pretty much my default state and it’s not a recipe for a happy life.

I know we all joke about being autistic here but maybe I really do need one of these bad boys.
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In all honesty, I'm the exact same; nothing's ever right, I get bent out of shape easily, the whole nine yards.
 
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What a morning. My section in our thesis subject had a field trip so that we could learn how to do surveys. I accompanied my professor in the next field trip after that for the other section, acting as an assistant for him, and I returned to my dorm with my professor driving me there along with a classmate who also acted as an assistant, having been told by him that I should let go of my oneitis (or that perhaps there might be chances for reconciliation given recent developments) and of how unpredictable women can be.
 
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