How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Ratboy Genius]

Really been struggling with a bad habit of napping daily. It's to the point where I give myself a little treat for pulling an alldayer. But even that rarely works. Feels like I'm always exhausted. If anyone has tips for fixing this lmk

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Feels like I'm always exhausted. If anyone has tips for fixing this lmk

What works for me is to pursue high-pressure work that truly interests me (won't get into details to avoid power leveling) and to surround myself with energetic people. Work days of 40+ hours are not uncommon*. Do you feel like you're doing worthwhile, interesting work with people who push you to improve in a good way?

Besides that, go to the gym, eat well and avoid coffee. It's good for a short-term boost but the drop of energy afterwards is too sudden and severe. Instead, rely on matcha because it crashes you out less quickly. A different low-effort trick is to put on your work/dress shoes when you're feeling tired. Being dressed for work somehow makes you less sleepy. Do not under any circumstance consume alcohol, weed or significant amounts of sugar.

Mind you, naps are not a bad thing if they boost your productivity. They are only a problem if they hinder it.

*Edit: To be clear, you are not at your 100% on days like that but sometimes quantity trumps quality in terms of work, especially if it involves travel and low-stakes office work.

 

[Señora Airi]

I would like to, but my parents hate the local preacher, and I don't have a car to drive to church on my own.

I shall pray for you

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

Today I washed a cat. It went about as well as can be expected. I thought it was pretty funny how grumpy he was afterward, he's one of those cats that meows a lot.

I have been suffering from OCD recently. It kind of sucks, but hopefully I can get better. Also, I have just been feeling sad about the way my life is going. I'm getting older now; I'm almost 30. I have done very little with my life. I feel purposeless. I'm not suicidal, but I just feel like my life has passed me by. I'm obsessing over the calendar and each passing day wishing I had changed my life when I could have. Now I am hopeless and in despair. Does anybody relate to me?

I struggled immensely with symmetry OCD when I was young- the good thing about OCD is that, compared to a lot of other mental illnesses, it is actually pretty curable, compared to something like bipolar or personality disorders which tend to be more lifelong and only managed/mitigated.

I definitely feel like I lost things to being kooky and that I missed out and was held back in life, not just from that but from being outcast and having a bad childhood in general. I felt resentful, depressed, a lot of things. But, at some point I just realized I didn't want to be that guy who never matured past how high school spat him out.

If you start changing now, or at any point, eventually it will matter less and less who you used to be. Don't feel ashamed about lowly points in life. 30s are also pretty young in the grand scheme of things. I don't think a lot of 30yos, especially in this generation, are able to accomplish what their parents did at the same age just because the economy isn't the same. College is exponentially more expensive, the housing crisis is insane, and marriage and birth rates are way down. They say the 30s are becoming the new 20s in that sense.

Without knowing more about your life and goals, consider trying to get the best financial situation you can/ becoming more educated on the topics of budgeting, saving, investing, etc. For a period of 3 years I had to take care of family which kept me from leaving the state/ doing stuff I had wanted to do my entire life. It was incredibly depressing until I decided to take up Early Retirement Extreme principles and started setting and hitting financial goals like saving xyz a month, having xyz in the bank, etc. It gives you more freedom and security even if you don't know what you really need that money for. Having enough money saved up is also often what allows people to make life-changing decisions like switching jobs, moving out, getting married, getting surgeries, starting hobbies, going on vacation, etc.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

Sometimes life is just about staying alive

Life just sometimes is about staying alive
One of my relatives is a pre-retirement old man with no wife, no kids, no life whatsoever, Uncle-Ruckus-(no relation)-esque loner who drinks, smokes and waits for something, hates his life and (definitely) himself. Nobody respects him and he's a waste of space and other people's time and he knows it. Speaking to him is bothersome and dismal.
He is still alive btw and I will live too knowing that it will be me in decades.

 

[2025 A.D.]

Each day I feel like seriously offing myself.

Always had suicidal thoughts but recently I've been less and less interested in living.

inb4: Some gay-ass saying about how life is worth living or that I should live for some equally gay-ass reason or to prove anything to everyone. Spare me your autistic philosophies.

Someone should make a Suicide Thread to discuss the best methods of killing oneself. I personally prefer shooting myself but I don't know how which one is more effective: Shooting right in the temple or right in the palate.

Consider this: what if it gets WORSE? What if death isn't the escape into unconsciousness that you presumably believe it to be? And to be clear, I'm not trying to preach anything to you, this is just something I think about a whole lot.

To me, though I don't claim to know anything, it seems perfectly plausible that consciousness continues after death (and there seems to be extensive evidence that this may be the case, though what you consider to be evidence is of course up to you. I'm referring to loads of NDE stories and related research). And if it does continue, whatever that might mean, then if anything will result in a bad time, I would think the extremely unnatural act of murdering your own self would do it.

Life may suck, and I certainly don't disagree, but I think appropriate terror of the ultimate unknown, and of facing it the wrong way (even if we all have to face it soon enough) is a very reasonable thing to feel. I think it helps balance out my own despair.

So I'm not trying to motivate you, I'm suggesting you should be scared of taking the irrevocable step into the abyss, and treat it more seriously. Ultimately unsubstantiable beliefs in the specifics of an afterlife or whatever are one thing, but I don't know why people who lack said beliefs are so happy to assume they'll just be logging off into eternal oblivion. Maybe there is no fucking exit. And I don't care for the whole "remember when you weren't born? no? well, that means you just didn't exist and death is just like that because I say so" spiel. You do not know. Neither do I. I am only suggesting that you don't give in completely to the intoxication of despair (which I understand and share), before it drowns out your fear, and try your best to soberly consider the possibilities of the Unknown, and that by shooting yourself in the head you *could* also be shooting yourself in the foot in ways beyond what we can know.

You think it can't get worse than this?

 

[Celestial Peace]

What if death isn't the escape into unconsciousness that you presumably believe it to be?

I'm a Buddhist so, from my persective, if I haven't reached Nirvana in this lifetime I will be reborn. Killing any sentient being is something that creates very bad karma, bad enough to make me be reborn in Hell (which is different from Christian hell). Suicide is pretty much killing a sentient being which would be you yourself.

Perhaps bad karma from this or a previous life would be the cause for my current situation.

However religions worldwide apply a different context for suicide because throughout history humans have comitted suicide for reasons that differ from killing a third party.

I don't know, man. I'm very tired and feel like shit won't change whatever I do. Am I slacking? Perhaps. Am I lacking concentration? Perhaps. Would my deceased ancestors be ashamed of me if I kill myself? Presumably, yes.

But life does seem mundane and my future seems bleak for me. I fear I won't be capable to do what I aim to do.

 

[zombifiedgirl]

terrible do you know how annoying it is to have friends who do anything for men? this bitch just slit her throat for him

 

[2025 A.D.]

I'm a Buddhist so, from my persective, if I haven't reached Nirvana in this lifetime I will be reborn. Killing any sentient being is something that creates very bad karma, bad enough to make me be reborn in Hell (which is different from Christian hell). Suicide is pretty much killing a sentient being which would be you yourself.

Perhaps bad karma from this or a previous life would be the cause for my current situation.

However religions worldwide apply a different context for suicide because throughout history humans have comitted suicide for reasons that differ from killing a third party.

I don't know, man. I'm very tired and feel like shit won't change whatever I do. Am I slacking? Perhaps. Am I lacking concentration? Perhaps. Would my deceased ancestors be ashamed of me if I kill myself? Presumably, yes.

But life does seem mundane and my future seems bleak for me. I fear I won't be capable to do what I aim to do.

In that case (you being a Buddhist), I'd argue you could have too many concrete beliefs obscuring your ability to evaluate the possibilities of things! Anyway, my knowledge of Buddhism is very limited, but buddhist hells can be really hardcore from what I've heard.

I'm very tired too. I sympathize very much. I don't think I have much else to say that I didn't already express in the previous post. But don't do it. Death will come for us soon enough. That's a constant, and an inevitability (..allegedly, anyway). Despite what you believe, you may not get to reincarnate. There may not be a cycle. There might just be one go at puppeteering this weird fleshbag through life. Remember, you don't know.

Death is probably right around the corner. You don't get to opt out of that, but you do get to opt into some more life. Even though this stupid world is a stupid place full of dullness and despair (but also beauty), you get to have it and its possibilities (uncounted, even if you're blind to them) instead of the yawning grave, if for a little while. And there is always hope, however dim, that there could be something else, and that it doesn't have to be this way. Don't be the murderer of hope.

Here's this little quote I saved years back. I've found it soothing. I myself struggle with hope, but this resonates with some part of me that still wants to believe in the possibility of change.

 

[Patrick Bait-man]

My life has been aimless for the last 2.5 years.

In 2022 I graduated school as a well respected student, decided to have my own summer break before I got into the workforce to relax, extended it to the end of the year which led me to getting lazy (the combination of this and prior years of being home due to COVID lockdowns cursed me leading to my schedule, productivity, and self-care becoming damaged). I was supposed to work on getting my Driver's License in the meantime, but did nothing about it due to said laziness; though I was also afraid of getting out into the real world at the same time.

In 2024 I finally started attempting to course correct my life, getting my Driver's Permit and my first job; only to be sitting here today still waiting for someone to teach me how to drive, and quitting my first job after only a few months due to piss poor pay.

I've submitted numerous job applications since then, getting nothing out of them except the rare pre-interview that leads nowhere. In that time, my autistic brother was suddenly taken away from me on bullshit claims in an ongoing legal battle and shortly after my best friend pet cat of nearly 9 years that I took care of from day one and so dearly loved was suddenly euthanized in a scene that sounds like it came straight out of a film.

Spoiler

He had been feeling ill for awhile and I convinced my parents to take him to the vet. He was dehydrated alongside something else I can't recall and subsequently treated, only to fall ill again.

I had my parents take him to the vet again, with my mom commenting the possibly that he was dying but I shrugged it off given she had an issue with always thinking of the worst for which they never came true.
On the day he was to go to the vet, I got him into a travel carrier and brought him outside during a snowstorm to my step-dad down the street while he was meowing out of fear. I went to bed afterwards thinking he would be alright, only to get the call a few hours later that he was being euthanized. I cried for a solid 30 minutes before falling back asleep.

There was no burial, no last visit, no discussion of any kind, nothing; his life ended unceremoniously at a young age by a cold syringe in an isolated vet without me by his side.

The worst part is that during the visit he was diagnosed with a rapidly growing tumor and fluid in the lungs, both of which were treatable. He could've been treated, but they didn't want to spend the money didn't have the money to help him.

That memory of me bringing him during that snowstorm to see the vet will forever haunt me, and in essence it was as if I was bringing him to his death in that very moment. I still feel the lack of his presence in our house, and I feel now that apart of my soul died with him that day.

Here I am now, typing this in the house that I've been isolated in for years with nothing to do or look forward to. My brother is gone, my best friend pet cat is dead, and the job market is a lie. Despite being young, I can distinctively recall the last 10 years and how far things have changed. The world, the Internet, the media I enjoy, all of it; it's become so rotten, soulless and my isolation has left me with all the time in the world to watch it degrade from the comfort of my own room.

I'm not the same person I was when I graduated, it's baffling to see how far it shifted. My mental state is slowly deteriorating, and I'm in an absolute state of melancholy; if it wasn't for my family I wouldn't have much of a reason to stay alive anymore.

I'm not comfortable with getting personal on here at all; I'm here to gossip, discuss the things I'm interested in, and ultimately shitpost. But I desperately need a place to vent, and if I don't I'm going to lose it from all of the deep repressed emotions within me (special thanks to society for ingraining into men from a young age to shut up and let yourself die inside less you be called a pussy, faggot, or any other smooth brained term).

 

[#FreeRoss]

I struggled immensely with symmetry OCD when I was young- the good thing about OCD is that, compared to a lot of other mental illnesses, it is actually pretty curable, compared to something like bipolar or personality disorders which tend to be more lifelong and only managed/mitigated.

I definitely feel like I lost things to being kooky and that I missed out and was held back in life, not just from that but from being outcast and having a bad childhood in general. I felt resentful, depressed, a lot of things. But, at some point I just realized I didn't want to be that guy who never matured past how high school spat him out.

I can relate to this. I am very resentful about my childhood and my childhood trauma, and I constantly fantasize about what it would have been like having normal parents, but recently I have decided, like you did, that I'm not going to let it hold me back. I'm going to start eating right and exercising so at the very least I can get some more confidence instead of being a fat and depressed loser who obsesses over his childhood failures.

If you start changing now, or at any point, eventually it will matter less and less who you used to be. Don't feel ashamed about lowly points in life. 30s are also pretty young in the grand scheme of things. I don't think a lot of 30yos, especially in this generation, are able to accomplish what their parents did at the same age just because the economy isn't the same. College is exponentially more expensive, the housing crisis is insane, and marriage and birth rates are way down. They say the 30s are becoming the new 20s in that sense.

Absolutely, I just feel like such a loser, but the truth is there are many 50-year-olds who just now got their shit together, so I'm really not as bad as I feel. It's just I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, but when I don't, I feel like a total loser. I think I can probably turn my life around; I'm just so tired of having to live with my constant regrets and trauma and reliving how I could have done things differently, especially when I see young kids getting into their dream schools and achieving things.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Really been struggling with a bad habit of napping daily. It's to the point where I give myself a little treat for pulling an alldayer. But even that rarely works. Feels like I'm always exhausted. If anyone has tips for fixing this lmk

Well, if you are always exhausted like you say, there may be reasons that cannot be fixed with naps. What about your sun exposure(it is winter but still) and vitamin D intake?

 

[Blamo2000]

I want to change my life path this year, while it is slowly sinking, I kinda stabilized my family's financial situation. So I wasted a lot of time bucketing water out of the Titanic, I think I bought myself some time. I can start pivoting into the things I want to do.

What I want to do is anything but rational, but it's the thing I want to do. Maybe it will work out, maybe not. If I never tried I would just feel regret for not trying. If I fail, then I can be sure that it wasn't meant to happen. I really have no reason not to try.

I kinda wish the I didn't need to deal with learning the skills, having AI nuking all opportunities and my fear of having an online presence at the same time.

 

[DoomsdayElite]

My mom texted me to say ICE is conducting raids around our area, so I'm feeling pretty damn fine.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

Okay. At this exact moment I'm pissing away extremely valuable time.

Short of it is that my job search (an organized thing for my particular stage of my particular career) is going very badly. I got turned down for the one position I heard back from. Now I have an interview for another, but it was a very impersonal (almost no advance notice, not personalized) offer for a less important position. I'll just go ahead and explain it to you. "Professor" generally means a tenure-track position, and professors have internal ranks and variation. Assistant Professors are not tenured, Associate Professors are, Full Professors (just, professor) are basically the equivalent of "masters." You can think of it very much as being like apprentices (graduate students), journeymen, masters and so on. Graduate school is more or less an apprenticeship for the task of being an intellectual. Some other modifiers are things like "Visiting" Professor (someone that teaches seasonally, or temporarily, has an affiliation at another university, etc.) and "Adjunct" (temp contract professor with shit pay and a precarious existence, you're doing stuff for them but you're not part of their department in any real sense).

Then, you've got a "load." It's assumed that your work is basically quartered up and it can be teaching or research (so numbers are out of four), with a certain number of "preps" (unique classes: big fixed cost to having a prep, much easier to just add another section to it). "Service" (committee/administrative/advising/public relations bullshit, loathsome) is another. So a typical load is 2-2 or 3-2, you spend about half or a little under half of your time researching. But some people will be Research Professors with a load of 0-0, 1-1, etc., some will be Teaching Professors with a load of 3-3 or 4-4, you know.

Academia values research, not teaching. Research is the main thing search committees talk about, the main thing that gets tenure, and so on. My problem is I fucking hate research and I don't even know how to do it because I spent the past five years of my life like I was working a part time job (did my teaching "load," or my classwork "load" before that, and not much else) to the point that I'm terrified of having to teach even the most basic statistics class or present to an audience of strangers. There was a time when I could do Probability and Statistics just fine, but I don't know how to do this shit after not using it at all. I have to look up confidence intervals on a regular basis because I forget this stuff. Frankly, i should have failed out of here long ago, but it's the kind of thing you can't fail out of, I did FINE in my classes, I crapped out (I used to jokingly call it "retirement") afterwards.

Now this job is a 4-4, so it's all teaching. But they're not calling it a "Professorship" either, it really sounds more like a temp lecturer. So I'd be perfectly happy doing that as long as it's a job where you can reasonably expect to be hired on year after year, but if they really only want a person for one or two years, it's going to be really worrying. The endless adjunct cycle. The pay is good for what it is, higher than some real professors.

I'm fucking around, thumb up my ass, on Kiwi Farms. I have this huge stack of applications to go through that all expire in six days (including today). There's no way in Hell I'm getting through them all, but many are useless junk - the bottom of the barrel, kicked back to the end for a reason - anyways. This job interview actually came through just three days after I put in my application, so it's one of those.

Meanwhile, at least my classes are better right now. They turned on me like snakes last time. I had these god-tier evaluations, students loved it, and then I just made them work more and out came the teeth. Same class, same material, but absolutely bitchy because I expected them to read and spend the amount of time (like, ten hours a week) on a college course that college courses are supposed to have. And I am obligated to include that stuff in future applications.

I'm about at the point of telling my advisor off. I came to realize just recently that he really is fucking useless. I may have been useless to, but he was useless as well and he bears some real responsibility for how this shaped up for me.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Absolutely, I just feel like such a loser, but the truth is there are many 50-year-olds who just now got their shit together, so I'm really not as bad as I feel. It's just I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, but when I don't, I feel like a total loser. I think I can probably turn my life around; I'm just so tired of having to live with my constant regrets and trauma and reliving how I could have done things differently, especially when I see young kids getting into their dream schools and achieving things.

Life for many has ups and downs, failures and missed opportunities, going from rockstar to having to rebuild from near-ground (or at-ground or below-ground) up - or, failure to succeed early and feeling everything is catching up.

It is never too late to create good and to succeed and find satisfaction and a sense of worth. Will you rise to the same heights you might have if you had never derailed or made a misstep, or had made a different choice or had different conditions at some point in the past?

Maybe, maybe not - but that's not even the point. Refining your values, meeting the right goals you set for yourself, finding value in your life and how you live it - those are the thing.

The one thing we cannot do is to go backward or to change the past. It is literally impossible. But that's not bad or good; it just is. Spinning on that concept is good only for a minute- to acknowledge it - but no longer nor more than that. You are where you are today; you must start there.

Work on releasing the negative or rueful backward-looking perspectives. Aim to persist despite any shame or discouragement related to the past. Pour your energy and heart into now + future. And the more you see yourself accomplish in the now, the more you can start to conceive if and aim for future goals.

Tl; dr: no ragrets. Or at least none that interfere with your motion forward.

and the job market is a lie. Despite being young, I can distinctively recall the last 10 years and how far things have changed. The world, the Internet, the media I enjoy, all of it; it's become so rotten, soulless and my isolation has left me with all the time in the world to watch it degrade from the comfort of my own room.

You didn't ask for anyone's advice or perspective, but I'm going to offer this: aim to stop looking at macro concepts like "the job market is" "the internet is" "people are" "people like me aren't allowed to/have to," etc. Dial in on yourself and your situation. Not larger forces, but what you do. Live and breathe it. The other stuff is readily available and highly distracting, and it will make you focus on the wrong things. You can't raise up if you're distracted by the things you see working against you.

That's not saying you're right or wrong about any of these other things. The point is that it doesn't matter if they are or aren't. Strap on a hat with a laser beam light attached to it, and follow that.

Don't be the murderer of hope.

This is a nice, and stark, turn-of-phrase.

What is the quote in the image from? Mr. Google failed me.

 

[Ratboy Genius]

I have been suffering from OCD recently. It kind of sucks, but hopefully I can get better. Also, I have just been feeling sad about the way my life is going. I'm getting older now; I'm almost 30. I have done very little with my life. I feel purposeless. I'm not suicidal, but I just feel like my life has passed me by. I'm obsessing over the calendar and each passing day wishing I had changed my life when I could have. Now I am hopeless and in despair. Does anybody relate to me?

tl;dr me yapping a lot
Hiya. Fellow OCD haver here. Maybe look into OCD's common comorbid conditions. Not to pl too much but I believe my OCD is connected to my ADD and social anxiety and possibly trauma. Maybe that would be insightful for you idk?
I think I know how you're feeling. :[ Culture is constantly saying "carpe diem, make every second count". That line of thinking is exhausting and it'll crush a person. Also, comparison is the thief of joy. I struggle severely with it, particularly comparing myself to my peers, sibling, relatives, fictional characters, etc...even my past self. It's insidious and there's no winning. Idk why I'm typing this bit, you prolly know all that already and I fear I'm making this about myself--okay lemme just move on
Remember, there's no such thing as wasted time. People might say that that's just cope, but I say it's a strategic philosophy for living. It's my Ratboy Genius certified philosophy. It's really just about self compassion and noticing the beauty in the mundane. Here's a quote I like: "Wherever you go, there you are." There seem to be conflicting interpretations, but my favorite is that happiness is found wherever you are.
By the way...I don't wanna just sound like a motivational speaker who has no idea what you've been through. I'm close to your age. Thinking about all this lowkey got me teary eyed lol. I won't pretend that I had it worse or I'm just like you, but your words really conjured flashbacks to my most miserable state of mind, which still haunts me. Idk how to articulate the rest of what I wanna say, so I'm going to dump some quotes or "wholesome memes" (I know that sounds super autistic) that have genuinely given me strength. I'd apologize for the cringe, but you must let go of your fear of being cringe in order to be free.

Spoiler: i hope somebody somewhere will get something from these

^^^ "Maybe...one life...is enough?" I frickin love this sentence from 'Puss In Boots: The Last Wish". Unless you're one of those people that refuses to associate with anything animated, I highly recommend this movie as it deals with a lot of your fears and regrets and worries. I cried over it a lot. And now my favorite for last...

^^^ This quote from 'Everything Everywhere All At Once' lowkey changed my life. Admittedly it took several rewatches, countless tears, and a ton of thinking to understand its meaning. Oh my gosh. Dude. If ever there was a movie I could recommend, it's this one. Disclaimer: it's a little homo, and extremely weird. But it's life changing and a genuine masterpiece imo. I become a sobbing mess every time I see it hahaha. So I want to spoil as little as possible... The mc initially is in your shoes, regretting having made nothing of her life. The villain tempts her with nihilism. The other side of the coin is absurdism I think. 'Everything Everywhere All At Once' is, among other things, about seeing and creating meaning in the mundane and routine. Basically... "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

I also recommend a book (and short film adaptation) called 'The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, And The Horse' and another book that's very similar called 'Big Panda And Tiny Dragon'. Some pages of both were shown above. Sorry if all this was like hurtful or irrelevant or redundant or anything, I did spend like several hours on it so it's prolly disjointed and a mess lol. I hope things improve for you my friend. It's really brave of you to be vulnerable and open about your struggles. You're not alone. <3 Take care and all that :]

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)
"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."' Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

wowza that was quite a yap haha my bad

Also @YHWH's Strongest Soldier thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, it means a lot <3 <3 <3

 

[Ratboy Genius]

Well, if you are always exhausted like you say, there may be reasons that cannot be fixed with naps. What about your sun exposure(it is winter but still) and vitamin D intake?

I take vitamin D supplements... :,] I do think you're right about other reasons at play. My sleep schedule is inconsistent to say the least. I figure that's the most primary cause among others like you said

 

[#FreeRoss]

Hello, @Ratboy Genius I read through your whole post and wanted to respond. I will do it bit by bit, so feel free to respond that way if you would like to.

Hiya. Fellow OCD haver here. Maybe look into OCD's common comorbid conditions. Not to pl too much but I believe my OCD is connected to my ADD and social anxiety and possibly trauma. Maybe that would be insightful for you idk?

I suffer from social anxiety and trauma along with depression. I used to have attention issues, but not really anymore, so I can relate to you.

I think I know how you're feeling. :[ Culture is constantly saying "carpe diem, make every second count". That line of thinking is exhausting and it'll crush a person. Also, comparison is the thief of joy. I struggle severely with it, particularly comparing myself to my peers, sibling, relatives, fictional characters, etc...even my past self. It's insidious and there's no winning. Idk why I'm typing this bit, you prolly know all that already and I fear I'm making this about myself--okay lemme just move on

You are absolutely right. I constantly compare myself to other people, but especially my past self. I look back and wish I would have stood up to my parents, but instead, I let them run me over. I have honestly just been feeling depressed about it. I had so much time; all I needed was the strength to fight for myself, but I didn't. I'm a failure. a coward and a loser, I failed not only myself but my parents.

In case I didn't mention it earlier, I was homeschooled most of my life, and because of that I lacked proper socialization, and I was not allowed to partake in any school extracurriculars like sports, band, being friends with other kids my age, etc., so that really stunted my growth, and now I regret it so much. There was a time when I asked my mom if I could go to school at age 12, and she told me no, but instead of keeping asking her until she eventually let me, I gave up like a coward. Now I constantly fantasize about what it would have been like had I done that.

Remember, there's no such thing as wasted time. People might say that that's just cope, but I say it's a strategic philosophy for living. It's my Ratboy Genius certified philosophy. It's really just about self compassion and noticing the beauty in the mundane.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like cope. I think you can absolutely waste time sitting on social media and doing nothing. I have wasted a lot of time, and I'm still a failure. I'm not feeling better. I have wasted too much time. I also hate constantly being online. I have no IRL friends left, and it's really left me with nothing but YouTube, Kiwifarms, and my own mental illness. So yes, wasted time is a thing.

Here's a quote I like: "Wherever you go, there you are." There seem to be conflicting interpretations, but my favorite is that happiness is found wherever you are.

a question I would ask the person who wrote that quote, "Wherever you go, there you are." What if you are in hell? Is happiness found there? Maybe that explains my issues.

By the way...I don't wanna just sound like a motivational speaker who has no idea what you've been through. I'm close to your age. Thinking about all this lowkey got me teary eyed lol. I won't pretend that I had it worse or I'm just like you, but your words really conjured flashbacks to my most miserable state of mind, which still haunts me

I'm in a miserable state of mind. I almost broke down crying earlier thinking about it, seeing other kids who succeeded and lived their dreams. It hurts, but not only that; it's kids who got normal, happy childhoods—they didn't have to watch their parents fight. all the time. What made it worse was that I was stuck at home 24/7, so I got to see my parents fight all the time. My mom put my dad through hell.

They would fight on New Year's and almost every day over money. I would be lying if I said that didn't affect me and the way I see the world. So I have brought that trauma into my adult life, and I haven't found a way to overcome it. It's honestly awful how I was robbed of a normal childhood by my psychotic mother. I could have very easily had a much better life if I had just gone to school or had some place to escape my terrible home life or some friends I could talk to about it, but I didn't have that.

What made it even worse is there were no visible signs of abuse. I was never beaten, and I smiled in pictures, and my mom was nice in public, but behind closed doors my parents hated each other, or at least it seemed that way. I remember my dad told me when I was older and had a mental breakdown, I don't want you to remember your childhood as your parents constantly fighting, but the sad reality is that's what I remember most. I will most likely always carry that trauma with me unless I can overcome and adapt in life, but it will probably be difficult.

Sorry if that's a long response; feel free to take your time while reading it. Also, thanks for the kind words.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I take vitamin D supplements... :,] I do think you're right about other reasons at play. My sleep schedule is inconsistent to say the least. I figure that's the most primary cause among others like you said

That is possible. I think, it is recommended to limit naps to one or two a day and no longer than 20 minutes. Also, a lot of times fatigue is caused by a low scale inflammation, but that is way harder to detect. Usually it is in a gut though.