- Joined
- Jul 28, 2024
I am 26 and have had OCD since 6. It bounced from various things, anything from organizational to harm to religious to relationships. I also had the "swear word/didn't say amen = hell" issue as a child which was likely the first signs something was wrong. My base obsession has always been contamination though. It practically crippled me from 2017-2020. I spent those years rotting on a couch. To avoid a very long, very unpleasant spiel about how awful that time was, I will start by saying it took me being severely suicidal to do something about it. I refused exposure therapy for years since you can't really "expose" yourself with contamination OCD. My behavior seemed rational to me at the time but what's not rational is scrubbing your arms for over two hours and dousing yourself in lysol.
I didn't know about Brain Lock. I really like The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou though, so when I found an album cover with Bill Murray's character on it, I looked into it and unfortunately heavily related to one of the songs. Turns out the title is also a book that deals with OCD, which I had read many of and thought were super fucking gay and retarded because it was all shit about exposure therapy and I can't do that. But I looked into it anyway and learned this was not about touching doorknobs and only washing my hands once, it was just about getting out of the thought process that prevented me from even trying.
I started insanely small in terms of exposure therapy It was not therapist led since the therapist I saw recommended I be hospitalized. There's a whole bunch of resources on it and starting a fear ladder which is difficult when you don't even want to say what your fears are out of fear that saying or thinking them will make them happen. So that would be the start of the fear ladder which was the hardest part - accepting that you do not have the power to make shit happen by just thinking about it or seeing it or thinking or seeing something related to it. Everything that comes after that gets a lot easier. The book (PDF of the actual important parts - Audio) boils down to a four step process.
Relabel - Recognize your thought is a result of OCD.
Reattribute - Recognize that the intensity and significance of this thought is a result of OCD.
Refocus - Rather than doing a compulsion or fixating on the thought, do something else.
Revalue - Recognize this thought has literally no meaning, it's just OCD.
Basically I "damn that's crazy"'d myself until it didn't bother me anymore. It sounds so simple and easy, and it wasn't when I was convinced I was so right in worrying, but it's exactly what I needed.
Everything after that was easier. I stopped washing my hands for hours, I stopped caring if the washer had been scrubbed with bleach several times before I could wash my clothes, I stopped dousing every surface with lysol. But what if I did get sick? Damn that's crazy cuh who cares. It happens, sometimes there's nothing I can do about it and that's alright. Knocked 25 points off the Y-BOCS score in a year to near subclinical range with a small resurgence due to risperdal for a co-morbid issue. Threw some zoloft at it and it went away again within two months. Rawdogging life since 2023 and it hasn't come back. I solved a nearly two decade issue by simply not caring.
At its root, OCD is a need for control. Control over your environment, your family, your relationships, your body, your thoughts, your mortality. It's control you simply do not have and while there are things you can do that can influence those things, it will never fully be up to you and your noggin throwing worst case scenarios at you daily is only trying to convince you that you do have control and it wants everything about your obsession off your mind now now now now now now!!! curse the intrusive thoughts, peace to everyone else.
It makes you do some irrational things under the guise of rationality. It's hard to accept letting go of those small bits of reassurance you get from compulsions but you will never be fully satisfied with it. You aren't even satisfied now since it still gives you anxiety so clearly those compulsions don't work, yes? The OCD will keep demanding more until there's nothing left for you to give it. From one OCD fren to another, there is a way through and it will definitely be uncomfortable but there is so much freedom waiting for you through such small steps.
I didn't know about Brain Lock. I really like The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou though, so when I found an album cover with Bill Murray's character on it, I looked into it and unfortunately heavily related to one of the songs. Turns out the title is also a book that deals with OCD, which I had read many of and thought were super fucking gay and retarded because it was all shit about exposure therapy and I can't do that. But I looked into it anyway and learned this was not about touching doorknobs and only washing my hands once, it was just about getting out of the thought process that prevented me from even trying.
I started insanely small in terms of exposure therapy It was not therapist led since the therapist I saw recommended I be hospitalized. There's a whole bunch of resources on it and starting a fear ladder which is difficult when you don't even want to say what your fears are out of fear that saying or thinking them will make them happen. So that would be the start of the fear ladder which was the hardest part - accepting that you do not have the power to make shit happen by just thinking about it or seeing it or thinking or seeing something related to it. Everything that comes after that gets a lot easier. The book (PDF of the actual important parts - Audio) boils down to a four step process.
Relabel - Recognize your thought is a result of OCD.
Reattribute - Recognize that the intensity and significance of this thought is a result of OCD.
Refocus - Rather than doing a compulsion or fixating on the thought, do something else.
Revalue - Recognize this thought has literally no meaning, it's just OCD.
Basically I "damn that's crazy"'d myself until it didn't bother me anymore. It sounds so simple and easy, and it wasn't when I was convinced I was so right in worrying, but it's exactly what I needed.
Everything after that was easier. I stopped washing my hands for hours, I stopped caring if the washer had been scrubbed with bleach several times before I could wash my clothes, I stopped dousing every surface with lysol. But what if I did get sick? Damn that's crazy cuh who cares. It happens, sometimes there's nothing I can do about it and that's alright. Knocked 25 points off the Y-BOCS score in a year to near subclinical range with a small resurgence due to risperdal for a co-morbid issue. Threw some zoloft at it and it went away again within two months. Rawdogging life since 2023 and it hasn't come back. I solved a nearly two decade issue by simply not caring.
At its root, OCD is a need for control. Control over your environment, your family, your relationships, your body, your thoughts, your mortality. It's control you simply do not have and while there are things you can do that can influence those things, it will never fully be up to you and your noggin throwing worst case scenarios at you daily is only trying to convince you that you do have control and it wants everything about your obsession off your mind now now now now now now!!! curse the intrusive thoughts, peace to everyone else.
It makes you do some irrational things under the guise of rationality. It's hard to accept letting go of those small bits of reassurance you get from compulsions but you will never be fully satisfied with it. You aren't even satisfied now since it still gives you anxiety so clearly those compulsions don't work, yes? The OCD will keep demanding more until there's nothing left for you to give it. From one OCD fren to another, there is a way through and it will definitely be uncomfortable but there is so much freedom waiting for you through such small steps.
