How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I just do not enjoy my time on this planet.

It sucks being forced to observe, never partake. The more I "go outside and do things" like I am told, the more I just hate being alive.

I genuinely missed tons of social-developmental milestones and I will never be able to make up for it.

I started doing food delivery again, and honestly I feel 10x worse. I'm older than most of my customers and I'm poor as fucking shit. I genuinely just keep thinking about driving the fucking car off a freeway on ramp.

Funny how everything I'm told to do, makes me feel 100x worse. Funny how that works eh?

What if you decided not to care that your customers are younger or have more money than you do? I'm not being flip, and I gather you carry a lot of frustration, confusion, and resentment that chirping "just don't think like that!" isn't going to fix. I know you missed out on certain things and that seems to burn a hole in your soul.

But. I'm just saying what if. What if every day you Stuart Smalleyed yourself? What if at the end of every day you paused and said no to the rumination about how bad it was/is/will ever be, and took a second to say I did a good job today and then stopped yourself from saying the habitual rest of the sentence about how it was awful, it was awkward, I missed out on so much, my life is shit and it will never be better? What if you made a conscious effort to stop the thoughts when they start running and force yourself to think nothing for 10, 20, 30 seconds, then do it again when the thoughts start again, over and over and over, and you don't stop even when you fail for the thousandth time?

(Ime, eventually - eventually - those thoughts get easier to stop before they run rampant, you find other things to fill those spaces, and you gradually have more arguments against them to make. And eventually there is less of a battle going on, and eventually those things that suck to endure like being out or around people suck a little less, and you may find things that you truly can enjoy in the moment, maybe even start seeking them out now and then. Eventually.)

Side question: you said it sucks always being forced to observe, never partake. Who is forcing that, and why?

 

[clara red bottoms]

Sometimes I feel like a nut.
And sometimes I don't.

 

[Liquid denim]

Feeling pretty angry and dumb, I never use ebay but search what I am after, and it appeared on a bid for some 200 bucks cheaper than retail. As soon as I finish making my account it rose 80 bucks more. The bid ends in a couple of hours and it is way past my budget right now.

 

[babadook]

It knocks

 

[Neighborhood Curmudgeon]

I'm good, but also hanging in there. Busier than I'd like to be, but that's life. In the meantime, and I know this will sound autistic, but I'm actually grateful that I don't have a social life. I don't feel like I've lost or am missing out on anything. Certain coworkers try to change my mind on the matter, but it never works.

 

[W00K #17]

Florida vs Auburn sportsball game was good, despite some ref fuckery. Quiet Saturday in chilling with the dog. Kinda chilly out, gonna make a fried bologna grilled cheese sammich with some tomato soup and chips later. Decent weekend so far.

Edit: holy shit this Houston vs Duke game! This is why I watch sports!

 

[DavidS877]

After dealing with weather delays and my mom(who is in skilled nursing and should be mobile enough to go home sometime this month) I have finally made like a bird and flew for the first time in entirely too long. If the bird is very noisy and spews lead fuel exhaust. I would share a photo but it would immediately phonebook me and where in Idaho, or Montana, or Washington, or Oregon, or Nevada, or Utah I live.

And tomorrow I collect all of the trash I brought back from seeing Mom and all my trash and batch it up for my big city dump(tm) trip hopefully next week.

 

[Liquid denim]

The bid ends in a couple of hours and it is way past my budget right now.

To follow up: I put a bid ten minutes before it ended, but ebay did not let me place it. It sold for an okay price and now I am angrier than earlier in the day

 

[DickMain]

Chilling on the couch sketching and hoping I can get a day higher than 50f here soon.

 

[The Ghost of Rarity]

My day started out iffy, I normally love rainy weather but it’s gotten to the point that it’s just depressing when I wake up and the sun isn’t out…however I did end up seeing a couple ducks on my way home and for whatever reason that made my whole day better

 

[Bothriolepis]

...however I did end up seeing a couple ducks on my way home and for whatever reason that made my whole day better

It's because ducks are fucking great. That's why.

 

[Core Theorist]

(…)however I did end up seeing a couple ducks on my way home and for whatever reason that made my whole day better

It's because ducks are fucking great. That's why.

I have it on good authority that the ducks at the park are free, you can just pick'em'up and take them home whenever you want. You can have like 43 ducks and nobdoy gives a shit.
You should grab the ducks.
Go!

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

People in general understand things neither me or other idiots like you will ever comprehend. Every blind man knows that sky is blue because everybody says that, even though no blind man has ever seen the sky or the blueness.
I can't understand what it is like to be a normal person, I'm deranged and empty.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

People in general understand things neither me or other idiots like you will ever comprehend. Every blind man knows that sky is blue because everybody says that, even though no blind man has ever seen the sky or the blueness.
I can't understand what it is like to be a normal person, I'm deranged and empty.

It wasn't always like this, was it? What made you happy before?

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

It wasn't always like this, was it? What made you happy before?

Feeling of progression and change, feeling of growth. They make me anxious, not happy, but at least it sediments all the stale.
I tried to productively spend my vacation looking for another job but for these two weeks there were only two interviews among other failed trials.
I'm still obsessed with a woman in relationship and the guy she dates is much better than me for all intents and purposes, so the choise is obvious. Even if it was otherwise, the heart is not to have it commanded.
But to be honest, I doubt I would be a good man to have an affair with, to date or to start a family with.
I'm not competitive neither on the labor market nor social interactions despite being a "good fella" and keeping the facade of a good fellow by not being a dick, which is not hard to me, because I would rarely hurt or would want to hurt anyone, and helping others. I'm a schmuck

 

[Mop_Bucket]

Woman I'm seeing has asked me to go to some event today in a city that is about an hour drive away. This would be ok but she has asked me to go to this city every weekend for the last two months. I get that she likes going there and wants to spend time with me but I work five days a week and spending every weekend driving two hours a day, to walk around the same part of town for 4 - 5 hours, on a fucking Sunday of all days, is driving me insane.

She told me she wants to move there, which is a fucking retarded idea, but I'm honestly at the point of just telling her to do it so we can cleanly break things off. When I was single for over six months, it was honestly heaven.

Other than that, three months sober, work sucks, but I'm taking a week off at the end of the month. I do get to take some pleasure watching my boomer acquaintances freak out about the stock market as if I can even access my 401k for 40+ years.

 

[Arv3k]

Other than that, three months sober,

Nice. Keep it up.

but I'm taking a week off at the end of the month

Tell your girlfriend that you're currently exhausted from waging and that you need a weekend to rest. Add in that you have a week off at the end of the month and can do some gay city shit then.

When I was single for over six months, it was honestly heaven.

Careful now. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

[obsdj]

She told me she wants to move there, which is a fucking retarded idea, but I'm honestly at the point of just telling her to do it so we can cleanly break things off. When I was single for over six months, it was honestly heaven.

Or you could be a grownup and just kindly tell her that you want to break things off, truthfully pointing out that you would prefer to be single at this time (and you don't want to hold her back from being happy in the city she wants to move to). What grown adult needs to wait for a woman to give him an excuse to break up when you can just go ahead and break up if that's what you want?

Good work staying sober. The longer you can keep it up, the less you'll want to relapse. Before you know it you'll be saying "I haven't had a drink in x years."

 

[Arv3k]

Or you could be a grownup and just kindly tell her that you want to break things off, truthfully pointing out that you would prefer to be single at this time (and you don't want to hold her back from being happy in the city she wants to move to). What grown adult needs to wait for a woman to give him an excuse to break up when you can just go ahead and break up if that's what you want?

It looks to me that he's just venting about it on a semi-anonymous board. I was honestly about to type something along the same lines as you, although mine was to be more "time is a finite resource so don't waste hers or yours". However @Mop_Bucket, if this poster is right and you have your heart sent on it, then their advice is what's best.
In the end, I'm pulling for you, brother. Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Mop_Bucket]

Or you could be a grownup and just kindly tell her that you want to break things off

It looks to me that he's just venting about it on a semi-anonymous board.

Pretty much the above, there are obviously more layers to the human condition than I am willing to post online. It is my intention to speak with her about these day long trips because I really do have a lot going on and need to be an adult and focus on life. But everyone fantasizes about being single when they're in a relationship and vice versa.