How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

long waters said:
Yeah, nobody wants to disappear, of course. That is just something we have to come to terms with eventually and something that we shouldn't let get in the way of enjoying things in life while we can.
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I understand.
For me, my brain sort of glitches when I approach the question of "what happens after you die?" because it's a bit of an oxymoron—in order to feel, you must be; and since I am not, I cannot be aware of the existence that I don't have? So what happens when the questions pops out of nowhere is that I "imagine" myself being devoid of stimuli: unable to see, unable to hear, unable to taste, smell, or feel anything's touch. There are no thoughts, nothing to perceive besides this so-called darkness.
And yet, funnily enough, I'm wide awake, with my eyes open, going on with my life. The "glitch," in a sense, stems from the fact that I am imagining a state of nothingness in the middle of something, similar to being hit with a blinding flash of light; expect it's the opposite. Not sure this has happened to others, but it is true that my mind is a little bit weird.
long waters said:
I like to think of it as if we are links in a very long chain reaching out into forever.
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I tried to think that, which is why I talked about how shitty the Internet is: how many people would I welcome into being part of this long chain? Not a lot, if I'm being honest. And yet, there are billions of people out there; is this not a coping mechanism? Everything is! And we're back to step one.
long waters said:
Perhaps heaven is just knowing that you've done what you could to make the world closer to what you perceive as the ideal?
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I know that one is not necessarily meant to prepare their entire lives in advance before they turn 25, but it's been tough to define myself as anything. I just want to be left alone, make enough money, and not be afraid of getting murdered.
There are two key things that I can say here, right now:
  1. Having failed academically, despite being not that far off schedule (a year or two, but who's counting), has been wrecking my mental health, which is expressed as a fear of dying [without having accomplished anything].
  2. I... don't really know what it's like to have someone my age be friends for me for longer than a decade. It forces me to go through things alone, and although both of my parents are alive, it is hard to have to rely on them for things friends should be able to do also. That explains my Beyond-Two-Souls-based "expression" over the years. Ugh.
Getmeout said:
Uh. Living is fun, I think? Idk, tbh, I still haven't figured out why exactly dying is bad. It just is ig.
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Some say that death is neutral because it doesn't "care," but that's a bit of a stupid argument because life doesn't "care" either; they're abstract concepts. If you think living is fun, then the inability to have fun should be anti-fun; but still, death implies you wouldn't be able to feel frustrated or disappointed that you can't have fun anymore.
 
I am going insane I hate uni. Honestly I just want to get a normal job at the mall where I don't have to think, why does everyone want me to have a "professional" job?
On top of the actual coursework that is difficult and feels pointless, I also hate that so many people know me here. I want to switch unis for my master's but mine has a good reputation and I don't wanna go somewhere worse. The other good one is too far away for my bank account.

I guess I need a whole makeover so no one can recognize me and start going by my second name or smth. What do you guys think? What if I dye my hair and lose 20lbs, would that be enough?
 
Otterly said:
What sets you off?
Is it losing control, or being confronted, or feeling like you’ve done wrong? If it’s not a PL. can you describe the two situations?
FWIW, being able to apologise afterwards is a massive start. If you can pin point exactly what sets you off then you can work on it.
For example if it’s looking weak, WHY is that an issue? Can you think of why that’s so very bad for you?
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Sorry this response is taking so long, I am struggling to adequately answer. Thank you for taking the time.

If I feel minimized or not at the helm of a situation I will respond with anger. The first incident, without going into detail, I responded to a perceived slight with a shouting match with someone I didn't even know and then didn't apologize to. The second time I made a mistake and at the very least inconvenienced someone and when that person very kindly confronted me about it, I responded with anger anyway.

And then I dread what's going to happen next because I assume everyone else is a vindictive dickhead with infinite time and resources to spend on messing with me personally. I know that's ridiculous and self-centered but it's the impulse. So I reach to be angry in the first place so that doesn't happen because if you're not strong you can be picked to pieces. I don't think that's a me-problem, either, I think that's true. Sometimes it works as a self-defense strategy. Acting like a belligerent asshole is a shortcut to that.
 
Nitro! said:
If I feel minimized or not at the helm of a situation I will respond with anger.
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These are two slightly different things but it would be worth pondering why they set you off.
Being minimised / belittled pisses me off too. I have someone who does that to me and yeah it’s unpleasant.
I don’t mind not being in control all the time, that to me is different, but perhaps you link it by someone taking control by insinuating you’re not capable which is like being belittled?
So can you think of the first time it happened? Most of these strong reactions are either the result of a single unpleasant time or a pattern of things that happened to you and made you feel helpless and unsafe.
Acting with anger is like you’re trying to get ahead of it, exert the standpoint that you are capable. It’s defensive - you are right there. But one day you may get hurt doing it.
You get out of this pattern of behaviour by recognising what triggers it and by catching it before the big reaction and having a set goal behaviour to divert to. It’s also nice to understand WHY you feel like that but not totally essential. If you play that interaction back how would you have ideally handled it? Is there a set phrase or action you could embed in yourself to stop it. A spacer behaviour can help (this is why counting to ten is a cliche.) a few set phrases to defuse, or counting, or breathing three times or anything, to give you space to engage the rational brain and think ‘is rage correct here?’
 
Man, I'm regretting accepting to come in on a Monday to do inventory. I could've just done tonight and have my three days off. But no, the incentive to have a little extra money was too much to ignore. I'm trying to stick to the positives of my decision, but I largely am regretting my decision too because I always hated working on days where I know I'm to be off.

And we got a new team lead. Unfortunately, my store hands these positions out like candy because it can't keep anybody worthwhile with good leadership. So we had this nigger come back to the team, he was with us for about a year, disappears for two and a half years. Comes back, not even a full month of proving himself, suddenly he's a team lead.

Motherfucker hadn't even proven shit, he spends most of his time dallying around and bumbling in the break room. This is a train wreck to happen.
 
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I hate being an autist who gets vivid and expansive ideas for shows that will never exist while I'm trying to sleep at 2am. Some of them are actually pretty good, too!
 
Movies have gotten so boring and predictable that I will not watch a lot of it. I think I've gotten to the point in life where I'd rather do anything else rather than watch modern TV show or movie.
 
Wigger Rights Advocate said:
I am going insane I hate uni. Honestly I just want to get a normal job at the mall where I don't have to think, why does everyone want me to have a "professional" job?
On top of the actual coursework that is difficult and feels pointless, I also hate that so many people know me here. I want to switch unis for my master's but mine has a good reputation and I don't wanna go somewhere worse. The other good one is too far away for my bank account.

I guess I need a whole makeover so no one can recognize me and start going by my second name or smth. What do you guys think? What if I dye my hair and lose 20lbs, would that be enough?
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You can absolutely reinvent yourself. It requires that you also reinvent your own approach. Drop the ghosts, drop the self-consciousness about past things; proceed along as if the past (including and especially your own mind about that past) doesn't exist.

Because frankly, it doesn't. All we have is now. You or others might cling to what came before, but you can ignore that.

Whether it's poundage or hairstyle or whatever, if you want to leave the past behind, just do it. But you have to leave it behind in your mind, first and foremost.
 
Doing alright ATM all things considered.

Just waiting on this china-based "support" for this remote controlled lawnmower I bought to send me a battery that, y'know, actually freaking works.

And the rear sight in my new pistol decided to leave the chat after 170-ish rounds in 25-ish minutes. It got a bit toasty. :story:
 
Core Theorist said:
I hate being an autist who gets vivid and expansive ideas for shows that will never exist while I'm trying to sleep at 2am. Some of them are actually pretty good, too!
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Get a notebook and keep it by or in your bed with a pen. Jot down your brilliance when you're experiencing it. Might do nothing, might alleviate some frustration, or might result in something actionable. Whichever, might be less frustrating.
 
Endless Blabbery said:
Having failed academically, despite being not that far off schedule (a year or two, but who's counting), has been wrecking my mental health, which is expressed as a fear of dying [without having accomplished anything].
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I'm sorry to hear, that is understandable you feel that way.
Endless Blabbery said:
I... don't really know what it's like to have someone my age be friends for me for longer than a decade. It forces me to go through things alone, and although both of my parents are alive, it is hard to have to rely on them for things friends should be able to do also. That explains my Beyond-Two-Souls-based "expression" over the years. Ugh.
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I don't think many people get to have friends that are by their side for multiple decades. Most of my friends that I had a decade ago have drifted away. Online friends that I've known for over a decade have also changed in time. Finding someone you can consider a true friend to share thoughts with for such long spans of time is a rare thing...
Endless Blabbery said:
I understand.
For me, my brain sort of glitches when I approach the question of "what happens after you die?" because it's a bit of an oxymoron—in order to feel, you must be; and since I am not, I cannot be aware of the existence that I don't have? So what happens when the questions pops out of nowhere is that I "imagine" myself being devoid of stimuli: unable to see, unable to hear, unable to taste, smell, or feel anything's touch. There are no thoughts, nothing to perceive besides this so-called darkness.
And yet, funnily enough, I'm wide awake, with my eyes open, going on with my life. The "glitch," in a sense, stems from the fact that I am imagining a state of nothingness in the middle of something, similar to being hit with a blinding flash of light; expect it's the opposite. Not sure this has happened to others, but it is true that my mind is a little bit weird.
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If you'll permit me a tangential rant. Being the kind of 'tard that I am, I often let things I read or watch or experience influence my current view of the world to some degree, like some capeshit soy type deal.
Recently, reading a lot of Lord of the Mysteries, a light-horror/mysticism themed novel series, there are two recurring themes throughout that I find interesting:
One is the notion of "Don't look at things you shouldn't see and don't listen to things you shouldn't hear". The other is the notion of "mental corruption" and that simply coming into contact with certain ideas or concepts might lead to such corruption. In the books, when someone attains enough power and ability, they might be able to resist these things better, (although in some cases it can be the contrary and they can be more easily influenced).
I find these two can be applicable to real life to a significant extent. The easiest example would probably be porn. Being here, we've all seen how EPI mentally corrupts the young and leads them on a dark path of depravity and troondom. An adult who has sufficient mental fortitude and experience would not be swayed in this way, they should be able to see it for what it is and not let it influence them so.

Perhaps your struggles with the concept of mortality and our temporary existence is kind of like the notion of looking at something you shouldn't see. Perhaps it's something that the current you can't fully deal with right now, and so you shouldn't be spending time dwelling on it, lest it takes a toll on your sanity to some degree. In time as your life experience changes, so to will your views on life and mortality.

This might be some roundabout way of saying "ye just don't worry about it bro", but I think it works. Sometimes when you can't figure out a problem, just set it asside and focus on things you can figure out, then way later as your subconscious is cooking you might come up with an answer.
 
long waters said:
One is the notion of "Don't look at things you shouldn't see and don't listen to things you shouldn't hear". The other is the notion of "mental corruption" and that simply coming into contact with certain ideas or concepts might lead to such corruption. In the books, when someone attains enough power and ability, they might be able to resist these things better, (although in some cases it can be the contrary and they can be more easily influenced).
I find these two can be applicable to real life to a significant extent. The easiest example would probably be porn. Being here, we've all seen how EPI mentally corrupts the young and leads them on a dark path of depravity and troondom. An adult who has sufficient mental fortitude and experience would not be swayed in this way, they should be able to see it for what it is and not let it influence them so.
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One of the first thing I learned when I came into this world was to mind my goddamn business and not be curious about things that doesn't concern me. It only brings trouble into your life

Here to complain again. My family are #1 China fan and it drives me up the wall. My father is 100% han chinese in ethnicity but I'm not and he keep pestering me to study and speak Chinese. I love him but it's like being subjected to the worst take of all time whenever he exist near me, like having a terminal case of politiposter who refuses to stop politiposting.

I genuinely hate people I surrounded myself with in my life. Some day waking up and knowing that this is my life for the next 20 years makes me want to kill myself. I also can't leave my father because I'm pretty sure he will kill himself if I do. I also hate how he knock up a woman with brown genes so I missed out on having 100% pure Chinese genes and also have to hear him praise China for the 20th time this week like please daddy the least you can do for me is give me better genetics. I feel awkward to also be #1 China fan when I don't pass as an East Asian.
 
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Tanking the Neogenesis Big Bang was infinitely easier than my job yesterday. I'll tell you plainly: I barely felt it happen due to the level of spiritual power that I have obtained and the absolutely wonderful women in my life (I'm a polygamist deal with it, I have 3 perfect wives) who swaddled me like a baby. I am 100% human down to the marrow of my bones, not a single cybernetic augmentation beyond some rebuilt teeth.

Yesterday truly was the darkest, most malignant, most harrowing day of my life hunting down those atrocities. We have unreal levels of security to ensure they and nothing like them may ever rise again. Yet today, for the first time in my life, I am finally off work.

Here, a song made specifically about me that I cannot hear. Just knowing it's playing soothes my soul.
 
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