Anyway, I went to a nightclub and a stranger put his hand up my skirt and picked me up by my vagina, like genuinely squeezed my junk for a solid 5 seconds. I ratted him out to the bouncer and he got kicked out of the nightclub, fine. I ended up flirting with the bartender and losing my virginity to him like 1 week later. It was very impulsive and stupid honestly. I just went to this strange dude's condo and consented to him fucking the shit out of me. I was 20, he was 29.
He totally could've murdered me lol, I was across the country on a co-op placement, far away from all my family and friends. But luckily he drove me back safe and sound to my campus dorm, and I went to work the next day like nothing happened.
The sex itself was very weird though. I was totally dissociated. I remember my head hitting against the bedframe, and not even noticing for ?however long, until Chad Bartender was kind enough to reposition me. I was breathing so deep and fast, not even because the experience was pleasurable at all, but just like anxiously hyperventilating, my hands became pins and needles and eventually went completely numb for a long time.
We rotated through about 10 different positions. It lasted about 2.5-3 hours. It just went on and on and on. I had the brilliant idea to fake an orgasm, thinking it would make him finish. Spoiler, it didn't work. I didn't have the words to be like, "okay I'm done". So we continued. Eventually he had me pinned in a weird prone position and he came and it was finally over.
I guess the thing I've struggled with over the years is, what can I even label this experience? I definitely consented, so it's not rape, and he's not a rapist. And I can't blame this guy for the fact that I got molested a week earlier, and I was in a bad mental headspace. I was definitely a shit sexual partner though, so like how did he not notice that I was mentally checked out and not enjoying myself?
But I've never really been able to move past the damn thing. For almost a full year afterwards, I was in this weird confused daze, like "wtf happened there, why did I do that, that was so out of character for me". I've had sex literally twice since then. No long term relationships.
Was it just... bad sex? grey zone-ish? I genuinely don't know.. it was just sorta unfortunate. I should probably go to therapy lol