How do I stop being miserable whenever relationships are brought up.

Crass887

Crass887

kiwifarms.net
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Jan 27, 2024
I've always been a lonely fuck, but thankfully throughout my life I made friends similar to me. It's been good to have good people there when things are rough. But as we get older, some of them start finally getting into relationships and here lies the problem.

I would've never considered myself an incel, just a lonely guy who only ever wanted someone. It's been the only thing I've cared about since I can remember, but I've always been too shy or awkward to ever have a chance at it. I got hugged a few times, out of pity probably, and that's it. The topic of relationship is something I have a hard time dealing with.

I usually just leave if the topic is brought up. But it's become clear now that the others are tired of it, of having to hide or avoid mentioning it when I'm here. Hangouts are difficult, I either make a last minute excuse to not show up or get completely fucked up on alcohol to deal with it. I also feel like I'm turning more and more into a jealous and hating person.

I don't want to be that kind of friend, but I don't know where to start. I've heard the advice to get therapy all my life over it but it's done nothing other than give me pills that make my dick useless. I know a lot of people here probably are in the same boat as me, I imagine some of you managed to get out of it.
 
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if youre approaching 30 or something and your friends are getting married and you have to run the fuck away every time their wife or gf shows up because it makes you feel miserable then youre pretty fucked (in the head). fix that first
if everything youve ever cared about is having a girl and youve never managed that then yeah that makes you a fucking failure. thing is, life doesnt have to be just about that, thats your decision to keep it that way. best thing you can do is stop fixating on it so much and get a life and the girl will come later. if you cant do this then logically and frankly speaking an hero is your best option
 
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Crass887 said:
It's been the only thing I've cared about since I can remember
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That's part of the issue there. Obviously you're going to hyper focus on that shit when it's all you care about.

I don't really like to go on at incels because it's fucking pointless, they prefer to stew in self pity but, incels, just like women who spend their lives fantasizing about marriage, never seem to realize that once you're in a relationship or married, you still have to be a fucking person with interests and a life outside that relationship/marriage. Like that shit's not an end goal.

Like I don't understand that shit at all. 'The only thing I care about is getting in a relationship' ok...then what? Like what happens once you're in a relationship? Then what do you do? Like you have no interests outside of 'being in a relationship'. Once you're in one, what is your life going to be?
 
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Grub said:
Like I don't understand that shit at all. 'The only thing I care about is getting in a relationship' ok...then what? Like what happens once you're in a relationship? Then what do you do? Like you have no interests outside of 'being in a relationship'. Once you're in one, what is your life going to be?
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You raise a good point, looking back at what I wrote, it does make it seem like there's nothing else. I do have hobbies and interests and a life instead of your typical NEET incel. It just is something that's omnipresent in my mind
 
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Go to a decent therapist to sort out what ever autism is causing you issues

I know 'muh mentals' is viewed as something that doesn't exist on kiwifarms by some and their solution is to "just stop being retarded" but the steps to "stop being retarded" is often a lot more complex than what they realize, especially when the individual in question has no idea what exactly is causing their issues. How are you going to deal with your issues if you don't even understand them?

Seriously go to a half-decent therapist, be honest with them and try what they say. By therapist I mean an actual therapist, a psych will just try to shove you on pills.
 
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Crass887 said:
You raise a good point, looking back at what I wrote, it does make it seem like there's nothing else. I do have hobbies and interests and a life instead of your typical NEET incel. It just is something that's omnipresent in my mind
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Fair enough. I still think trying to focus less on it would help with feeling miserable about it. I do understand it's hard when you have something that's constantly on the back of your mind and not thinking about it leads to feelings that you'll miss out the moment you're not thinking and stressing out about it but if anything the opposite may happen. Your subconscious has a good way of working on problems like that when you're not actively stressing about it and worrying about it.

I dunno if you play video games or not but it's pretty much the same idea as stepping away from the game for a bit when you get stuck on a tough part only to come back and find it easy when you've done something else for a while. I've found in life having that mentality towards things that stress me out or I'm struggling with in life with in general has helped a lot with just being able to regulate my emotions in general.

Not thinking about it all the time can help change your perspective on things because right now you're looking at everything and everyone through this lens of 'I want a relationship' just because it's something you're always at least semi focused on.

Honestly, all you can really do when you're miserable about something you can't change at present is just try not to focus on it. It can be hard. Also, as stupid and cliche as it does sound, trying to think positively really does help. This is also difficult but, trying not to think the worst of things whenever the topic of relationships are brought up.

Therapy is one of those things I'd be careful with. I'm sure there's some decent ones out there but the vast majority of them just want to sell you drugs and keep you coming back. I've had some good friends end up completely fucked up because they decided to go see a therapist about something and ended up being prescribed heavy anti psychotics that completely fucked up their brains. In one case it was to help him sleep.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is something you might want to look into though. Even just look it up online. It's something I think really anyone could benefit from learning how to do but especially if you're struggling with emotions or behaviours that are negatively impacting your life.
 
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This is why whores exist. It sounds like you're too mentally hung up on things, and part of that is from a lack of human interaction. Whores are humans, and they will happily provide the human touch. This isn't a long term solution obviously, but you need to overcome your mental blocks dude, and that requires exposure to women, even if they're only playing along for money. So get your release, then go out (don't get sloppy drunk), and just talk to women with no expectations. Bars, churches, wherever your hobbies are, Home Depot, wherever - random conversations with women.

That's the key, start off treating every woman you talk to like a potential buddy or maybe a work colleague who you have no romantic interest in or whatever - NO EXPECTATIONS. Women sense desperation from a mile away, so you avoid it by not engaging in a romantic way. Maybe one shows interest, maybe they don't - doesn't matter, just keep chatting them up in a friendly way and you will overcome your anxiety. Every once in awhile maybe you need that human touch again from Brenda in the trailer park to keep you on track, but eventually you'll get used to talking to real women that you have an interest in, and you'll start to recognize their signals.

Also, the obvious - make money and take care of yourself physically to increase your odds. If all of this sounds like too much work, then despite your claims otherwise you are an incel.
 
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Unarmed Gunman said:
This is why whores exist. It sounds like you're too mentally hung up on things, and part of that is from a lack of human interaction. Whores are humans, and they will happily provide the human touch. This isn't a long term solution obviously, but you need to overcome your mental blocks dude, and that requires exposure to women, even if they're only playing along for money. So get your release, then go out (don't get sloppy drunk), and just talk to women with no expectations. Bars, churches, wherever your hobbies are, Home Depot, wherever - random conversations with women.

That's the key, start off treating every woman you talk to like a potential buddy or maybe a work colleague who you have no romantic interest in or whatever - NO EXPECTATIONS. Women sense desperation from a mile away, so you avoid it by not engaging in a romantic way. Maybe one shows interest, maybe they don't - doesn't matter, just keep chatting them up in a friendly way and you will overcome your anxiety. Every once in awhile maybe you need that human touch again from Brenda in the trailer park to keep you on track, but eventually you'll get used to talking to real women that you have an interest in, and you'll start to recognize their signals.

Also, the obvious - make money and take care of yourself physically to increase your odds. If all of this sounds like too much work, then despite your claims otherwise you are an incel.
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Not sure if I agree on the whores part. I think he's angry not because he's getting any, but he thinks he should be getting some. Whores or easy sex is the last thing he needs. I agree with you on the desperation and showing interest part.

It is good that you are angry because you need to fix this. If you were apathetic, you'd be a lost cause. The way you'll resolve this isn't by focusing more on it, but improving your life further and being more social around women and enjoying their company rather than treating it as a have/have not binary when in their presence. So you need to be not avoiding that contact with their friends, and enjoy their company and enjoy who you are. If you can't then you'll be very off-putting to any potential partner.
 
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You need to learn how to be happy and fulfilled on your own. You can’t live a normal and stable life if your happiness hinges entirely on your romantic relationships because even if you do find someone the way you feel day to day is going to be based entirely on the decisions they make and the things they say.
 
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The first step is acceptance. Accept that right now you're kind of a little bitch, and that you won't be able to unbitch yourself unless you talk to a therapist because you never developed proper coping mechanisms or social skills.
 
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When I don't have a woman in my life, I want one. When I have a woman in my life, 80% of the time I want her to fuck off after a short time.

You don't even know what you want if you haven't had something or much of it. It's not all that. Either it's part of your life or it isnt.
 
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