How do I stop being miserable whenever relationships are brought up.

Crass887

Crass887

kiwifarms.net
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Jan 27, 2024
I've always been a lonely fuck, but thankfully throughout my life I made friends similar to me. It's been good to have good people there when things are rough. But as we get older, some of them start finally getting into relationships and here lies the problem.

I would've never considered myself an incel, just a lonely guy who only ever wanted someone. It's been the only thing I've cared about since I can remember, but I've always been too shy or awkward to ever have a chance at it. I got hugged a few times, out of pity probably, and that's it. The topic of relationship is something I have a hard time dealing with.

I usually just leave if the topic is brought up. But it's become clear now that the others are tired of it, of having to hide or avoid mentioning it when I'm here. Hangouts are difficult, I either make a last minute excuse to not show up or get completely fucked up on alcohol to deal with it. I also feel like I'm turning more and more into a jealous and hating person.

I don't want to be that kind of friend, but I don't know where to start. I've heard the advice to get therapy all my life over it but it's done nothing other than give me pills that make my dick useless. I know a lot of people here probably are in the same boat as me, I imagine some of you managed to get out of it.
 
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You will probably come into your own and gain some confidence as you age. But I will tell you this, using alcohol as a coping mechanism will only make things worse. I can emphasize with you though. I understand that it is probably painful to feel like you’re left out. I’m not sure what your friend group is like. Sometimes group dates are fun. If any of your friends have a girlfriend that could fix you up with someone. But if you openly appear to feel sorry for yourself, that’s not going to help. So try your best not to do that. I wish you the best of luck. And please don’t get drunk as a means to deal! You could be going down a path towards alcoholism.
 
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Think more in concretes, less in abstracts.
Questions like "How do I stop being miserable" or "How do I become happy?" are abstracts.
Look at something in your life, and ask yourself instead "What is making me unhappy with this?" or "How could this be better?"
I tend to be a bigtime navel-gazer, thinking about my life in terms of broad strokes and abstract questions with no real concrete answer, but it's all the little things that pile up around you that weigh you down, and I tend to find that I only wallow in abstract doom as a reflexive way to avoid the fact that I'm wallowing in literal piles of laundry and my ash trays are overflowing.
So sometimes I have to slap myself and run the washing machine, count my fingers and toes, and thank the big rock with a hole in it that I'm not too diseased or infirm to enjoy doing stuff for stuff's sake.
I mean, maybe you are, whatever.
Abstracts man, fuck 'em.
See to the specifics of your life, known only unto you.
 
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Keep trying to meet that special someone, until then enjoy your single life.

I don't know what kind of hangouts you're talking about, if it's with several people and cringe, then stop, also quit alcohol & don't pay for Tinder/etc (dating apps and sites are cancer).

Most importantly, don't get taken advantage of.
 
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Crass887 said:
I would've never considered myself an incel, just a lonely guy who only ever wanted someone. It's been the only thing I've cared about since I can remember, but I've always been too shy or awkward to ever have a chance at it.
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You seem to think a relationship couldn't ever happen to you, but that's not true- in fact that's exactly why it can. From a situation in which nothing can happen, suddenly anything is possible again.
 
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You are not in competition with your friends nor do they belong to you. Their gain is not your failure. If you cannot be happy for you friends when they succeed where you fail you are not their friend.

You should also throw away the bottle because once it becomes the solution for your problems you begin to have many more problems in which you believe it is the only solution.

The most succinct dating advice I can give you is that whatever you are currently doing is obviously not working and you need to take a very hard look at yourself physically mentally and spiritually and be open to the idea of changing fundamental aspects of who you are.
 
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Stop focusing so hard on getting a relationship and instead focus on improving yourself and your interests. The more you improve the more likely you are to find someone to be in a happy relationship. Become happy with your life and things tend to fall into place.
 
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Agreeably4263 said:
You should also throw away the bottle because once it becomes the solution for your problems you begin to have many more problems in which you believe it is the only solution.
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Especially this. You'll be amazed how different things can be without alcohol. It won't magically fix everything and You'll still have to work on everything, but it will guaranteed give you a clear head and better perception.


Also, if you haven't, learn to let go of the pain of the past. You don't live there, neither does anyone else. If you missed a few milestones, fuck then, you can't put it in reverse and get a redo. Focus on the ones you'll pass by if you keep looking back.
 
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Probably not something you'd think you'd enjoy but I really recommend Lindy hop/ West Coast swing classes. Classes are usually structured so everyone rotates regularly with different partners, so you get to socialise with a wide variety, the demographic trends younger than styles like linedance or rock n roll and because it is a lead/follow social dance, you actually learn to 'read' your partner's body language.

I know it can be daunting to try, but my experience is most are very welcoming, and most guys are uncomfortable and extremely uncoordinated to begin with.
 
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I know a lot of replies on this are quite cynical and mean but to be serious for a second, have you considered trooning out? I did and its worked wonders for my dating life.
 
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