How does it feel to have social anxiety?

[Cats]

I was talking to one of my friends the other day about a big group of us going to a college alumni event in town and she said she would love to but as I was going to talk about the travel logistic plans and size of the event etc she offhand mentioned something related to her having social anxiety. I think it was more of a joke at the time but it actually managed to get me thinking about it pretty hard..

I'm not trying to be mean at all or make fun of anyone or anything like that but does anyone here have that? How does it feel? Are you scared people are going to harm you or something? or is it totally different? I guess I should ask, what is the root cause or reason that you feel anxious to meet new people and hang out etc. or make friends. Like for me I can't imagine a more fun thing to look forward to than a big social gathering and thinking about this the other day made me realize that I feel genuinely sad for ppl who are anxious about stuff like that :{ it made it sink in for me that there are actually people who can't do things like, go to concerts or socialize at clubs or just walk around the mall possibly meeting people or talking to them etc. Not even just in a flirty sense or whatever, but in general.

I understand if someone don't wants to admit it but I am really curious to hear how it feels from someone who has it.

 

[From The Uncanny Valley]

I'm anxious! socially!

 

[Chilson]

I'm not trying to be mean at all or make fun of anyone or anything like that but does anyone here have that?

Trying not to powerlevel, but yeah I do. I have learned to get over it, so its not really a problem anymore but I can give you a pretty good description of it from someone who has been through the worst of it.

How does it feel?

Awful, every time a social situation involving new people or large groups creates a painful knot in your stomach and you can only think of the negative social situations that could occur. Generally stressing you out until you are finished meeting with them or until you find some way to avoid it (avoidance is something you should ironically avoid as it only makes the problem worse).

When I had to go out in public or into social situations, I generally stayed quiet and tried to blend into the background to not draw attention and initiate social interaction.

Are you scared people are going to harm you or something? or is it totally different?

Totally different. Your afraid of embarrassing yourself, violating social faux pas and creating general awkwardness with the new people you meet. You don't want people to dislike you, so you can't help but think of all of the ways you can fuck up and make them dislike you. Which causes stress and a self fulfilling prophecy to an extent.

You also never feel like you did particularly well in any social situation, even if you did actually do well.

I guess I should ask, what is the root cause or reason that you feel anxious to meet new people and hang out etc. or make friends.

The root cause is simply being born an introvert (which is genetic) and not being properly taught to socially interact as you grow up (which is environmental upbringing) either because you lacked peers your own age or you had peers but was never socially challenged (or suffered some social trauma of differing severity). A lack of true social experience and the social connections you develop as a result become a major block for socially anxious people later in life.

People who are socially anxious avoid social situations, which means they lack experience and the social structure to help make new friends, meet new people, etc. As I said, I have gotten over that to an extent by just putting myself out there and moving beyond my comfort zone, but it does require effort and acknowledgement of the problem. Even now I am really not super comfortable with social situations, but I can put myself out there if I try and that is pretty good for people with social anxiety.

There are also cases of extreme social anxiety that require medication/therapy to properly treat, but your friend probably doesn't sound like that kind of case. I am not either, but just pointing out they exist.

 

[Blouie]

I don't even think I have it that badly but it sucks and I hate it.

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

It feels like you're a rabbit running from a giant.

EEEEP EEEP EEEP EEEP EEEP EEEP

 

[Osmosis Jones]

It helps a lot to realise most people don't give a shit. People who do give a shit either care about me or waste too much of their own time thinking about how much they hate me which is a win in my books.

 

[Cats]

Trying not to powerlevel, but yeah I do. I have learned to get over it, so its not really a problem anymore but I can give you a pretty good description of it from someone who has been through the worst of it.

Awful, every time a social situation involving new people or large groups creates a painful knot in your stomach and you can only think of the negative social situations that could occur. Generally stressing you out until you are finished meeting with them or until you find some way to avoid it (avoidance is something you should ironically avoid as it only makes the problem worse).

When I had to go out in public or into social situations, I generally stayed quiet and tried to blend into the background to not draw attention and initiate social interaction.

Totally different. Your afraid of embarrassing yourself, violating social faux pas and creating general awkwardness with the new people you meet. You don't want people to dislike you, so you can't help but think of all of the ways you can fuck up and make them dislike you. Which causes stress and a self fulfilling prophecy to an extent.

You also never feel like you did particularly well in any social situation, even if you did actually do well.

The root cause is simply being born an introvert (which is genetic) and not being properly taught to socially interact as you grow up (which is environmental upbringing) either because you lacked peers your own age or you had peers but was never socially challenged (or suffered some social trauma of differing severity). A lack of true social experience and the social connections you develop as a result become a major block for socially anxious people later in life.

People who are socially anxious avoid social situations, which means they lack experience and the social structure to help make new friends, meet new people, etc. As I said, I have gotten over that to an extent by just putting myself out there and moving beyond my comfort zone, but it does require effort and acknowledgement of the problem. Even now I am really not super comfortable with social situations, but I can put myself out there if I try and that is pretty good for people with social anxiety.

There are also cases of extreme social anxiety that require medication/therapy to properly treat, but your friend probably doesn't sound like that kind of case. I am not either, but just pointing out they exist.

It's okay. You safe talking about it here in deepthoughts my dude. and i DID ask, after all. anyone who picks on people for that in this thread I'll pee Cat Pee on you

Thank you for sharing! I am so sorry you have to live with that. I am really glad that your anxiety isn't so severe that it requires meds or is overly debilitating and yeah I am pretty sure she is similar but I don't really know or have many friends that even talk about it. I never really thought about it much until recently. like I said i know it's sort of a meme or whatever but I genuinely feel horrible for people who look at social situations through a lens of fear or apprehension.

It is really good that you have tried to just push through it but I totally understand if it's just like, not something you enjoy doing. no reason to force it then. Do you do things like go to concerts or big events at all? and if you do does that knot in your stomach happen more Before or During? Do you like dwell on it beforehand and dread stuff? I know I used to feel that way before big tests I wasnt well prepared for. or big days at work (sometimes had a really big shitstorm I had to walk into and knew it was coming etc)

I think the embarrassing yourself thing is soemthing everyone worries about to some extent. I know even as an extrovert I worry about it sometimes in some situations I think it is completely normal.

 

[Plantation Barbie]

It's awful and it's lonely.

 

[Otterly]

Like for me I can't imagine a more fun thing to look forward to than a big social gathering and thinking about this the other day made me realize that I feel genuinely sad for ppl who are anxious about stuff like that
It’s not fear, I just find it really draining and unpleasant. If i have to for work I can go to meetings and pretend to be sociable but I just don’t like it. It isn’t fear, I can only describe it as an unpleasant onslaught. Like having the TV on all the time, blaring away, you just want to turn it all off after a while. No I don’t go to events, or concerts. Or parties, or gatherings. I’m just quite solitary
Also - I’ve come to the conclusion that people dont like me. Well it’s not they hate me, I’m just someone who people don’t seem to want to see again. Always have been, never had groups of friends at school or uni and I don’t now. I think I’m just a bit odd and that’s Ok.
Current year has made it all worse. I almost never meet people who share my outlook life, and when you meet people and they’re bellowing current year söy-based talking points I just shut up. The last time I very mildly told someone I didn’t know that I thought that actually no, men shouldn’t be in the women’s toilets they tried to get me fired. I no longer say even the mildest things to anyone I’m not 100% sure of. Ironically some of the Americans I work with are proper guns and god types and they I think I’d get on ok with but they’re just voices on a phone.
I’m becoming a bit of a recluse as I get older. I know plenty of people but I think I don’t really have what a lot of people consider to be friends.

 

[No Memory]

Also - I’ve come to the conclusion that people dont like me.

This was a tough cross to bear until I remembered that I don't like 99% of people.

 

[Iron Jaguar]

All I'm going to say is that you should never marry someone who has social anxiety. It's a fucking nightmare.

 

[Chilson]

It is really good that you have tried to just push through it but I totally understand if it's just like, not something you enjoy doing. no reason to force it then.

No, you have to force it. Human beings are social creatures and in order to get anywhere in life you have to be social. Wallowing in your anxiety is far more unhealthy than learning to live with it.

Do you do things like go to concerts or big events at all?

I can go to such events, I just don't derive the sort of enjoyment that others would from being apart of such a large group. As long as I am not the focus, its generally okay and I am not anxious at all.

and if you do does that knot in your stomach happen more Before or During?

Both.

Do you like dwell on it beforehand and dread stuff?

Before and after.

I know I used to feel that way before big tests I wasnt well prepared for. or big days at work (sometimes had a really big shitstorm I had to walk into and knew it was coming etc)

Its sort of like that I guess, I wouldn't really know because ironically I don't have test anxiety.

I think the embarrassing yourself thing is soemthing everyone worries about to some extent. I know even as an extrovert I worry about it sometimes in some situations I think it is completely normal.

Its different in the sense that introverts are far more highly sensitive to social stimuli, while extroverts are far less sensitive. Socially anxious people get overwhelmed by the social stimuli and we interpret it in a almost wholly negative manner. The embarrassment you might feel would be 100 times worse for someone who is socially anxious, even when we consciously know its not a big deal.

Like for me I can't imagine a more fun thing to look forward to than a big social gathering and thinking about this the other day made me realize that I feel genuinely sad for ppl who are anxious about stuff like that
It’s not fear, I just find it really draining and unpleasant. If i have to for work I can go to meetings and pretend to be sociable but I just don’t like it. It isn’t fear, I can only describe it as an unpleasant onslaught. Like having the TV on all the time, blaring away, you just want to turn it all off after a while. No I don’t go to events, or concerts. Or parties, or gatherings. I’m just quite solitary
Also - I’ve come to the conclusion that people dont like me. Well it’s not they hate me, I’m just someone who people don’t seem to want to see again. Always have been, never had groups of friends at school or uni and I don’t now. I think I’m just a bit odd and that’s Ok.
Current year has made it all worse. I almost never meet people who share my outlook life, and when you meet people and they’re bellowing current year söy-based talking points I just shut up. The last time I very mildly told someone I didn’t know that I thought that actually no, men shouldn’t be in the women’s toilets they tried to get me fired. I no longer say even the mildest things to anyone I’m not 100% sure of. Ironically some of the Americans I work with are proper guns and god types and they I think I’d get on ok with but they’re just voices on a phone.
I’m becoming a bit of a recluse as I get older. I know plenty of people but I think I don’t really have what a lot of people consider to be friends.

I am in the same boat brotha. Current year "understanding" of social anxiety has only made things more difficult for the socially anxious. Even as someone who has more or less dealt with it like me, its like walking into a fucking minefield and most times it is just not worth walking into it.

 

[WhoIsSutterKane]

it sucks but i think it's a natural defense against a toxic society with very few people who share my moral code

 

[Lemmingwiser]

@Cats
People often confuse social anxiety and introversion. People with anxiety are shy and pay a higher cost for engaging socially, particularly with unknown people. People that are introverted don't experience the same internal rewards from social gatherings, particularly large ones.

For a male I have relatively high level of anxiety. However I am also extraverted. I really enjoy social engagements. I am socially well liked and a charmer. But sometimes I decide to not go, simply because it's taxing.

Anxiety I presume feels comparable to everyone, it's just the level of anxiety that is different.

A good way to think about it is walking on a straight line painted on the floor. It's not hard.

Now do the same action while the situation makes you anxious. For example, it's on a cliff or skyscraper and if you step off the line you fall down to your death.

Suddenly the simple activity is different by the anxiety. You have a pit your stomach. Yoh start sweating. Simple activities become hard. It's harder to think straight.

Some people feel anxiety more accutely than others. In general the same anxiety can also catch signals that others miss. I usually know someone is pregnant before they tell me, or if people just had a fight etc.

This also makes social encounters more taxing sometimes because you're more aware of other people's state, which might be miserable or other negative emotion.

 

[Nuclear Poisoning]

Current year "understanding" of social anxiety has only made things more difficult for the socially anxious.

What do you mean with the current understanding?

 

[Lemmingwiser]

What do you mean with the current understanding?

Probably talking about tiktok diagnosis

 

[WelperHelper99]

Mine is relatively under control due to medication, but for years as a little kid, I was scared if my parents left me alone in the house for no reason. It made me a bit awkward in school, but with help I overcame it.

Probably talking about tiktok diagnosis

This shit pisses me off. A proper diagnosis means you're on meds and doctors are absolutely everywhere in your buisness. It's hell. Saying this shit for points is cancer

 

[WhoIsSutterKane]

@Cats
People often confuse social anxiety and introversion. People with anxiety are shy and pay a higher cost for engaging socially, particularly with unknown people. People that are introverted don't experience the same internal rewards from social gatherings, particularly large ones.

For a male I have relatively high level of anxiety. However I am also extraverted. I really enjoy social engagements. I am socially well liked and a charmer. But sometimes I decide to not go, simply because it's taxing.

Anxiety I presume feels comparable to everyone, it's just the level of anxiety that is different.

A good way to think about it is walking on a straight line painted on the floor. It's not hard.

Now do the same action while the situation makes you anxious. For example, it's on a cliff or skyscraper and if you step off the line you fall down to your death.

Suddenly the simple activity is different by the anxiety. You have a pit your stomach. Yoh start sweating. Simple activities become hard. It's harder to think straight.

Some people feel anxiety more accutely than others. In general the same anxiety can also catch signals that others miss. I usually know someone is pregnant before they tell me, or if people just had a fight etc.

This also makes social encounters more taxing sometimes because you're more aware of other people's state, which might be miserable or other negative emotion.

Social anxiety doesn't make you an introvert but all introverts have social anxiety.

 

[Cats]

This was a tough cross to bear until I remembered that I don't like 99% of people.

it sucks but i think it's a natural defense against a toxic society with very few people who share my moral code

I completely understand this line of thinking but Can I just say that I also think this may be just a little bit of a trap that we let ourselves fall into sometimes? I know how and why a person could come to the conclusion that "most people are awful" but there really is a lot more Good among our neighbors than a hyper-cynical reaction to seeing...I guess the best way to put it is "Repeat Awfulness" in society...would hint at. I hope that makes sense? I know it is a cliche response but it really is true I swear it. again I feel empathy for when I hear people say that everyone sucks and they are better off staying away from them because they could be missing out on so many good interactions that may reinforce their beliefs the other way around. Like, if you are sad or lonely just please do not isolate yourself.

I know all about hardcore pain that seems to last forever but I also know how much more damage that can do if it stews alone inside you.

Though I am definitely not trying to be insufferably motivational or tell anyone how they should feel or act, just sharing my thoughts.

@Cats
People often confuse social anxiety and introversion. People with anxiety are shy and pay a higher cost for engaging socially, particularly with unknown people. People that are introverted don't experience the same internal rewards from social gatherings, particularly large ones.

For a male I have relatively high level of anxiety. However I am also extraverted. I really enjoy social engagements. I am socially well liked and a charmer. But sometimes I decide to not go, simply because it's taxing.

Anxiety I presume feels comparable to everyone, it's just the level of anxiety that is different.

A good way to think about it is walking on a straight line painted on the floor. It's not hard.

Now do the same action while the situation makes you anxious. For example, it's on a cliff or skyscraper and if you step off the line you fall down to your death.

Suddenly the simple activity is different by the anxiety. You have a pit your stomach. Yoh start sweating. Simple activities become hard. It's harder to think straight.

Some people feel anxiety more accutely than others. In general the same anxiety can also catch signals that others miss. I usually know someone is pregnant before they tell me, or if people just had a fight etc.

This also makes social encounters more taxing sometimes because you're more aware of other people's state, which might be miserable or other negative emotion.

I am sort of afraid of heights a bit so that made a lot of sense to me actually. But then I started thinking about other things in my life I could relate it to and remembered that I also had stage fright to a relatively large degree when I was younger so if I tried to perform my music around people, I would get horribly anxious and then my fine motor skills would suffer greatly and it would lead to a downward spiral of anxiety where I would worry about embarrassing myself, which would lead me to sucking more, but then alone in my room I could play perfectly.

I definitely understand that feeling inside and out because it took me years to beat it and, actually, still to this day it can sneak back up in shades if I am in the wrong mood.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

It depends on the person. For me it's about not being able to relate and communicate, as well as fear of the unknown. Words are hard, especially in person. I stammer, I repeat myself, but most of the time I don't have anything to say. I find it hard to relate to people which tends to be a conversation ender.

With a big group, or a new setting different people have different expectations on how you should behave. If you can't pick up on social cues or body language as easily it's difficult to adjust. You may go out to a concert for instance and understand that you do x and you don't do y. It's obvious and common sense. It may be obvious to you, but not to everyone. For someone like me I don't have a clue. Since I know I don't pick up on cues easily it means doing something really stupid you can't take back is much more likely.

The big deterrent is the response of being in a high stress situation. Let's say I go out to a club and nobody bothers me. I'll end up sitting in a corner, palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. I end up staring into the corner of the room and I don't even know I'm doing it until I catch myself. I try to think of a good time or a good way to talk to someone and the only way I can see it ending is with them thinking I'm weird. The lack of confidence ends up making it weird if I try because people pick up on the anxious body language. That's assuming I can speak at all. If my brain just shuts off because it gives up it's like doing everything you need to speak but nothing actually comes out. Then comes the self doubt because I see everyone else having a good time and I wish I was too. Or I notice that it's been nearly an hour and I haven't said a single thing to anyone. I get mad at myself which makes everything even worse. It all feeds into itself until my hands go numb and I start to shake. Then I either pass out or vomit and wonder why I even bothered going out in the first place just to embarrass myself and ruin it for the people who invited me along.

So the next time someone tries to invite me to go out to a big event I just remember what happened the last time I tried that and decide it's probably not worth the trouble. Then I get mad at myself for never socializing, feel lonely, and the cycle continues again. Hope that shed a bit of light for you.