How many people start or stay in romantic relationships for the wrong reasons?

[Lord of the Large Pants]

As I get older and see my friends in the various stages of their dating/marriages... I guess it just makes me wonder. I have friends who seem to be doing well and genuinely enjoying the person they're with, and I have friends who are trapped in obviously loveless marriages. And I have friends who seem to just be sort of going through the motions due to inertia, not really happy, but not really unhappy.

I know that the initial honeymoon period eventually gives way to quieter love, and that's fine. But still. How many people are in relationships for the wrong reasons? Because they're afraid of being alone? For financial security? Because they're horny and don't care who they have sex with? Because they're trying to baby trap? Or maybe just because they think being in a relationship is what society expects of them. Whatever it is.

Maybe "the wrong reasons" isn't the right way to put it. Maybe if you have a kid with somebody, you stay with them even if you hate their guts. Or maybe it's okay to like someone for their money as long as it's not the only thing. I don't know. But you get what I'm saying.

If you don't have a genuine desire to be with that person, and it's something that doesn't go away, I would think that's not really a very good relationship. But is it common to do it anyway? Or is that the exception? Are most people truly happy with their choice, especially long term?

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have terminal autism and don't fully understand this thing you humans call "love". I know this must come as a shock to many of you.

 

[Idiotron]

I have terminal autism and don't fully understand this thing you humans call "love". I know this must come as a shock to many of you.

To quote Michael Jackson:
"You are not alone."
I found out over the years that you can approach love from a really autistic perspective and honestly, if you do make the effort and learn things like the typical autist would learn the complete lore of Warhammer 40k, you can surpass the normies and be a better lover than they could ever be.

How many people are in relationships for the wrong reasons? Because they're afraid of being alone? For financial security?

Are those specific ones the wrong reasons though?

If you don't have a genuine desire to be with that person, and it's something that doesn't go away, I would think that's not really a very good relationship. But is it common to do it anyway? Or is that the exception? Are most people truly happy with their choice, especially long term?

It's common short term but long term, especially today with how easy it is to get a divorce, it doesn't last.
The people under 40 I know who are together 10+ years and started families, those people are together for life.
Even a serious argument that would end any situationship will get resolved.

 

[Shig O'nella]

"Wrong reasons" are personal. Your wrong reasons ain't mine, mine ain't yours, so you can really only explain your own relationships.

Having said that, it's usually a mix of habit and sunk cost that keeps any couple together - including the ones that love AND actually like each other during the rough patches. There's always rough patches, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or writes for Disney.
You're used to each other, worn in to each others little ways like a pair of old boots to your feet. It's comfortable. Sure, you could change shit up but that takes time, money and effort.

 

[Chilson]

At our core as human beings we are pack animals. We desire social interaction because being in groups helped our survival as a species. So we can't ever get away from being around our own kind and its something we desire on an instinctual level.

Surviving is just the first step though, the second is continuing the species through procreation. As pack animals, we compete for viable mates within the pack. Men through shows of strength, intelligence, endurance ect. skills that will generally show they have the ability to bring home the bacon for their mate(s) (we are not a monogamous species at our core, but DO NOT take that to mean I support degenerate polygamous/cheating practices). While women compete through demonstrating their social skills, ability to rear children, and general physical viability to survive pregnancy (which were quite deadly not too long ago).

I am simply setting the stage for why socially and biologically we end up with the "wrong" people, because all the above traits I mentioned aren't really that important to being with someone you like. They are traits that we favor because they make for better parents, but not better partners. So a lot of people end up with someone who might be a great parent, but they have no actual compatibility with beyond that. Not to mention that is only for the "best" mates, everyone else who is either "mediocre" or "low quality" typically settle with mates of their own caliber, which leads to a lot of resentment over settling from both parties.

Trying to describe love is far too complex and I would be here all day and probably be wrong. So I am not even going to bother, its a "you know it when you have it" kind of feeling. Something that is born in the Biological sciences and conflict, but ascends beyond to a higher more noble space of existence.

 

[VF-1S Valkyrie]

There's always rough patches, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or writes for Disney.

I feel like this is a big part of this issue. A lot of people I see lamenting the self-destruction of their long term relationships often just have completely fucked up expectations for what it actually means to maintain that kind of relationship. It's like people have lost all ability to work for a relationship, and declare the entire thing a failure the moment it stops being 100% conflictless fun.

 

[Rudy Coleman]

just keep them around until the pleasure you get from fucking them is outweighed by how annoying they are

 

[Ratboy Genius]

Slight power level time~
I know firsthand about this: sunk cost fallacy is a big thing that can keep one in a relationship. "I know I need to break up with them, but we've already been together 3 years..." It's weird mental gymnastics but unfortunately powerful. Also codependency as another factor. From what I know it can have different effects. As for, ahem, a friend of mine, it was kinda like "I hardly have any friends apart from them, so if we break up, who else will I have?" Or like "If we break up, I'll still have to see them every day because of _______ and that would be painful."
That being said, this is all based on anecdotal conjecture but I feel like these issues are probably pretty common? How can they not be?

 

[Dawdler]

I stayed in because I was too afraid to leave for something better even when I felt absolutely lonely sleeping in the same bed. I got ditched anyway at worst possible moment so that was the end of that as well. Bad relationships are like a sinking ship and you only have one bucket. One of you is gonna have to put in all the work. Life sucks, but you don't have to suffer and can just walk away from this. It may be better or worse, doesn't matter. If you stay you'll stagnate and be miserable to your death.

 

[Vibromatic Heart Bed]

My understanding is that a lot of people stay in less-than-optimal relationships because they're scared of the shitshow that is the modern dating/hookup scene. They'd rather stick with what they know and try to work on it.

I complain to my coupled friends all the time about how the dating apps are rigged, sexual predators are everywhere and nobody wants to commit to a relationship. In return, my unhappily coupled friends complain to me about how their boyfriends are lazy around the house, they play videogames instead of spending quality time together, and they don't come to support them at their career/artistic events.

I could not tolerate being in that type of relationship. And my friends could not tolerate being single and navigating the dating scene. We each don't want what the other has. It's like the opposite of "the grass is greener on the other side".

 

[Shig O'nella]

We each don't want what the other has. It's like the opposite of "the grass is greener on the other side".

Get together with your mates and throw all your troubles into a bowl and you'll all wind up picking your own back up.

 

[Sky Observer]

I believe a lot of them have a wrong reason because their goal of "being in A relationship" instead of "being with someone you love" is doomed. They want a concept of a relationship instead of having someone specific in their mind, so they view everyone around them as a potential love of their life which causes them to make a bad choice or keep chasing a fairy tale. They have gamified all life out of being in love and turned it into a checklist and a bunch of retarded mind games. I don't know, I always found it as something that should happen without you actively seeking it or trying to speedrun the process like they do now.

 

[Cybertonia]

Maybe if you have a kid with somebody, you stay with them even if you hate their guts.

All of my friends whose parents ultimately divorced would disagree with that. To them it just added a whole lot of unnecessary cruelty and hardship to their lives. For some it turned their whole childhood into one gigantic bad carnival ride.

 

[Kel1 shi1]

just keep them around until the pleasure you get from fucking them is outweighed by how annoying they are

For most men the sex dries up before then and they hang around hoping it will come back. It doesn't.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

For most men the sex dries up before then and they hang around hoping it will come back. It doesn't.

Unironically check your testosterone or get a prettier wife. That's not natural.

 

[Rudy Coleman]

For most men the sex dries up before then and they hang around hoping it will come back. It doesn't.

i have never had this problem

 

[Trump's Chosen]

Nobody knows. We approach these questions, but we don't know if we break up whether we'll find someone new and better. We don't know if we'll be happier alone. A stable loveless relationship may be prefferable for a number of reasons. The relationship may rekindle and find new territory. It might be nothing but an incremental decline.


I think one thing I learned about relationships is there is only one direction relationships go and that is forward. By that I mean that you can never go back to what was. Some kind of shit happens, cheating, kid dying, you find something about the other that you didn't want to know or be true. At that point you have a choice to find a new way to relate to each other or to end the exercise alltogether. The old relationship is dead either way but there is potential for renewal and building something new if both are invested and flexible enough.

Every hard rule I thought would be good to follow, I've encountered an example where it doesn't hold true. It's good to know the guidelines and consider them strongly, but it's also good to see them as part of a whole and not make yourself blind by staring at one rule you think should be followed.

This is one of the like three things that makes relationships so hard for autists to navigate.

To answer some of @Lord of the Large Pants questions directly:

If you don't have a genuine desire to be with that person, and it's something that doesn't go away, I would think that's not really a very good relationship. But is it common to do it anyway? Or is that the exception? Are most people truly happy with their choice, especially long term?

Yes, it's common. Marriage fot example is primarily for two things: raising children and tribal harmony. The history of marriage is connected to the history of agriculture. Prior to agriculture we don't have proof of 2 monogamous coupling as far as I know. Like making lots and fences, it's a way to prevent infighting over partners.

Yes, it's common for people with low desire to stay together. Their lives are intertwined in a number of ways and detangling that is a stressful situation of change, as I'm sure an autist can relate to like few others. When psychologists ranked the stressfulness of different life experiences, on top of the list were two things: death of a family member and divorce.

You ask if most people are truly happy with their choice long term. I consider the question flawed, because broadly people aren't truly happy in general. The US was built not on happiness, but the persuit of happiness. This was very wise wording of the founding fathers, as there is more to be found in the persuit of happiness then there is in the ephemeral and often fleeting moment of happiness itself.

We often end up chasing moments of happiness, like a first hit of heroine, that we remember. This is also what makes relationships work even if they aren't as fulfilling as the initial experience of bliss. You're mining for more of what you found before. And with patience and love, you might actually find more of it and new versions of it in the same person.

To end with I always think of a quote from a spanish movie. Water is a plant, if you don't water it, it dies.