How to live a truly happy life?

Is it not a bit of an oversimplification to boil down something as complex as a successful courtship/marriage to a 0/1 reward pathway?
Okay, then make the example something simple and binary. Winning a competition, getting a college degree, being hired for a particularly good job - it's all variations on the same theme and it all works exactly the same way.
 
Funny - I skimmed the first time so didn't see this reference and wondered if you were Buddhist/ reading Buddhism. Stoicism / Buddhism is my favorite crossover.

Really great comment btw.
Really depends on if you think being contented and being happy are the same thing. If not, and they're somehow mutually exclusive, then you're right. But if you consider contentment to be happiness, or a form of happiness then no because contentment is a long-term achievable state, the threshold for which can be considerably altered by life experiences and emergent circumstances.
I find that contentment is very much a deeper, more abiding happiness.

I used to think "contentment" sounded like death, settling, stagnation. With a better sense of self, I find the opposite. It is instead a motivating and encouraging state of being that brings more opportunities for both happiness (in the fleeting sense) and real joy. In my world, contentment isn't a static place, but an energy stirrer, and expansive.
 
Probably not the best person to be answering this but fuck it.

I think the issue is modern society places way too much emphasis on happiness as a be-all/end-all of life. I just don't get it. It's one single emotion in the pantheon of human experience.
The best artists weren't "happy", well adjusted guys.
Good parents probably weren't happy all the time, but if they did a half decent job they probably gave you the happiest moments of your life.
Any person who fought or died for anything higher than themselves probably didn't live a life of leisure, but they did something at least.
I'll have my dream job, x amount in savings, a wife and kids, nice house, be renowned, ect.
People dedicate their entire lives to some of that shit or think there's something wrong with them for not having the "benchmarks" in modern human society, but half the time the people who have them are surprisingly just as miserable as the ones who don't.
That's not me coping by saying "Millionaires can be depressed too and attractive white women really have it the worst".
But there is some truth to it.
The person working in some esteemed field is probably overworked and has constant pressures, or might make a lot less than you'd imagine they would.
People who become rich often spend beyond their means on shit they don't need to fill a hole in their life
Spouses can cheat or abuse their partners even in the best of times. Parents often have to set aside things personal goals or things they want to raise healthy children.
And people sell their souls for some online clout that can go away in a second.

That's not to say you shouldn't try to reach for any of those things, but thinking some CEO/twitch streamer/tradcon family man is in some constant state of zen usually leads so many people to go for the same goals without ever wondering if that will bring them any personal happiness.

I just think happiness is such a nebulous concept when describing what people really want.
Do you want to be content? That's easy. You can be someone who works 16 hours a day doing what you love even though it barely pays the bills. Or you can just not want a whole lot.
Do you want to achieve some grand goal or "be somebody". You can do that, but that won't always make you happy.
Do you want family or connections with people? Also doable but as long as you place your happiness on said connections you'll consistently be hurt if you hit a bump in the road (I speak from experience on that one).

Instead of people asking "How can I be happy?" they should usually go with "How can I be less miserable?".
If you get away from shitty people, stop reading the news all the time, get out of some job that makes you miserable, stay physically active and enjoy some nice weather when you can you might not be happy but you won't need to be looking for the feeling as much.
Also lack of shame.
Miserable people want you to be as unhappy as them. Said people usually gravitate to politics.
Enjoying a beer every now and then, having a dumb hobby people might shit on, dressing how you want and just trying to live a little without feeling like you're a loser for enjoying what you like might help. Just keep it in moderation.
 
Live life as if you know the end of your story and in the end you win so there's no reason to let anything shake you because you know you win in the end.

House burns down? No big deal, just part of your story, you win in the end.

Fired from your job? No big deal, just part of your story, you win in the end.

live-it.gif
 
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Read the Bible, the Stoics, the Existentialists, Schopenhaur, Robert M. Pirsig, the Tao Te Ching, Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Siddhartha, Michael Kirkbride, Henri Poincare, Jordan Peterson, The Inner Game of Tennis, The Happiness Hypothesis, and The Comfort Crisis.

Or have kids and make it their problem.
 
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Funny - I skimmed the first time so didn't see this reference and wondered if you were Buddhist/ reading Buddhism. Stoicism / Buddhism is my favorite crossover.
I found the particular segment of one of his letters that really cemented this relationship for me, its really clear theres a bit of Buddhism in it, whether he knows it or not.
But let me share with you as usual the day's small find (which today is something that I noticed in the Stoic writer Hecato). Limiting one's desires actually helps to cure one of fear. ' Cease to hope,' he says, ' and you will cease to fear.' 'But how,' you will ask, 'can things as diverse as these be linked?' Well, the fact is, Lucilius, that they are bound up with one another, unconnected as they may seem. Widely different though they are, the two of them march in unison like a prisoner and the escort he is handcuffed to. Fear keeps pace with hope. Nor does their so moving together surprise me ; both belong to a mind in suspense, to a mind in a state of anxiety through looking into the future. Both are mainly due to projecting our thoughts far ahead of us instead of adapting ourselves to the present. Thus it is that foresight, the greatest blessing humanity has been given, is transformed into a curse. Wild animals run from the dangers they actually see, and once they have escaped them worry no more. We however are tormented alike by what is past and what is to come. A number of our blessings do us harm, for memory brings back the agony of fear while foresight brings it on prematurely. No one confines his unhappiness to the present.
 
Get married to a good person. Have kids. Don't worry about things you can't change, change the thing you can.

First one is a gamble, YMMV.
 
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Happiness (in the context of happiness being a reliable and recognizable sensation) is not possible, especially if you're someone like me who doesn't even fucking understand what "living in the moment" is supposed to mean. From what I can glean, the thing people call "happiness", is something that can only be experienced in the moment. It is a fleeting sensation of contentment that goes away literally the same point in time that you notice it, never something to be savored.
You’re right. I frame it as one is so distracted from their normal distractions, they are fully immersed in some sensation or emotion that makes them momentarily overlook the abstract concepts of their past and their future obligations. You’re also right that it is over as soon as you realize you’re in that zen state. Chasing these moments isn’t really as wise as creating a life with enough comfort and stability that one can lapse into such states.

There’s a line from a movie I try to keep in mind:

“Bill dropped his keys on the counter and stood there staring at them. He wondered how many times he had dropped them there before, how many days of his life were wasted repeating the same tasks and rituals in his apartment over and over again. But then he thought, realistically, that this was his life, and the unusual parts were spent doing other things.”

At least for me, what brings me joy is avoiding falling into habit. In the movie, Bill has a harrowing existential realization I wish to avoid. Ironically, my life provides me enough comfort that I could easily fall into habit, and not notice 10 years passing until some routine task makes me think about how stuck in a routine i had been. We all need more unusual parts of our lives that we spend breaking our habits.
 
Dude, stop being so ardently sad.
There's a difference between being sad and realizing the essential nature of human psychology/motivation. Buddhism, the Old Testament, and philosophers from every era going back to the Greeks ALL contended with this issue - it's only modernity that is aberrant in believing otherwise.
 
You’re right. I frame it as one is so distracted from their normal distractions, they are fully immersed in some sensation or emotion that makes them momentarily overlook the abstract concepts of their past and their future obligations. You’re also right that it is over as soon as you realize you’re in that zen state. Chasing these moments isn’t really as wise as creating a life with enough comfort and stability that one can lapse into such states.

There’s a line from a movie I try to keep in mind:

“Bill dropped his keys on the counter and stood there staring at them. He wondered how many times he had dropped them there before, how many days of his life were wasted repeating the same tasks and rituals in his apartment over and over again. But then he thought, realistically, that this was his life, and the unusual parts were spent doing other things.”

At least for me, what brings me joy is avoiding falling into habit. In the movie, Bill has a harrowing existential realization I wish to avoid. Ironically, my life provides me enough comfort that I could easily fall into habit, and not notice 10 years passing until some routine task makes me think about how stuck in a routine i had been. We all need more unusual parts of our lives that we spend breaking our habits.

"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
[...]
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach."

In full:

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock​

BY T. S. ELIOT

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma percioche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question ...

Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair —
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin —
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? ...

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet — and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
 
There’s a line from a movie I try to keep in mind:

“Bill dropped his keys on the counter and stood there staring at them. He wondered how many times he had dropped them there before, how many days of his life were wasted repeating the same tasks and rituals in his apartment over and over again. But then he thought, realistically, that this was his life, and the unusual parts were spent doing other things.”

At least for me, what brings me joy is avoiding falling into habit. In the movie, Bill has a harrowing existential realization I wish to avoid. Ironically, my life provides me enough comfort that I could easily fall into habit, and not notice 10 years passing until some routine task makes me think about how stuck in a routine i had been. We all need more unusual parts of our lives that we spend breaking our habits.
Funny enough, Stranger Than Fiction was the one movie that actually improved my life the most. I watched it right around the time I first started an account here. I thought about what I would do if I had one year left to live and while I didn't achieve anything grand or really have that many memorable days, it was the closest I ever got to changing my life around if for a short period of time.
Wonderful film that doesn't get it's dues.
 
I gave this some thought and after thinking about it, happiness (in between subjective and objective) is something eternal. I was thinking as I was watching my son play "Im happy right now, so I could die happy right?" but clearly I couldn't despite being happy as my job wasn't finished. I got memories that will always carry with me that make me content/joyful/calm even to my death like when my son was born and so I think "happiness" in this context is like the opposite of trauma. The same way trauma curses a soul, "happiness" blesses it, it'll be something that carries on eternally even if it was just short moment in one's life.

Don't think happy is the right word for what I am thinking of, but people describe happiness as something like this, not some momentary thing that you will probably forget about tommorow. I am nigger if a word for this exists and im being ignorant.
 
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