I Asked Reddit Why Trans Guys Like Me Keep Getting Ghosted - Because people are too polite to tell freaks to fuck off.

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I Asked Reddit Why Trans Guys Like Me Keep Getting Ghosted

The subreddit /r/dating_advice didn't hold back, but I actually found the replies strangely cathartic.

By Lee Hurley


Internet dating when I was a lesbian was infinitely easier than how it is now as a trans man. Granted that was years ago when only saddos partook and the rest of the world hadn’t joined in to ruin it for us. Ghosting wasn’t even a word back then, let alone a tolerated behaviour.

Now dating online is like rifling through the bargain bin in your local supermarket – you scan the aisles quickly for something that catches your eye with little attention paid to anything else. Swipe, swipe, swipe.

But dating as a lesbian was more understood, too. People know what that means. As a trans guy, the majority don’t seem to know what to make of me, so they run away. I’ve played around with the big reveal and I know the two are linked. It’s hard not to see a connection when you arrange a second date, drop the T bomb and then she cancels in the next breath.

So, I did the most obvious thing to try and understand what was going on – I asked randoms on Reddit. “Why do women vanish when I tell them I'm a trans guy?” I posted on /r/dating_advice, an advice forum with 1.1 million readers. That might sound like a recipe for disaster – and yes, I was prepared for nasty replies. They did come, but not in the volume I expected.

At the start of my dating adventure following the end of a three-year relationship, I had profiles on three different dating apps but only stated I was trans on one. I racked up the likes on Tinder and Bumble – nothing exceptional, but enough to know I wasn’t repulsive. Things were significantly slower on OKCupid where I had stated that I was trans.

I won’t lie. It got to me for a while. I’d be chatting with a woman, making her laugh and seemingly getting on well. Then I’d tell her and she’d vanish. Over and over and over. Before dates, during dates, after dates, it didn’t matter. The result was almost always the same.

When I went back to collect the comments on Reddit for this piece, I was glad I’d saved some because many had been deleted. Determined not to take the horrible posts to heart, I actually found it all quite cathartic.

One of my personal favourites was the person who told me they would ghost me because I seemed too insensitive to people being “squicked out” before revealing “that kind of thing squicks me out”. (By “thing”, I assume she meant me.)

Another said: “A woman born a woman is always a woman, no matter what. The women on the dating apps are not interested in dating other women so they vanish because they are interested in me.”

It made me feel sorry for those who have such a limited view of how gender and sexuality works and it helped me realise that it isn’t, actually, anything to do with me. It’s a societal problem, theirs not mine. I mean, how do you counter someone who thinks an Adam’s apple is an essential component in a mate?

What also struck me was how a lot of the replies were penis-centric: “It’s probably the genital issue,” replied more than one. Another answered: “I would assume it’s the thought that you don’t have a penis that puts them off." I have a drawer full of dicks, a size to suit every pleasure and not one of them has ever failed to get up, get hard, or get her off. Not something I can say for these all-singing, all-dancing, superdicks that cis men are apparently endowed with. But is that all sex is to a ton of cis het people? And all men are worth? A penis to go in a vagina? Seriously?

The suggestions on how to address this ‘problem’ were varied. One helpful user informed me I should find some lesbians to date, presumably because of their well-known love of hairy men like myself, as they assumed (wrongly) that I hadn’t had lower surgery.

More than one accused me of trying to trick potential mates by not declaring my transness upfront. I didn’t check their dating profiles but I assume they’ve listed every medical condition they have on theirs. I noted how they didn’t seem to expect a man who’d lost a testicle to cancer, for instance, to declare that upfront on his profile, nor a woman who might have lost breasts to the same disease.

Women obviously want a ‘real’ man, I was told – one born that way. As I was born a woman, I’d always remain one I was told by someone else. Perhaps these potential dates wanted children, I was informed. Yet we don’t require anyone else declare their fertility status on their profiles, so I doubt that’s the real reason either.

The overriding sense I got from the replies was one of ignorance about trans people and while most of the offensive and ridiculous replies are now gone, there was some hope in the others that remained.

“I keep clashing with people because of this but I honestly don't think that trans people are obligated to put their transsexuality [sic] as a disclaimer in front of each and every potentially romantic interaction,” wrote one woman.

“I know I'd be uncomfortable as hell if I had to disclose what my genitalia look like or what my fertility status is to complete strangers. I wouldn't expect a guy with a micropenis to tell me about it before any feelings could possibly develop just because I might not want to have sex with him after finding out.

“I can't think of any other bedroom issue that is seen as having to be discussed that early on.”

That, really, is the whole issue in a nutshell. We hold trans people to a higher standard than anyone else when it comes to dating. We require of them more than we ask of others, all while constantly sending the message that trans people are somehow ‘less than’.

The reality is, being trans is a magic sorting hat. As tough as it is to have people vanish when you tell them who you are, it does me a favour. By telling them that one thing about me, their reaction tells me everything I need to know about them.

I should probably message them to say thanks.
 
I Asked Reddit Why Trans Guys Like Me Keep Getting Ghosted

The subreddit /r/dating_advice didn't hold back, but I actually found the replies strangely cathartic.
this is one of the greatest openers I've ever read on a A&N article


HAHAHAHHAHA THE ARTICLE IS EVEN BETTER
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"How Trans Men have been affected by the dating pool"
Source: myself
 
Another said: “A woman born a woman is always a woman, no matter what. The women on the dating apps are not interested in dating other women so they vanish because they are interested in me.”

It made me feel sorry for those who have such a limited view of how gender and sexuality works and it helped me realise that it isn’t, actually, anything to do with me. It’s a societal problem, theirs not mine. I mean, how do you counter someone who thinks an Adam’s apple is an essential component in a mate?
What an idiot. There's a whole lot you're missing more than just an Adam's apple and your inability to understand that makes it your problem, nobody else's. Lesbians want actual women, men usually want actual women, most troons troon out because they couldn't get with women normally but think pretending to be one with get them their lesbian fantasy. Nobody wants a fake man. It's all a joke.
 
“I keep clashing with people because of this but I honestly don't think that trans people are obligated to put their transsexuality [sic] as a disclaimer in front of each and every potentially romantic interaction,” wrote one woman.
Boy, the violence is going to get extreme if this mindset carries the day.

And I mean violence towards troons and pooners who do pass. As usual, the rest will just be avoided and snickered at. But almost no trannies will ever be happy because they all want something impossible.
 
I have a drawer full of dicks, a size to suit every pleasure and not one of them has ever failed to get up, get hard, or get her off. Not something I can say for these all-singing, all-dancing, superdicks that cis men are apparently endowed with. But is that all sex is to a ton of cis het people? And all men are worth? A penis to go in a vagina? Seriously?
There's a difference between a penis and a dildo, you dumb pooner.
 
I won’t lie. It got to me for a while. I’d be chatting with a woman, making her laugh and seemingly getting on well. Then I’d tell her and she’d vanish. Over and over and over. Before dates, during dates, after dates, it didn’t matter. The result was almost always the same.
The suggestions on how to address this ‘problem’ were varied. One helpful user informed me I should find some lesbians to date, presumably because of their well-known love of hairy men like myself, as they assumed (wrongly) that I hadn’t had lower surgery.
I'm pretty sure most straight women want a man, not some chick who cut her tits off and had her flesh rolled into a sausage around a catheter so she can piss standing up.
 
Context: Lee runs the Daily Cannon, a big Arsenal blog. It used to be called LadyArse when Lee still presented as a woman. Lee used to get a massive amount of the usual shit for being a woman who had opinions on football. Don't know how many of the Cannon readers are now aware that Lee is the same writer from them, but Lee has been open on the blog about transitioning and why she renamed the site.
 
It made me feel sorry for those who have such a limited view of how gender and sexuality works and it helped me realise that it isn’t, actually, anything to do with me. It’s a societal problem, theirs not mine. I mean, how do you counter someone who thinks an Adam’s apple is an essential component in a mate?
It is not the Adam's Apple it is the fact that you are a biological female with profound mental illness presenting as a compulsion to mutilate yourself.

This is actually one of the more honest admissions from one of these wretches. "Society is wrong. I am right. Society needs to change!"

Usually they try to hide their true beliefs in I am just born this way.

Naw bitch something made you this way.
 
F-M troons have it the hardest. At least M-Fs may have the occasional gay man who'd fuck the dickless faggot but F-Ms in the other hand occupy a niche no-one wants to play ball with. Men don't want her because on their perspective, that is an ugly woman. Gay men don't want the troon because everything about 'dude' is a chick. Women don't want that man because she cannot function like one.

Troonism has been a mistake, the Magnus Hirschfeld institute deserved to burn.
 
It’s a societal problem, theirs not mine. I mean, how do you counter someone who thinks an Adam’s apple is an essential component in a mate?
No it's you, not society you weird pooner.

The woman aren't thinking about the Adams apple, they're thinking about the penis, testicles, height, muscle, and bone structure that makes a man.
Women obviously want a ‘real’ man, I was told – one born that way. As I was born a woman, I’d always remain one I was told by someone else. Perhaps these potential dates wanted children, I was informed. Yet we don’t require anyone else declare their fertility status on their profiles, so I doubt that’s the real reason either
You dumb bitch, not everyone knows their fertility status until they actually try to have children. Even then you can get help with that. You will never create sperm, no matter the medical intervention used.

That, really, is the whole issue in a nutshell. We hold trans people to a higher standard than anyone else when it comes to dating. We require of them more than we ask of others, all while constantly sending the message that trans people are somehow ‘less than’.
No, you've based yourself on a lie, a very big one. This isn't lying about being over 6 feet when your 5'10''. People can get over that. They cannot get over the fact there is a weird woman dood trying to tell them some surgical rotdog horror makes her just the same.

You are less than.
 
I like how the author is trying so hard to reason with people about finding her gross and unattractive. "No, I don't have a real dick, but I have plastic penises! They're WAY more reliable than a REAL penis!" It's pathetic. People like what they like, and they don't want a fake man with a fake penis.
 
Becasue a woman isn’t ’ IF long Hair and frock THEN woman’ and a man isn’t ’IF Adams apple and penis THEN man.’ Woman and men are wholes, it’s the whole package. Women are atttracted to a multitude of attributes of the state of man - size, shape, smell, a thousand small mini-cues. Like men are attracted to a thousand small cues across the senses.
The author is a woman. It doesn’t matter that she’s balding, or has a flesh sausage stapled to her crotch. She’s a woman. No straight woman would be attracted to her. Very few gay women would either becasue she’s dressed up as a man.
How can they not see that it’s not individual characters you can switch around like meat Lego? (Yes I know, autism and no theory of mind…) it’s like those cartoons where bugs bunny puts a nice hat on and lipstick and it fools everyone. I remember the first time one of my kids got the joke to that cartoon - they were maybe just three, and they suddenly yelled THEY THINK HES A GIRL MUMMY! HAHA!
Are there so many adults in existence with less theory of mind than a toddler? No wonder the world is fucked
 
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