I identify as Australian

You will never be a real Australian. You have no shrimp, you have no barbie, you have no Vegemite. You are an American twisted by drugs and surgery into a crude mockery of an Ozzie.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back people mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your “friends” laugh at your pasty appearance behind closed doors.

Real Australians are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed Australians to sniff out frauds with incredible efficiency. Even Americans who “pass” look uncanny and unnatural to an Australian. Your inability to shitpost is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get an Australian home with you, he’ll turn tail and bolt the second he finds out you don't actually like AC/DC all that much.

You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll round up a gang of "bushrangers," make a set of homemade armor, and die in a shootout with the cops. Your parents will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with your true nationality, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know an American is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a skeleton that is unmistakably American.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.
 
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Dyn said:
@Soapism prove it, repeat your OP in the Australian thieves cant of your choice and not just a smattering of mainstream Australianisms that 4chan seppos have picked up from getting bantered at.
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Good idea. If old mate is as Aussie as they claim, they'll have no dramas with this simple test.

1. Who's this cunt and why is he famous?

probablyadropbear.jpg


2. Which number comes next in this sequence?

13
00
65
55
..

3. What is ScoMo alleged to have done at Engadine Macca's in 1997?

4. Johnno has just announced to his mates that he's going to the bottlo for a slab. Shazza asks him if he can pick up some durries for her while he's there.
a) where is Johnno going?
b) what is he buying?

5. Dazza just rocked up home in his VT Commo and one of the back wheels looks different to other 3. His mum has the shits on because the cops have just been around asking if she knows anything about the single peggers being laid around nearby streets.
a) Is Dazza's mum right to be sus about Dazza?
b) What's the longest possible single pegger you can lay in a 3.8 VT Commo if you dump the clutch at 5k revs?
 
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Pee Cola said:
Good idea. If old mate is as Aussie as they claim, they'll have no dramas with this simple test.
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Taut eh tim vig su et delo rektub klat, or some mad hectic eshay yarns. I'd even accept a bit of the old rhyming slang if he's a boomer.
 
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