Dear Sexplain It,
Like many folks, quarantine gave me space to process gender identity, and long story short: turns out I'm a nonbinary trans guy. My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, and he has been incredibly supportive, but figuring out the bedroom is hard. (Ha.) He's no labels but definitely pretty hetero, and I'm apparently queer as fuck.
For the first time, we're considering non-monogamy, and I'm honestly terrified. This is my ride-or-die man, and I'm very much a "sex and emotions are all tied up together" person—so the thought of either of us sleeping with anyone else is a lot. However, he doesn't want to be pegged by a transmasc anymore than I want to do the pegging as a cis woman, and it feels critical that we find ways to support each other as we navigate these extremely uncharted waters.
Sex is only one small aspect of our relationship, but it's an important one; I also can't compromise on my identity, and I wouldn't want him to compromise on his, either. We're early days, and my anxiety's giving me hell. Other people must have gone through this, but we feel pretty alone right now. Apart from reading The Ethical Slut and giving ourselves time and space to process, talk, and keep talking, is there anything else we might be able to do to help each other figure out our new normal?
— Genders Gone Wild
Dear GGW,
It’s clear how deeply you love each other. That's part of why you're so anxious, I think: You love your husband, but you also want to have sex with other people, and you're worried those two things can't exist simultaneously. It's a totally common concern for people considering non-monogamy, but I want to remind you that opening your relationship isn't about making a choice between your husband and someone else; it's about loving your partner deeply and having other affirming experiences. Plus, when you're able to have those other affirming experiences, you'll probably end up having an even stronger relationship with your partner.
You're already reading and talking about non-monogamy, which is great. I have a few more ideas for ways to make the next steps more approachable.
Think about how to take baby steps as you open your relationship. Doing stuff without your partner is often a recipe for jealousy, so don't go balls to the wall by hitting up sex clubs on your own or sleeping over at a date's place every other night. Perhaps the two of you can find a partner for a threesome, or head to a swingers party where you can have sex right beside each another. There are so many ways your non-monogamous relationship can manifest, so lock down what feels the best for you both. Remember, it can always change as you both begin to feel more accustomed to your open relationship.
You'll probably still feel some degree of jealousy (and/or other uncomfortable emotions) no matter what arrangement you choose. Just remember these feelings are natural. Instead of trying to prevent them—which will basically be impossible if you're pursuing non-monogamy—do your best to anticipate them whenever possible and sit in the discomfort until you accept them. You and your partner can remind each other that you're not trying to hurt each other; even if you're seeing people separately, you're working together to build a love life that works best for both of you.
I also want you to try this exercise that polyamory educator Leanne Yau (a.k.a. Poly Philia) recommended when I showed her your question. “I would encourage you and your husband to write down your worst fears and come up with a contingency plan if those things do end up happening.”
Opening your relationship is undeniably scary because of all the potential what ifs. What if he falls in love with someone else and leaves me? What if I fall in love with someone else and have to break his heart? What if neither of us can get over our jealousy? Talking out these scenarios doesn’t just empower you by giving you an “action plan” in case one of your fears comes to life; it also helps to come up with little things you can do daily to mitigate your concerns. Say you’re afraid he may fall in love with someone else and leave you. What can he do to make you feel more secure in your relationship as he sleeps with other people? Perhaps he doesn’t sleep over at their place? Or he simply needs to say more often how much he loves you and how much you mean to him?
Another great aspect of sharing your fears is learning that your partner likely has many of the same fears. Ironically, it can actually be less daunting when you both share the same concerns. Going back to the example above, let’s say he is also afraid of you leaving him for someone else. You may respond, “That’s absolutely ridiculous! I would never leave for you someone else.” And he may say, “Yes, I feel the same way. I’d never leave you!” You may be more likely to believe his words if you both feel the same way.
GGW, I'm wishing you both the best of luck! Given the way you two navigated your coming-out, I have all the faith that you'll continue to work together as an all-star team, no matter how your relationship evolves.
