Hoo, boy, I wish I saved a list of all the useless crap I've sent him. Just about every pickle scented or flavored novelty I could find, I've sent him - my personal favorite being a pickle air freshener. I've sent he funny postcards with pictures of hunky men on them. I've sent a few funny illustrations of him I printed, and mailed in official looking envelopes. A few times I've ordered adult diapers to be delivered to his home. I've sent him catalogs for bidets, incontinence products, male enlargement products, impotence products, and gay singles classified ads - all in official looking envelopes. I sent him sampler-sized packet of baby wipes, and sample packets of laundry detergent with a love note about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS. I sent him catalogs of products and clothes for morbidly obese people. I sent him a bunch of non-working Xbox and 360 games over the years. I sent him a bunch of fake coupons for "one free boyfriend" or other stupid things like that. A few times I've sent him birthday cards saying he was 4 or a girl. Oddest stuff I've sent were plastic utensils, floppy disks, scratched CDs, pickle jar lids, and other flotsam with non-threatening stuff like "Christian Weston Fatboy" written on it, in a padded envelope so it seemed like he was getting something important. A few times I sent Barb a whole bunch of coupons for cleaning products. About the only nice thing I ever sent was a few Burger King certificates to Bob, and a card thanking him for the funnel. Geez, what else...? I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff. I'll probably remember 'em tomorrow, when I'm at work and hit the mailing room.
Ah, here's a few others... I sent a letter from Simonla asking "why did you forsake me?" in a creepy font. I remember sending printouts of a few Liquid Chris vs. Solid Chris drawings, with "Ian Brandon Anderson" written over it. I sent him free samples of maxi pads, and preparation H medicated wipes. I sent him a few novelty products with pictures of naked men (my favorite being a light-switch cover where the switch was a hot fireman's manmeat). I sent him a lettuce seed packet, but slapped a fake label for "Fat Manbaby Seeds" with a picture of him on it. Around the time of his trial, I sent him a prisoner stress ball, a small metal file for his "jail break," and hotel soap with a note saying "drop this in shower for free mansex." I wrote stuff like "fatboy" and "manbaby" on some balloons, deflated them, and sent him after the whole trial thing.
Here are some more I remembered... I sent a bunch of nametags with "Ian Brandon Anderson," and stuff like "Fat Manbaby" on them (we have the equipment to make 'em). I sent a work uniform name patch with "Fatboy Chandler" embroidered on it. I sent a few collapsible koozies with "Virgin With Rage" and "Christian Weston Fatboy" embroidered on it in a fancy cursive font. I got a whole bunch of those return address labels made up with "Christian Pickle Chandler" as the name, and mailed it to him. I got a free "FAT MANBABY" black ink stamper sent to him. I sent a set of 3 free clicky ballpoint pens with "Christian Weston Fatboy" imprinted on the side.
One of my clients specializes in direct mail marketing and custom imprinted items, giving me access to all sorts of different envelopes and packaging, so there's a good likelihood Chris and Barb opened the stuff up thinking it was something important or an item they ordered. Most of the envelopes had phone number to our switchboard, so they could remove themselves from mailings, but they never bothered to call. Honestly, I wouldn't have stopped... I just would have started mailing them from another mail drop.
