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By Mike Drucker - Published Jun 16, 2024
I heard you’re not too happy with games lately. You’ve been let down by decisions by video game developers that you find outrageous. Assassin’s Creed has been ruined for you because of a historical figure you weren’t expecting! Paper Mario clarified that, yes, that is in fact a trans character. And worst of all, the new Perfect Dark trailer features a camera shot of a woman taken from below rather than above.
It’s a nightmare out there! Up is down, red is blue. You just want the crazy train to stop. And that’s too bad, because I’m personally going to force game companies to put in all that stuff you hate.
No, I’m not a consulting company. I’m not associated with one, either. According to YouTubers that only use massive fonts, consulting companies are the most powerful force on Earth, filled with evil teens who have the ability, the power, and the right to change any aspect of any game they want immediately. But that won’t stop me. I may be alone, but I’m going to call up every game company and make sure they add those things that make your face red while you sit in your little Speed Racer gaming chair.
I’ve already convinced a lot of them to do the stuff on my list. They asked me, “But aren’t real gamers going to be mad?” And I said, “Real gamers are bad,” just the way those YouTube videos seem to think people talk!
Of course, I get where you’re coming from. Games like Contra and Castlevania? Those are games for men that we played when we were little boys. When you were growing up, games were for you. And they still should be for you! Just you and people who you share certain, specific traits with. You know, the traits. You’ll figure it out! That’s who games are actually for!
That is, until I called up Rockstar and said, “You better make it so players can only win Grand Theft Auto 6 if they read the works of Gloria Anzaldúa.” They said, “Oh my God, we were going to make the game go ‘big vroom, big boom’ but, now, we’ve decided to put in all the stuff angry people online hate. Because you forced us.”
You might be wondering what stuff you hate is making its way into games. That’s the fun part: apparently you don’t know what you hate until you see it! But, buddy, after you see it, you treat it like you’ve known about it forever and it’s the biggest scandal the gaming world has ever experienced.
You were just trying to enjoy games, right? You’re the target audience, not these tourists who apparently put more of their time, money, energy, and professional talent into games than you. It’s not your fault that you’re the only person in the room who’s the most angry at games at all times.
But cheer up! You’ll be happy to know that I emailed EA and now the new college football game is just a graduate-level film course where we watch both adaptations of Brideshead Revisited. EA’s hands are tied! As long as it’s a feature that will make the real fans super mad, a billion dollar company must agree to it by law. They just have to put things you hate in games if they’re told.
Why else would Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League force Harley Quinn to have woke hair? Yes, she did have dyed hair before, but now some of it is blue! Wait, she also had blue hair before, too? Weird. You’d really think that decision could only be blamed on a kid whose parents were immigrants.
But just because characters might’ve had DEI hairstyles before doesn’t mean you want it now or you even know what ‘DEI’ means. You’re too busy to learn. You’ve got people to harass online. You’ve got serious concerns about the bone structure of the main character in Star Wars Outlaws. Those hour-long rant videos aren’t going to just make themselves and then throw themselves into the void. It must be exhausting for you! You have to watch in terror as two characters hold hands - especially when those are not the types of people that God said could hold hands!
Why can’t we go back to the good old days of Metroid when you didn’t know you were playing as a woman until later? Back then, we didn’t have to have a character’s ‘whole identity’ crammed down our throats. Mainly because a character’s ‘whole identity’ was a four-by-ten stack of pixels. But now that games are more realistic, I’ve got a job to do, friendo. And that job is making sure that Lara Croft winks a little weird so she’s not sexy anymore. It’s almost like she can only wink by blinking. You’re turned off immediately. I bet you’re mad at that!
If anything, you should be thanking me for personally forcing game companies to put in all that stuff you hate. I’m the one who gives you energy in the morning. It’s certainly not your family; your ex took them with the dog. You need an extra boost to get out of bed and rush to social media to make sure nobody has put a black person in a game without asking you first. I’m your fresh air. I wake you up more than coffee.
You don’t think I’m serious? You think I’m joking? Every hour, on the hour, I force a game designer to add the ability for players to choose their own pronouns. Just because you don’t want that! Uh oh! Tetris just got pronouns! Better get started on that grift video or Puzzle Bobble is next.
Sure, you could be angrier with the actual problems in games. You could be mad that companies tout record success while laying off record numbers of people. You could be furious that employees are expected to work 24/7, often without any reward. You could be frustrated that it’s hard for smaller companies to break through the white noise of game releases. You could be tired of bigger companies nickel and diming players with features that should have been in the original package.
But I think we agree it’s more important that you tell everyone on Earth you miss the days when characters were basically Precious Moments figurines with massive honkers. Sadly, I showed Bethesda a picture of Marjory The Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock and demanded companies only use her ever. That was me, I can admit that.
A reasonable person might theorize that you’re not actually mad at these woke features; you’re mad that you’ve aged out of the target demographic and now both the people buying games and the people making games are a wider audience than when you were 13. The same reasonable person would add that this makes you feel less like the center of the universe, which causes you physical pain and distress. As you experience the tragedies and victories of life, video games seem a little less magical, so you’ve replaced confronting that feeling with finding someone to blame for it.
And that person is going to be me. I’m personally going to add what you hate. Just me. The game companies don’t want it, but I’m making them. I’m making them do woke changes so much they’re crying at their desks. And I’ve loved every second of it. Want to test me? Fine. All crafting games now only allow you to cook soy-based soft foods. You’re welcome!
By Mike Drucker - Published Jun 16, 2024
Summary
- You're right - games are changing. And it's all because of me.
- I'm the one personally forcing developers to make all of the games woke.
- They are terrified of me, but they have to give in to my every demand.
I heard you’re not too happy with games lately. You’ve been let down by decisions by video game developers that you find outrageous. Assassin’s Creed has been ruined for you because of a historical figure you weren’t expecting! Paper Mario clarified that, yes, that is in fact a trans character. And worst of all, the new Perfect Dark trailer features a camera shot of a woman taken from below rather than above.
It’s a nightmare out there! Up is down, red is blue. You just want the crazy train to stop. And that’s too bad, because I’m personally going to force game companies to put in all that stuff you hate.
No, I’m not a consulting company. I’m not associated with one, either. According to YouTubers that only use massive fonts, consulting companies are the most powerful force on Earth, filled with evil teens who have the ability, the power, and the right to change any aspect of any game they want immediately. But that won’t stop me. I may be alone, but I’m going to call up every game company and make sure they add those things that make your face red while you sit in your little Speed Racer gaming chair.
I’ve already convinced a lot of them to do the stuff on my list. They asked me, “But aren’t real gamers going to be mad?” And I said, “Real gamers are bad,” just the way those YouTube videos seem to think people talk!
Of course, I get where you’re coming from. Games like Contra and Castlevania? Those are games for men that we played when we were little boys. When you were growing up, games were for you. And they still should be for you! Just you and people who you share certain, specific traits with. You know, the traits. You’ll figure it out! That’s who games are actually for!
That is, until I called up Rockstar and said, “You better make it so players can only win Grand Theft Auto 6 if they read the works of Gloria Anzaldúa.” They said, “Oh my God, we were going to make the game go ‘big vroom, big boom’ but, now, we’ve decided to put in all the stuff angry people online hate. Because you forced us.”
What Will You Be Angry About Next? Who Knows!
You might be wondering what stuff you hate is making its way into games. That’s the fun part: apparently you don’t know what you hate until you see it! But, buddy, after you see it, you treat it like you’ve known about it forever and it’s the biggest scandal the gaming world has ever experienced.
You were just trying to enjoy games, right? You’re the target audience, not these tourists who apparently put more of their time, money, energy, and professional talent into games than you. It’s not your fault that you’re the only person in the room who’s the most angry at games at all times.
But cheer up! You’ll be happy to know that I emailed EA and now the new college football game is just a graduate-level film course where we watch both adaptations of Brideshead Revisited. EA’s hands are tied! As long as it’s a feature that will make the real fans super mad, a billion dollar company must agree to it by law. They just have to put things you hate in games if they’re told.
Why else would Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League force Harley Quinn to have woke hair? Yes, she did have dyed hair before, but now some of it is blue! Wait, she also had blue hair before, too? Weird. You’d really think that decision could only be blamed on a kid whose parents were immigrants.
But just because characters might’ve had DEI hairstyles before doesn’t mean you want it now or you even know what ‘DEI’ means. You’re too busy to learn. You’ve got people to harass online. You’ve got serious concerns about the bone structure of the main character in Star Wars Outlaws. Those hour-long rant videos aren’t going to just make themselves and then throw themselves into the void. It must be exhausting for you! You have to watch in terror as two characters hold hands - especially when those are not the types of people that God said could hold hands!
Why can’t we go back to the good old days of Metroid when you didn’t know you were playing as a woman until later? Back then, we didn’t have to have a character’s ‘whole identity’ crammed down our throats. Mainly because a character’s ‘whole identity’ was a four-by-ten stack of pixels. But now that games are more realistic, I’ve got a job to do, friendo. And that job is making sure that Lara Croft winks a little weird so she’s not sexy anymore. It’s almost like she can only wink by blinking. You’re turned off immediately. I bet you’re mad at that!
If anything, you should be thanking me for personally forcing game companies to put in all that stuff you hate. I’m the one who gives you energy in the morning. It’s certainly not your family; your ex took them with the dog. You need an extra boost to get out of bed and rush to social media to make sure nobody has put a black person in a game without asking you first. I’m your fresh air. I wake you up more than coffee.
You don’t think I’m serious? You think I’m joking? Every hour, on the hour, I force a game designer to add the ability for players to choose their own pronouns. Just because you don’t want that! Uh oh! Tetris just got pronouns! Better get started on that grift video or Puzzle Bobble is next.
Sure, you could be angrier with the actual problems in games. You could be mad that companies tout record success while laying off record numbers of people. You could be furious that employees are expected to work 24/7, often without any reward. You could be frustrated that it’s hard for smaller companies to break through the white noise of game releases. You could be tired of bigger companies nickel and diming players with features that should have been in the original package.
But I think we agree it’s more important that you tell everyone on Earth you miss the days when characters were basically Precious Moments figurines with massive honkers. Sadly, I showed Bethesda a picture of Marjory The Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock and demanded companies only use her ever. That was me, I can admit that.
A reasonable person might theorize that you’re not actually mad at these woke features; you’re mad that you’ve aged out of the target demographic and now both the people buying games and the people making games are a wider audience than when you were 13. The same reasonable person would add that this makes you feel less like the center of the universe, which causes you physical pain and distress. As you experience the tragedies and victories of life, video games seem a little less magical, so you’ve replaced confronting that feeling with finding someone to blame for it.
And that person is going to be me. I’m personally going to add what you hate. Just me. The game companies don’t want it, but I’m making them. I’m making them do woke changes so much they’re crying at their desks. And I’ve loved every second of it. Want to test me? Fine. All crafting games now only allow you to cook soy-based soft foods. You’re welcome!
