- Joined
- Mar 17, 2024
I’m not sure where to begin. For a long time now, I’ve been stuck in this perpetual cycle of failure and false hope. Every time I think things are going to change, they don’t. No matter how many times I reach out for help, whether it’s talking to family, posting on forums like this one, or seeing psychiatrists and psychologists, it all ends up feeling pointless. My diagnosis has changed three times now. In 2022, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but by 2023, it was Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Now, a couple months ago, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Despite all this, the 'treatments' have done nothing. Drugs like psycho stimulants have helped. But sometimes, they make things worse, dragging me into waves of despair. It’s like my brain is trying to destroy me.
I’ve tried so many things to fix myself. I’ve poured time and effort into gymmaxxing, trying to build my body into something good. I’ve moneymaxxed hard, hoping that at least having money or getting surgery would change my life. I even did DIY earlobe surgery, cutting off part of my own ear with scalpels I ordered online. I spent over 1,000 euros on HGH and injected it daily for two months, hoping it would give me the boost I needed. I’ve ordered every drug I could think of, both prescription and OTC supplements like minerals, vitamins, herbs, etc, you name it. None of it really worked. I thought throwing money and effort at my problems would solve them, but here I am, stuck in the same place as before.
The truth is, I don’t feel responsible for any of this. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about determinism and free will, and I’ve come to the conclusion that none of us are in control of our lives. From the moment I was born, everything was set in motion. My failures, my lack of success, my constant misery, it was always going to happen. I can’t ask for forgiveness because I don’t feel like I’m responsible for any of it. How can I be guilty of anything when I was never the one steering the ship in the first place? It is what it is.
Nothing ever changes.
My life feels like it’s been cursed. My brain hates me, and it’s been that way since I was born. I don't have a a single memory that I look back fond on. Nothing good ever lasts long enough to be worth holding onto. Every time I think I’ve found a little fortune, misfortune comes, harder each time. It’s like there’s no escape from this never ending loop. The false hope is the worst part. For a brief moment, I’ll forget the despair, think I’m on the verge of something better, only to be reminded that nothing is going to work out. Ever. I forgot the despair, but it never forgets me.
Emotional amnesia.
I’ve thought about doing something big to change my life. For years, I’ve entertained the idea of doing something drastic, committing a crime just to go to prison, getting locked up in a psych ward, taking drugs like psychedelics or steroids, or even joining the military. But I never do it. I don’t have the guts because I'm a fucking bitch. I’ve been having these thoughts for years, but nothing ever changes. I’m just too much of a coward to take the leap, but deep down, I also know it won’t matter. I’m not responsible for the way my life has turned out, so why would any drastic action fix things??
It’s hard to make any changes when you truly believe that you’re not responsible for anything that happens in your life. That’s the reality of determinism, isn’t it? Everything is just a result of prior causes, leading to an endless loop. It’s a comforting excuse, but also an insidious trap. And sure, I’ve done terrible things, things that make me a pretty horrible person in the eyes of most people. But I don’t feel guilty. Why would I? I’m not the one who set the chain of events in motion. It’s all just cause and effect, and I’m just another result of those causes. My psychiatrist and psychologist probably think they’re helping me, but in reality, they’re just giving me more tools to manipulate and deceive. I can’t even pretend to care about 'rehabilitation'
Sometimes I think I should go to church, but what’s the point? I can’t pretend to believe. I can’t force myself to have faith in something that is very unlikely to be true. But the idea of becoming religious lingers in my mind. Maybe I need it, maybe it’s the only way out of this mental trap. But at the same time, I know it would lead to nothing. I can't ask for forgiveness or pretend to have faith in something that doesn't resonate with me. It’s all meaningless.
My life is a series of false starts and dead ends. I’ve tried to take responsibility, but it’s hard when you truly believe that none of it is your fault. I’ve tried everything to 'improve' myself, looksmaxxing, moneymaxxing, trying to build a career, and none of it has worked. I quit playing video games, thinking that would somehow make me more productive, but that didn’t change anything either. Every effort feels pointless when you know deep down that you’re just following a script that was written long before you had any say in the matter.
I’m not writing this looking for help or advice. I’ve been down that road before, and it’s a dead end. I don’t expect sympathy either. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m a bad person according to western morality in the current year, and I’m okay with it. I’m tired of pretending to care, tired of trying to be someone I’m not. This is just how things are, and I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.
In the end, nothing changes. It’s all just cause and effect. There’s no grand plan, no purpose. Just a series of events leading to where I am now, a cycle I can’t break, even if I wanted to.
It's over.
I’ve tried so many things to fix myself. I’ve poured time and effort into gymmaxxing, trying to build my body into something good. I’ve moneymaxxed hard, hoping that at least having money or getting surgery would change my life. I even did DIY earlobe surgery, cutting off part of my own ear with scalpels I ordered online. I spent over 1,000 euros on HGH and injected it daily for two months, hoping it would give me the boost I needed. I’ve ordered every drug I could think of, both prescription and OTC supplements like minerals, vitamins, herbs, etc, you name it. None of it really worked. I thought throwing money and effort at my problems would solve them, but here I am, stuck in the same place as before.
The truth is, I don’t feel responsible for any of this. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about determinism and free will, and I’ve come to the conclusion that none of us are in control of our lives. From the moment I was born, everything was set in motion. My failures, my lack of success, my constant misery, it was always going to happen. I can’t ask for forgiveness because I don’t feel like I’m responsible for any of it. How can I be guilty of anything when I was never the one steering the ship in the first place? It is what it is.
Nothing ever changes.
My life feels like it’s been cursed. My brain hates me, and it’s been that way since I was born. I don't have a a single memory that I look back fond on. Nothing good ever lasts long enough to be worth holding onto. Every time I think I’ve found a little fortune, misfortune comes, harder each time. It’s like there’s no escape from this never ending loop. The false hope is the worst part. For a brief moment, I’ll forget the despair, think I’m on the verge of something better, only to be reminded that nothing is going to work out. Ever. I forgot the despair, but it never forgets me.
Emotional amnesia.
I’ve thought about doing something big to change my life. For years, I’ve entertained the idea of doing something drastic, committing a crime just to go to prison, getting locked up in a psych ward, taking drugs like psychedelics or steroids, or even joining the military. But I never do it. I don’t have the guts because I'm a fucking bitch. I’ve been having these thoughts for years, but nothing ever changes. I’m just too much of a coward to take the leap, but deep down, I also know it won’t matter. I’m not responsible for the way my life has turned out, so why would any drastic action fix things??
It’s hard to make any changes when you truly believe that you’re not responsible for anything that happens in your life. That’s the reality of determinism, isn’t it? Everything is just a result of prior causes, leading to an endless loop. It’s a comforting excuse, but also an insidious trap. And sure, I’ve done terrible things, things that make me a pretty horrible person in the eyes of most people. But I don’t feel guilty. Why would I? I’m not the one who set the chain of events in motion. It’s all just cause and effect, and I’m just another result of those causes. My psychiatrist and psychologist probably think they’re helping me, but in reality, they’re just giving me more tools to manipulate and deceive. I can’t even pretend to care about 'rehabilitation'
Sometimes I think I should go to church, but what’s the point? I can’t pretend to believe. I can’t force myself to have faith in something that is very unlikely to be true. But the idea of becoming religious lingers in my mind. Maybe I need it, maybe it’s the only way out of this mental trap. But at the same time, I know it would lead to nothing. I can't ask for forgiveness or pretend to have faith in something that doesn't resonate with me. It’s all meaningless.
My life is a series of false starts and dead ends. I’ve tried to take responsibility, but it’s hard when you truly believe that none of it is your fault. I’ve tried everything to 'improve' myself, looksmaxxing, moneymaxxing, trying to build a career, and none of it has worked. I quit playing video games, thinking that would somehow make me more productive, but that didn’t change anything either. Every effort feels pointless when you know deep down that you’re just following a script that was written long before you had any say in the matter.
I’m not writing this looking for help or advice. I’ve been down that road before, and it’s a dead end. I don’t expect sympathy either. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m a bad person according to western morality in the current year, and I’m okay with it. I’m tired of pretending to care, tired of trying to be someone I’m not. This is just how things are, and I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.
In the end, nothing changes. It’s all just cause and effect. There’s no grand plan, no purpose. Just a series of events leading to where I am now, a cycle I can’t break, even if I wanted to.
It's over.
