I'm Writing a Series. - Posting this here is probably not a good idea, but oh well lol I need exposure.

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I've found an extremely easy way cheat in a description into a scene where its otherwise inappropriate is to have a character take notice of some object or other on the person. Say, something catch their eye, like a pedant, military symbol, or whatever. Maybe if you want to be really lecherous the character sees a big rack they like. Or a guy just looks like he stumbled over something.

They turn their head, raise an eyebrow, and then you can hit them with the full detail. Oh, this woman isn't just wearing a pretty necklace, she's covered in jewlery. Must be an aristocrat or a socialite. Oh, that's not one military pin, that's a whole chest full of them. Look at that war hero. Hey wait, that big rack is covered in tattoos all over her cleavage. Must be one crazy bitch. That guy didn't trip; looks like he actually has a limp. Etc.

Adjust to each character's personality. Different people will notice different things. Unless you're writing an autistic character that can swipe their eyes over a person in one second and notice all that shit in one glance its just makes no sense. Also your writing doesn't flow very well, work on it. Also read more books, there's plenty of classic literature that's short and you can read tons of it for free. Reading books in general was one of the only ways I became decent at writing, its actually kind of a hard thing to just teach. You need to do your own research.
 
First paragraph describing the protagonist comes off as a clinical description in spite of the numerous adjectives. Don't know if that's intended. The words/phases "moving downward" and "structurally" when describing her face make it feel as if there is someone in a lab coat describing her. The description of Maeko imo is a better description.

IDK, giving it a quick read at 4am my time, pretty sure others have more insightful thoughts, but it seems nice, much better than anything I could put out.
 
Slimy Time said:
First paragraph describing the protagonist comes off as a clinical description in spite of the numerous adjectives. Don't know if that's intended. The words/phases "moving downward" and "structurally" when describing her face make it feel as if there is someone in a lab coat describing her. The description of Maeko imo is a better description.
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Yeah, if you're going to use clinical descriptions you either have to pair them with visceral ones or you have to do so at extremely specific times. Going from normal to clincal at the right time can be horrifying (or funny, should you attempt that) if you do it right, but just trying to write the whole thing like an instruction manual is going to make it boring and hard to parse out.
 
So, I've rewrote the "Ice Rink" introduction.

Just as a fun fact, I've already removed over 700 words from what I posted earlier.

Is this a lot better, or am I missing what you guys are trying to tell me?

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the repeated phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by.


Her name was Waki Kurayami. She was 14 years old, stood at just 4'3", and was quite petite and athletic. As it was after *school on a Saturday*, she was still dressed in her school uniform. Currently, a sharp black, tight cardigan was draped over it, left unbuttoned, as Waki loved to experience the chill of the late fall weather.


*Author’s notes: In Japan, students go to school on Saturday as well.*


One may be taken back by the baby blue of her eyes. It surely must be impossible for a girl her age to still have such a young set of eyes, but here was Waki. This youthful blue matched the bright, gentle, and kind gaze that peered softly at you, when you met eye to eye. In contrast, her hair was of the thickest black imaginable, to the point that it even seemed to consume light. One could describe this hair as slightly boyish in length, but with an inward curl.


Meanwhile, a single set of eyes followed her flight in the rink.


“It might just be me, but you seem more energetic than usual, lately...oh wait, I’m so dumb! Isn’t your mom coming back from her business trip today, or whatever?”


The source of this question was another young lady named Youko. She was casually leaning herself onto the top of the rink's rigid wall, her white skates grasped carelessly with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on her friend Waki. While she had been tempted earlier in the week to talk to Waki about her extra energy, now, after school on a Saturday, she simply couldn’t resist the urge to ask any longer.


Without knowing it, she had just answered her own question, as her question had pulled Waki from her hushed frenzy, and was now bringing her cruise to a halt, just in front of Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve started missing her even more the last week or so...um...sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…”


“Gosh, how often do I have to tell you not to apologize all the time? Sheesh!”


Waki shrunk inward a bit, while clasping her hands together. Before she could say anything further, however, Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome home, as a late birthday present?"


This perked Waki up, and she now looked at Youko with a renewed shine.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool! Oh, I just got to get home and get things ready for her!"


Waki rushed over and through the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko


"He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!"


"See you! Oh, and make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?"


As she was removing her frosting pink skates, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered if she was more excited at the possibility of a birthday gift, than the return home of her mother. While it was obviously wasn’t true, it didn’t change the fact that she was always second guessing the actions that she had taken, and would often feel guilt over them, even when there was no reason to. Thankfully, the desire to see her mother was stronger than this inner guilt tripping, and she ignored it entirely on her way home.
 
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Do you think like this, or does your character? Get into their head. Maybe make a character sheet and describe each character on that first. Everything sounds like it came out of one person's head here, that feels unnatrual. Characters should act different from each other, unless you've got some supernatrual plot going on.

Further note: Don't post your character sheet here, it should be part of your internal notes.
 
A Cold Potato said:
So, I've rewrote the "Ice Rink" introduction.

Just as a fun fact, I've already removed over 700 words from what I posted earlier.

Is this a lot better, or am I missing what you guys are trying to tell me?

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the repeated phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by.


Her name was Waki Kurayami. She was 14 years old, stood at just 4'3", and was quite petite and athletic. As it was after *school on a Saturday*, she was still dressed in her school uniform. Currently, a sharp black, tight cardigan was draped over it, left unbuttoned, as Waki loved to experience the chill of the late fall weather.


*Author’s notes: In Japan, students go to school on Saturday as well.*


One may be taken back by the baby blue of her eyes. It surely must be impossible for a girl her age to still have such a young set of eyes, but here was Waki. This youthful blue matched the bright, gentle, and kind gaze that peered softly at you, when you met eye to eye. In contrast, her hair was of the thickest black imaginable, to the point that it even seemed to consume light. One could describe this hair as slightly boyish in length, but with an inward curl.


Meanwhile, a single set of eyes followed her flight in the rink.


“It might just be me, but you seem more energetic than usual, lately...oh wait, I’m so dumb! Isn’t your mom coming back from her business trip today, or whatever?”


The source of this question was another young lady named Youko. She was casually leaning herself onto the top of the rink's rigid wall, her white skates grasped carelessly with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on her friend Waki. While she had been tempted earlier in the week to talk to Waki about her extra energy, now, after school on a Saturday, she simply couldn’t resist the urge to ask any longer.


Without knowing it, she had just answered her own question, as her question had pulled Waki from her hushed frenzy, and was now bringing her cruise to a halt, just in front of Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve started missing her even more the last week or so...um...sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…”


“Gosh, how often do I have to tell you not to apologize all the time? Sheesh!”


Waki shrunk inward a bit, while clasping her hands together. Before she could say anything further, however, Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome home, as a late birthday present?"


This perked Waki up, and she now looked at Youko with a renewed shine.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool! Oh, I just got to get home and get things ready for her!"


Waki rushed over and through the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko


"He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!"


"See you! Oh, and make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?"


As she was removing her frosting pink skates, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered if she was more excited at the possibility of a birthday gift, than the return home of her mother. While it was obviously wasn’t true, it didn’t change the fact that she was always second guessing the actions that she had taken, and would often feel guilt over them, even when there was no reason to. Thankfully, the desire to see her mother was stronger than this inner guilt tripping, and she ignored it entirely on her way home.
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I hope it's okay that I went ahead and rewrote this. I'm not saying I'm super amazing at writing or anything, this is probably shit since I rushed it out, but if I tried to explain a lot of the advice I want to give, it'd be a mess. So I hope an example can clear a lot up.

“Oh, sorry!”


The young couple ignored Waki’s words though, too busy in their own hushed conversation. Waki bit her lip as she skated further from them. It wasn’t like she expected them to acknowledge her apology. Most people didn’t. Sometimes she’d joke that it was because she was so small, kind of like a mouse trying to apologize to an elephant. Others said it was because she was always sorry, always apologizing for the littlest thing, to the point that it faded into background noise. Waki shook her head. She shoved those thoughts aside as she glided with ease past her fellow skaters. It was only after passing through a cluster of them that she realized she’d been yelping “Sorry!” and “Excuse me!” the whole time.


Waki clutched the black hem of her unbuttoned cardigan. Maybe one day she’d outgrow that immature habit. She was just a kid after all. Just an average kid in her average school uniform wasting time after school in a perfectly average way! No one would pay enough attention to notice her constant flustered babbling. At least not enough to think less of her for it. Right? Again, she tried to shove those thoughts aside and focus on the brisk chill of the evening Autumn air. The refreshing cold did put her at ease, just a little. She drew her hand up from her cardigan to brush her black hair past her ear. It was too short and too thick to stay there for long though. It was just a gesture to reassure herself.


“ Isn’t your mom coming back from her business trip today, or whatever?”


Waki nearly jumped. She easily turned on her skates to see a familiar face. She smiled.


“Youko! What are you doing here?”


Youko’s grin widened. Her hand skirted along the rink’s wall as she followed Waki’s path.


“Well, I saw you on my way home, and I thought I’d come say hi! I was waiting over there,” Youko gestured in a vague direction, “and then I got bored, so I came over.”


“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”


“Hey, no need to apologize. That extra thinking time was good though.”


“Yeah?” Waki smiled, leaning in toward her friend, “For what?”


“You’ve just been so energetic recently. I didn’t know how to bring it up earlier, so I talked myself into just coming up to you and asking about it directly!”


Waki slowed her glide and she slid to a stop in front of Youko. She covered her mouth with the side of a hand, sheepishly glancing aside as she giggled.


“Well, you’ve said it yourself. My mom’s coming home. I’ve missed her a lot, especially this last week,” Waki’s words drifted off, but she quickly recovered, dropping her hand and curtly bowing her head, “Um, sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…”


“Gosh, how often do I have to tell you not to apologize all the time? Sheesh!”


Waki shrunk inward a bit, clasping her hands together. Before she could reply, Youko leaned against the wall, "You think, y’know, because she was away and all, that maybe she's gonna bring you something awesome home? Like a late birthday present?"


Waki perked up. She gazed at Youko with a renewed shine.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool!” Waki bounced on her feet. Until she saw the dark sky behind her friend. She startled again, “Oh no! The time! Sorry, Youko, I need to get home and get things ready for her!"


Quickly, but still gracefully, Waki spun on her skates, rushing toward the exit. Her haste was unnecessary though. The gate was only a few paces away.


She glanced back toward Youko, covering her mouth again as she nervously giggled, "S-see you on Monday, Youko!"


Youko’s grin widened as she waved. Thankfully, she didn’t seem too offended by Waki’s sudden departure. "See you! Oh, and make sure you tell me everything that goes down, kay?"


As Waki removed her pink skates, she bit her lip again. She glanced back toward the rink, but Youko had already mingled with the crowd. Why did she have to leave right after Youko mentioned a gift? Waki shook her head. No, Youko would know that Waki hadn’t left because she was more eager for a present than her mother’s return. Youko always gave her the benefit of the doubt. And Waki really couldn’t care less about a gift! No, that wasn’t true. Seeing her mom again would be amazing, no, more than amazing. But seeing her mom with a gift just for Waki? That was even better! Smiling to herself, Waki hurried away, the thought of her mother keeping the rest of her insecurities at bay.
 
Koresh said:
Pick up a book by someone like Chuck Palahaniuk or Irvine Welsh or even Stephen King and study how they write. Right now this reads like a textbook met a thesaurus. A good book to learn from is "How Not to Write a Novel." I really think it will help you.
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No, no, OP should read Proust

But I had seen first one and then another of the rooms in which I had slept during my life, and in the end I would revisit them all in the long course of my waking dream: rooms in winter, where on going to bed I would at once bury my head in a nest, built up out of the most diverse materials, the corner of my pillow, the top of my blankets, a piece of a shawl, the edge of my bed, and a copy of an evening paper, all of which things I would contrive, with the infinite patience of birds building their nests, to cement into one whole; rooms where, in a keen frost, I would feel the satisfaction of being shut in from the outer world (like the sea-swallow which builds at the end of a dark tunnel and is kept warm by the surrounding earth), and where, the fire keeping in all night, I would sleep wrapped up, as it were, in a great cloak of snug and savoury air, shot with the glow of the logs which would break out again in flame: in a sort of alcove without walls, a cave of warmth dug out of the heart of the room itself, a zone of heat whose boundaries were constantly shifting and altering in temperature as gusts of air ran across them to strike freshly upon my face, from the corners of the room, or from parts near the window or far from the fireplace which had therefore remained cold — or rooms in summer, where I would delight to feel myself a part of the warm evening, where the moonlight striking upon the half-opened shutters would throw down to the foot of my bed its enchanted ladder; where I would fall asleep, as it might be in the open air, like a titmouse which the breeze keeps poised in the focus of a sunbeam — or sometimes the Louis XVI room, so cheerful that I could never feel really unhappy, even on my first night in it: that room where the slender columns which lightly supported its ceiling would part, ever so gracefully, to indicate where the bed was and to keep it separate; sometimes again that little room with the high ceiling, hollowed in the form of a pyramid out of two separate storeys, and partly walled with mahogany, in which from the first moment my mind was drugged by the unfamiliar scent of flowering grasses, convinced of the hostility of the violet curtains and of the insolent indifference of a clock that chattered on at the top of its voice as though I were not there; while a strange and pitiless mirror with square feet, which stood across one corner of the room, cleared for itself a site I had not looked to find tenanted in the quiet surroundings of my normal field of vision: that room in which my mind, forcing itself for hours on end to leave its moorings, to elongate itself upwards so as to take on the exact shape of the room, and to reach to the summit of that monstrous funnel, had passed so many anxious nights while my body lay stretched out in bed, my eyes staring upwards, my ears straining, my nostrils sniffing uneasily, and my heart beating; until custom had changed the colour of the curtains, made the clock keep quiet, brought an expression of pity to the cruel, slanting face of the glass, disguised or even completely dispelled the scent of flowering grasses, and distinctly reduced the apparent loftiness of the ceiling.
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Yes that is one single sentence.

It is, however, amazing characterization.
 
Not too much of a change from the last version I posted a few posts back, but I tried to add a bit more substance to the striped down version above.

Getting hotter, or colder?

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the common phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by.


Her name was Waki Kurayami. She was 14 years old, stood at just 4'3", and was quite petite and athletic. As it was after *school on a Saturday*, she was still dressed in her school uniform. Currently, a sharp black, tight cardigan was draped over it, left unbuttoned, as Waki loved to feel the chill of the late fall wind.


*Author’s notes: In Japan, students go to school on Saturday as well.*


One may be taken back by the baby blue of her eyes. It surely must be impossible for a girl her age to still have such a young set of eyes, but here was Waki. This youthful blue matched the bright, gentle, and kind gaze that peered softly at you, when you met eye to eye. In contrast, her hair was the thickest black imaginable, to the point that it even seemed to consume light. One could describe this hair as slightly boyish in length, but with an inward curl.


Following a few more minutes of speedy skatework, Waki glided to an empty part of the rink, twirled smoothly around, and began to skate backwards. She then took the time to single out the set of eyes that was following her flight in the rink.


“Heh, one day I need to teach you how to skate backwards!” The person that Waki directed her statement was her friend, Youko. She was casually leaning herself onto the top of the rink's rigid wall, her white skates grasped carelessly with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on Waki, who had desired to skate for a few minutes longer.


“Man, you’ve been so full of energy the last week or so.” She leaned in even farther into the rink. “That because your momma’s coming back from her business trip today?” Without knowing it, she had just answered her own question, and Waki gracefully stopped her reversed cruise right in front of Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve missed her so much…” Waki dropped her head a bit, and began fidgeting with one of her cardigan’s buttons. “Um...sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…” With a tiny sigh, Youko stood herself up.


“Gosh, how often do I gotta tell you not to apologize all the time?” Youko said, slightly shaking her head left and right. Waki shrunk inward a bit, while clasping her hands together. Before she could say anything further, however, Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome back as a late birthday present?" This perked Waki up, and she now looked at Youko with a renewed shine.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool!” she chirped.


Perhaps unintentionally, she decided to look at her custom black and white Zeeko watch, just hidden by her right sleeve. “Oh, I just got to get home and get things ready for her!" Thus, Waki rushed over and through the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko.


"He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!" she said, just barely stopping for a second. A coy smile had formed on her friend’s face, and she whisperedly chuckled alongside answering back to Waki.


"See ya! Oh yeah, make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?" she said, beginning to make her to the exit.


As she was removing her frosting pink skates, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered if she was more excited at the possibility of a birthday gift, than the return home of her mother. While it was obviously wasn’t true, it didn’t change the fact that she was always second guessing the actions that she had taken, and would often feel guilt over them, even when there was no reason to. Thankfully, the desire to see her mother was stronger than this inner guilt tripping, and she ignored it entirely on her way home.

Koresh said:
snip
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Yeah, that's quite a bit more comptent than my.

However, Waki isn't meant to be that unconfident, which isn't so much faulting your interpretation, but rather, my failure at not writing her that way.

I'm going to try and take Locomotive Derangement's advice, and write up a character sheet.

First, though, I'm probably going to make a shitty little, point form synopsis for the entire series.

Might take a bit, since I have a length of 100ish episodes in mind.
 
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A Cold Potato said:
Not too much of a change from the last version I posted a few posts back, but I tried to add a bit more substance to the striped down version above.

Getting hotter, or colder?

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the common phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by.


Her name was Waki Kurayami. She was 14 years old, stood at just 4'3", and was quite petite and athletic. As it was after *school on a Saturday*, she was still dressed in her school uniform. Currently, a sharp black, tight cardigan was draped over it, left unbuttoned, as Waki loved to feel the chill of the late fall wind.


*Author’s notes: In Japan, students go to school on Saturday as well.*


One may be taken back by the baby blue of her eyes. It surely must be impossible for a girl her age to still have such a young set of eyes, but here was Waki. This youthful blue matched the bright, gentle, and kind gaze that peered softly at you, when you met eye to eye. In contrast, her hair was the thickest black imaginable, to the point that it even seemed to consume light. One could describe this hair as slightly boyish in length, but with an inward curl.


Following a few more minutes of speedy skatework, Waki glided to an empty part of the rink, twirled smoothly around, and began to skate backwards. She then took the time to single out the set of eyes that was following her flight in the rink.


“Heh, one day I need to teach you how to skate backwards!” The person that Waki directed her statement was her friend, Youko. She was casually leaning herself onto the top of the rink's rigid wall, her white skates grasped carelessly with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on Waki, who had desired to skate for a few minutes longer.


“Man, you’ve been so full of energy the last week or so.” She leaned in even farther into the rink. “That because your momma’s coming back from her business trip today?” Without knowing it, she had just answered her own question, and Waki gracefully stopped her reversed cruise right in front of Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve missed her so much…” Waki dropped her head a bit, and began fidgeting with one of her cardigan’s buttons. “Um...sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…” With a tiny sigh, Youko stood herself up.


“Gosh, how often do I gotta tell you not to apologize all the time?” Youko said, slightly shaking her head left and right. Waki shrunk inward a bit, while clasping her hands together. Before she could say anything further, however, Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome back as a late birthday present?" This perked Waki up, and she now looked at Youko with a renewed shine.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool!” she chirped.


Perhaps unintentionally, she decided to look at her custom black and white Zeeko watch, just hidden by her right sleeve. “Oh, I just got to get home and get things ready for her!" Thus, Waki rushed over and through the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko.


"He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!" she said, just barely stopping for a second. A coy smile had formed on her friend’s face, and she whisperedly chuckled alongside answering back to Waki.


"See ya! Oh yeah, make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?" she said, beginning to make her to the exit.


As she was removing her frosting pink skates, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered if she was more excited at the possibility of a birthday gift, than the return home of her mother. While it was obviously wasn’t true, it didn’t change the fact that she was always second guessing the actions that she had taken, and would often feel guilt over them, even when there was no reason to. Thankfully, the desire to see her mother was stronger than this inner guilt tripping, and she ignored it entirely on her way home.



Yeah, that's quite a bit more comptent than my.

However, Waki isn't meant to be that unconfident, which isn't so much faulting your interpretation, but rather, my failure at not writing her that way.

I'm going to try and take Locomotive Derangement's advice, and write up a character sheet.

First, though, I'm probably going to make a shitty little, point form synopsis for the entire series.

Might take a bit, since I have a length of 100ish episodes in mind.
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Yes that's a bit better, but you're still telling and not showing. If you want to get a trait across, you need to express it through a character's action. That's the main thing I tried to get across in my rewrite along with some other stuff of sentence flow and voice, but main is show don't tell.
 
Version number 4.

Since I've begun to rewrite this beginning part, however, I started realising that the characterisation I initally had in mind for Waki, is not something I'm very fond to write about for the rest of the series, considering she's the protaginist, alongside Maeko.

I made her much more openly confident now, tell me if that works better.

Also, I made a greater attempt at "show, don't tell" here, but I might not be quite there yet.

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the common phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by. Her name was Waki Kurayami. 14 years old, her small, but athletic, build allowed her to weave through her fellow skaters easily and briskly. This was essential as it allowed the chill of the late fall to hit her, with the typical school clothing she wore, covered only by an unbuttoned, tight, sharp black cardigan, being unable to prevent the breezy rush her skin craved.


Following a few more minutes of speedy skatework, Waki glided to an empty part of the rink, twirled smoothly around, and began to skate backwards. She then cast her gaze to single out the set of eyes that was following her flight in the rink. Her gentle, bright, baby blue eyes quickly themselves on a happy brown pair, her confident skating not disappearing during this encounter.


“Heh, Youko, one day I need to teach you how to skate backwards!” This girl was casually leaning over the top of the rink's rigid wall, carelessly swinging her skates to and fro with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on Waki, who had desired to skate for a few minutes longer.


“Man, you’ve been so full of energy the last week or so.” leaning farther into the rink. “That because your momma’s coming back from her business trip today?”


Then, the graceful little skater, still backwards, made course for her friend. Another expert twirl later, and she had brought her flight to a stop, her smiling face a few feet from the relaxed Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve missed her so much…” Waki began fidgeting with one of her cardigan’s buttons. “Sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…” With a tiny sigh, Youko stood herself up.


“Gosh, how often do I gotta tell you not to apologize all the time?” Youko said, slightly shaking her head left and right. Waki shrugged her shoulders a tiny bit, but was unable to respond before Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome back as a late birthday present?" Waki perked her head up, and brought her hands up to just below her chin.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool!” she chirped, jumping up, and struggling to keep balance once she landed back on the ice again. Unintentionally, her right arm, decorated with her custom black and white Zeeko watch, was brought up to close to her face. “Oh, I should get home and get things ready for her!" Thus, Waki rushed to the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko. "He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!" she said, almost falling over from the sudden stop she made.


A coy smile had formed on her friend’s face, and she whisperedly chuckled alongside answering back to Waki.


"See ya! Oh yeah, make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?" she said, beginning to make her to the exit.


As she undoing her frosting white skate, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered why Youko was always so upset at her constant apologizing.


“It’s just the nice thing to say, is all. Besides, I’m usually in the right anyway.” She thought, as she passed from the warmth of the heated entrance way of the rink, to the soothing chill of the September weather.
 
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A Cold Potato said:
I'm going to try and take Locomotive Derangement's advice, and write up a character sheet.

First, though, I'm probably going to make a shitty little, point form synopsis for the entire series.

Might take a bit, since I have a length of 100ish episodes in mind.
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Wanted to add that the main reason I went out of my way to say "don't post your character sheet here" is that you shouldn't be afraid to contradict your notes if you have a better idea or decide to rework something. There's lots of lines or actions I wrote down being attributed to certain characters in my own work only to decide when the scene came about that it would make more sense if someone else said it or to move the chronology of the sequence around or whatever.

Hypothetically posting your notes to the public shouldn't neccesarily have any effect on your descisions later on down the line, but I've found for me personally letting other people see my notes makes some things feel harder to change later. I'm a pretty self-conscious writer but I suspect most people who write are.
 
A Cold Potato said:
Version number 4.

Since I've begun to rewrite this beginning part, however, I started realising that the characterisation I initally had in mind for Waki, is not something I'm very fond to write about for the rest of the series, considering she's the protaginist, alongside Maeko.

I made her much more openly confident now, tell me if that works better.

Also, I made a greater attempt at "show, don't tell" here, but I might not be quite there yet.

“Oh, sorry!”


This was quite the common phrase for this particular girl, presently skating by a serene teenage couple beholding one another as they calmly moved along the side of the rink. In spite of the couple clearly being unconcerned with the rest of the world around them, the urge to apologize (often) was an unfortunate part of Waki’s behaviour. Still, the young lady kept up her brisk pace, effortlessly gliding through the small gathering of people that shared the rink with her, occasionally saying "sorry!" or "excuse me" to those she passed by. Her name was Waki Kurayami. 14 years old, her small, but athletic, build allowed her to weave through her fellow skaters easily and briskly. This was essential as it allowed the chill of the late fall to hit her, with the typical school clothing she wore, covered only by an unbuttoned, tight, sharp black cardigan, being unable to prevent the breezy rush her skin craved.


Following a few more minutes of speedy skatework, Waki glided to an empty part of the rink, twirled smoothly around, and began to skate backwards. She then cast her gaze to single out the set of eyes that was following her flight in the rink. Her gentle, bright, baby blue eyes quickly themselves on a happy brown pair, her confident skating not disappearing during this encounter.


“Heh, Youko, one day I need to teach you how to skate backwards!” This girl was casually leaning over the top of the rink's rigid wall, carelessly swinging her skates to and fro with her right hand. She was ready to depart for home, but decided to wait on Waki, who had desired to skate for a few minutes longer.


“Man, you’ve been so full of energy the last week or so.” leaning farther into the rink. “That because your momma’s coming back from her business trip today?”


Then, the graceful little skater, still backwards, made course for her friend. Another expert twirl later, and she had brought her flight to a stop, her smiling face a few feet from the relaxed Youko.


“He he...yep, that she is! I’ve missed her so much…” Waki began fidgeting with one of her cardigan’s buttons. “Sorry if I’ve been weird or anything lately…” With a tiny sigh, Youko stood herself up.


“Gosh, how often do I gotta tell you not to apologize all the time?” Youko said, slightly shaking her head left and right. Waki shrugged her shoulders a tiny bit, but was unable to respond before Youko resumed her questioning.


"You think, cause she was away on her trip, that she's gonna bring you something awesome back as a late birthday present?" Waki perked her head up, and brought her hands up to just below her chin.


"Oh my goodness! That would be so cool!” she chirped, jumping up, and struggling to keep balance once she landed back on the ice again. Unintentionally, her right arm, decorated with her custom black and white Zeeko watch, was brought up to close to her face. “Oh, I should get home and get things ready for her!" Thus, Waki rushed to the rink's exit, a few feet from Youko. Ungracefully power walking in her skates, she addressed a quick goodbye to Youko. "He he...see you on Monday, Youko…!" she said, almost falling over from the sudden stop she made.


A coy smile had formed on her friend’s face, and she whisperedly chuckled alongside answering back to Waki.


"See ya! Oh yeah, make sure you tell me everything that goes down, K?" she said, beginning to make her to the exit.


As she undoing her frosting white skate, she suddenly found her thoughts take on an introspective tone. She wondered why Youko was always so upset at her constant apologizing.


“It’s just the nice thing to say, is all. Besides, I’m usually in the right anyway.” She thought, as she passed from the warmth of the heated entrance way of the rink, to the soothing chill of the September weather.
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This is so much better. The dialogue is a huge improvement and the narrator's voice is much less obnoxious. It's almost there, you just need to push what you applied here a bit further. Maybe move onto a different scene, try to apply your new techniques there, and you might figure out more of what works and doesn't.
 
So, here is my attempt at revising the first scene with Maeko.

Hopefull, it is also much improved.

"Man, I don't know what I want to do tomorrow!"

With a confident strut, and a shadow that was lengthy for a girl her age, Maeko Hareyaka was a 15 year old amazon in the making. Kenichi, her friend next to her, was barely able to keep up his pace with her.

Glancing over to see him adjusting his simple black necktie, Maeko choose to ensure the two ends of her skinny, woodish brown scarf, were wrapped so both ends hung down equally in length, to where the bottom of her ribcage would be. Right after she finished her check, a strong fall gust blew some colourful leaves right into Maeko’s lengthy white hair. With a speed that would put even the most professional quick drawers to shame, Maeko whipped her hand into her handsome brown purse, and pulled from it an ocean blue brush, inscribed with her name on it, and a matching hand mirror. Once she had started to make her hair smooth and neat again, panic quickly made way, once more, for sharp sparkle of confidence in her vivid, jade eyes.

"How about getting to work on our social project, which is due this Tuesday?" suggested the baritone voice coming on her left. “Just look at the amount of time you spent changing from your school uniform, and into your own clothing. That’s time that could have been used elsewhere!” It would be easy to mistake him for a teacher lecturing a student, if not for the school uniform he still had on.

With her hair once more prim and proper, she calmly placed her items back into her bag.

"Hey, calm down, necktie!” she said as she let her purse drop to her side. “You're whining as if I never get any work done on time!" Folding his arms, like a parent would right before scolding a child, Kenichi answered.

"No, rather, I do not think you should be always putting things off, and then rushing to finish everything at the last minute. Besides, the Voyager 1 launches this Monday, remember?” Kenichi dropped some of the sternness in his voice “I would greatly appreciate you getting the project in by then."

"Hmm…" Maeko started thinking. "I know how much this Voyager thing means to him, considering he hasn't shut up about for months…" So, puffing her cheeks out, and drooping her upper body just a bit...

"Hmm, fine! When I get home, I will get the stupid project done! I'll just have to bug my brother to let me use his Gala ][." The closest thing that Kenichi could call a smile, formed upon his face.

"Thank you very much, Maekeo." He said, the professional tone returning fully to his voice. "You do not know how much this means to me."

Maeko stood herself fully upright again, and let her cheeks relax.

"Well...cool, whatever." The duo walked in silence for a few moments, before Maeko slightly perked her head in the direction of Kenichi.

"Hey...you don't think I'm stupid, do you?" Her head tilted sideways, just a bit. Kenichi kept his gaze focused straight ahead.

"No, Maeko, you are not stupid." Kenichi said, his head very subtlety turning towards her. "You are just Maeko, and that is fine."
 
I'm just going to drop this link right here. Hopefully some of the info on this site will help you. Check the sidebar for more writing tips.

This in particular is what I feel you should focus on:
When you write, treat your manuscript as though you had to pay 10p a word for the privilege of writing. Look at this paragraph, for example:

He walked slowly away, trying not to make any kind of sound. His feelings were in a turmoil, roiling and boiling, a tumult of emotion. He couldn’t help reiterating to himself again and again that he had done the right thing; that he had done everything he could. He insisted to himself that she, too, would surely see this one day.
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Ugh. Let’s try that again. Here’s the same example, tightened up.

He crept away, his feelings in turmoil. He had done the right thing, he told himself. One day, she would see this, too.
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Almost a third of the length. And everything about it is better. It doesn’t just say it faster, it says it better. In the first version, all that verbiage just got in the way.
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Overall, you're improving with 'show, don't tell' but I strongly recommend picking up some reading material and studying the different writing styles. Learning how to sell a scene with fewer words is very challenging without some examples to look at. Good luck.
 
I don't feel as confident about this rewrite of the "introduction to Toonoku" scene, but I still think it's way more digestable than it's first version.

Waki smoothly passed through the front doorway, expecting the sound of silence to be awaiting her.


"Welcome home, Waki." said by a cheerful voice coming from in front of her. "I've just been dying to see you again!"


The bright blue of Waki's eyes met up with the soothing grey of her mother's, peering at her from the end of the entrance way. The smiles upon both their faces intensified, as Waki came closer to Toonoku. Finally, Waki flung herself her towards her mother, and wrapped her arms tightly around her, Toonoku quickly returning the favour.


"Mother…" Waki softly said, pressing her head into Toonoku's generous chest. Toonoku silently petted Waki's head, running her fingers through her deep, black hair. The short, straight hairs on Waki's head rubbed against the blue moonstone wedding ring on Toonoku's right hand. It stayed dutifully on that finger, even if the union it represented was long gone.


After a few more moments of warm embrace, Waki stepped out of her mother's strong arms, covered in the sleeves of her favourite purple business suit.


"How was your trip?" she asked, before realising that she had left the front door open.


"That's my Waki!" Toonoku said through the mischievous grin on her face.


"Oh, sorry." she replied. As her small frame zipped to the door, Toonoku brought her left hand up to her angelic cheek, as she watched Waki shut the door, and turn to face her again, in one graceful movement."But anyway, did you have a good trip?


"Oh, it was alright. Mostly just boring business stuff." Toonoku's already mischievous grin arched higher. Alongside this, Waki noticed Toonoku begin to twirl a lock of her messy hair, while absentmindedly staring at a plain spot on the wall, just to the left of herself.


"Oh, looks like she has something she wants to keep unsaid…" Waku noted in her head, that her mother would always do these things when she was being secretive. "Oh well, that's my mother being my mother." Almost as if she had read her mind, Toonoku looked back at her, crossing her arms at the same time.


Almost as if she had read her mind, Toonoku looked back at her, crossing her arms at the same time.


"I will tell you about the fun bits later. Now…” Her gaze once more leaped from Waki, and now looked somewhere in the living room that Toonoku was on the edge of. "Come check out what I got you for your birthday!" Upon hearing this, Waki quickly walked herself past her mother. When her gift entered into her view, she almost tripped over her feet trying to get to it.


"Oh my goodness, a Gala ][!" Waki chirped, the glimmer in her eyes lighting up the room. Her happiness was radiating like the sunlight, and as she scanned over the white box, from the Gala logo, to “The Personal Computer" slogan written in the center, and finally the new Yony monitor next to the Gala box, Toonoku struted over to her side, her high stilettos making a satisfying click on the hardwood. She gripped her hands on her hips, and stood herself tall.


"Heh heh, you've been talking about computers, and how badly you wanted one.” Waki turned her glowing face back towards her mother. “It was the only obvious choice for a present!


"Oh, thank you, thank you so much!" With this, Waki once more threw herself onto her mother, hugging her tightly.


"You're welcome, my wonderful Waki!"
 
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Pretty much has nothing to do with the original version of the "Maeko Working" scene, and I think it's still a little awkard structure wise, but, eh, I'll come back to it soon.

Maeko was already glued to her brother’s new Gala ][, when he had sauntered into his room. Amused, rather than annoyed at this intrusion, Kenmei simply let his body fall to his bed, loosened the buttons on his blue leisure suit, and watched his younger sister, 9 years his junior, rapid fire type on his computer. After about 15 minutes of this, he finally broke the silence.


"Alright, Maeko,” releasing a tremendous yawn here. “who’s got you doing favours this time?"


"I’m not doing favours for anyone.” Maeko said, her onslaught of typing not stopping.


"Hmm, I don’t believe you.” He said, straightening his blue lensed glasses a bit. “Because you never, ever put this much effort into something, unless someone is driving you to.” Maeko’s fingers stopped cold after he said this, and she whipped the grey office chair she sat upon around.


"That's not true!" She said, squeezing tightly on the arms of the chair. "When has this ever happened before?"


Letting out another mighty yawn, Kenmei rolled himself from his side, and upon his back.


"Well, how about the time you agreed to finish your friend's overdue social worksheets, so she could still participate in that soccer tournament?"


Maeko's head dropped a bit, tilting slightly to the left.


"How about the time," Kenmi continued without waiting for a reply. "when you completed that group science project alone, just so the rest of your group could go see Momoe Yamaguchi in concert? How about the ti-" yet another yawn interrupted him. Maeko, however, answered before he began speaking again, her head raised confidently again.


"So, what's your point?" She said, reaching towards her blue brush and mirror. Having finished yawning, Kenmi slowly shifted back onto his side.


"My point is that you seem to need someone else pushing you to work hard." He explained, sitting up and leaning his upper body in the direction of his sister. "You don't seem to want to succeed for your own sake. I thought as you got older, that maybe you'd grow out of this." Maeko's brushing intensified after he said this. "I only want you to succeed in life, doing something that makes you happy, not what makes others happy. Mom and Dad would've wanted the same." Maeko suddenly brought her brushing to a halt.


"That's easy for you to say! I don't ever see anyone else asking you for help!" She twirled her chair back around, and began her speedy typing once more. "Besides, I hate school, it's boring!"


Kenmi flung his left leg over his right, and placed his chin in his left hand.


"Well, what about dancing? I know you love it, so why not take some classes?" Once more, the clacking from Maeko's typing ceased.


"Look, I dance because I enjoy it, not because I want to do it professionally!" Kenmi noticed Maeko droop her head. "Let's face it, I'm just made to help others."


"Now, Maeko-" Before Kenmi could get further, Maeko spoke over him as she started typing once more.


“I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now! I want to get this done tonight, so I can listen to some Donna Summer before I go to sleep!”


While Kenmi did open his mouth to speak further, he instead simply formed a small grin on his face, and rose from the bed and headed towards his record collection.


“Well, I had nothing else planned for tonight…” he said as he drew his fingers across his collection. “You up for some Pink Floyd?”
 
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I'm not trying to be an asshole but this is terrible. I don't know if the intent is to write something for the YA crowd or not. It comes off like it does and if so then ignore my advice because I find all YA material to be dog shit. Read something written by an actual writer. Anything. Edgar Allen Poe, Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis (specifically Less Than Zero in your case), Clive Barker, Ann Rice, William S. Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, Bukowski, fucking anyone. Take notes on how they compose a scene, introduce characters, set up the environment and the lore and all that. And then try writing again. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy but it's really bad.
 
I'll give my rushed, speed read take. I'm not commenting on the material, as that's a matter of taste, but just writing in general (for the sake of things I'm going to avoid spelling mistakes and grammatical errors):

1) You describe characters as if you're in a role-play session or something. Character descriptions are typically very limited (at least the way I like them). Also character descriptions should imply certain traits and let your reader imagine what they look like. Flowery prose around here is ok, especially if you want their look to convey emotion. Lots of authors also don't really describe their characters out this much. See Hermionie where she's barely even described out. Some characters aren't even describe racially. You're just left to infer from their actions and their language.

2) As others have said, don't tell. Especially when we're first meeting a character. To keep us interested, you need to draw traits out and build them up. Way too much telling of things that need to be built up.

3) Way, way too much description for the first two pages. You've got to nab your reader. The best way to do this is to hook them in with something exciting then keep them going. I'm just hit with this wall of text and my eyes sort of just glaze over.

4) Know your audience. Your language feels off for the material. If you're writing something bubbly and high-school like and not serious, try to soften your language up. I'm not telling you not to use big words or use dumb language, but don't use big words for the sake of using them. It really feels kind of cold and I know that's not the mood you're trying to portray.

5) Your character descriptions are interrupting the flow of action. Every time I'm getting invested and you introduce another character, there's a paragraph of description. I know I'm harping on this, but it is clear to me this is a problem.

6) Minor nitpick, but I don't know if you can do this on Google Docs, but any author's notes, quotations and citations typically go in the footnotes. Also try to avoid doing it unless you're making it a thing or cutesy fourth wall breaking. If you're not, don't do it. Alternatively, just have a character fuck up and think its the wrong day so you can convey this information to your reader without taking them out of the work. Always convey this information in the work itself. You want to do everything in your power to make your audience forget they're reading a book.

Locomotive Derangement said:
Do you think like this, or does your character? Get into their head. Maybe make a character sheet and describe each character on that first. Everything sounds like it came out of one person's head here, that feels unnatrual. Characters should act different from each other, unless you've got some supernatrual plot going on.

Further note: Don't post your character sheet here, it should be part of your internal notes.
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Great call. Definitely describe out your characters on your sheet. Put traits and background there, build them up. Even if you don't mention these events, its ok, they have no part of the story but they shape who the character is.

BrunoMattei said:
I'm not trying to be an asshole but this is terrible. I don't know if the intent is to write something for the YA crowd or not. It comes off like it does and if so then ignore my advice because I find all YA material to be dog shit. Read something written by an actual writer. Anything. Edgar Allen Poe, Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis (specifically Less Than Zero in your case), Clive Barker, Ann Rice, William S. Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, Bukowski, fucking anyone. Take notes on how they compose a scene, introduce characters, set up the environment and the lore and all that. And then try writing again. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy but it's really bad.
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Clive Barker. I love him, but my worst Ex stole my first Edition Hellbound Heart and Book of Blood. I'm sad now. Clive Barker also refers to bowels a lot. It is very noticeable. I do find it hilarious though.

I think for the story though, its not really aiming to be any of those authors. But it doesn't hurt to adopt others. Brevity is the soul of wit. When you edit, you look for two things: Mistakes and cutting the fat. I always look back and go, "Is this too wordy? Does this convey what I want it to?"

EDIT:
I should add I fucking hate word for writing anything but essays or papers. I always end up with fifty fucking files. There are a lot of free writing programs out there that can keep all this in one place.
 
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