Is there a difference between the mentality of a step father compared to a step mother?

[wtfNeedSignUp]

I've heard a lot of horror stories of step mothers abusing their children physically and emotionally, causing massive damage down the line. Meanwhile with step fathers the horror stories are mainly about sexual abuse.

It makes me wonder if there is difference in the mentality of those parents between the genders due to biological/social reasons. Also whether it also applies to adoptive parents.

 

[Disapproving Bread]

One is a man. The other is a woman.

That should tell you all you need to know about the difference in the way they think.

 

[$5.3 Million Dollars]

Bread's right. I'd say women would be more likely to attempt to connect with the kids of a spouse, and so would also be more likely to mess up that connection. Either by being batshit insane out of the box, or being overly domineering in an attempt to wrap the father further into the relationship and convince him she's mom material and has you in hand.

Men tend to show less emotion and attempt that same connection through gifts and things like trips. Less emotional connection, less emotional damage. So when they're gonna be abusive, its likely to be outright physical. This tracks with crime rates between the sexes.

I think the best step parents are the ones that formally adopt the stepchild, I've known several people who either did this or had this done and their relationships seemed a lot healthier than the more distant version.

 

[Mmemes]

For what it's worth it seems stepdads and stepmoms are vastly different because as 5.3 mentioned because of the gender difference. With stepdads you'll get a wide spectrum of different types. He might (and emphasis on might) be massively abusive OR he'll be the dad possible under the circumstances. But most of the time people's stepdads are barely there almost a glorified roommate or just their mom's boyfriend who you see at Christmas. Nothing special. So a stepdad can be a living hell to people or a godsend but most of the time a nothingburger. Different shades. On the other hand with stepmoms it seems it's usually an either/or situation a 50/50 chance. You either get a pretty decent mom OR a queen bitch from Hell. No exceptions.

 

[Chongqing]

I feel like women are more likely to have the, "I'm not your mom," attitude while men in that situation will be more likely to want to step in to the role of a positive role model.

 

[Tanuki Mixed Nuts]

I'd wager the added context of whether they have a kid already going into the situation makes a big difference too. The classic evil step mother usually has children of her own she treats much better than the step child, and I know from what I've seen, that typically rings true. Whether thats outright abuse or just some sort underlying natal mother/child relationship that she doesn't have with the step child, can vary wildly.

 

[Irregardless]

I'd imagine a large part of it depends on whether the step parent has their own children or not. For men the issue seems to be when they don't while for women the issues are usually because they do.

 

[SSj_Ness (Yiffed)]

At least step-fathers don't usually troon their kids out, unlike even biological mothers seem to.

 

[Lemmingwiser]

I've heard a lot of horror stories of step mothers abusing their children physically and emotionally, causing massive damage down the line. Meanwhile with step fathers the horror stories are mainly about sexual abuse

You nailed it in the OP, really.

The classic bad stepmom is someone that makes her non biological kids feel like outsiders. A terrible is one that gaslights and teaches stepchildren to hate themselves. A bad stepdad is one that doesn't provide anything. A terrible stepdad is one that fucks or molests them.

 

[Male Idiot]

I'd imagine a large part of it depends on whether the step parent has their own children or not. For men the issue seems to be when they don't while for women the issues are usually because they do.

That makes sense.

To the dad, the extra kid is another helping hand. To the non-dad, it is a burden preventing him from being dad, an obstacle.

To the mother it is a resource rival, to the non-mother it is a child replacement like a furbaby, but closer to the real deal.

 

[Otterly]

Your Op answers the questions. Good step parents are a positive influence. They can even become de facto parents. Someone willing and able to treat someone else’s children with no favouritism along with their own is a rare beast, and a diamond.
Bad step parents aim to destroy what they feel are competition for their own offspring regardless of whether they have any or not. The manifestation of that is primarily sexual with men (magnified by not as strong an incest taboo) and psychological for women. The same way actual parents primarily abuse children.