ITT we recommend films that never existed - Give Hollywood hacks free ideas

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Ewan McGregor

Bad pun enjoyer, retarded jokester
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Here are my three recommendations:

Those awful days (1998)

Directed by Gus Van Sant. Keanu Reeves, Reese Witherspoon, Matt Damon. Scott Glenn.

Jon Matthews (Keanu Reeves) is a young skater in Portland, Oregon, that has recently lost his parents, his house and his skateboard. He adopts a little dog as a homeless young man and wanders around the city when he gets infatuated by a young linebacker university freshman (Matt Damon) who is engaged with the daughter of a local preacher (Reese Witherspoon). Things suddenly gets complicated when he takes shelter on a charity run by that local preacher (Scott Glenn) and he is torn between his lust for the young football player and his sense of guilt and betrayal towards his benefactor family.

The Lavender Flame (1987)

Directed by Frank Darabont. Jamie Lee Curtis, Anthony Michael Hall. Michael Schoeffing

Based on a book by Stephen King. Buck McNulty (Michael Schoeffing) arrives to a small town in Maine where he rents a room in a bed and breakfast run by a husky, distant teenager (A. Michael Hall) and his overly enthusiastic but slightly handicapped older sister (Jamie Lee Curtis) with no signs of any adult. Soon, Buck will be exposed to terrifying family secrets.

Annihilating Death (1999)

Directed by John McTiernan. Bruce Willis. Samuel L. Jackson. Willem Dafoe

John Edwards (Bruce Willis) is a policeman in Chicago who has seen way too many criminals get out scott free on a technicality and is ready to turn the badge when the Convent of the Sacred Heart is held hostage with a violent psycopath, Matthew Limerick (Willem Dafoe), who has proclaimed himself to be the antichrist. Aided by Bishop Montgomery (Samuel L. Jackson), a representative from the Vatican, Edwards will try to infiltrate the convent, rescue the terrified nuns and turn the maniac irishman to justice, after which he will give up his badge. All the while his wife is filing for divorce and his daughter is dating questionable guys.
 
Kerry (2027)

Starring Ted Danson as presidential candidate John Kerry, the film covers whatever the fuck he did before he ran for president, his failed presidential run, and whatever he did after that.

Tooth (2021)

Found footage horror film where they put the camera in a human tooth. Unfortunately the guy wasn’t big on talking or smiling so aside from the scene where he goes to the evil dentist there wasn’t much usable footage.
 
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Testacles Maximus said:
Kerry (2027)

Starring Ted Danson as presidential candidate John Kerry, the film covers whatever the fuck he did before he ran for president, his failed presidential run, and whatever he did after that.
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I'd recommend giving Kerry a watch, but don't forget that it's the sequel to Dukakis (2025). A whole bunch of the references in there won't make sense if you watch them out of order.
 
netflix Deathsquad Adventures.jpg
 
Rosemary’s Late Term Abortion

Sequel to Rosemary’s Baby where God impregnates Rosemary with the Second Coming of Christ to combat Adrian, the antichrist she birthed in the first movie. Ruth Gordon chases Mia Farrow around with a coathanger in one hand and a plunger in the other.
 
Harlan Ellison wrote a screenplay for “I Robot” in 1978 based on Asimov’s short story compilation. I got a chance to read it and it was just okay — Citizen Kane in a scifi setting with robots. In the hands of a competent director, it could’ve been an interesting movie in the 1980s (a much-needed counterpoint to doomer Terminator). In any case, it would’ve been better than what we eventually got with Will Smith…
 
Gede labah said:
Looking forward to seeing Nicholas Cage eat a shoe in The Man Who Ate A Shoe. I heard he actually eats a real shoe.
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It is both a social commentary AND an homage to Chaplin. Cage can't stop winning.
 
Every single suggestion in this thread is based and worth $300m, except that Aristocrats (ass numbing 2 edgy 4 me autofellatio demonstrating what absolute faggots comedians really are) idea, which I'm less sure about.

Here are my ideas:

Peng-Man: The Antarctic Avenger
Locqueesha Save The Day! (select urban markets only)
Drapeula! The Curtains that Kill!

Im felling super positive about my new screenwriting career now guys. Constructive criticism only place :oops:
 
Sexual Chocolate said:
Every single suggestion in this thread is based and worth $300m, except that Aristocrats (ass numbing 2 edgy 4 me autofellatio demonstrating what absolute faggots comedians really are) idea, which I'm less sure about.

Here are my ideas:

Peng-Man: The Antarctic Avenger
Locqueesha Save The Day! (select urban markets only)
Drapeula! The Curtains that Kill!

Im felling super positive about my new screenwriting career now guys. Constructive criticism only place :oops:
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I commend your 70's aesthetics
 
Based on a true story, a nigger WWII soldier liberates Dachau and falls in love with a half dead Jewish woman. He nurses her back to health. They move to the United States where they experience racism and antisemitism. Will their love overcome obstacles and their PTSD from the war?
 
Nine Lives (2017) wasn't that bad.
I think it was ruined when Adam Sandler showed up (as usual), but other than that the story was fine. It kept me interested throughout the whole movie, so it did its job. Not something I would really watch again though, but it's definitely worth a try.
If anyone is into the vanilla romance genre, I would recommend you give it a shot. Just make sure you skip the weird necrophilia part, it really plays no part of the plot and I don't understand why they thought they should add it in the first place.
 
There's this great movie I saw recently, it's a bit of a rom-com, and has all the normal beats, the guy and the girl meet and he likes her, but she hates him when they first see each other. Wacky hijinks ensue and in the end of the movie they end up fucking, it's called "The Rapist" (this joke stolen from Jimmy Carr)
 
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