Where we last left off,
we were at a choice. Since I don't want to play this noisome little farce more than once, I'm going to choose the logical choice that gives Taylor plausible deniability (I.E. choice number 3).
I then need to give him another command. I go with choice 1.
At this point Taylor explains that Toronto Mistrust's board of Directors are NOT nice people and indeed, Satan incarnate who will cheerfully evict old ladies and eat babies. Also
how dare you misgender totally-not-Chris-Chan.
But wait, what's this...?
At this point the choices I made have caused a game-over because HOW DARE YOU ALLOW HER TO GO OVER 99 POUNDS JAIMAS YOU MONSTER. Dipshit's anorexia causes her to collapse and the attack fails.
Toronto Mistrust is not pronked and Tankboy is triggered, because Crowgirl crashed into slumber. By allowing her to eat that muffin, the game has become impossible, and
it chastizes me for its character's complete inability to function. I say good riddance. The game then
lies about its content, and I give it the finger as the game decides I need to remember that
Crowgirl is a fucking mental-case.
Round 2, and I go back on the exact steps I took as last time, only this time giving even less of a shit so captain purplehair can not freak out.
We finally get back to where we were, and Crowgirl once again points out that Taylor just giving them money completely undercut the reason these two brain-geniuses are doing this shit. By this point, the narrartive has completely collapsed in upon itself, and Tankboy says the most retarded thing I've seen all game after Taylor and Crowgirl establish that Toronto Mistrust is evil incarnate.
Like Chris with money, however, we quickly see why these two, who both ostensibly earn a fair bit of scratch, have so much difficulty with with their own lucre: the first thing they do with their newfound wealth is talk about buying vidya and porn. The two retards then watch something on not-Netflix, and I get tho choose from three stunning choices:
So one that I know will trigger Tankboy, one that I'm at-best reasonably sure will trigger Tankboy, and one that's about as gay as Homer. Well, I know to go for a sure thing and
not gamble on my buttsecks, so choice #3 it is. What follows
is a completely nonsensical show with absolutely no content and even less plot than the game I'm playing. Tankboy falls asleep.
In the morning, the two speak technojargon for about five pages as they discuss the attack. I just realized that I've seen no actual hacking in this game called Hackers vs Banksters. What I have seen is an army of Tumblrettes with triggers and nonbinary identities and such that have to be coddled and catered to or the game won't progress.
It's not a Tumblr game without some slam against Capitalism, though.
I then get a bunch of unrelated shots, and then my view opens to this vision of soul-scarring existential horror:
SWALLOW YOUR SOUL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL
...At this point, the gave developer decides that they're going to drop anything remotely resembling subtlety or making a three-dimensional antagonist, and instead use the
Captain Planet approach, where they make their villain an asshole with no motive for his actions except profit. The game goes out of its way to make you dislike the villain, using the cheapest tactics available; they insult and misgender Taylor, they openly talk about bribing officials, and it's solely so they can have more money. And
casual sexism because of course this game needed that.
I've watched propaganda scare films with more nuance than this. We're not quite in
If Footman Tire You, What Will Horses Do? territory, but we've definitely come within striking distance of
Boys Beware.
OK, kind of lost my train of thought for a sec talking about propaganda films, because that was more interesting. Where were we?
Thank you, purple-haired abomination.
So our "heroes" create their worm to destroy the bank's computer systems. They then bring it to Flat-Top for encryption and pay Flat-Top back the $100 they borrowed, and
offer to introduce Flat-Top to Taylor the Nonbinary Space Cadet. Once again, the pair refer to themselves as "Hackers," and I'm once again reminded that the Kiwi Farms remains undestroyed by Laurelai's hacking attacks.
After plugging BitCoin as a reliable way to use cash on-the-quiet (
ಠ_ಠ), the two discuss their shit, our "heroes" go to the newest restaurant to wine and dine Frederick, and Crowgirl starts barking orders at me again. For fuck's sake. After choosing the most calore-light item on the menu, I'm pleased to note that Tankboy then successfully triggers HIMSELF by ordering his food flambe, at which point Frederick reads my mind:
Fight the power, brother.
At this point I'm given the choice of going with a 24-hour crypter that might get caught immediately, but give them some money to live on, or a $300 crypter that's been out for less than 8 hours and is a virtually-guaranteed chance of success. After being chastised by the unable-to-manage-their-cash brigade, I go with the $300 choice, anything so this fucking thing can end.
After discussing their triggering and similar issues, the pair pay their tab (Over $300!!) and Tankboy tips them $120. I'm fucking serious. The pieces come together: Flat Top gives the pair their fancy malware on a USB stick, the pair gives it to Taylor, and once again establishes that
they're breaking the fucking law.
Our Autistic operative proceeds to go on his mission.... Will he succeed? Stay tuned for part 3.
