Friend: Hello? Hello? Hello? Jess?
JYS: Hello?
Friend: There you are.
JYS: There we go [laughs] How are you?
Friend: I’m doing good. How are you?
JYS: At least I’m not at the cotton plant, picking cotton for the tampons of 10 year old girls.
Friend: You’re funny.
JYS: Like geez. That account isn’t mine by the way.
Friend: What do you mean?
JYS: I didnt make it.
Friend: Yeah right.
JYS: I didnt make it! I’m driving. I’m on the road.
Friend: Who made it then?
JYS: I don’t know, Donald?
Friend: Yeah right. Donald has nothing against her.
JYS: I don’t know, Donald’s a n*gger too.
Friend: How so?
JYS: Donald, umm I don’t know. He has a black soul and a black heart. He’s a n*gger. Hes a fucking dirty n*gger.
Friend: Ya, you’re not foolin anyone babe, you obviously made that one. You literally said “should I say it today?” And then that account is there? Ya, sure.
JYS: Well, I think she’s gonna be scared of me, and she’s not gonna show up.
Friend: You think she’s going to be scared of you? From that? I mean, I don’t even know if she knows it’s up or not.
JYS: Well, I’ll just call her a n*gger flat out in her face. Like fuck off n*gger. I’ll be like shouldn’t you be at the cotton plant? Like, my flow is really really heavy today, shouldn’t you be like picking the cotton for my tampons?
Friend: [laughs nervously]
JYS: Anyways, I’m going to call you back cause I’m going to go try to phone Sam. Okay?
Friend: Allright. Speaking of her, you saw that email, right? I’m pretty sure it’s fake, but still.
JYS: It’s fake.
Friend: You did say that, um, awhile back that you were sure that, you know what it is, but it’s kinda strange that [unintelligible, we?]
JYS: It’s fake though, she’s so in love with me. And I’m so in love with her. Ah, cmon, really.
Friend: Did you have a cute date yet?
JYS: What?
Friend: When is the last time you had a cute little date? Or a dinner date or something?
JYS: Uhhhh, a couple weeks ago?
Friend: Weeks ago?
JYS: What, I take her to McDonald’s.
Friend: Oh so romantic.
JYS: I’m kidding. No I don’t take her to McDonald’s, I’m not cheap. I’m not cheap, at all.
Friend: So where do you take her, Tom Hortons..er..Tim Hortons or something?
JYS: Tampon-hortons ohhhhhhh, ohhhh I know an account I can make. Imma make an account called tampon-hortons. And then tweet Drea, hey you wanna come work for us? We know you have experience picking cotton.
Friend: Do it. Do it, do it.
JYS: Oh. My. God. We know you have experience picking cotton for tampons.
Friend: I mean, you might want to think of a different joke, because the whole tampon thing, everyone will think it’s you. Like, everyone knows Donald is not into the whole tampon thing, ya know?
JYS: Donald is on a Canada wide arrest warrant.
Friend: Really? That’s so cool.
JYS: I know. And I know where he is too. So I’m gonna phone Ottawa police later and give them a heads up, saying so you know you have a fat ass pedophile roaming around um parliament and just so you know he’s on a warrant. So, can you like pick him up, and fuck him in the ass?
Friend: umm, what?
JYS: He..I don’t know. I love your hair by the way.
Friend: Thank you. I want you to get something like that. That would be cool. Your hair is long enough now.
JYS: I am not good at doing my hair. Just saying. I am not good at it.
Friend: Why not?
JYS: I don’t know. I made my hair more pink. I put some pink shampoo into my hair in the morning.
Friend: I love it.
JYS: It makes it nice and silky, and…
Friend: What does Sam think of it?
JYS. Sam loves it. [Talking to himself] I’m ahead by 500 meters. Hmm okay.
Friend: When are you getting married?
JYS: I don’t know, like soon.
Friend: Very soon? Like next month? Or August or something?
JYS: No. No. No, like next year or two.
Friend: Next year? Oh, okay. You’re going to wait that long? That’s a long time. You haven’t been on a date in a couple weeks though? [unintelligible, something about every day?]
JYS: I’m not going to rush it. I have school hun, I have school. Like.
Friend: So?
JYS: It’s kind of hard.
Friend: School isn’t 24 hours though.
JYS: I’m doing um, most of my classes online though, next term.
Friend: Then, then you don’t have to…
JYS: What fucking hazard is ahead? God, I hate Siri, it says hazard ahead. What hazard!? Is it Drea holding a big fucking tampon in the middle of the road? Of the highway? Did Drea just spill all the juice out of her pussy? Is that the hazard? Or is there a bunch of n*ggers in the highway?
Friend: You never know.
JYS: Where are they? Where’s the fucking hazard?! There’s no hazard here. There’s no hazard.
Friend: So you’re going to the courthouse then? Cause you said you’re going to see her so…
JYS: I’m going to get my [hearing aids?] fixed and then I’m going..um home. And then I’ll go to court. I guess.
Friend: Oh okay. You’re probably going to see her, huh?
JYS: Yeah. Oh that n*gger? Ya, probably. But let me phone you back because I wanna phone Sam and see how she’s doing.
Friend: Okay. Wait, one question though. The family. The 2 year old. What was it? The infant and the other family, right?
JYS: The what?
Friend: The family that died in the horrible car accident.
JYS: Oh yeah?
Friend: But how are they doing?
JYS: He’s doing okay, that’s what I wanna find out. He’s out of critical care. Um. He’s out of critical care. Umm. Ya. So…
Friend: And what about your daughter?
JYS: I don’t know.
Friend: You don’t know?
JYS: I don’t know. Remember, I haven’t met her yet. So..
Friend: Do you have a picture of her? Or like..
JYS: Oh ya. Oh ya, I have pictures of her. Of course I do. But, umm, ya. She’s really cute.
Friend: So what are you gonna..hold on.
JYS: What?
Friend: Sorry, I had to blow my nose for a second.
JYS: Can you imagine, um, meowmix finding out I have a 14 year old daughter?
Friend: Oh that would be bad
JYS: Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
Friend: I thought, I thought she was 16, right? Or she’s 14?
JYS: 14
Friend: I mean you still won’t give me a name, or I wanna see a picture. [Unintelligible] Super cute
JYS: No. I can’t. I can’t. Sam will kill me. Nope. I can’t.
Friend: So you can’t even send it to your own friend?
JYS: Nope. Nothing. I can’t.
Friend: You can’t..
JYS: I haven’t, I haven’t sent it to anybody. No.
Friend: Not even your own mom?
JYS: Mom knows.
Friend: Well that’s good at least. What’s the harm in me seeing it though?
JYS: Hmmm I can’t. She’ll kill me. She will fucking kill me.
Friend: Well don’t tell her then. That’s easy enough.
JYS: I’m not. No. No. She has like a psychic ability. She’ll know. She will know. Believe me, she will know.
Friend: I mean, did you show her our chats or something? I’ve sent you some weird pictures on here before, I hope you’re not sharing them with her.
JYS: No. How come..I got a question for you. How come you only take, when you take a picture, you only take half of your face?
Friend: Cause I don’t want you to see my whole face at the moment, I have acne going on right now. I look ugly right now.
JYS: Uhh
Friend: And plus you won’t even show me your daughter, so. Fairs fair.
JYS: You got acne?
Friend: Yes.
JYS: Really?
Friend: My skin sucks. I got hormonal acne. It sucks.
JYS: Then you need to take more..ummm..you need to get your hormone levels checked then.
Friend: Probably. I mean, um, I don’t know what’s going on with me. It sucks.
JYS: Hmm
Friend: I like your makeup though. Maybe I’ll try and get some foundation or something like that. I don’t know.
JYS: What?
Friend: I said maybe I’ll get some foundation or something like that. I like your makeup.
JYS: The foundation I use is, um, is Fit Me. It’s a Revlon or whatever. Maybelline Fit Me. Like color 122.
Friend: Okay. Maybe I’ll give that a shot. At least you like my hair. At least you like something.
JYS: It’s a, it’s a 12 dollar drug store makeup. And it does a better job then any of the other stuff honestly. Like, it all comes from the same place. Like.
Friend: True.
JYS: But yeah, I gotta phone Sam, okay?
Friend: Okay.
JYS: Okay. Bye.
[Next conversation]
JYS: Hello?
Friend: Hey.
JYS: I was just at the n*gger club. We picked your cotton for your tampons. How can I help you?
Friend: [laughs] So what’s up?
JYS: Oh my god that fucking piece of shit needs to get fucking run over by a car.
Friend: Well what happened? You didn’t give me like anything.
JYS: What happened was, I was coming out of my car with a whole bunch of wine glasses in 1 hand, and Rexy in the other hand, going towards the elevator. This guy comes out, from the elevator…um, and then approaches me and is like – if your dog ever comes towards my daughter again we’re going to have fucking big problems. Ahh what did he say? I’m going to fucking kill you and your dog. We’re going to have a big problem that dog comes near my daughter again, I’m going to beat the shit out of you, you fucking fat parasite. And I’m like, what the fuck is your problem, you fucking hillbilly? I literally called him a fucking pedophile down there too, down the parkade. I’m like, c’mon that’s not your daughter. You probably fuck her. I wouldn’t be surprised, if it is your daughter, if you fuck her and stick your dick inside of her.
Friend: Wait, did you say that to him?
JYS: I called him a pedophile, yeah.
Friend: But, he said *again*, what happened the first time?
JYS: I don’t know. Like. I never seen this guy before.
Friend: [Unintelligible] or something?
JYS: What?
Friend: Did the girl approach your dog before, or something like that?
JYS: Nooo, not that I’m…no I don’t think so. But..um..like..ya..ummm. this shit needs to stop. Hopefully the guy goes to jail. Hopefully.
Friend: Me too.
JYS: Hopefully the police do the right thing. And they don’t continue to say ohh, we don’t have any evidence, or we’re not going to do anything. Whatever. Something stupid like that.
Friend: Well did you record it or anything like that?
JYS: I got photos.
Friend: I mean, photos are not really the same thing.
JYS: I got photos. And there’s CCTV down there too.
Friend: Well, if he does it again, and you sue him, then the courts are probably going to ask you about the, the first time. So, I wouldn’t say I didn’t know.
JYS: You know, well if he does it again, I’m going to get him on video. For sure. For sure.
Friend: You sure you don’t know what happened, like, because I remember one time you told me you allowed Rexy to play with kids.
JYS: Uh, I let Rexy play with kids, but not that fucking pedophiles kid.
Friend: I mean the girl in the photo looked kinda scared, so..I don’t know.
JYS: What?
Friend: I mean I saw the [?face, the you know who?] I saw a photo of the kid.
JYS: Yeah.
Friend: She looked scared. So I don’t know.
JYS: My daughter could beat the shit out of that little shithead.
Friend: Oh, you never showed me a picture of your daughter.
JYS: I’m not going to show pictures of my daughter.
Friend: Why not?
JYS: I’m not going to do that. And..and..and that’s not to you, that’s to everybody. And that’s only for her protection and safety. I’m not going to do that.
Friend: Well, when are you going to bring her home? Or when are you going to adopt her?
JYS: I don’t know. Probably in like 2 years.
Friend: Well that’s good then. She’s like 14 or something?
JYS: Ya, she’s almost 15. But. [Unintelligible]
Friend: Where is she now, anyways?
JYS: What?
Friend: Where is she now?
JYS: Umm, I can’t say. I know where she is. She’s not with me. Or with Sam. But. I know..
Friend: If she’s not with either of you, is she in a foster home? Is it Sam’s daughter?
JYS: Ya it is.
Friend: So is it like a previous relationship? Like someone else?
JYS: [talking to Rexy now] You’re literally pushing into my stomach, bitch. You’re literally…what are you trying to do? I wanna go shower, and you’re right on top of me. Only person that can get on top of me is Sam. C’mon. Rexy. Rexy. You’re right on top of me. Like, you’re trying to fuck me. Like, c’mon, no. No. No. What are you trying to do? Rexy? The only one that can do that is Sam. C’mon. C’mon. Ah [heavy breathing] Get off.
Friend: [nervous laugh, audibly uncomfortable] um, if your daughter is with someone else, how do you plan on getting her? Is she like, with her father, or something like that?
JYS: Umm, no she lives with like foster parents. Um..
Friend: Well why can’t you just go get her now? Or why can’t Sam go get her now?
JYS: So, it doesn’t work that way. Umm. She is so fucking gorgeous. Holy shit, she’s gorgeous.
Friend: Your daughter??
JYS: Yeah.
Friend: Does Sam ever mention about, [unintelligible] like how did you find out?
JYS: What?
Friend: Like how did..uh..you said that..did Sam ever mention, how did you find out?
JYS: Sam told me.
Friend: That she’s really pretty?
JYS: Yesss, yeah.
Friend: No, I mean not Sam. Your daughter.
JYS: Yes. Very.
Friend: That’s so cool.
JYS: Very, very, very pretty. Holy shit.
Friend: Are you guys gonna do mommy daughter pagentries together?
JYS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I’m going to take care of that girl. Like. Like, you have no idea how well I’m gonna take care of her.
Friend: Like how?
JYS: I’m going to buy her anything that she fucking wants. Or try to, at least. Everything. Like take care of her. Give her a home. Give her food. Give her shelter. Give her everything that she needs. Medication. Healthcare. And all that.
Friend: Medication? Like what do you mean?
JYS: Well, if she’s sick, I get her meds.
Friend: I mean, does she have some kind of condition or something like that?
JYS: What?
Friend: Is she like, does she have monthly medication she has to take? Or are you talking about, like, if she gets [unintelligible] you’ll give her cold medication?
JYS: I mean like cold medication, like if she’s sick I’ll get her [unintelligible]. Ya, I’m just really happy. Cause, she’s SO pretty. She’s so so so pretty.
Friend: Have you gotten a chance to talk to her yet?
JYS: What?
Friend: Have you gotten a chance to talk to her yet? Or visit her yet?
JYS: I don’t know when it’s gonna happen. I don’t know yet. I need to..uh, I need to wake Sam up. I really need to wake up Sam. Like..
Friend: Is she in the same bed as you?
JYS: I need to wake her up. Um. But ya, I gotta go have a shower, cause I gotta be, I have a meeting in an hour. So I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Friend: Okay.
JYS: Okay. Bye.
Friend: Bye.
No doubt written by AI.
