Orbiter Kat Speculation - With guest appearances by her sister, Jenna

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Guess Kat's weight.

  • >200 lbs.

    Votes: 22 3.5%

  • 200 lbs.-250 lbs.

    Votes: 125 20.0%

  • 250 lbs.- 300 lbs.

    Votes: 110 17.6%

  • Damn that's a huge bitch.

    Votes: 369 58.9%
  • Total voters
    626
Trappin in the Trap said:
I like to think that Kat just told him to "sit and spin" and Phil's dumb ass took it literally.
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This is likely. But, that would assume she took half a second to acknowledge his presence in her dovah domain. If such a conversation went down, she more than likely would have told him to rotate on his wabbajack.
 
"Happy birthday, Kat! I got you something special!"

"Oh, Phil, you shouldn't have. Thank you. I wonder what it could be..." *unwraps present* "Oh... carpet cleaner. Umm, what?"

"Well, remember when I asked if you could have anything you wanted you said you wanted me to clean my goddamn office? Well here you go! Happy birthday!"
 
Sparkletor 2.0 said:
"Happy birthday, Kat! I got you something special!"

"Oh, Phil, you shouldn't have. Thank you. I wonder what it could be..." *unwraps present* "Oh... carpet cleaner. Umm, what?"

"Well, remember when I asked if you could have anything you wanted you said you wanted me to clean my goddamn office? Well here you go! Happy birthday!"
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My Dad once got my Mom a wheelbarrow with a broken wheel for her birthday. She basically said to him 'fuck you, return it'.

And that was still a better gift than what Phil got Kat.
 
Sparkletor 2.0 said:
"Happy birthday, Kat! I got you something special!"

"Oh, Phil, you shouldn't have. Thank you. I wonder what it could be..." *unwraps present* "Oh... carpet cleaner. Umm, what?"

"Well, remember when I asked if you could have anything you wanted you said you wanted me to clean my goddamn office? Well here you go! Happy birthday!"
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> Money gifted from parents
> Buys exercise bike
> Money gifted from parents
> Buys carpet cleaner
 
Here's how I imagine their day off;

- Kat and Phil wake up each in their respective bedroom.
- Phil dresses up and takes his water bottle to defend himself and spray the fucking declawed cat that is not allowed to have fun in his mature adult house.
- They both leave in the same car if Kat has anything she wants to buy at the shopping center/mall, and she drives. They split up on arrival.
- Kat's list of shit to buy is african tribalistic music, animal plushies and video games. Also the occasional clothing and gallons of makeup she can't apply.
- Phil gets the groceries that Khet had to write a list for the night before. He waddles to get them and also lies to Kat about having important buisness appointements.
- They both stop and eat fast food. Kat wants hot dogs or Taco Bell while dsp bitches and moan about it but still orders enough food for a family of 4.
- They both get home at 2PM, Kat locks herself up with Jasper and plays skyrim. DSP starts drinking and watches wrestling while spending a fortune on gay bejeweled.
- After their 6pm frozen dinner Kat watches an animated movie in the living room clutching her new plushie, Jasper is with her and tries to play with the plushie with his maimed paw. DSP is sitting on the other couch and is on his cellphone. He goat laughs everytime Ket comments on something on the movie but is not listenning.
- At around 10 Phil starts reading kiwifarms, he gets pissed and starts drinking again. He's typing a drunken rant on twitter.
- DSP goes to sleep at 2AM, ;that fucking bitch Kat left the cat out of her room and DSP locks the poor animal in his closet.
- DSP busts a nut to old Leanna's nudes and is still mad AF she left him.
 
Here's my version.
-Phail sleeps in til 12, calls grocery store for delivery groceries, reads the farms and whales on wwe champions the rest of the day.
 
Preferred Penne said:
-Posts a tweet about the AMAZING day off he had with Kat.
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It's like he needs to convince himself that this is what he wants. Anybody in a relationship who needs to constantly say how great and wonderful and amazing the time spent with their significant other is, chances are it's none of those things.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
It's like he needs to convince himself that this is what he wants. Anybody in a relationship who needs to constantly say how great and wonderful and amazing the time spent with their significant other is, chances are it's none of those things.
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Unless you do something new and exciting (trawl Groupon for fun shit like escape rooms, or axe throwing, or do one of those "break everything in the room for 20 minutes" places...), your weekend will be unremarkable and not worth gushing about. That's not to say the mundane time isn't enjoyable and worthwhile, it can totally be those things. But, waddling around where muh wife *thumbs toward door* works, getting taco bell, and playing manmeat bejeweled is hardly notable.

Then again, Phil can't just do mundane as has been pointed out time and time again. With how much of a goddamn reclusive, anti-social piece of shit he is, I don't have any doubt that he would be completely content never having to personally interact with another human being ever again. Amazon prime grocery and instacart for all his groceries, grubhub for fast food fast food, zoom calls for gout diagnosis... He never has to leave the house. But his horse needs to get out of the barn every now and then.
 
Schmeckel said:
Unless you do something new and exciting (trawl Groupon for fun shit like escape rooms, or axe throwing, or do one of those "break everything in the room for 20 minutes" places...), your weekend will be unremarkable and not worth gushing about. That's not to say the mundane time isn't enjoyable and worthwhile, it can totally be those things. But, waddling around where muh wife *thumbs toward door* works, getting taco bell, and playing manmeat bejeweled is hardly notable.

Then again, Phil can't just do mundane as has been pointed out time and time again. With how much of a goddamn reclusive, anti-social piece of shit he is, I don't have any doubt that he would be completely content never having to personally interact with another human being ever again. Amazon prime grocery and instacart for all his groceries, grubhub for fast food fast food, zoom calls for gout diagnosis... He never has to leave the house. But his horse needs to get out of the barn every now and then.
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Phil can only do mundane. Just like the time he and Leanna went on vacation, but just stayed in a hotel and watched TV the entire time.
 
Totally Awesome said:
Phil can only do mundane. Just like the time he and Leanna went on vacation, but just stayed in a hotel and watched TV the entire time.
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Well, yes. Phil only does mundane. But when he explains to his wheelchairs what he did, you'd swear that he was the most interesting man in the world.

Again, take a listen to any time he describes some meal that muh wife *thumbs toward door* cooks. She makes some stupid casserole from a box(throw shit in a casserole dish, cover with foil, oven for 30 minutes, done), but the way he describes it as if she slaved away making a delicious, gourmet, 100% handmade meal with the freshest hand-picked ingredients...it's so succulent and amazing that even Gordon Ramsay wouldn't call her an idiot sandwich. A one-of-a-kind sauce made completely from scratch....Oh it was so wonderful.

Or there's that video floating around of him swaying back and forth, telling the story about how he was TOTALLY in the party dorm, fridge always full of handles of liquor and beers, and he was messing around with some other dude's girlfriend, and there was a raging party one night, and the girl he was messing with came, and a fire alarm was pulled but she was totally passed out drunk, so great-guy Phil carried her outside, and somewhere along the way her boyfriend caught wind of Big Dick Energy Phil and was gonna attack him with a bowie knife... Blah blah blah.

Phil IS mundane. He merely puts on the air of having such a "robust" real adult life because the reality is so pitiful.
 
Phil wakes up at 9 am. Rushes to the en suite bathroom to comb his luxurious Italian hair that he washed 18 hours previously. He then races downstairs to eat his artisan bagel with bacon flavored cream cheese. Washes it down with hand squeezed tart cherry juice for gout prevention. And a little hair of the dog to take the edge off.

Then he gets Kat and it's off to the store. A grueling .5 miles later, they arrive. Phil has Kat go in and get him a mobility scooter because his back hurts.
Schmeckel said:
Well, yes. Phil only does mundane. But when he explains to his wheelchairs what he did, you'd swear that he was the most interesting man in the world.

Again, take a listen to any time he describes some meal that muh wife *thumbs toward door* cooks. She makes some stupid casserole from a box(throw shit in a casserole dish, cover with foil, oven for 30 minutes, done), but the way he describes it as if she slaved away making a delicious, gourmet, 100% handmade meal with the freshest hand-picked ingredients...it's so succulent and amazing that even Gordon Ramsay wouldn't call her an idiot sandwich. A one-of-a-kind sauce made completely from scratch....Oh it was so wonderful.

Or there's that video floating around of him swaying back and forth, telling the story about how he was TOTALLY in the party dorm, fridge always full of handles of liquor and beers, and he was messing around with some other dude's girlfriend, and there was a raging party one night, and the girl he was messing with came, and a fire alarm was pulled but she was totally passed out drunk, so great-guy Phil carried her outside, and somewhere along the way her boyfriend caught wind of Big Dick Energy Phil and was gonna attack him with a bowie knife... Blah blah blah.

Phil IS mundane. He merely puts on the air of having such a "robust" real adult life because the reality is so pitiful.
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Haha no. The boyfriend used a Bowie knife to cut water main and Phil couldn't save both girls so he just chose to leave both of them to die.
 
Sparkletor 2.0 said:
Haha no. The boyfriend used a Bowie knife to cut water main and Phil couldn't save both girls so he just chose to leave both of them to die.
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Fuck, I haven't heard the story in so long, I guess head-canon got the best of me. Either way, he just makes shit up to sound like his life is a bajillion times more interesting than it really is.

I would hazard a guess that if there's a "nugget of truth" to that tale... It was: There was a dorm party that he happened to waddle into, he stood in the corner and fantasized about some girl, drank shitty beer, fire alarm went off somehow, before he could 'tism-sprint away he was stopped by campus security and he mush-mouthed his way into saying "I dindunuffin!" Later on, his story became this overblown tale of being a total Chad who always had gin on hand and bitches at his door.

Edit - For clarification's sake, here's the video:
 
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Schmeckel said:
Fuck, I haven't heard the story in so long, I guess head-canon got the best of me. Either way, he just makes shit up to sound like his life is a bajillion times more interesting than it really is.

I would hazard a guess that if there's a "nugget of truth" to that tale... It was: There was a dorm party that he happened to waddle into, he stood in the corner and fantasized about some girl, drank shitty beer, fire alarm went off somehow, before he could 'tism-sprint away he was stopped by campus security and he mush-mouthed his way into saying "I dindunuffin!" Later on, his story became this overblown tale of being a total Chad who always had gin on hand and bitches at his door.

Edit - For clarification's sake, here's the video:https://youtube.com/watch?v=foI_LqJLNtk
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I had a fat fuck friend like Phil once. He lived in a trailer with his mother at the age of 25 and would hang out with highschoolers. He had the car, we had the parties to go to. Everything that ever happened that was out of the norm, he would regurgitate and spin it to where he was somehow involved. It could be another friend that did something and he would make shit up and pretend it was him.

I think there are the "nuggets of truth" to his stories, but everything involved is either exaggerated, fabricated, or he simply replaced someone else in a "zany" exciting story, with himself to be more appealing. The real truth is he's a fat fuck momma's boy who sat at home and played Street Fighter 2 all the time so he could come lone wolf to the arcades and sit in the back complaining his feet back hurts.

He would lash out on forums to "troll" for attention because the dude probably had no friends since everyone was a nigger. Him being an underdog is also a little snippet of truth, but that was all him because he was afraid someone would steal his bike that he most likely couldn't ride, and still couldn't ride to this day.
 
Schmeckel said:
Fuck, I haven't heard the story in so long, I guess head-canon got the best of me. Either way, he just makes shit up to sound like his life is a bajillion times more interesting than it really is.

I would hazard a guess that if there's a "nugget of truth" to that tale... It was: There was a dorm party that he happened to waddle into, he stood in the corner and fantasized about some girl, drank shitty beer, fire alarm went off somehow, before he could 'tism-sprint away he was stopped by campus security and he mush-mouthed his way into saying "I dindunuffin!" Later on, his story became this overblown tale of being a total Chad who always had gin on hand and bitches at his door.

Edit - For clarification's sake, here's the video:https://youtube.com/watch?v=foI_LqJLNtk
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Something tells me that he doesn't even know that he's wearing a band shirt.
 
SkippyLongbottom said:
Either trying to pose as a tough metal head or to compliment his cringey moniker, "King of Hate''.

Or both.
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There's no doubt in my mind that he only picked that shirt out because it said "Hate" on it and because it looked cool.

EDIT: I just remembered when he played one of the GTAs and Raining Blood by Slayer came on the radio and he said "Is this Gravity by Metallica?" :story:
 
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