Lolcow KingCobraJFS / Josh Saunders - Amateur musician, YouTube Streamer, wandmaker, and self-proclaimed "sexy goth badboy". Perpetually circling the drain.

Quandale Octavius Dingle said:
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It'd be a huge fire hazard considering how much the boy smokes indoors and the last thing the gothic trailer needs is more fire kindling. But that gets me thinking how funny it would be to watch live and hear "brrrrr whir whir whir whir whir whir brrrrr" then hear the gothic wizard file it into a binder, or stack. Dude could have charged whatever he wanted for a physical print donate to talk shit and null would have set it up for him for free. Though it'd have to actually be moderated so gay-logs don't try sending sicko shit. Although another unintentional appearance of Alex Warlord Campbell's unflattering dick pics on stream would be hilarious.
He could be earning passive income from the comfort of his wizardly single wide surrounded by stacks of sure to be meaningless correspondence for the non boglim Josh.
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I’d also see him punching the fax machine out of frustration and breaking it like he does his phone sometimes.
 
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Agamemnon Busmalis said:
Imagine Dune if Cobra was Paul
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“Who the fuck are you, dood?" Cobra whispered. "How did you trick my dad into leaving? Are you a trole?”

"I presented him with many fine dresses to try on. I am not a trole, no, I am neither tard whisperer nor tard wrangler. I am part of the ancient order of Tard Priests. I am the Priestess of Tardom. Now shut the fuck up." A dry finger touched Cobra’s open mouth and he stilled the involuntary urge to leap away.

"Good," she said. "You pass the first test. Here’s the second part; If you take your hand out of this box, you’re gay. Forever. This is the only rule. Keep your hand in the box and you like licking walnuts. Take it out and you’ll reveal to world and your dearest Ellen that you chug man semen…straight from the tap.”

Cobra took a deep breath to still his trembling but the DTs were too much. "I’m not fucking gay, dood! This is bullshit!”

"You affinity for penis remains to be seen. You should feel honoured, we seldom administer this to test to men of the Saunders clan. You are naturally as gay as the day is long, it is your genetic impurity.”

The burning urge to remain straight for Ellen reduced Cobra’s fear to a manageable level. He heard truth in the old woman's voice, no denying it. This is truly the homo test, his father spoke about it at times in hushed tones over a few shandys. There was no way out, she had placed the deadly Gum Jabber directly in his rotten tooth. One false move and he’d never drink another girly homo drink again, the pain would forever piece his soul. He remembered the Litany against Trolls that his father taught him in middle school, he used it to cope with being called a window licking sissy boy. He never licked windows but that’s what they called him and it was a confusing scenario for Cobra.

"Fuck the trolls. The trolls are the real homos. If I give into the trolls, I’ll be a sicko. I will NEVER be a sicko. I will let this bullshit go because the past is the past. One day I will be a sex torture demon in Hell. Ellen will touch my penis and I will rape the trolls in Hell. Only me and my clocktower mansion in Hell will remain. Fuck sickos.”

He felt calmness return, said: "Test me if you dare because I am not gay, YOU are the gay one.”

"Gay!" she snapped. "You've got some balls and that can't be denied. Well, we shall see who is indeed the skin flute professional today, m’lord."
She bent close, lowered her voice almost to a whisper. "You will feel a penis in this hand within the box. A weirdly shaped penis. But! Withdraw the hand and I'll stab your root canal with my Gum Jabber -- You'll never sip a single cup of mead again. Withdraw your hand and the Gum Jabber fucks you. Understand?"
“Who’s penis is it, dood?”
“Warlord Campbell’s penis.”
He felt increased tingling in his hand, pressed his lips tightly together.
“I bet Puff is still alive”, he wondered. The tingling became a sensation. A veiny sensation.
Cobra clenched his left hand into a fist as the weird phallic object started to force its way into his hand. It mounted slowly: heat upon heat upon heat . . . upon heat. He felt the fingernails of his free hand biting the palm. He felt his own penis start to move but he dared not draw attention to it. He tried to flex the fingers of the burning hand, but couldn't move them.
"Dood this is fucking completely uncalled for," he whispered.
"Silence!"
Multiple penises throbbed up against his hand. Sweat stood out on his forehead. Every fiber cried out to withdraw the hand from this weirdly gay test….but…..the Gum Jabber!

And without warning….it stopped.
Cobra felt his right arm trembling, felt sweat bathing his body.

"Enough," the old woman muttered. "No Saunders have ever withstood that much homosexuality without succumbing to their naturally gay, base desires. There may be hope for you yet.”

“Hope for what doot?”

“Hope for us to resist the advanced cyber trannies, Cobra. They pass so well, nobody can tell. We all eventually end up being gay without even wanting to be, it’s the troles ultimate plan. You may hold hope for us all. She may be defeated yet.”

“Who’s she?”

“The Baroness Flaptits.”
 
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Agares said:
He'd just bum all the spice off the Fremen and become a Guild Navigator. Who knows though, maybe it would amplify his Gothic powers into something far more powerful than a wizard.
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"What up yootoob, we got a new drink combo. Some of age fan girls send me this booz is called "water of life", let's mix that with some nice room temp peach busch and mountain dew"
 
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Molly Millions said:
Thats why you leave the bathroom window open and write in the instructions to hand it in

Toilet pizza toobz yeeeetttttthhh twu
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Needed a handwritten note to tape to the door.

"I did not order anything but if it's paid for, leave it at the door"

"I am not gay, I am straight"

"fuck the troles"
 
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Meat Streets said:
We were THIS CLOSE to having Null subsidize Cobes. I think that's as close as our boy has gotten to a sick watchtower mansion. JOSH4JOSH would have been such a fun timeline, toobz.
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Null: Josh... I am paying you. I NEED you to send me the letters on time as soon as possible. There are serious institutions who are saying they sent sixteen letters and I haven't gotten a single one. They're saying they sent eight warning messages. I'm liable for court fees. This is a possible felony. I gave you one job.
Cobes:
 
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GameratePTSD said:
Null: Josh... I am paying you. I NEED you to send me the letters on time as soon as possible. There are serious institutions who are saying they sent sixteen letters and I haven't gotten a single one. They're saying they sent eight warning messages. I'm liable for court fees. This is a possible felony. I gave you one job.
Cobes:
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Null really wanted a man who mixed up sweet and unsweetened tea, unclogged a Wendy's toilet with his bare hands and can't even be assed to make a few painted sticks a month to be his mail sorter.

Old cobes did have a work ethic though but that went the way of his hair and teeth.
 
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Agares said:
Null really wanted a man who mixed up sweet and unsweetened tea, unclogged a Wendy's toilet with his bare hands and can't even be assed to make a few painted sticks a month to be his mail sorter.

Old cobes did have a work ethic though but that went the way of his hair and teeth.
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Null is a good guy (gluckgluckgluck) and he heroically takes on a lot of pressure just to let us shitpost on the internet, but he's also really stupid sometimes.
The very idea that he tried to give Cobes a job with mail is hilarious.
 
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GameratePTSD said:
Null is a good guy (gluckgluckgluck) and he heroically takes on a lot of pressure just to let us shitpost on the internet, but he's also really stupid sometimes.
The very idea that he tried to give Cobes a job with mail is hilarious.
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He's new to Cobes so I can cut him some slack. Many people have tried to help the BOY but the only "help" he's receptive towards is free money, food, weed and booze.
 
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“I’m done breaking my phones to be quite honest”
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Agares said:
I ordered Domino's tonight and sadly even though it was paid for, they didn't leave it at the door while I was in the shower. *sigh*
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Did you leave a note on the door?

Slim Boglim said:
“I’m done breaking my phones to be quite honest”
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Is this phone 5 now? I'm astounded I've paid attention to this regard this much that I can count all the times he's tarded out and broke his phone. It's 5, right?
 
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LiquidChrisRespecter said:
People are jumping to the conclusion that Cobies broke his own phone.

I know he's got form for it, but if the bog hag is back on the scene, I can't imagine she's completely forgiven all the shit he's talked about her.
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Cobes does it so much normally I wouldn't even think it was nal related but she stopped posting around the same time so seems like it's atleast possible it was related to her in some way.
 
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