Lolcow KingCobraJFS / Josh Saunders - Amateur musician, YouTube Streamer, wandmaker, and self-proclaimed "sexy goth badboy". Perpetually circling the drain.

[somevan712]

So NAL’s mod Sally betrayed her and she told HRH (YouTuber that covers NAL) that Jessica cheated on Cobes twice and told Sally all about it.

See guys, this is why JESSICA BOYLE is the victim in all of this. Everyone always betrays or abandons her, all she ever did was treat Sally with the respect JESSICA BOYLE feels she deserved. Feel bad for her, give her money for alcohol, let her rant, care about her but no not like THAT YOU BITCH. AHHHHH WHAT DID I DOOOOOO TO YOUUUUUUUU SALLY.

What's crazy is how obsessed JESSICA BOYLE was with Cobra's attention. Talking about how she's not good enough for Cobra, she's ugly, no one loves her, yet she's fucking other men? "No man has ever treated me as nicely as you," yet she cheats on him multiple times?

Spoiler: Sperging

She'll never see how she's the problem in her life. She's the cause of everything she complains about. (The same applies to Cobra, in general.)
Her lack of money is because she doesn't have a job, and she wastes every dollar she earns is given. Everyone fights with her because she picks fights with everyone. She believes everything is a slight against her, and people should know better than to mess with JESSICA BOYLE. Men don't stay with her because she treats them like shit and cheats on them.

She doesn't see other people as having their own real lives. She has never felt sonder:

The feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles:

She doesn't want to be screamed at, berated, harassed, or insulted, yet that's precisely what she does to everyone around her. She doesn't fucking matter to a single person who sees her on any given day. She matters even less as soon as she opens her mouth.

Her upbringing, home environment, genetics, etc., all played a role in who she is today. And she is a trash person. Many lolcows (and people in general) fail to see or understand other people as having a life like their own, and seeing that their life matters too. A lack of empathy, quite simply put.

 

[Catboy Ranch Dressing]

Somehow, I forgot all about the vomit response in this one. I remembered him whining like a little bitch, but I didn't remember him actually throwing up. Apartment 1 still! TWUMD.

Probably because it was entirely off-camera. When he gets back on camera he's moaning about his stomach burning. Then he keeps going back off-camera to puke into the trashcan.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

@somevan712 Jessica was always the biggest demogorgon in her own life.

 

[Jimmy snipes]

Hahahaha I had to pozload my neghole just once

 

[somevan712]

Hahahaha I had to pozload my neghole just once

Kill yourself.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

New chicken tendies review toobs.

 

['Ole Dente]

Hahahaha I had to pozload my neghole just once

You’re gay and homosexual. Don’t touch it.

Btw I saw this today and it reminded me of the time the boy was doing raps in the bathroom of a Buffalo Wild Wings and he was accosted by some delightful neighbours who called him racist.

 

[Big Nasty]

Jessica's nudes are absolutely Lovecraftian. Reminds me of Tsathoggua.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

You’re gay and homosexual. Don’t touch it.

Btw I saw this today and it reminded me of the time the boy was doing raps in the bathroom of a Buffalo Wild Wings and he was accosted by some delightful neighbours who called him racist.

View attachment 7435759

He was accosted by some "others" saying "ayo, Gothic King Cobra is rayciss!"

 

[Candover]

Jessica's nudes are absolutely Lovecraftian. Reminds me of Tsathoggua.

De Vermis Mysteriis probably has a section about Jessica. She's an irl "shambler from the stars" that Josh unwittingly brought into this world. She won't stop until the boy is just an empty husk.

 

[PetiteFeet]

tried getting into this guy a really long time ago, but he just seems like a more boring OUMB. am i missing out?

You are but at the same time, getting into Cobra now is NOT fun. Not at this moment. We're staring into the maw of the beast, we just don't know when we'll see the end. Before the second eviction and NAL, he was already on a downwards trajectory. The only thing that has changed is the speed with which he's hitting rock bottom.

Classic Cobra is one of my favourite lolcows and if I could meet that starry-eyed kid, I would buy him a beer. The Trapped documentary is an honest look into what the boy used to be.
If you want to get into Cobes, I echo the other farmers who praise Seizure Robot 5000's content. His call-in streams can be kind of cringe but Seizure himself is effortlessly funny, his original Cobra content like the animations he uses in Snakebones are inspired and Snakebones as a podcast is perfect for having in the background while doing housework.

Modern Cobra is a tour de force of a slow burn and the amount of poo-touchers makes his live content really unfun to watch unless edited down. Boglim Chronicles is a bit of an alog but his edited videos are a good substitute for what Bitesize Cobra Vids (colloquially known simply as Bitesize) used to put out. Bitesize has become a bit of an alog himself because of how much of a shitheel modern Cobra is but his longform documentaries are all worth a watch if you find yourself smitten with the boglim.

Personal favourites that got me into Cobra:

 

[Paul Revere Pantry Raider]

Personal favourites that got me into Cobra:

Although always delusional and weird - It's hard to remember that he was once coherent and possibly capable of an actual conversation.

 

[Epikusername4]

sick gothic grizzly adams/homeless vietnam vet/ carp hybrid generically bred to perfection to hunt down sicko rapists and to protect ozzy and his grandkids (that he will NEVER touch even if they were interested in him)

 

[Wintermute_Zero]

Probably because it was entirely off-camera. When he gets back on camera he's moaning about his stomach burning. Then he keeps going back off-camera to puke into the trashcan.

Don't forget the banger line "Fuck I need flour and water" and the fact that he smokes a cigarette immediately after throwing up because it was so spicy.

 

[Johnny Dang]

What's crazy is how obsessed JESSICA BOYLE was with Cobra's attention. Talking about how she's not good enough for Cobra, she's ugly, no one loves her, yet she's fucking other men? "No man has ever treated me as nicely as you," yet she cheats on him multiple times?

I'd be willing to be two month's pay that her "obsession" isn't much more than a performance.

IMO she wanted to attach herself to a cow and did it the only way she knows how - by fucking a vulnerable one. She's a whore and a really dumb one, but she's been successful at manipulating people around her with a similarly low IQ.

Analyzing these cows is a fun thought experiment, but I really think people give them too much credit.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Although always delusional and weird - It's hard to remember that he was once coherent and possibly capable of an actual conversation.

I miss him conjuring thunder storms and turning the traffic lights green. Riding bike, weather permitting. I almost want to say I miss the Scrapper Steve arc buuuuut I'd rather have a second duster arc than Scrapper Steve making a return.

 

[Acoustic Virgin]

With the current state of Cobes' hair loss, what would be a good hairstyle for him? His "lollipop dropped on the floor of a barbershop" look is downright horrifying, but how could he make the most of what hair he has left? Cut it short and sport the George Costanza? Shave it all and look like Papa Clint?

I just can't picture him without the luscious gothic locks, so I'm having trouble envisioning any alternatives.

 

[GameratePTSD]

With the current state of Cobes' hair loss, what would be a good hairstyle for him? His "lollipop dropped on the floor of a barbershop" look is downright horrifying, but how could he make the most of what hair he has left? Cut it short and sport the George Costanza? Shave it all and look like Papa Clint?

I just can't picture him without the luscious gothic locks, so I'm having trouble envisioning any alternatives.

He just needs to give it a little combover toobz, it's fine.

Serious answer, shave it and grow a handlebar moustache. He'd look cool. Well okay maybe not cool, but... better.

 

[cobra fucker]

With the current state of Cobes' hair loss, what would be a good hairstyle for him? His "lollipop dropped on the floor of a barbershop" look is downright horrifying, but how could he make the most of what hair he has left? Cut it short and sport the George Costanza? Shave it all and look like Papa Clint?

I just can't picture him without the luscious gothic locks, so I'm having trouble envisioning any alternatives.

He doesn't have the patience for this, but he should braid out the side hair and the beard and go full viking.

For something more normal, imagine Cobes with a cleanly shaven scalp and a goatee.

 

[CheesyBoy]

With the current state of Cobes' hair loss, what would be a good hairstyle for him? His "lollipop dropped on the floor of a barbershop" look is downright horrifying, but how could he make the most of what hair he has left? Cut it short and sport the George Costanza? Shave it all and look like Papa Clint?

I just can't picture him without the luscious gothic locks, so I'm having trouble envisioning any alternatives.

Goth as fuck.

Edit: I think I thumbnailed it, correctly, but I am also retarded, so I may have fucked up.