Let's Sperg kiwifarms.net Plays Coming Out On Top - Bros Are Hoes

My mistake.

Patrick: What's in it for you?

Adam: If you want me to keep a lid on my relationship with Senator Healy's son, it'll cost you.

Patrick: Oh, I see. How much are we talking about here?

Adam: Oh, I dunno. I'm thinking six large, unmarked, in a brown paper sack. And rubberband that shit.

Patrick: It's clear you mean business, Mr. Sandler. One moment. Let me call Senator Healy right now, I'll see if I can produce the funds. I'll see you downstairs.

Narrator: You stroll back to the ballroom. You smile when you see Phil, feeling of warmth in your chest spread and rise to your face.

Adam: Hey, Phil.

Phil: I just talked with Patrick.

Adam: Oh.

Phil: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SHOW YOU WHAT I LEARNED IN BOOT CAMP.

Adam: (thinking) Opps. Looks like it's time to leave.

Narrator: Whoops. That could've gone better.

*SNIP*

Penny: I'm sorry the whole thing with Phil didn't work out.

Ian: It's so weird how you guys seemed so into each other and then it just stopped.

Adam: Oh you know, things happen.

Penny: Maybe I should try setting you up with...Hmm. Wait. This is weird. Is it possible? I don't think I've got any cousins left to set you up with.

Ian: Dude, I think you've unlocked an achievement.

Then you get the regular ending. Now that the main guys are done, the game is nice enough to supply you with some one-shot bonus dates. I'll provide a list of the ones available and you guys can pick out which one you want to try...

Jake: The pink haired progressive gamer.
Tommy: A high-profile lawyer with money.
Frankie: The fancy-pants rich boy.
Luke: The Irish rugby playing bro.
Cesar: A hot Hispanic who is not what he seems.
Terrance: A secretive, pierced pretty boy.
Donovan: An older, yet odd man.
Oz and Pete: A couple looking for an extra.
 
Ok, the last to date options came a few days ago and you can help me pick from them with the others.

Theo: A nerdy guy look for some measurements.
Me Time: Forget getting a date and just jerk off for the night.
 
entropyseekswork said:
Go out with Theo
Click to expand...

Narrator: You read Theo's profile.



Adam: (thinking) Hmm. Definitely appealing, but I wonder why he needs someone with those measurements? (talking) This could be some weird fetish territory that I'm wandering into. PENNY! IAN! GET IN HERE!

Ian: You rang?

Penny: Why are you yelling?

Adam: I need help figuring something out. There's this guy on my Brofinder who's looking for some REALLY specific measurements. Like down to the half inch. Any clues to what that's about?

Penny: Hmmmm, that's odd.

Ian: Isn't it obvious, dude?

Adam: Enlighten me, Ian.

Ian: He's clearly looking for a suitable penis jousting partner.

Adam: What's penis jousting?

Ian: It's where two dudes put action figures on their erections then run at each other, trying to knock them off. Obviously you guys need to be the same height.

Adam: I seriously doubt he's looking for a penis joust. It's not those kinds of measurements.

Penny: In that case, he's probably a serial killer who needs a new flesh suit and wants a good fit.

Adam: Jesus you two! Look, just forget I said anything. I'll find out what this is all about.

Ian: (whispering to Penny) It's probably just a dude who wants to steal Adam's clothes.

Penny: (whispering back) I'd love to see the look on the thief's face when he opens a drawer and finds seven identical gray t-shirts.

Adam: GUYS!

Penny: We're leaving.

Adam: Alright, here we go.

Narrator: You message Theo.



Alright, everyone take your bets on why Theo needs the measurements.
 
Theo: Not bad, but not great. I've got a bit of a problem.

Adam: What's going on?

Theo: If I can be straight forward here, do you actually fit those measurements?

Adam: Yep. My inseam is more like 31.278 inches, but that's close enough, right?

Theo: Sweet. I need you to hang out with me for several hours tonight.

Adam: Does my 31.278 inseam excite you?

Theo: Well, yes. That's the perfect for the tux you need to wear for my 10th year high school reunion.

Adam: Wow. This is unexpected. I mean if that's what gets you off...

Theo: No. No. This isn't a fetish. See, my boyfriend and I broke up last week and I'm in a bit of a jam. I'm asking you to pretend to be my date.

Adam: High school reunion, huh?

Theo: I'm not going to lie. You'll be making conversation with a lot of strangers, engaging in pointless festivities, and suffering through painfully boring slide shows.

Adam: Um, tell me again why I should do this? I mean, it's obviously not a real date and clearly not sexual.

Theo: Because I'm willing to pay quite well. But before we talk payment, I want to be clear. You MUST be able to make me look good, and come across as charming, gregarious and erudite. I've already rejected several applicants. Half of them don't even know what erudite means. Do you?

 
wow, we're still doing this!

by the way, choose "it mean knowledgeable"
 
Theo: Ok, whew. Glad you knew that one. So let's discuss your payment. I'll pay you three hundred.

 
say "I'll take it." nigger, you know you're a broke ass college student who needs it.
 
vOIwimI.jpg


this is a wonderful masterpiece of a game.
 
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Theo: The reunion's being held at my high school gymnasium. I'll pick you up at five. I'll bring my ex's tuxedo. Unless, of course, you want to bring your own.

Adam: I don't even have a suit.

Theo: Seriously? A suit is a basic wardrobe requirement.

Adam: I literally have seven of the same gray shirt, a button down and a sweater.

Theo: Wow. At least you won't have to think about what you're wearing that day.

Adam: Yeah, it's great.

Narrator: You sign off. You hop into the shower, shave and put on some cologne.

Later that afternoon...

Adam: That must be him.



Theo: Hey, Adam. (Hands garment bag containing the suit.) You're going to look really good in this.

Adam: Thanks. You look pretty good yourself. Make yourself at home while I slip into something less comfortable. I'd offer you some toast, but the toaster's broken.

Theo: That's ok. I'm good. Nice place. Do you have any roommates? (Footsteps can be heard.)

Penny: Yes, he does and I'm sure he'd love to introduce us! Wait...OH MY GOD! You're Theo Matapang, aren't you?

Theo: Oh man, I didn't think anyone would recognize me in the wild.

Penny: I've been following your career in game development for years! I think I'm going to...

Adam: NO, PENNY!

Penny: I'm going to...

Ian: Penny, remember our last roommate meeting? This is a squee-free zone.

Penny: (storms out to the kitchen) SQUEEEEE!

Adam: Damnit! I thought we de-squeed the kitchen.

Ian: No man, that's where I squee.

Penny: (runs back to the living room) You guys don't understand! Theo is the mind behind some of the most revolutionary indie games in the last six years!

Ian: That's sweet of you to say, Penny. Thank you.

Penny: He made this game where you die and you realize you were playing a game. But them you realize you were playing a game, you die and you realize you're a character in another game. See, you were just playing a game within a game. After dying multiple times, you come back to normal life, with this sense real life is a game.

Adam: Wow, that's really interesting. It looks like it reflects on the absurdity of life. A cautionary tale about placing too much importance on any one thing that might happen.

Ian: Actually, dude, it sounds like it's a reflection on how awareness can transcend the very reaches of space and time. And the nature of awareness, which surpasses the actual illusion of identity and individuality, at least when looking at the total nature of reality.

Adam: Ian...

Theo: No, actually, I think Ian has it right.

Adam: Alright, I'm going to go change.

Narrator: Theo escorts you to a high-end, luxury sports car and the two of you depart for the reunion.

Theo: I should probably brief you on the situation. So, as you know, I just broke up with my boyfriend. The long distance thing wasn't working out. Thing is, I RSVPed on this invitation a while ago.

Adam: So I'm going to be your arm candy?

Theo: Not just that. I need you to help me rub everyone's noses in how successful I am. My classmates know I became a tech mogul. It's going to look bad if I don't have a boyfriend. I really want to show them I have it all.

Adam: Ok, but why?

Theo: I know it sounds petty, but I guess you weren't bullied and mocked in high school like I was. Those assholes need to know that I'm successful beyond their wildest dreams. While I've been reaching greater and greater heights in my career, I've been fantasizing about this reunion for years. And then my boyfriend-well, my ex-and I split up a week before it happens. Great timing.

Adam: Wow, your experience sounds pretty tough. Maybe you need to talk with someone about it, help you get over it...

Theo: I probably should. But I think this is going to feel way more satisfying.

Adam: Hmm. I get it. Sort of. I don't know. I mean, is all of this really gonna to help you out?

Theo: I don't see what's wrong with a little low level Machavellianism, for my psychological and emotional health.

 
bearycool said:
vOIwimI.jpg


this is a wonderful masterpiece of a game.
Click to expand...
It's got a unique charm to it.

Since there has been no answer I decided to roll a die and am going with the third choice, "Game on."

Theo: I'm glad you see it that way. There's a real bias against being vindictive in this society.

Adam: I get it. People should pay the price for being vindictive jerks. It might not be pretty, and it might not be nice, but life just isn't sunshine and lollypops.

Theo: You're speaking my language, Adam. I think a lot of people would try to guilt me or try to convince me to move past those feelings.

Adam: Whatever you need me to do, I'll help out as much as I can.

Theo: Excellent to hear.

Adam: So what's our story? So you have a plan in terms of what you want me to say?

Theo: Just follow my lead. I find that things just work better when we play it by ear. The spontaneity makes everything seem real.

Adam: All right. I'll make everything seem amazing.

Narrator: You reach the high school, a sprawling brick structure in the suburbs of Orlin. Balloons and banners decorate the front, welcoming the alumni. You watch Theo take a deep breath as you enter and proceed down the hall.

Adam: Are you okay?

Theo: Yeah, ha, ha. (voice grows smaller) Everything looks so much smaller. Don't mind me. Just reliving old, tragic movies in my head.

Narrator: Theo approaches a banquet table positioned in front of a pair of swinging doors. Seated at the table, laid out with a dozen name tags, is a fifty-something woman in a black cardigan and a scene haircut.

Woman: Theo Matapang! It's so wonderful to see you!

Theo: Oh wow, good to see you Ms. McFadden. How's life treating you these days?

McFAdden: Ridic, fam. But YOLO, right?

Theo: Um, sure. YOLO indeed. (looks at seating chart) I was if you'd sit me... (peers at map and points to corner) Right here.

McFadden: Oh next to Crystal and Keith Horner and Jimbo Madison?

Theo: Crystal and Keith got married? Ha, it figures.

McFadden: Well, they happen to be the judging committee for tonight's contest. You're not trying to (leans in) sway the judging? Ha, ha, ha! You wouldn't do that. You were always such a sweet, honest and charming young man.

Theo: Very funny, Ms. McFadden. I just want to see what all three of them are up to.

McFadden: Well, okaaaay. But you owe me a dance, Theo.

Theo: Of course, Ms. McFadden.

McFadden: You know the lambada, the forbidden dance? (glances at you) You better put a ring on this one, kiddo. He's a real catch. (You grin at Theo who is hiding his embarrassment.) The shy ones are real beasts in the sack.

Theo: (quickly leads Adam out) Uh yeah, Ms. McFadden taught junior year chem. I remember she did a series of lessons with radium until the school board had to stop her. She liked how the radium glowed and lit her hand up. She would turn it over and over muttering, "I love you, too".

Adam: Oh God.

Narrator: You follow Theo into the gymnasium. You make your way through the thongs of twenty-somethings dressed up for a fancy evening. After hobnobbing for a few minutes, Theo returns to your side.

Theo: Sorry about that. I don't want to sound cynical, but I wonder if they'd even care to say hello to me if I didn't have an article in Tech Times. How are those quiches?

Adam: Quiche is actually a pretty funny word. It sounds more like a bodily function. "I think I just quiched my pants." It's crazy, right?

Theo: That's disgusting. (He then smiles.) If I wasn't so wound up, I'd be cracking up.

Adam: Then don't be so wound up then.

Theo: Too bad I'm not here to relax, Adam.

Narrator: You follow Theo to the center table at the gym. One woman and two men, one wiry and one husky, watch the two of you approach.

Jimbo: Holy shit, it's Pee-O!

Theo: Oh hey guys, it looks like we were assigned to the same table.

Adam: I'm Adam. Adam Sandler. I'm Theo's fiance.

Keith: Well...fucking-a, Theo. A boyfriend, it's about fucking time. Weren't you a total loner? I don't even remember you going to prom.

Narrator: Theo pulls you a chair and your dinner is served. People begin chewing through their tough steaks as a projector begins playing a slide-show demonstration. A photo of Theo shows him looking distraught as he stares at his locker, its door covered in maxi pads. Keith and Jimbo burst into laughter.

Keith: I remember that. Then we found out Theo was more of a tampon guy.

Theo: Ha, ha! Very funny. (says quietly) At least I'm not trapped in a perpetual state of adolescence.

Narrator: After several minutes, an old pop song blasts through the speakers, waking you up. As if on cue, Ms. McFadden appears over Theo's shoulders with the scent of alcohol on her breath.

McFadden: There you are, Theo. Let's dance! Now don't get frisky or take advantage of me, Theo.

Theo: I'll try to control myself.

Narrator: You look at Theo in panic as you realize that you're being left alone at the table.

Keith: You know, I'm surprised that Theo showed up. Seems like he's changed a ton.

Adam: I didn't know him back then so I can't comment.

Keith: I mean no offense, but he was kind of a dork. I'm just wondering, has he really changed all that much? Or is it just some kind of act?

 
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Rolled a dice and we're going with the first choice.

Crystal: I noticed you guys aren't wearing rings, though. Why's that?

Adam: I guess we're just non-traditional. We see the commitment and the relationship as the important things. The symbols and all that stuff really don't matter. In any case, he's warm, brilliant, funny, independent and honest almost to a fault.

Crystal: Huh. Sounds like he's clearly come out of his shell.

Keith: Yeah, not be the hopeless, tragic, failure like we all thought he'd be. In any case, enough about him. What do YOU do, Adam?

35676923455_d19347d1d7_b.jpg



So which one should I choose?
 
Randall Fragg said:
Number 2! Number 2!
Click to expand...
Jimbo: No shit? You sure don't look the type.

Adam: My bounty hunting codename is "Kitty-Kat", but don't let that fool you. I stalk my prey at night before they even know I'm there.

Crystal: That's...well...certainly interesting.

Adam: There is nothing more I love than watching the life drain from a man's eyes as I push my thumbs deep into his throat.

Keith: Aren't bounty hunters supposed to bring people in, you know, still breathing?

Adam: Usually. But I only take dead or alive contracts.

Jimbo: So you get paid to kill people? Sign me up!

Adam: You ever killed a man before, Jimbo?

Jimbo: No, but I think about it all the time.

Crystal: I'm sorry to interrupt, but this sounds like a lot of hooey. Let me ask you another question.

Adam: I'm all ears.

Crystal: I want to know all about your guys' relationship. What's it like? Are you serious?

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So how much hooey should we spread?
 
Crystal: That's so nice to hear.

Adam: How do you know when you're in love? When do you feel like every day is a blessing?

Crystal: Love is a blessing. The kindest blessing of all. That's how I feel about us, Keith and our four munchkins. (Makes a kissy face with her husband.)

Adam: True. Too true. (Theo makes it to the table.) You made it back! I thought I lost you.

Theo: I'm alive. Shaken, but alive. Hey, I remember this song. Would you care for a dance, Adam?

Adam: I'd love to.

Theo: So I didn't mean to leave you stranded, but I figured you had the wit to pull it off. How'd it go back there? I'm hoping you kept the story consistent.

Adam: Not sure if it was consistent, but I think it went ok.

Narrator: Your bodies draw near as you dance. His fingers feel warm against yours. Heart beating faster as you hold your body close, you could almost believe you're a couple. He rests his head against your shoulder, you start to feel as though you wish this was a date.

Adam: (Thinking) Maybe I could kiss him and make it look legit.

Theo: You seem like you're enjoying this.

Adam: I think I am.

Theo: Good, I'm glad you're having fun at least. I'm...starting to think I came here for the wrong reasons.

Adam: Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Either way, you might as well make the best of it.

Theo: (Sighs and squeezes your arm) This dance is vastly better than the one with Mrs. McFadden.

Adam: She looked like she was enjoying herself.

Theo: I actually think she came, twice.

Adam: Oh God.

Narrator: Towards the end of the song, the emcee walks towards the stage with a willful, wide smile, waits for the crowds' attention.

Emcee: All right everybody, looks like our committee's given us their decision. Let's discuss the results of tonight's contest.

Narrator: Theo glances at you, nervous and smiling. The emcee rattles off a list of categories like "Least Improved", "Most Likely to Still be a Virgin", and "Why Aren't They in Prison Yet?", followed by the respective names of the winners. Theo seems absorbed in his phone but seems to perk up when he hears the final categories being read.

Emcee: The winner of "Most Successful"...Crystal and Keith Horner, for being the parents of four healthy children. Is there any greater success than a picture book high school romance followed by multiple offspring? The American Dream ladies and gentlemen.

Theo: (Sighs) I guess I didn't make any kind of impression at all. This was a bust. (You both walk back to the car.) Well, I'm not sure what happened, but I guess I'll take you home now.

Adam: What about the tux? You want to wait in the car while I-

Theo: No worries. Go ahead and keep it.

Narrator: Theo pays you and drops you off. You notice and despondent, faraway look on his face. Walking back to your apartment, your pockets a little heavier, you still feel like you missed something.

Adam: (thinking) Oh Well. Hey, free tuxedo.

THE DATE HAS ENDED.

The best way to score with Theo is to either do really well with the judges or screw-up big time (you'll get to see Adam's attempt to save the party due to this).

Now that's over, who do you want to go for next?
  • Jake the pink haired video gamer and advocate.
  • Tommy the rich lawyer with the promise of a very nice meal.
  • Frankie the jet-setting millionaire with a hot bod.
  • Luke the Irish rugby bro who want to chill with some Netflix.
  • Cesar the Hispanic hottie who wants to party.
  • Terrance the discrete, secretive pierced blonde.
  • Donovan the older family man who is looking for maturity.
  • Oz and Pete the happy couple looking for a threesome.
  • Or you can just "spend a little time with yourself" if you know what I mean.
 
Any, how about we go down the line? We'll start with the one with the train simulators line, Jake.
Narrator: You message Jake, introducing yourself. After chatting a bit, you've never been to the rotating resturant downtown. He texts you an hour later with a Groupit coupon for the buffet there, inviting you to dinner. Your heart skips a beat. A man who understands the very real limitations of being on a college budget? It could be true love.

You go downtown with plans to meet Jake a few blocks away from the restaurant, near the parking garage.

Adam: (Thinking) Manners and conversation are hallmarks of a good dinner partner. So topics. Gotta think about topics. Coming out? Too personal. Current events. The Pope is a hot topic right now. The basics? My life story? Little jokes? Wait, I don't want to seem over eager. Let your actions speak for themselves, Adam. Project a confident, masculine aura.

Narrator: Your internal debate rages on as you arrive at the meeting spot with time to spare.

Jake: Hey!

Narrator: Jake gives you a hug. His body feels good and solid and it calms you down a bit. His hair seems even pinker than in the pictures. You feel smallish next to his tall frame.

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Adam: (thinking) Ok, now breathe. And say something to him. (now talking) Nah. I love hanging out in the city. I mean, look at that sunset.

Narrator: You peer at a small patch of violet sky for a few seconds as you breathe in the city air.

Adam: Ahhhhh. I *cough* love the smell of exhaust. It makes me feel alive. I'm Adam, by the way.

Jake: I figured as much, though I was hoping that cute guys were randomly coming up to me for hugs.

Adam: Nope. Just me, heh.

Jake: Come on. Just you? I wouldn't put it like that.

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How should be respond?
 
I never got a response after all these months so I rolled a die and it will be the second choice.

Jake: Oooh, do I detect a blush? That's so cute!

Adam: Sorry. I think I'm a little nervous. I just need to shake these butterflies out of my stomach.

Jake: Ok, sure. Shake away

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