- Joined
- Aug 8, 2020
Warning: moderate to severe powerleveling ahead:
I'm most definitely not alone here when I say I don't like my past life and I don't like my current life. The healthy way to approach this, of course, is to assess what it is that is fucking up your life and take the necessary steps to minimize their impact while pressing forward to improve the things you can. The more common angle of approach, at least as I have seen, is to develop some form of coping mechanism so that you can either pretend your problems are not your responsibility or just flat out ignore them. Conspiracy theorists of many flags do the former by blaming the jews, systemic racism, the capitalists, the communists, etc. for all of their problems while some of the sufficiently autistic do the latter by wasting their life on vidya or gooktoons or weird spiritual beliefs about how things are totally going to be better afterthe merge whatever special event will lead them to ascension. But I haven't seen much discussion on one that I have identified in myself.
I never got along very well with my peers. I had a few friends, but I mainly got in with that group of idiots that likes breaking shit for the fun of it. What I liked, though, was learning. There were very few classes I remember struggling in, even in college. I would occasionally be berated for never taking notes by the handful of teachers that made a point about it. But I always performed well,. The few times I didn't get 100% on a test was because I misread a question. And it was because I actually enjoyed cramming my head with knowledge I'll never use and even spent a lot of my free time thinking about what it was that I was taught and burying my head in outrageously outdated encyclopedias (before my family finally got around to getting internet).
I played vidya too, and we had TV, but my favorite memories from my childhood stem from reading about this, that and the other thing in a 1950's era set of encyclopedias. I would see the "see also:" notes at the bottom of the page and couldn't contain my desire to know more. But it was because I hated my life. My consistent drive for knowledge was escapism in exactly the same sense that video games or fiction novels or whatever the fuck TV does these days is for many others. And it still persists today: "I don't want to deal with [problem], I want to play video games all day" has been replaced with me doing much the same, but I'm reading the wikipedia page on quantum chromodynamics or watching a video about how fermentation may have lead to the invention of agriculture.
I spent most of my life being fed optimism about my future on the basis that I could retain everything the teacher told me to regurgitate a week after the fact, and that I always seemed one step ahead of any given lecture. But it was precisely because everything else in my life was shit. I liked learning. I still like learning. That's basically all I fucking do when I'm not masturbating or shitposting here (I would add working to the list, but 90% of my workday is spent shitposting because my workplace is retarded). I'm not particularly intelligent. Math was easy most of the time but if it actually required using my head, I had a hard time. I just soaked up new information like a sponge.
My main question now is whether this is at all a common cope that warrants investigation or am I a lone retard here?
I'm most definitely not alone here when I say I don't like my past life and I don't like my current life. The healthy way to approach this, of course, is to assess what it is that is fucking up your life and take the necessary steps to minimize their impact while pressing forward to improve the things you can. The more common angle of approach, at least as I have seen, is to develop some form of coping mechanism so that you can either pretend your problems are not your responsibility or just flat out ignore them. Conspiracy theorists of many flags do the former by blaming the jews, systemic racism, the capitalists, the communists, etc. for all of their problems while some of the sufficiently autistic do the latter by wasting their life on vidya or gooktoons or weird spiritual beliefs about how things are totally going to be better after
I never got along very well with my peers. I had a few friends, but I mainly got in with that group of idiots that likes breaking shit for the fun of it. What I liked, though, was learning. There were very few classes I remember struggling in, even in college. I would occasionally be berated for never taking notes by the handful of teachers that made a point about it. But I always performed well,. The few times I didn't get 100% on a test was because I misread a question. And it was because I actually enjoyed cramming my head with knowledge I'll never use and even spent a lot of my free time thinking about what it was that I was taught and burying my head in outrageously outdated encyclopedias (before my family finally got around to getting internet).
I played vidya too, and we had TV, but my favorite memories from my childhood stem from reading about this, that and the other thing in a 1950's era set of encyclopedias. I would see the "see also:" notes at the bottom of the page and couldn't contain my desire to know more. But it was because I hated my life. My consistent drive for knowledge was escapism in exactly the same sense that video games or fiction novels or whatever the fuck TV does these days is for many others. And it still persists today: "I don't want to deal with [problem], I want to play video games all day" has been replaced with me doing much the same, but I'm reading the wikipedia page on quantum chromodynamics or watching a video about how fermentation may have lead to the invention of agriculture.
I spent most of my life being fed optimism about my future on the basis that I could retain everything the teacher told me to regurgitate a week after the fact, and that I always seemed one step ahead of any given lecture. But it was precisely because everything else in my life was shit. I liked learning. I still like learning. That's basically all I fucking do when I'm not masturbating or shitposting here (I would add working to the list, but 90% of my workday is spent shitposting because my workplace is retarded). I'm not particularly intelligent. Math was easy most of the time but if it actually required using my head, I had a hard time. I just soaked up new information like a sponge.
My main question now is whether this is at all a common cope that warrants investigation or am I a lone retard here?
Sometimes I wonder if being diagnosed and medicated is actually worse, than doing what I was doing.
