Leonard Arrives At The Pearly Gates
Saint Peter: Hello! Why if it isn’t Leonard F. Shaner! We’ve been expecting you!
Leonard: It’s Leonard F. Shaner Junior. That’s my name. Get it right.
Saint Peter: Yes, well, I see that now. Anyway…welcome Leonard. It will just be a minute…let me look at the paperwork here….
Leonard: Hey. Those gates you guys have leading into Heaven aren’t as fancy as the ones at Harrisburg station. The Pennsylvania Railroad really knew how to build gates. I bet you guys are embarrassed. Pennsy really knew how to build gates.
Saint Peter: What? Oh yes…gates…right. Leonard I’ll get right to the point. We seem to have a few problems here. I’m afraid I can’t let you into Heaven until we talk through a few things. You went to church…read your bible…but you haven’t exactly been a saint, have you Leonard?
Leonard: How dare you say that to me! Lies! What are these false charges you speak of!
Saint Peter: Let me look in the big book here. Not much in the 1970s…but 1978…that thing with the neighbor’s cat…but we can let that one go. 1980s…you nearly wore your penis down to a nub!…but we can sweep that under the rug. Here! Right here! In 2004 you belonged to a model railroad club and stole a miniature locomotive. What do you have to say about that?
Leonard: It’s a lie. Total lie. Did Dennis Blank put you up to this? Did he? He’s been after me for years. I never did nothing wrong. Nothing! I was framed on false charges. I never did anything. I still don’t know why they kicked me out of that club!
Saint Peter: Leonard, we have proof! Do you want to see the pictures?
Leonard: It never happened! That locomotive was in my parent’s basement when they bought the house. It was given to me as a gift. Dennis Blank is a lying sack of shit!
Saint Peter: Well, then what about this one? You tried to convince people that a locomotive was underwater in a quarry, even though you knew it was a lie. You just wanted attention.
Leonard: You’re making that up. Did Bob Lowe put you up to this? I never said those things. That locomotive is down there. I used to know a guy from the Pennsylvania Railroad and he told me about it.
Saint Peter: You don’t seem to understand that we already know what you’ve done! You can’t fake your way out of this. What about the impersonations of Federal officials, Steamtown executives, Ross Rowland, Andy Mullar, Kimmel?...the list goes on and on.
Leonard: I never said those things. It was someone else. It wasn’t me. John 1:1! Matthew 7:13! I was framed!
Saint Peter: Leonard, we KNOW it was you for gosh sakes! What about John Simon? You pretended to be a wounded veteran.
Leonard: They accuse me of stolen valor, but they’re the real stolen valor. It’s them. Bob Lowe.
Saint Peter: Mr. Lowe is a fine upstanding individual that you tried to besmirch in a public setting. And there was never anyone named John Simon.
Leonard: False charges! Prove it. John Simon. Prove that he never existed. He is my friend and he had a heart attack that Preston McEvoy made him have because he was so upset and he was in Vietnam and Korea and he flew B-29s over Japan and there was never a stolen valor! It’s all a conspiracy! Romans 6:23!
Saint Peter: Fine…if you want to act like this, then explain to me what happened at Steamtown with 565?
Leonard: I did a great job. They kicked me out on false charges! I still don’t know what I did. Is Bob Lowe behind this? Did he tell you these things? I never did nothing wrong to no one!
Saint Peter: Perhaps you should be the Saint here, since you’ve never done anything wrong, have you Leonard.
Leonard: What’s that supposed to mean? God will lock you up on false charges if you keep saying these things about me! Jude 1:7! Revelation 21:3!
Saint Peter: Look, we know you stole those 565 parts. Look into this orb…see? That’s them in your basement right there!
Leonard: That’s not my house. I’ve never seen that in my life. I don’t know Leonard Shaner. In fact I’ve never met the man.
Saint Peter: [exasperated] Jesus H…well then please explain the recent happenings at Colebrookdale! You did a good job, but you had lust in your heart for a woman that didn’t want you, Leonard. Your actions caused you to be banned from the group.
Leonard: Now I know that Bob and Curt and Preston and Nathan are in on this. Lies! It’s nothing but lies! I got them the yellow engine and this is the thanks I get. Kicked out on false charges! False charges!
Saint Peter: The charges aren’t false, Leonard. You went to court, remember?
Leonard: Nathan Guest paid off the judge! It was a conspiracy! False charges! I never did anything to anyone!
Saint Peter: And that brings us to this afternoon at Clinton Correctional. Did you really think it was wise to tell a Mexican prison gang that the other prisoners were making fun of you? What did you think was going to happen?
Leonard: Fuck you! Hebrews 10:26!
Saint Peter: Well, you just made my decision that much easier! Have a great time in Hell, Lenny!
