Name: Brian James "B.J." Cobblepot
Age: 21
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 137lbs
Location: Pueblo, CO
Occupation: Works in a hobby shop, college drop-out
Interests: Model trains (but only HO scale, explained later), blogging about trains, BMWs, writing short stories about trains, filming trains and posting it on Youtube, posts on Loveshy forums
Fun Facts:
*Had to have his glans penis removed when he was 18. He was trying to make his penis bigger by using a penis pump he found in his father's closet. He over pumped it and ruptured the glans and it got infected
*Only buys HO scale model trains because he can't afford O scale. Says that O scale modelers are rich snobs to cover up his deep jealousy
*Thinks BMW is the ultimate car and all other cars are shit
*Only had 1 girlfriend ever. It didn't end well
*Has mild Aspergers
*Has wanted to ride the California Zephyr for years, but can't afford to because he spends all his money on model trains
*Has only lived away from home once when he was in college. His dorm roommate didn't like him and conspired with 4 other guys to strip him naked when the common room was full after they found out about his penis problem
*Talks about trains CONSTANTLY and how they are superior modes of transportation compared to anything else, besides a BMW
*Has an ED article after his roommate found his blog and videos and posted them to 4chan and SomethingAweful
*Is incredibly gullible, especially when it comes to women. This is partially because of his Aspergers
*Has an obsession with Pixyteri, thinking she's quite attractive and seeing a kindred spirit in her
When B.J. was 18 and was wanting to date and lose his virginity he felt his penis was too small. He had learned of penis pumps from the internet and recognized that his father had one in the back of his closet. Not knowing how to work one he wound up over pumping it and leaving it on to long, causing the ruptures to his glans penis. Embarrassed, he didn't tell his parents, instead just putting bandaids on it. It wound up getting infected (what is it with me and my LOLcows getting infections? Seriously, I need help) and went to the doctor behind his parents back. The doctor immediately had him hospitalized where he wound up having to have a partial penile amputation. While he was in college he tried to start a model train club. It didn't go over well because he was the only one in his class who collected model trains. His former girlfriend Mandy dumped him the night they first tried to have sex...after she saw his freakishly deformed penis. She was horrified by this and had nightmares for weeks afterwards. The relationship itself was very awkward with him leaving strange love notes and home made Valentines, even though Valentines Day was half a year away. He stalked her for a while until she filed a restraining order after finding him in the backseat of her car waiting for her because she forgot to lock the door. He dropped out of college shortly after this, which was also around the same time his roommate and 4 other guys stripped him bare in the common room. He maintains a blog about trains, both model and real. He has over 500 entries about different kinds of trains, mostly Union Pacific and Denver and Rio Grande Western steam and early diesel trains, but also modern ones. He can't afford O scale trains and so only collects HO. He hates O scale modelers and shows open contempt for them at model train shows, feeling they are rich showoffs. He has posted many Youtube videos and blogs about his hate for O scale, even though deep down inside he wishes he could get into the larger models.
The week he left college for home he discovered his ED page. This made him furious and, like many 'cows before him, ran to Youtube to make videos demanding his article be taken down, threatening LOLsuits. Shortly after he returned home he began reading about Loveshy-ism, seeing many parallels to his life. He became a regular contributor to several forums. He blames his girlfriend for the break-up and refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him, despite his deformed member, his stalker tendencies, his neediness, and his social awkwardness. She had only started dating him because she was also socially awkward, not terribly attractive, and felt sorry for him. She hoped that some of his weirdness would go away after she got to know him better.
He hates being an Incel and often says he's going to hire a prostitute, but like with his dream ride on the Cali Zeph, he can never hold onto his money long enough to save it for such endeavors. He has a strong lust for BMW and LOATHES their main rival Mercedes-Benz. He wishes to own an M3 despite not knowing how to drive a clutch and actually being quite fearful of how "complicated" a manual transmission is to operate.
B.J. also rights horribly written stories about working or traveling by train. Most of his stories revolve around his Mary Sue "Julius Quartermaine" who travels by rail solving mysteries and crimes in the towns along the rails. Julius is like any Mary Sue: everything B.J. wishes he were like. Julius is big and muscular, carries a .50 Caliber Desert Eagle (a cliched gun all gamerfags and movie geeks thinks is the ultimate handgun, despite it being an unreliable and impractical choice for a combat handgun) and of course beds a new woman in every town. He also goes into way too much detail about the trains in his stories, and even includes trains that are no longer used on the rails like Big Boy steamers and Union Pacific gas turbines. Julius is, of course, very well endowed which, along with the ridiculously big hand gun and big locomotives, is compensation for B.J.s tiny, spindled penis.
B.J. can normally be seen on his days off, he only works part time, near the train yard with his camera. He's had to be chased out of the yard many times for trespassing, one time nearly got hit by a yard switcher while running from the yard security officer. When not at work or train spotting he can be found on the internet. He has several times been duped by "girls" on the internet acting like they want to be with him. He has been tricked into taking nudes of himself and these were, of course, leaked. In fact the profile picture on his ED page is his erect, deformed, penis with a rail road conductors hat shooped ate a jaunty angle on what remains of the tip.
B.J. started following Pixyteri on Twitter, actually finding her quite attractive. He would flatter her and flirt with her, but then he started getting rather creepy and obsessive. He told people that the two of them were "practically together" and that he planned on going down to Texas to "surprise her". He lamented that there were no passenger trains that went down there and planned to fly. This was the first time he really tried to save money. Some concerned trolls found this out through his blog and told Pixy, linking her to his blog and ED page. She freaked out and publicly ridiculed him on Twitter, calling him a creep. B.J. took it hard and spent the money he saved on more train shit, aside from buying a couple bottles of cheap coconut rum and getting drunk to the point that he had to go back to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. He had to have activated charcoal put into his stomach several times because he couldn't keep it down. He still gags, and even pukes, when you mention activated charcoal.
Ways to troll B.J.
*Call him "B.J. Gobblecock"
*Tell him Mercedes is better than BMW
*Point out the superiority of O scale model trains
*Say that "HO scale is for little kids and poverty ridden riff-raff"
*Point out the superiority of air travel and how it's safer than rail
*Tell him rail roads are old tech and are only popular in poor countries run by pinko commies where people can't afford their own cars
*Tell him rail roads in America are a dying novelty, aside from commuter rail, and that cross country travel by rail is slow, noisy, uncomfortable, and overpriced
*Bring up his ED page
*Point out that he will never be able to afford a BMW, even a used one
*Tell him the M5 is superior to the M3 (which is the truth anyways)
*Link him to videos of train derailments
*Pretend you're a girl and string him along online. He's very gullible and thinks that the right girl is "just around the next bend"
*Poke holes in his writing, especially the plot, choice of firearm for his Mary Sue, how it's compensation for his little crippled dick, and how many of the trains he features are no longer used and are on static display in a rail museum, rusting in a side yard somewhere, or were scrapped long before he was born
*Offer to sell him a new penis pump "This one'll work, guaranteed!"
*Remind him exactly why he's Incel and point out that even if he did get another girl she'll just run in fear of his broken member like Mandy
*Remind him that Mandy is now happily in a relationship and, according to her boyfriend, is quite kinky in bed
*Remind him that even Pixyteri thinks he's a creep
*Mention activated charcoal
