Local standup/comedy night cringe

[World-ClassWrangler]

Me and gf were looking for something to do recently and remembered a club we were recommended, checked the event schedule and it was an open mic comedy night that night. Below are the highlights

• First act is a guy who looks like he works at target talking about going to a ufo convention and realizing he's the least attractive person there
• Second act looks like a caricature of randy stair, his entire set is talking nonstop about cum, being horny, and not getting laid. Stated out loud that he wanted to cover a girl in cum and walk her around like a dog through home depot while making prolonged eye contact with our (obviously lesbian) bartender
• Third act is an autistic man wearing clown makeup who talked about his dick getting bent during sex and how he plays warhammer 40k
• Fourth act is a short fat pooner who called every guy she interacted with bro and swapped shorts with one of her buddies mid set as a bit
• Fifth act is a woman who spent the first 5 minutes of her set on thinly veiled seething about the Isreal vs. Palestine conflict, then transitioned into jokes about "muh vagina"
• Sixth act is a women dressed like Betty boop talking about her autistic hyper fixations with Friday night lights, Taylor swift, and a coworker who pump and dumped her four times without remembering her name (in that order).
• Seventh is the only black guy on the mic that night, called himself the closest thing to martin Luther king in the building because he fucks a white woman. Rest of set is him talking about offering a hand job to a cop that was in the process of arresting him for taking weed across state lines and offering a gun to his little cousin since a black kid shooting up a school would be more original
• Eighth act is a guy who looks like he plays lacrosse for a high school team, his set involves him talking about how hes so ugly his own clone wouldn't even have sex with him and an incredibly forced hunter Biden impression to a completely silent audience
• Final act of note is a gay man who goes on at length about getting fucked in his ass while having a hemorrhoid and bleeding all over the guy who he doesn't even know the name of, and hoping that his mother and grandmother got gang banged in their assholes by black Civil rights leaders because in his own words "reperations are never going to actually happen so this is the least i can do for the cause". Also included the line "whenever I imagine my grandmother getting fucked in the ass by a white man I can't help but think 'man, you deserve less', and whenever I imagine my grandmother getting fucked in the ass by a black man I can't help but think 'man, you deserve a lot more'"

All the acts that night aside from randy and lacrosse guy were occupying a booth at the back of the venue and were some of the only people laughing at eachothers jokes

At least the drinks we got were strong, anyone else have similar experiences with local comedy/stand up routines

 

[The Hero of Kvatch]

Never been to an Open-mic night before, but after reading your story, I never will.

 

[Overwritten Tapes]

Comedy is dead.

 

[Fascist Frederick]

offering a gun to his little cousin since a black kid shooting up a school would be more original

That's at least genuinely funny, I wonder where he stole the joke from.

 

[Mordecai "3 Finger" Brown]

I guess comedians were always self-absorbed, but this modern open mic lineup seems even more so.

Every synopsis is purely about themselves and their kinks.

No observational humour. No social commentary besides some Middle East current thing moralfagging.

Not even any Jerry Seinfeld-tier airplane peanuts hacky material.

 

[TyrasGuard]

Comedy has to be first and foremost funny but it also needs to be relatable and relevant.

If I talk to an audience of strangers about something funny that happened to me once in a Warhammer convention, the only response you're going to get is "who the fuck asked?". I'm guessing that the audience wasn't a bunch of nerds so it was probably not relatable to them.

If comedians are ever anecdotal, it's probably because it's relevant to current events and relatable enough for people in the audience to understand what they are talking about. Observational humor is more than "what about that airplane food?".

It is funny to see people sweat bullets after they miss with the first joke. I especially love shows where the hosts have absolutely no chemistry.

 

[I've Seen Some More Shit]

The UFO convention bit and the black guy offering a gun to his nephew bit are funny. The rest of that sounds horrifying. Hope you didn't have to pay.

 

[Spitz]

The college I went to had a karaoke/slam poetry/open mic thing as a campus event to raise awareness for some goofy shit I didn't care about. I stopped by a few times in between writing a paper and finishing up math assignments. The karaoke was all over the place, but there were a few good singers. There was this one girl who was trying to do a stand-up set and just dropped bomb after bomb like we were all ships off the coast of Hawaii. She realized this and said, "Uh, I know I'm not that funny, but I do have one amazing talent." She then proceeded to recite the alphabet backward, faster than most people can say it forward. This didn't win back the crowd, so I yelled out, "You have a bright future as a drunk driver."

 

[World-ClassWrangler]

Hope you didn't have to pay.

Nah no cover thank god, also some more tidbits I forgot to add erlier because I'm lazy

• Pooner had a bit about how queer love is objectively better than straight love since she can hold her wife's hand under their bathroom stalls
• 6 foot and change mtf tranny with a dyke haircut going on endlessly about how they're trans, poly, and have add. Only real joke his whole set was how both his ""boyfreinds"" have identical period cycles, so if anyone asks what his type is he just says the beginning of the month
• Some other guy I forgot to mention had a 5 minute long bit about wanting a 9/11 lego set, complete with lego sniffer dogs and lego actors to make the lego sniffer dogs less depressed about not finding anyone in the rubble, which apparently bombed hard enough to make him finish his set there
• At least three people opened with talking about having add or adhd and acted like that made them autistic by association
• Might be powerleveling but idc, Isreal chick was incredibly bent out of shape about the fact that the city we are in just says Columbus day/Indigenous peoples day

Also found out later that night that pooner and at least two other acts I mentioned are basically regular headliners at some local breweries which for the breweries sake I hope they don't fucking pay them for, holy shit

 

[Spitz]

Pooner had a bit about how queer love is objectively better than straight love since she can hold her wife's hand under their bathroom stalls

"I always choose the stall to her right because she's left-handed, which also makes her smarter than most people. So much better being with her, so much."

6 foot and change mtf tranny with a dyke haircut going on endlessly about how they're trans, poly, and have add. Only real joke his whole set was how both his ""boyfreinds"" have identical period cycles, so if anyone asks what his type is he just says the beginning of the month

"My boyfriends had to sync their cycles because everyday I was asking them, 'You on your period? You on your period? You on your period?.'"

"They got so sick of it that they started slipping me extra ADD/ADHD meds in meals and drinks. That didn't work so they finally used their Troonoo magic to link up their periods like Voltron."

Some other guy I forgot to mention had a 5 minute long bit about wanting a 9/11 lego set, complete with lego sniffer dogs and lego actors to make the lego sniffer dogs less depressed about not finding anyone in the rubble, which apparently bombed hard enough to make him finish his set there

"I really want a 9/11 Lego set because I'm fascinated with the physics of the disaster, but I'm not good at math or architecture. I tried to recretae it using toothpicks and popsickle sticks, but my hands tremble too much from my ADD/ADHD medication. I also like doggies and roleplaying in case I wasn't creeping/cringe-ing you out enough already..."

At least three people opened with talking about having add or adhd and acted like that made them autistic by association

"Fucking not being able to pay attention to shit, focus on anything, for more than five seconds at a time. At least I get all that speeeeeeeeed medication!!! It's pretty fucking great, crowd!!!"

Might be powerleveling but idc, Isreal chick was incredibly bent out of shape about the fact that the city we are in just says Columbus day/Indigenous peoples day

Nasally voice: "So, do we like have to celebrate both at the same time? It just seems worse that way. I think we should pick one or the other. On the other hand, we can't celebrate the genocider because, you know. And we can't celebrate the Indigians, 'cause like, they were savages too. But they were also victims. Not as much as my ancestors though..."

(crickets)

I winged the shit outta the Israeli girl because my brain is fried from putting myself through the former ones.

 

[Ogre Magi]

Me and gf were looking for something to do recently and remembered a club we were recommended, checked the event schedule and it was an open mic comedy night that night. Below are the highlights

Your retelling of the night was funnier than all of those acts combined. I wasn't even there and I'm sure of it!