Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Josef Mengele]

Lucas and the grenade is shades of Wile E. Coyote. He's subject to cartoon logic, but not, alas, cartoon physics. He would blow himself up, but rather than sit there blinking in the soot all disappointed, there'd be greasy chunks of him scattered everywhere.

In the absence of fresh content, please consider joining my Fat Lucas Poetry Club. We will discuss the poetry, and comically small penis, of Lucas Colby Werner, and perhaps share our own doggerel about Spokane's favorite vagrant. Membership is open to all interested Wernologists who are willing to swear a binding pinkie oath to never say a kind word about Lucas Colby Werner.

Here's one of Lucas's poem for your consideration:

Spoiler: More Blood For Oil

Sweat smells like cigarette
Extinguished in a corporate breath
Blood on the radio
Where the old stories are over told
Get in line to be force fed
The war machine's decaying dead
Logic dispels your existing Gods
I won't follow your heartless laws
Don't you know you do what you're told
I feel most at home when I'm on my own

Don't deny my primal cause
Humanity is a genetic flaw

Toppled the towers of a nation's faith
Empty now as our children's brains
The paper trail leads back to you
Double
you
Double the fat content on the nightly news

Red carpet red tape
More blood for oil

Shotgun marriage of church and state
Pop culture is a cannibal
Every animal for every animal
Early birds caught by the old bait and switch

The next piece I would like us to consider is one of Lucas's spoken word/rap performances, transcribed at great personal cost. Enjoy:

Spoiler: The Potential of My Balls and DNA

Gen Z solidarity, hypocrisies and bigotry
Contrary with what most of your generation tends to believe
Oh yeah, you're socialist
And a guy rolls up with a car and you're down with this
A credit card
And the Bernie Sanders goes out the window cause you like being a prostitute but you don't like breaking the law
So you hook up with the sugar daddy and the guy with the car cause he's a football star
But that's only half of your generation most of you are against the degradation, the trash of the world, the world sucks
Yeet me down a bae!
Do this today!
I'm not smoking heroin or meth, ok
But we can 420!
Marry me today!
I got potentially $500,000 in the bank even though I'm homeless my parents are rich I don't borrow any money from this I'm not a trust-fund kid
Travel agents made a lot of money in the 1990s
They got $1,000,000 in the bank as they kick it down in Arizona
Hey, and my dad and step mom, wise investments with Microsoft
yes, I agree the socialism rocks
Yes, I agree the corporations suck
But I'm here maybe one day I'll open an atheist homeless shelter in 300 years with my progeny then develop a building that can withstand an atomic bomb...
But if your socialism, your desire to save the world, your fertility, your beauty, your talent, you're funny
But the agephobia fucking sucks
But you don't fucking care because you want to suck big black dick but at least you're not racist
But you're sexist because you need that thing
Every time I see you you're with another guy
My thing, let's get married today!
I'll put your ring...
16 kids like Genghis motherfucking...
It's the bigotry, the hypocrisy of your generation that sucks and I agree with you that socialism was needed
Cause this sucks!
No, we lost a Bernie Sanders, Biden might offer a UBI but we got to get rid of the racist guy in the White House
But the agephobia, the agephobia
When I offer money it's going away
Dude that sucks
But the things that I want to do with the world
I want to save the world with you
I want to have 16, 17 kids with you, whatever you want to do
Let's dance, let's sing, let's do this thing!
Earn this fucking ring!
Even though the girlie in mind exploits the people and the earth
Digging through the dirt
Worker exploitation and you want a motherfucking ring you need to take a fucking vacation and get your head in check
You're a capitalist chick and you don't need his motherfucking dick
May your football team lose today because your greed makes the love go away
Capitalism stands in the way
Let's talk about the bigotry against my age
Generation X needs sex!
The fertile bitches walk around like this...
But you're mad at me for expressing misogyny
We'll, I apologize I'll never do it again
But are you floating naked in my bed?
No!
So what potential do I have to get you to turn around and smile, and maybe open a little racist thing...
Why you looking at me while I sing?
I don't understand why we need the bigotry
I don't understand why we need these words anyway, we should be rolling in the sheets
We should be fucking with the NEETs
We should be fucking with the oogles and the simps
But oh, you present the credit card
And the incel goes away
See, that's the motherfucking thing, I'm a volcel motherfucker

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE POTENTIAL OF MY BALLS AND MY DNA

Telomerase, I don't need to... duh duh...to say too much
But the percentage that my children will have the good luck is better, better, better, better
And the young women have the fertile eggs
Please don't be stupid today
I need the fallopian tubes and the wombs
Your companionship
I'm just a Gen X dude that knows a little about the science
I'm not really here to listen to your arrogance
You simp little...
Shut up and this...dance is all I need
Let's get married today, Gen Z!
I will one day give you the ring but I hope that we don't have to dig through the mines because worker exploitation is a pet peeves of mine
But if you want to be my girl, hit me up!
You rock my world
But if you don't, then I don't care I'll just watch your little bigot stair
Hair
I don't motherfucking care
Bigots deserve to die
Guillotines and nooses, aye
Don't really care, millennials it's your problem...duh dum duh
But the agephobia from Generation Z
But you don't ever sympathize with me
No empathy
Get therapy
But when you're really mine
A simple hi!
And a phone number!
SAVE ME FROM A SUICIDE of capitalism standing in the way
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I consider these two pieces to be some of Lucas's finest work: windows into his soul, but also like staring directly up a butthole.

Aw what the hell I'll write you a poem:

There once was a man,
Who lived in Spokane.
He was in pursuit of a zoomer,
But only dated a baby boomer.
He bragged about getting a PhD,
but got sent to the laughing academy.
They say his last name is Werner,
he is an idiot who falls for IG burners.
He rants and raves about COVID,
being a fat fuck who is bloated.
He was cockblocked form stores and from bars
He is a cockroach who could live on Mars.
Catfished to L.A. and Idaho
all for the amusement of a dudebro.
He hates flatbill caps and guys who scoop 6 chicks at a time
Don't worry I am almost done with his rhyme.
Everyone knows life is tough, rough and hard,
Mynra was right it wasn't in the cards!

 

[MeganDodgedABullet]

To the tune of "Without Me"

Yeet over a bae for me,
make sure she fine and pure gen Z,
You can't shut down my EBT,
get the magic spooge from my micro D..

 

[Poop Shoot]

There once was a faggot named Lucas
Who was on the hunt for some puss puss
He sat at the shelter
His brain now off kelter
Avoided by all and still clueless

 

[wenttobermuda]

I enjoy the Lucas oriented verse. Very much.

Here's one of my contributions:

I'M LUCAS
My name is Lucas and my focus has always been
the smart pretty interesting
dream girls of Washington.

Juicy wombs, butts, progesterone, telomeres and curves
teenage girls' gaping assholes
I know what I deserve.

The wind in Spokane carries a cold and hateful sound.
I can hear background sarcasm
and the babyship rebound.

I practice breaking up the ice, I know just what to say:
"Hello, sweetheart, I'm Lucas, how
are you doing today?"

These golden words can moisten wombs and win a young girl's gash
but they remain unspoken because
of clones and flatbill trash.

The fecund baes at SCC all gather in a group,
and when I go to say hello
the goddamn flatbills swoop.

They all have a dozen girlfriends, why can't I have just one?
They hoard all the women and they
refuse to share the fun.

But I know I'll find my Gen Z Queen among the Covid sluts
she'll love me and obey me, too,
and then I'll run her guts.

My dreams will come true no matter what, just wait and see:
a dozen daughters with Lady Z and
they'll all call me "big daddy."

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

There once was a "man" called The Wern
Who told us to all "Feel The Bern"
Like a mouse he is hung,
He likes them too young,
He's roughly as smart as a fern.
Truly the greatest of tards
He should know "it's not in the cards"
He chases young poon
like a deranged incel loon
He's missing the point by some yards

 

[Fecunt]

His phone is going straight to voicemail, it was either stolen or broken

 

[another idiot]

His phone is going straight to voicemail, it was either stolen or broken

Fatass probably threw it or something. He was raging pretty hard in the last videos he posted.

 

[Da Dude123]

His phone is going straight to voicemail, it was either stolen or broken

Is his voicemail still the spergy one where he is exploring veganism? Or is he mooing about something else?

 

[Dumpsterfire Enthusiast]

Fatass probably threw it or something. He was raging pretty hard in the last videos he posted.

Maybe the police actually did their job and arrested him for his grenade threat?

 

[Maxxicus Callahan]

Greasiest fat fuck
Can’t locate his micro dick
Hopeless narcissist

- A Lucas Haiku

 

[WonderWino]

If lucas ever somehow got ahold of a real grenade he would end up doing something like this, except it wouldn't be an airsoft grenade in his case

.....on that note I can see him spending a ton of EBT money and drugs/booze on some back alley crackhead who says he can get him some grenades, only to sell him an airsoft grenade and/or an aircraft gun. He's stupid enough that he'd never know the difference

 

[Da Dude123]

Since we are on a content draught right now and it could be very likely that Lucas's phone was either lost, broken, or stolen. Who all remembers when someone got Facebook to believe he was dead and changed his profile to memorial? That sure was something! Lucas got them to change it back. I bet he was beside himself when that happened.

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

He's probably laying in a gutter somewhere castigating his chains.

 

[Telomere Savalas]

I got potentially $500,000 in the bank even though I'm homeless my parents are rich I don't borrow any money from this I'm not a trust-fund kid
Travel agents made a lot of money in the 1990s
They got $1,000,000 in the bank as they kick it down in Arizona
Hey, and my dad and step mom, wise investments with Microsoft
yes, I agree the socialism rocks
Yes, I agree the corporations suck

I want to have 16, 17 kids with you, whatever you want to do
Let's dance, let's sing, let's do this thing!
Earn this fucking ring!

SAVE ME FROM A SUICIDE of capitalism standing in the way

Some highlights.

 

[WonderWino]

The way lucas goes manic and starts making screaming videos only to all of a sudden go super depressive and subdued only to do it all over again after awhile is starting to remind me eerily of hitler during his last days in the bunker

Case in point:

From screeching like a loon to cowering in his chair admitting defeat in a matter of minutes. Tell me that doesn't remind you of a much faster version of lucas's manic episodes

 

[Maxxicus Callahan]

From screeching like a loon to cowering in his chair admitting defeat in a matter of minutes. Tell me that doesn't remind you of a much faster version of lucas's manic episodes

Lucas’s brain signals in a room. Ego is the one flying off the handle. Not much of a superego to regulate his brain.

Edit: Maybe Freud was right, this is creepy thinking about Lucas though lol

 

[wenttobermuda]

I appreciate all of you who've taken the time to share their doggerel. It's all very charming. I fear, however, that a serious discussion of Lucas's poetry is impossible, because there's very little to say about it beyond "yuck, poetry."

I hate poetry and everyone who writes it or pretends to care about it.

Anyway, our colleague @Telomere Savalas notes the shifting politics in the poet's magnum opus "Let me tell you..." Here, the poet highlights his subject's hypocrisy and lack of understanding by having him clumsily indict the evils of capitalism while also bragging about how it's benefited him in the form of rich parents who invested in Microsoft. Clearly, the poet dislikes his subject and wants him to appear retarded.

Wait, no, Lucas wrote that shit to attract puss puss.

Spoiler: hey gen z baby

CUTE OLDER DADDY
Hey Gen Z baby, wanna have some fun?
It's your cute older daddy down from Washington.
I'm just out of Eastern State bound for HOC
With a baggy of weed and my EBT.

In Olympia, nothing ever went down,
but I don't mind just hanging around.
Then a catfish promised me puss puss one day,
so I took a greyhound bus down the highway.

There's a pig ahead by the bus depot,
but I'm not here to take it slow.
Today's the day I'm gonna break my rut.
I've waited four decades to run your guts.

Everyone says "It's not in the cards"
and jokes that my dick doesn't ever get hard.
But I don't give a shit about bigots and haters,
I'm gonna find my fine fecund ovulator.

Hey baby zoom, don't google my name,
agephobes tell lies to make me ashamed.
All I did was ask a barista out on a date,
She was about 15 but I said I'd wait.

Listen now, bitch, don't you know it a'int my fault?
Eating out of dumpsters, shivering on the asphalt
Wake up crying in the bushes on a cold night
getting slapped by teens, backing down from fist fights...

Well I gotta knock you up while I still can
so I can prove to the world that I'm a man.
With my fist in your gash I'll be born again.
Everyone will respect me then.

Hey, baby zoom, can I see your poon?
I'm gonna get banned from this place soon.
One of these days I'm gonna find my bae
if all these flatbills clear out of my way.

 

[moseph.jartelli]

yes, the tried and true fragmentation grenade results in something more than the typical injury you might expect. it's not like video games where it's a little limited area where you get a puff of smoke, some loud noise, and maybe a fireball thing. the blast alone (no shrapnel) can burst small blood vessels with the pressure wave, causing temporary deafness, blindness, and sometimes temporary high pressure damage to lungs or other internal organs. then you have a sphere of jagged high-velocity bits of metal moving faster than a bullet spray in random directions - and these are lethal to quite a large distances and tumble as they fly through the air at hundreds of meters per second. very close grenade blasts can literally tear people apart similar to a paper shredder. shrapnel injuries are genuinely horrifying.

the problem with grenades are that the carefully manufactured and engineered ones are still somewhat unpredictable. the explosion part is easy. making them safe to handle and useful in maneuvers is difficult. "when the pin is pulled, mr. grenade is no one's friend."

slight power level, but i have and still do deal with grenades and similar explosives semi-regularly (film purposes are dummy pyrotechnic "grenades" that are then theatrically modified for practical or special effects, film armorers do not supply live grenades for filming purposes outside of very limited circumstances like filming training videos for the military or something). they can be purchased by nearly anyone legally - they are a destructive device and there is a process to getting one (or more) but the issue is finding someone willing to sell them. virtually no manufacturer will sell to individuals (no economical and too much political fallout), and dealers also wouldn't be comfortable selling to someone who is a walking liability. places that do not have tight control on explosives, near conflict zones are really the only source for them in the US - of course other than ones that haven't been deactivated properly (Sweden for example has grenade attacks from leftovers from the breakup of Yugoslavia - a crate of grenades was smuggled into the country by organized crime and the leftovers are still floating around).

as mentioned before, you would have better luck manufacturing your own, however that is an entirely separate can of worms that tends to get the amateur sapper dead very quickly. even people with strong chemistry background find it a very delicate process. again, it's not the explosive part that's the problem, it's the controllable, safe handling of the result that is very difficult. you tend to not know you've made a mistake of too little or too much of something until it ends poorly.

i'm more amused that Lucas thinks he has the pull to get anything serious out of people other than ending up dead. if someone unknown, and not in the "business" starts asking for your wares that could be a serious liability to your business, you remove that person or ignore them through ignorance. the very fact that he talks in broad strokes and mentioned his step father points to his inability to be genuinely resourceful in obtaining these sorts of goods.

it would be generous to say that Lucas might be able to buy a hot gun from a gangbanger with a few bodies on it looking to dump it and get some cash back/drugs on the deal.

The only time in the Army I was truly nervous was the live grenade range. Even after doing multiple training grenades.

Lucas would become pink mist if he ever handled one.

 

[Dumpsterfire Enthusiast]

The only time in the Army I was truly nervous was the live grenade range. Even after doing multiple training grenades.

Lucas would become pink mist if he ever handled one.

He'd be fine, He uses them for warning blasts all the time when he's out conquering Mcdonalds, He should try getting a job as a diplomat with how skilled he is at negotiating

 

[WonderWino]

Its interesting that lucas is so transparently manipulative. I mean consider his past statements:

- He's a lazy fuck who wants the government to take care of him and not require him to work, so he twists that around as 'my wife will be empowered and get a job to support me us while I sit at home designing board games eating and ranting on the internet as always' like it supposed to be a good thing

- He isn't allowed (or able for that matter) to drive a car, so he twists that around as 'I care about the environment! Cars are bad! You should take the bus like me!'

- He can't afford a wedding ring so he claims nobody should get them cause they exist as a result of worker exploitation in africa

- Cops force him to keep a lid on his behavior and not do things he would otherwise do if he wouldn't get in trouble for doing them, therefore they are a big problem and have to be eliminated.....but they must also continue to exist to save his ass when he calls them for pissing people off and getting threatened as a result

- He is a dirt poor hobo so capitalism is the problem. He is too lazy and too stupid to make an effort to improve his own situation himself, so he wants to bring everyone down to his level, and assumes that in such a scenario the very things he hates like the cops, and requires to survive - like his government provided EBT and such, will somehow continue and people will continue to cater to him

- The government doesn't give him everything he wants and feels entitled to, therefore it must be evil. Trump doesn't treat him like a king and support him the way he wants? Trump is evil! Democrats get in and they don't do it either? Biden is an evil pedo like all democrats! Destroy them all! and you can bet if bernie were to somehow become president and lucas didn't get what he wants from bernie he would become the enemy, a false messiah type and/or bought out/blackmailed/etc... by the evil democrats and republicans to fuck the poor people (eg: lucas himself) over

In lucas's twisted little world, everything is about him. Thats why he expects everyone to cater to him, and why he assumes everyone talks about him behind his back and knows about him. I suspect its also one of the reasons he doesn't like other men around women that he fancies, because he thinks they'll somehow tip said women off to lucas's past history and drive them away from him when they were almost within his grasp. He has an absurd amount of narcissism for someone in his position and situation. Thats the best part, for all of this stuff he expects everyone else to take care of it for him, bring down the government and bring on the puss puss hunting and food hoarding gangs for him, without him having to do anything. He feels entitled to it on a fundamental level. He can't even do his own rioting, government overthrowing and stealing