Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Gaear Grimsrud]

So another homeless guy took his phone cord and ran off with it?

LOL Jesus Christ.

 

[Dumpsterfire Enthusiast]

Oh yeah this was absolutely one of his best moments. Didn't he actually say "give me pussy or I'll call the cops" in one post? Or maybe that was during a more recent incident of this same type of delusion. I'm honestly surprised he doesn't get his ass kicked more, he's one of the least streetwise hobos to ever exist if he thinks "give me stuff to not snitch" is a good look among the street class. Especially since it was "give me stuff to not snitch about something that isn't even happening". Love how greedy he is in this post too, teen poonaner isn't enough, gotta try for weed and of course free food too.

Also maybe this is obvious but it just blows my mind how skeevy this whole plan was. He thought that drug dealers in his building were fucking young addict girls in exchange for hard drugs, a situation any decent person would call horrible and exploitative and would want to help the girls (if it was really happening). Lucas' plan was to blackmail the dealers into sharing the exploited junkie pussy with him. And remember, he likes to go on and on about how he wants a young girl not just for sex, but to marry and have children with. What an amazing "how I met your mother" story that would have been...

Should have grabbed that post too but yeah he said pretty much exactly that.

Its amazing that he doesn't even pretend to be concerned about the girls and just says outright that he wants "poonaner for his silence" Didn't even care whether or not they would agree to it or not just if he could convince the dealers to yeet them to him.

 

[mothman96]

So another homeless guy took his phone cord and ran off with it?

LOL Jesus Christ.

There was talk about Lucas lending the cord to the other guy but it doesn't look to me like it's happened yet.

 

[Telomere Savalas]

How many phases of the Wern are there? There’s insult comic Werner, McRevolutionary, Batman PJ’s Meeple Toss Wern, Boardgame designer, staircase bouncer, aspiring time traveller. There must be a long list to fill out for a potential wiki.

Descendant of Suevian(?) Kings
Travel Agent/Elk heir
"Biology" "Student" Going for his Doctorate at community college
Master toaster oven chef

 

[The I Scream Man]

What the fuck man, I've had poppy seeds on savory items before and they're great and I can potentially see a savory poppy seed muffin with buffalo sauce on it being good but not a sweet one, what the fuck

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

What the fuck man, I've had poppy seeds on savory items before and they're great and I can potentially see a savory poppy seed muffin with buffalo sauce on it being good but not a sweet one, what the fuck

Lucas thinks putting a thing on a thing makes him a good cook.

 

[A whole lotta nope]

What the fuck man, I've had poppy seeds on savory items before and they're great and I can potentially see a savory poppy seed muffin with buffalo sauce on it being good but not a sweet one, what the fuck

Seriously. Who but Lucas would think to put buffalo sauce on a lemon poppy seed muffin? Even when people are high AF and putting together weird concoctions, they avoid shit like this. Oh, on that note, know what's good on a lemon poppy seed muffin? A little bit of cream cheese.

I have to wonder what other weird shit he eats and doesn't show anyone.

 

[Ghostwriter]

A buffalo sauce lemon poppyseed muffin somehow feels more tame than a lot of other crimes against food he's commited. Kinda sounds like something they'd have at the hipster joints where all the gender neutral wait staff has Skrillex haircuts and they charge twice the price of what anything you order is actually worth.

"Hey man you wanna go to Luke's after work for a buffalo muffin and some triple IPA's?"

"Nah, I got banned from there for wearing a hat and showing up with my wife and her two friends. That place is weird as fuck."

 

[Wernology]

The thumbnail alone of that nasty ass muffin would make me think he was just winding people up for the hell of it but, having seen the kind of shit he actually eats, I'm more inclined to think he has almost no sense of taste or smell left.

My lazy ass is already in bed and I don't feel like getting out of said bed to go make a two and a half minute compilation of his trash tonight, so we'll see if he puts anything else out tomorrow to add to it; if not, oh well, 2 minutes of trash, I guess.

 

[WonderWino]

Even if Lucas didn't have all his other problems, concerning telomeres and pedophilia, his eating habits alone would be proof of his mental disorder.

Buffalo sauce on a fucking lemon poppy seed muffin?

Im without words

Not just buffalo sauce either, he microwaved it before he put it on the muffin

 

[Josef Mengele]

I saw a lot of reignited discussion about Lucas and Fetlife, I had just came across these screen caps and think they may be pertinent. Apparently Fetlife users have made a Washington State Creepers group and "the telomere king" came up in a discussion thread.

 

[Fanatical Pragmatist]

A buffalo sauce lemon poppyseed muffin somehow feels more tame than a lot of other crimes against food he's commited. Kinda sounds like something they'd have at the hipster joints where all the gender neutral wait staff has Skrillex haircuts and they charge twice the price of what anything you order is actually worth.

"Hey man you wanna go to Luke's after work for a buffalo muffin and some triple IPA's?"

"Nah, I got banned from there for wearing a hat and showing up with my wife and her two friends. That place is weird as fuck."

Yeah but it would be well done, like a smoky-sweet honey-buffalo sauce on a muffin that's more biscuit-y than desert pastry. Maybe some maple bacon crisps on top.

But its Dr.-President Niggae Luke we are talking about, so off course its cheap buffalo sauce casually tossed onto a desert poppyseed muffin.

 

[Free the Pedos]

I saw a lot of reignited discussion about Lucas and Fetlife, I had just came across these screen caps and think they may be pertinent. Apparently Fetlife users have made a Washington State Creepers group and "the telomere king" came up in a discussion thread.
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I’m taking the “lucky guy” thing with a grain of salt. He could have been particularly crazy one day and said it, but it doesn’t sound like other things we’ve heard him say out loud.

 

[dirtydeanna96]

I know, if I see a car of any kind my uterus begins salivating for babymaking DNA because goddamn, that man owns a CAR! A REAL CAR that you can DRIVE! I could never own such a thing myself! Cars are forbidden to ladies.

How bout a 1971 Ford Pinto and a Netspend® prepaid debit card?

 

[Dumpsterfire Enthusiast]

I saw a lot of reignited discussion about Lucas and Fetlife, I had just came across these screen caps and think they may be pertinent. Apparently Fetlife users have made a Washington State Creepers group and "the telomere king" came up in a discussion thread.
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Lucas Warner is such a great username, I just love how out of their way Fetlife went to warn people about and get rid of him before he could do anything

 

[cheesycukes]

It's been reported that people who have had Covid and still are experiencing loss of taste, can feel heat from spicy food.
Maybe he has no sense of taste....(when did he really though?)

 

[Purgatorium]

Lucas Warner is such a great username, I just love how out of their way Fetlife went to warn people about and get rid of him before he could do anything

One thing I can be sure of in my experience from that community is that it’s great, consent means everything and creeps like Lucas never ever get validated. They might go unnoticed for a while, but we’re all horny fucktards on there so it’s only a matter of time before one of these predators show themselves and the pitchfork-people dust off their whips and shame the fuck out of people like Pucas.

 

[Maxxicus Callahan]

One thing I can be sure of in my experience from that community is that it’s great, consent means everything and creeps like Lucas never ever get validated. They might go unnoticed for a while, but we’re all horny fucktards on there so it’s only a matter of time before one of these predators show themselves and the pitchfork-people dust off their whips and shame the fuck out of people like Pucas.

Out of curiosity I signed up to search for any traces of Lucas content or profiles but nothing came up besides Washington State Creepers

Edit: Don’t worry not going to start asking randos about some previous sex pest in their community but it’s true there are lots of rules in kink and consent means everything so Lucas is probably banned. Also it would be figurative whips wouldn’t it and maybe stilettos they use to drive out the sex pests.

 

[wenttobermuda]

The Vulgar Buffalo Sauce Poppy Seed Muffin, while an interesting addition to Lucas's cookbook, does not look appealing.

Lucas thinks putting a thing on a thing makes him a good cook.

Excellent summary of Lucas's approach to cooking. You put a thing, like cheese, on a thing, like a cucumber. And then you do a thing to it, like heat it.

I would never encourage anyone to infiltrate the fetish community to "research" Lucas (consider the example of poor @YachieKicchou), and wonder about the overlap between Wernologists and sex weirdos.

My experience with these folks is limited to mocking them for how they get off, whenever they pop up outside of their community. From what I gather, the fetishists are an accepting lot, but police themselves aggressively out of necessity. Any group brought together by "alternative" sexual practices is bound (ha) to attract dudes like Lucas Werner, and worse, and they're well practiced at dealing with them.

That said, Lucas's attempts to use Fetlife (and other sources like OkCupid) are woefully under-documented. What been leaked has been fascinating, but represents only a fraction of Lucas's activity. Imagine all of the profile's we've never seen, all the message he sent to women. We know the results: no success, and frustration and outrage vented on on FB. I just wish we had better insight into the mechanics.

Alas.

 

[Josef Mengele]

Okay so I work at a home improvement store, and last night we just got a shipment of ladders and a promotional posters. The brand of ladders was "Werner" and when I saw the item description specifically the "load capacity" I went into a full on laughing fit. Knowing that Lucas is too fat to use a ladder made my night! Here was the promo poster: