Want to die bc it's the only way to get rid of my taboo sexual fantasies which there is no place for in the world
I'm a 26 year old, and sometimes images come into my head of teenage anime characters (eg Whitney from Pokemon) or of underage animal characters (eg Dallas from 101 Dalmatian Street) doing adult acts with me.
When these images come into my head, I feel joy at the thought of receiving passionate affection from a character who is fun and pretty, but I also feel shame for feeling that joy because I think it makes me an unloveable person, and I also feel fear that people would turn against me if they found out I entertained such fantasies. As quickly as possible after such a thought arises, I redirect my thoughts away from that scene, towards fantasies about an adult character instead, but I feel lingering shame and self disgust for the rest of the day after that.
I feel like I don't belong in human society if I am attracted to a character that most people would find it morally unacceptable to be attracted to. I feel like if most people knew I had these feelings, they would want nothing to do with me any more, which means they never really liked me in the first place. I feel it is unacceptable for someone who has the feelings I have to exist.
I asked about this on
r/sex and the replies so far have confirmed my fears that most people would think I'm horrid:
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1mh21c5/cw_disturbing_topic_is_what_im_feeling_real/
I have talked to multiple clinical psychologists and psychiatrists about this, and they have all said that it can't be changed, and that they think I should accept it instead of fighting it.
I think therapists tend to have an ideology of radical acceptance, of "if it's not hurting anyone you should accept it", and I don't agree with that in this case. I guess therapists tend to be desensitised because they've already heard worse.
It does appear according to the best modern science at the moment that there isn't any way to change what someone is attracted to. You can either encourage them to focus on other focuses of attraction that are less problematic, which doesn't make the unwanted attraction go away, it just reduces the likelihood of acting on it. Or they can undergo chemical castration which reduces their libido completely to zero, so that they never experience any asexual feelings or fantasies - however it is considered unethical by psychiatrists to use this on anyone who isn't a risk to real people or animals (I have already asked them to try it and they said no).
At this point, I think unaliving myself might be the only option to make these feelings go away completely.
I have been in talk therapy for 14 years at this point, I see a therapist every fortnight, it doesn't help.
